wildmage101: Here is the D/N chapter that you asked for! And I dedicate it to you! I hope you like it! I hope everyone likes it!

This is going to be the best one to make fun of! Numair is a child molester! Just say 'no', Daine! But this one was particularly difficult to write. There are few D/N fics that actually have plots, mostly they are just fluff. Serious fluff. Which is great until it's repeated over and over in various stories. This is what I am trying to portray. I also stuck in a few of my own ideas for some Numair bashing.

Not Another Daine and Numair Fic!

Usually these fics start out awhile after The Realm of the Gods, which is soon after Daine and Numair confess their love for each other. Keep in mind that Numair is a perverted man in his 30's and our dear little magelet Veralidaine is merely 16, barely old enough to drive a car, let alone sleep with an old guy. But hey, this is Tortall.

Based on my observations, usually these fluffy fics start out in a bedroom. Though they most likely are sharing a bed, Numair and Daine may or may not actually be sleeping together in that dirty way. Often times the "plot" starts out with one of the two lovers thinking deeply about their relationship or something of the sort.

Daine: brushes smoky brown curls away from her face Oh, Numy, I love you so much!

Numair: I love you too, magelet. brushes away a smoky brown curl from her face

Daine: Don'tcha think we should tell people?

Numair: About what?

Daine: About us, you dolt.

Numair: Tell them or not, it doesn't matter, they'll find out soon, magelet.

Daine: Odds bobs! Oh, you always know what to say, Numy!

Some point after this romantic bantering, a fluff scene occurs (as if it's not fluffy already.) Most of it is sweet fluff, kissing and such. The next day or so, Numair is still thinking deeply about their relationship, the same thought that he was thinking at the beginning of the story (see beginning of story.)

Numair: ponders Should I really stay with Daine? After all, I am twice her age. What is she woke up one morning and saw an old man? She is still so young, why would she ever want me?

Or his thoughts could go along the lines of:

Numair: I am trying to sort out my feelings about Daine. She is very attractive, that's for sure, with her smoky brown curls and all. But even though I am a perverted pedophile, I do possess some morals and I feel kind of guilty about screwing Daine. Taking away her innocence and all. But Daine is so hot!

The only conflict in these plots is Numair's internal struggles with Daine-related issues.

Sometime later, Daine walks in to find her dear Numy pounding his head on the table.

Daine: Odds bobs! Numair, sweetums, what's wrong? smoothes back a smoky brown curl

Numair: Oh, magelet, I want you to be happy.

Daine: Yeah, well thanks. I am. sits in his lap

Numair: Someday you're going to wake up and see an old man. You are so young, why would you ever want me? Good God, why would you ever want me?

Daine: kisses him in that fluffy way and giggles Because I love you, Numy dear. I always will. Why do you ask?

Numair: kisses back Okay, then. I won't tear myself up inside anymore wondering about that. I just had to ask you because that was the whole point of the so-called "plot". Otherwise, there would be no point to the story. A storyline is made up that appears to have depth so as to catch the readers' attention, when in reality, the author just want to write some D/N shippage.

Daine: Ah, I see. Witty, these fanfiction writers are. they kiss each other like there's no tomorrow, promptly forgetting about the obstacle of Numair's inner struggles and paranoia that could have nearly destroyed their relationship. But who cares, they're in love.

…Fluffiness ensues…

…and more fluffiness. Major fluff. You will never find another pairing that has more fluffiness than that of D/N. All the fluffiness is the same, too. So fluffy that I could choke on it. Anyway, things start heating up, and Numair remembers the other thing that he might have been pondering earlier (Daine's innocence). Numair asks her about it, she says she loves him, she wants to be with him, kissy kissy, then the "plot" is over. That's it.

Now, I will add my own ending!

Numair: comes up for air in the middle of a heavy (but fluffy) makeout session Daine, being the kindly pedophile that I am, I feel the need to say that no matter how hot I think you are, I don't want to take advantage of your innocence.

Daine: I don't care about that. I love you, Numair. brushes back a smoky brown curl Damn these smoky brown curls! Why does ever single D/N writer have to write about my freakin' smoky brown curls!

Numair: blinks Well, they are lovely, magelet.

Daine: AAAHH! Shut up! I hate that stupid nickname!

Numair: shocked Sorry. I had no idea, sweet.

Daine: yanks on his horsetail They also go on and on about your stupid horsetail, too!

Numair is too shocked to say anything. Meanwhile, the author is rolling on the floor, laughing her butt off and having a hella time writing this.

Numair: angry Hey! No one makes fun of the Noomsta's horsetail!

Daine: Oh yeah, STORK MAN?

Numair: Yeah! screams an evil magic spell, wiping Daine into oblivion forever

Varice Kingsford appears out of nowhere Good riddance! Ha! Now you're all mine, Arram!

Numair: AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!

Fin.