Chapter V
"I already told you I don't want to speak to Mackenzie, I'm not ready to talk about what happened!" Carter spoke to Daniel and the Doc defiantly, she kept her voice even and tried not to shout but it was hard when they were telling her what she had to do. The door to her Lab was closed and so anyone that went past wouldn't hear them arguing, or at least she hoped they couldn't. Carter was sat down in front of her computer whilst Daniel and Janet hovered over her, she wasn't too pleased about them forcing her to do something that she wasn't happy with. It was like they were ganging up on her and if Sam thought that she would be even more resistant to their suggestions.
Daniel sighed in a slightly frustrated way as he wanted Sam to see that they were only trying to help her but she was being so damn stubborn "please Sam - Teal'c and I are going to see him too. Eventually you will have to and as they say, there's no time like the present" well that sounded like a pretty good argument. "If you want Teal'c and I will be there with you, Janet too, in case he tries to push too much."
"And if you don't I will recommend you be take off active duty until this is sorted out" the Doc had already told Mackenzie, briefly, about the Major and her 'blackouts'. As he was somebody on the outside of the SG-1 circle he may be able to get through to Carter better as he wouldn't have anything clouding his judgement, he wouldn't go easy on her for the sake of hurting her feelings.
The Archaeologist winced inwardly, he knew what Sam would think of that "you're blackmailing me into seeing Mackenzie" she seethed. These people were supposed to be her friends "I don't spill my guts and I don't get to work? That isn't fair."
"You know I didn't mean it quite like that Sam…I don't want to make it an order but you're not leaving me much choice" at the moment, making Carter see sense seemed about as possible as making a brick bend. "We will be right there with you in case it becomes too much…not talking about this isn't going to make these blackouts any easier to handle" she added pointedly, the Doc hoped Carter would see why it was so important for her to 'spill her guts'.
Carter leaned back in her chair, she may as well admit defeat because it was pretty obvious she wasn't going to get her way in this disagreement "well you're not leaving me with much choice." She stood up and walked past her two friends wordlessly then opened the door and carried on into the corridor "we may as well get this over with" Daniel and Janet smiled happily; well at least the first step was over and done with.
*
Mackenzie's office was small and pretty empty due to the fact that he
wasn't there that much to use it, there were medical books and papers stacked
in a corner and hundreds of forms in a tray by the desk. There was no warmth in the room and that was
fine because the cold and empty feeling in the office matched Carter's mood
pretty much perfectly, Mackenzie was sat on a black leather chair by a tall
lamp that was lit dimly, supposedly to make the room feel more homely – it
didn't really work. His glasses were
set upon a small table on the other side of his chair and he was sat with his
legs cross and elbows leaning on the chair arm with his fingers locking
together as he regarded the four people in the room. Daniel was by the door, leaning against the wall with his hands
in his pockets, Teal'c was stood next to him as he looked around the room. Carter was sat in the dark coloured red
chair in front of Mackenzie and Janet was situated behind her, the room had
never been so crowded before. He waited
until all were 'comfortable' before he began to speak "I'm glad you decided to
see me Major Carter."
"I didn't really have a choice in the matter" Sam countered as she made eye contact with the older Doctor, he squirmed a bit under her intense scrutiny – she wasn't going to make this easy for him.
Daniel masked a laugh with a cough and Teal'c turned to him with a raise of the eyebrow, a small trace of a smirk on his face and amusement in his eyes. None of SG-1 wanted to talk to him much and they found it funny that Carter was the one to make him see that they didn't want to be there, she was usually the co-operative one. "Very well" Mackenzie didn't really know how to reply to that so with a cough he pressed on "now it seems to be what you are feeling that are controlling this 'other version of events' that you are experiencing…so tell me what are you feeling, Major? Explain to me what emotions you had during the mission."
She breathed in deeply, gathering her thoughts why do I get the feeling this is going to take a while "just take your time Sam" Janet spoke from behind her. "We have all day" well that was supposed to be encouraging yeah and I don't want to be in here all day Janet "just start from the cave" just begin from when everything had gone to hell Carter thought again.
"Okay…" now comes the hard part "there didn't seem to be anything wrong with him at first, after what to me didn't seem that long since we entered the cave Colonel O'Neill started to become a little agitated…it was really hot outside and the cave wasn't particularly cool so I thought maybe he was just sick of the heat, and the waiting --."
Mackenzie interrupted "what was he waiting for?" If you would just shut up I was getting to that Sam glared at him but continued on, this was almost like a rerun of the debriefing only it was an annoying man asking all the questions.
"I found some markings on the cave wall, there were quite a lot and I was copying them down so Daniel could look at them later –" again came an interruption.
Mackenzie was writing what she was saying down on a medium sized pad, the black ink from the fountain pen marking the page with tiny blotches every fifth word or so "and where were Doctor Jackson and Mr. Teal'c?"
"I don't see why this is important," Sam sounded annoyed as she spoke just let me talk damn it, its what you wanted. Mackenzie indicated he wanted her to continue and so she did "Daniel and Teal'c were by some ruins not too far from camp maybe if we had stuck together it wouldn't have happened she hated maybes and yet there were so many. "Every few minutes he asked if I was almost done…" Carter laughed humorlessly "and I was the one getting annoyed at him because he kept breaking my concentration" maybe if I had turned around I would have seen some sight of what was to come. "That's when he got mad…and if its really my feelings you want to hear about, I was worried at first…I didn't know what was wrong and when I asked him he didn't answer me straight. Then he tried to shoot me with a Zat and I was scared…I was scared of my own friend, do you know what that's like?" her voice wavered slightly.
Mackenzie shook his head, expressing nothing on what he thought about all this, she hated how he was staying so detached though that's what I was supposed to do. "I shot him once with the Zat and…I felt relief that I could finally get away…get help for him. But then he grabbed me and my heart was pounding" now came the very hard part "he aimed the Zat at my head - I tried to reason with him but I couldn't, he wouldn't listen" Carter began to speak faster as though now she just wanted this line of conversation over and done with. "I looked into his eyes and it wasn't him, it wasn't the person I – have…had known for years. I felt so useless then, nothing I had learned could help me anymore and then, I shot him and he went down" she finished. Her voice was normal again now but that wasn't what Mackenzie wanted.
"You said you were scared when he was shooting at you, but what about when you were shooting at him?" the Doctor pushed. Janet shot him a warning glance, he was getting too close now but Mackenzie ignored her, he was doing his job and Doc Fraiser couldn't interfere.
"I was sad…" not that isn't right "I felt empty, as though a part of me had just been torn out. I had just killed my friend and I was hurting" Sam finished. Guess we'll never have a chance to cross the fine line between friendship and flirting again, so many things that in one second I stopped you from ever accomplishing. "Um…is that it? Can I go now?" she moved as if to stand and walk away but Mackenzie stopped her.
"Not yet Major" he replied as he wrote upon the pad.
Daniel and Teal'c had listened intently to what Sam had reported, they both wished they could have been there – maybe if they had ran to the cave instead of walking leisurely along they could have intervened and Jack could be in the Infirmary now, moaning that he was okay and wanted to be released. Janet could be threatening him with the big needles, telling him to be quiet or she would be forced to use them. "I think that's enough, right Janet?" Daniel moved his gaze from one Doctor to the other.
Mackenzie held up his hand to silence them. "Just a few more minutes and then you can leave Major" Janet didn't like it but she nodded. "And in these blackouts, what are you experiencing?" this was what he had wanted to get to all along.
"I'm happy there, SG-1 is all together and nobody died…there's no sense of loss or fear or sadness" Carter explained, all she wanted to do was leave and Mackenzie just kept pushing and pushing.
He nodded and pushed his glasses further onto his nose and he wrote some more. "And which version do you believe?" he pried a little deeper.
Carter hesitated – the point here was to tell the truth but not make him believe she was losing her mind, at the moment though those two appeared to go hand-in-hand. "I want to believe the events that I'm 'living' in the other version, everything seems easier there somehow. Easy because she didn't have to live with knowing she caused the death of Jack "but what the emotions that I have here are so vivid in comparison to there that I know that the 'other place' is just what my mind made up" told the truth, expressed myself and told him what he wanted to hear-good work Sam Carter thought to herself.
Mackenzie smiled brightly, nodded and then began to speak. "I'm glad you see that…as painful as it is to hear, this is real and everything else is a figment of your imagination, its your subconscious' way of allowing you to deal with your friends death." And then he told her she could go; it was as 'easy' as that. But this day was going to be extremely long…first it was the funeral and then the wake. This day kind of reminded her of when she, and the rest of SG-1 had seen Mackenzie about Daniel's 'death', because right now she was thinking the same thing about O'Neill. I know he's dead, but I know he's alive and once again, both realities could not be true. But this time, in the back of her mind she knew it was the former that was real.
***
After Daniel had left her hours earlier, working in her Lab, Carter had packed away her things and returned to her quarters to rest. She still resented the fact that she couldn't go on the mission the next day if I would've kept this to myself I'd still be going tomorrow. It was on that thought that she had fallen asleep, the main light still on. When Sam woke the pillow was wet and when she put a finger to her cheek tears were still there, drying now. "Now that was weird" the Major knew what had happened and that worried her, a lot. She had been there again – living the reality where everything was completely messed up. And just before she had awoke, there had been a funeral, it was scary how she the emotions from that were still with her when she woke. One thing was apparent though, as terrible as it was to believe – that reality must be true because it was so real. Which meant that somehow she had to put a stop this version before she got too attached to it, Carter left her room and headed to the Infirmary.
*
By now Carter had convinced herself that this reality was completely fake, she believed that she had indeed made up this version to get over Jack's death. As much as it tore her apart to withdraw into the other version, she couldn't go on 'living' a lie. But, to make sure she had to sort out the people of this reality – the made up reality. How could she go back to the other place when these people were still haunting her waking moments? She pushed open the door to the Infirmary and locked it behind her, the place was deserted but for Janet who was leafing through a stack of papers, by a bed in the far corner. "Janet?" Sam called out pleasantly.
The Doc turned around and smiled at her. "Hey Sam, aren't you going to see the guys off? They'll be leaving soon" she said as she continued to look at the papers and speak to Carter at the same time.
"I know…I'll get to them in a minute, I finally came to a conclusion about the blackouts" the Major stepped closer to Janet; a Zat was concealed behind her. From her friendly smile it appeared as though there was nothing amiss.
Her friend turned around in her chair to face Carter "well that's great…but you know that doesn't mean you can go on the mission now, right?" she checked.
Sam nodded "I finally understand that this isn't real, I mean how can I be feeling like this about something I made up? To be completely honest with you it scares me that I'll be going back to a, for lack of a better word, reality where I killed a man that I have such strong feelings for but I have to do this. It can't be healthy living in a made-up world, can it?" it was scary how calm she felt right now, it was eerie and Janet was worried. "I'm guessing I can't just ignore everyone here or I'll just keep returning in my mind so I have to get rid of it all permanently, if my subconscious believes that you're all dead then this place won't be comforting anymore" everything was so crystal clear to her now.
"It was so nice here too…so homely I guess, but it was my mind doing all the work again. Like I said to Jack earlier it was really me controlling what you were all saying, that's why this reality was so ideal to me" it didn't escape Janet that she had called him Jack, but from how Carter was talking she probably believed she couldn't get court marshaled from admitting things about someone that to her, didn't even exist anymore. "There were so many things I never got to say to him but this is my subconscious' way of letting me…admit things without getting hurt" the Doc opened her mind to speak but Sam cut her off "please don't say anything…it'll just make this harder" she pleaded, then without saying anything else, aimed and fired the Zat.
Janet fell from her chair to the hard floor "damn" Carter looked a little annoyed now. "I'm going to be late so I'll be back later Janet" the Major walked from the Infirmary and locked the door behind her again before hurrying along on her way.
*
"I thought Janet said you couldn't here," Daniel said as he watched Carter walk into the Gateroom all ready to go with them. "Not that I'm not happy to see you can come, does this mean you're better?"
Sam nodded happily "its all be sorted out, I went to her this morning and she was…understanding" Daniel looked at her strangely, it was a weird word to use – understanding, about what?" However he shrugged it off, thinking he was looking too deeply into things.
"I am pleased that you are well Major Carter" Teal'c smiled at his friend and teammate before turning to the Stargate in preparation to leave.
"It's great to have you back Carter" Sam turned around and smiled brightly at O'Neill. It was going to be so hard to say goodbye, but at least this time she would get the chance to. The seventh chevron locked and SG-1 walked along the same ramp they had done on many occasions before, but this time, would they be coming back?
To be continued…