Disclaimer: I do not own, nor claim to own the wonderful world of Harry Potter or its characters. I just mess around a little.
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In a normal school, one would expect that there would not be much to do for a nurse. Perhaps the odd bruise here or a scrape there. It would probably be once every decade that a really serious injury had to be treated.
By the very fact that Hogwarts was an academy for witches and wizards, it could be said that it was not a normal school. However, one look at the treatment log in the infirmary would be all that were needed, if more were, to confirm that Hogwarts was most definitely not an ordinary teaching establishment. In the last five years the school nurse, Madam Pomfrey, had dealt with more serious injuries than a doctor in a front-line hospital would in his entire military-lifetime.
Hands on hips, lips pursed disapprovingly, Madam Pomfrey surveyed the scene before her and pondered who was most in need of her aid. Eight rather dishevelled students either stood or lay before her. The normally angelic looking Draco Malfoy kept sneezing maggots everywhere, Harry Potter was covered in rather ugly, explosive looking boils, Ronald Weasley was lying snoring loudly on the floor, Vincent Crabbe appeared to be trying to ingest his hand whilst both Pansy Parkinson and Hermione Granger were seemingly stuck in an unstoppable fit of the giggles all the while shooting each other death glares. Compared to them, Ginny Weasley and Blaise Zabini at first glance looked unscathed, a closer look revealed that Ginny now sported a lion's mane around her neck and Blaise had porcupine quills sprouting from his back.
As her floor was covered with another wave of maggots it was clear that young Mr Malfoy's problem was the most urgent. Shaking her head she muttered a couple of words under her breath as she tapped him on the head. A brief look of relief made its appearance on Draco's face before a grimace surfaced. Without a word she passed him a handkerchief. He took it and blew, his face contorting in distaste as he saw the remains of squished maggots.
"You'll be blowing those out for the next two days I'm afraid. There's no quick solution. Now be off with you!"
Turning back to the remaining students, Madam Pomfrey motioned for the two hysterical girls to follow her. Dutifully and rather gingerly the girls trailed into her store cupboard to be faced with the sight of the Nurse wielding an impossibly large spoon filled with a green liquid reminiscent of snot.
"So, which one of you is up first then?"
Barely acknowledging the other's presence Pansy stepped forward. Taking a deep breath she gulped the vile looking medicine and immediately tried to spit it out. Not about to see good medicine go to waste, Madame Pomfrey intervened, clamping Pansy's mouth shut and bellowing "Swallow, SWALLOW!" at the same time.
Hermione's eyes had widened to the size of saucers and she began to back away from the other two. However, the nurse had sensed her patient's thoughts of fleeing and whirled herself round quickly and bore down on the alarmed bookworm.
"Now you Miss Granger. You'll swallow this if you don't want your sides to split from trying to stop those giggles."
Hermione's only response was a rather frightened giggle combined with a ferocious shake of the head as she manoeuvred herself towards the door. Her ease of mind was not helped by the sight of an extremely pale looking Pansy desperately trying to scrape the flavour from her tongue. Her moment's slip of attention from Madam Pomfrey to Pansy was all the nurse had needed to refill the spoon and come within an inch of her. Backing away and still shaking her head furiously in the midst of giggling Hermione made a dive for the door only to find herself pulled back by an invisible force. Dropping her shoulders in defeat and attempting to sigh between her giggles, Hermione opened her mouth and swallowed.
"Oh god, what is that??? That is the foulest thing…" Hermione trailed off at the sight of Madam Pomfrey's narrow stare.
"Er… thankyou?"
With a loud "Humph!" Madam Pomfrey swept passed the girls and back out into the infirmary where a loud commotion had begun.
She was greeted with the sight of Blaise Zabini glowering thunderously behind the back of Professor Snape who had situated himself between that angry young man and an equally livid Ginny Weasley, who had Professor McGonagall at her side. Before she had a chance to explain the situation to the two House Heads both Ginny and Blaise began speaking at the same time, each getting progressively louder as they tried to drown the other out. Minerva McGonagall looked impassive, but to the nurse's experienced eyes she could see that the old woman was having trouble suppressing laughter at the behaviour of the two students.
Stuck in between Severus Snape was again wishing that someone would do him in, for in these instances death would be a welcome intervention to Ginny's banshee screech-like tones in one ear and Blaise's hollering in the other. Snape's eye barely perceptively twitched, in his mind he was running through his ingredients order list to prevent himself from permanently rendering the two mute.
Casting her eye over the remaining casualties Madame Pomfrey debated in her mind who was next to be tended to. Her question answered itself as a boil exploded on Harry's face causing him to yelp in a mixture of pain and surprise. Some of the pus had flown quite a distance and both Ginny and Professor McGonagall were hurriedly wiping it from the sleeves of their tops.
"Mr Potter follow me please," so saying she led him behind a starched white canvas screen and began to apply a foul smelling ointment to his boils. From around the screen the raised voices of the two remaining students who were able to speak could be heard.
"This is all your fault!"
"Mine? Talk about the pot calling the cauldron black! Just remember who started this all!"
"Started??! If Malfoy hadn't been an annoying little idiot and shared like everyone else none of this would have happened!"
"Oh, really? I suppose that justifies over five of you attacking two people who were just sat in the library studying. If we hadn't arrived and evened things up who knows what you would've done."
"Attacked? All I did was sit down and Vincent managed to throw himself off his chair in his rush to get away!"
On saying this Ginny turned her eyes accusingly to Crabbe who was still locked in a battle to avoid stuffing his own hand down his incredibly large mouth. Engaged as he was in a futile struggle between his left and right arms, Vincent could do nothing to respond and threw a helpless silent plea for assistance to his Head of House and housemate. Before Blaise could rise to his defence; Snape spoke, obviously tired from being yelled at in two directions.
"Enough! It's clear that a fight was started that has resulted in numerous students being hexed in various manners. I highly doubt that we shall determine the real culprits for its initiation. Therefore, everyone involved will report for detention with me at the end of each day next week."
With that he gave a courteous nod to McGonagall and made his exit from the infirmary. Professor McGonagall, lips set in a thin line, turned to a mutinous looking Ginny.
"Miss Weasley, please inform the rest of your housemates involved in this incident that I will speak to you all individually regarding this matter. I need not add that I am highly unimpressed and disappointed with you all."
So saying the stern Head of Gryffindor also swept out of the infirmary leaving Madam Pomfrey to nurse the rest of her, somewhat more subdued, patients in peace.
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As she walked down the long corridor from the infirmary Minerva McGonagall heard soft chuckling coming from one of the many rooms on the right-side of the passage. She opened the door and peeked inside. What she saw would not have been believed by anyone. Severus Snape, feared Potions Master of Hogwarts, onetime Deatheater and the scourge of students everywhere, was sat on a window ledge, laughing. He looked up as she entered.
"A lion's mane! You know the way she was carrying on in there it really suited her."
The corners of Minerva's mouth twitched but she attempted to keep her expression serious.
"Really Severus, it's not nice to laugh at another's misfortune."
"Who would ever say I was nice?" He adjusted himself on the ledge so that there was room for her to sit. Minerva gave him one of her trademark baleful looks, then gave up the pretence and laughed heartily.
"The porcupine quills were a good touch, although perhaps peacock feathers would've been more appropriate?"
"Why Professor McGonagall are you insinuating that Mr Zabini is a mite vain? I'm shocked that a professor of your stature would imply such a thing!"
With that they both launched into peals of laughter that lasted a good ten minutes.
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Author's notes:
This really is half a chapter, but owing to my baby 'puter getting a little bug it's all I've had a chance to churn out and I didn't want to leave it too long to update. As ever, please review if you've read. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.