Chapter Three: Heaven
For a long, pregnant moment, no one spoke or moved. Speech was a foreign concept to me. Movement wasn't an option. I could barely breathe.
And then I inhaled a great, hitching gasp of air, and the world that I thought had stopped swung into motion again. I exhaled and breathed a single word.
"Luke…"
Hearing me speak his name seemed to snap Luke out of the frozen state he had also fallen into. He blinked once, then again, and turned to the woman with him, the woman I now knew was his wife.
"Sarah, take the kids into the cabin," he said softly. "You go on in too, Pa and Ma. I'll be in shortly."
Quickly, Sarah obeyed Luke, taking the two children and baby into the cabin. I had glimpsed a dark-haired girl and boy for a brief second. Was the girl Heaven? I wondered. My arms ached to hold my daughter but Sarah swept them into the cabin so quickly that peek was all I saw of the girl I was sure was Heaven.
Toby approached me warily, glanced at me with watery eyes, and then went on into the cabin. I was sure he, like Annie, was probably doubting his own thoughts right now.
Annie followed Toby, but not before smiling softly at me. Her look was reassuring, something I needed right now.
I turned back to Luke, who hadn't said anything else yet. Nervously, I clasped my hands together. There was so much I wanted to say, none of which I could bring myself to blurt out just yet.
At that moment, Luke broke the heavy silence but I didn't know whether to feel relief or more uneasiness.
"Leigh? How is this possible?"
I was at a loss for words. After four years, I was standing with my real love, my protector, my husband and…and I was speechless. What did I say now that I was here? Where did I begin?
Just say something, Leigh, I thought. Just tell him the truth.
"Luke, I know you must be thinking all sorts of wild thoughts, but let me start by telling you I am really here, alive."
I took a deep breath. I was about to tell Luke the story. Luke knew all my secrets. Telling him my story would be different than telling Ma my story.
But it was something I had to do. He deserved to know.
And so I began.
Luke's face showed a range of emotions during my story. Anger, sadness, disappointment, and confusion all made appearances in his expression. He didn't interrupt. He let me talk until there was nothing left to say…except I love you which he hadn't said and I was actually too afraid to say.
When I finished, when I had told Luke everything, he didn't say anything. A cold chill crept through me then. What if he had let my memory go for good when he remarried? What if he didn't want me in his life now? What if he was unsure about where we stood now?
As it turned out, his reaction wasn't quite what I expected.
"You know, you can't just come back here and expect me to hand over Heaven," Luke began. "I've raised her so far. She's mine, too." He said hotly.
I was slightly taken aback by the angry tone I heard in his voice, but told myself to remain calm. I hadn't waited so long only to blow my last chance.
"I understand, Luke," I began, but he spoke again, cutting me off.
"How do you think I feel right now?" He asked. "I thought you died, Leigh. Heaven thinks Sarah is her mother." He shook his head, and continued.
"I had to let you go, Leigh. I had to put your memory away, out of sight. I had to move on. You- you died, Angel," he said, and then his voice cracked slightly. "And part of me died that night. I don't know if I can ever get that part back."
He looked into my eyes then, and I shivered. There was such pain in those eyes…such torment.
I took a step closer to Luke, and to my relief, he didn't back away.
"I'm sorry, Luke," I said softly. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. But as you now know, my life since then hasn't been the happiest.
"For the last few years, I've dreamed of coming back here, and being a wife to you and a mother to Heaven. I know I can't be your wife anymore," I continued, my voice catching slightly. I swallowed hard and spoke again. "But I can still be Heaven's mother."
To my shock, Luke shook his head.
"Maybe it's too late, Leigh. She has another mother."
"Luke Casteel!" I cried, horrified. "What are you saying? No matter what's happened, I'm still Heaven's mother."
He sat on the old porch's top step, and ran an agitated hand through his hair.
I took a good look at him then, and realized that the last four years had only served to mature Luke's features. He was even more handsome today than he had been the last time I had seen him.
I still loved him. And it hurt that he had remarried. But I could understand his reasons. Heaven had needed a mother, and he had probably been lonely without me.
But for him to say it was too late for me to be Heaven's mother… I wouldn't accept that. I couldn't. Heaven had a right to know me, her real mother. I had a right to know my own daughter.
"Why would you even say that?" I asked, hurt.
He looked up at me again.
"I said it because having you back in my life and in Heaven's life after you being gone-after thinking you were dead-would hurt too much. And what if you left again?"
I sat next to him and looked at him, determined to make him believe me.
"Luke, I wouldn't ever leave. I didn't leave of my own will last time! I told you I was forced to go back to Boston, forced to live with Tony and my mother. Believe me, the only thing I wanted to do was run straight back here to you and Heaven.
"I'm sorry you thought I was dead. I just- I thought that someone would have told you I wasn't. I couldn't get to you to tell you otherwise. I felt so…alone, Luke. I wanted you to be there to hold me, but I couldn't get away from Farthy.
"Don't you think I loved you?" I cried. "Don't you know I still do love you? I love Heaven, too, though I haven't been able to be a mother to her before now. But I'm here now. I'm alive. That's what matters," I finished.
Luke stood, and walked a few steps away from me. I stood, uncertain of what he would say.
To my surprise, he spun around and closed the distance between us. My breath caught as he moved close enough to kiss me, should he want to. My whole body seemed to be screaming for him to touch me.
He touched my face with a trembling hand, and his dark eyes burned into mine with an intensity that stirred me. What did he see in my eyes? I wondered. I hoped he saw all the things I had said to him.
Luke's eyes never left mine as he lowered his mouth to mine. I closed my eyes in anticipation of his kiss, but it never came. I opened my eyes to see he had moved away several paces.
He spoke then, quietly, without looking at me.
"I guess I can't really stop you from bein' a mother to Heaven," he said. "If that's what you want to do, then go ahead. But you and I, Angel…we can't…be what we used to be to each other."
Then he walked to the door of the cabin and opened it.
"Sarah, send Heaven out!" He called.
He turned back to me.
"I don't understand why all this has happened, but I won't interfere with you being a mama to Heaven." Then, so low I could barely hear him, he murmured, "I still love you, Angel."
My eyes filled with tears as Luke turned and walked over to his truck. He got in, slammed the door, and peeled out of the driveway a moment later.
He loves me, I thought, but he won't act on that love. My heart ached for him, and for myself. How agonizing seeing me again like this must be for him, I thought.
But I still had a purpose for being here, I thought. Heaven was my purpose. She would become all that mattered to me here. She would be my redemption.
A moment later, she appeared in the doorway of the cabin.
Spellbound, I moved eagerly toward Heaven. I didn't want to frighten her, but now that I was this close to my little girl, it was hard to contain my excitement. I sat again on the porch steps and smiled at her while trying to control my tears of happiness.
Cautiously, she approached me. I got my first clear look at my daughter.
Heaven's hair, the dark hair she had been born with was fine and hadn't changed in color. Her eyes were a cornflower blue and her facial features were a definite blind of mine…and Tony's. She had my nose, mouth and cheekbones, or so I thought, and his hands, jaw and hair color.
She was a beautiful girl. I could tell from the way she eyed me that she curious about the world around her. I couldn't help but smile again.
I longed to hold her, but knew that might scare her off. So instead, I talked to her.
"Hello, Heaven," I said softly. "My name is Leigh. I'm a friend of your father."
She came forward a few steps further and sat beside me.
"Hi Leigh," she said softly, with a wide smile.
My own smile faltered for a moment. I was overcome with emotion, but managed to control myself.
Heaven began talking about a dog she had named Buddy. She was obviously at ease with me.
Soon, I vowed, she'll call me Mommy and know me as her mother. Soon, I'll reclaim all I've lost.
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it's shorter than the others, but I'll try to make up for that in the next ones!
For a long, pregnant moment, no one spoke or moved. Speech was a foreign concept to me. Movement wasn't an option. I could barely breathe.
And then I inhaled a great, hitching gasp of air, and the world that I thought had stopped swung into motion again. I exhaled and breathed a single word.
"Luke…"
Hearing me speak his name seemed to snap Luke out of the frozen state he had also fallen into. He blinked once, then again, and turned to the woman with him, the woman I now knew was his wife.
"Sarah, take the kids into the cabin," he said softly. "You go on in too, Pa and Ma. I'll be in shortly."
Quickly, Sarah obeyed Luke, taking the two children and baby into the cabin. I had glimpsed a dark-haired girl and boy for a brief second. Was the girl Heaven? I wondered. My arms ached to hold my daughter but Sarah swept them into the cabin so quickly that peek was all I saw of the girl I was sure was Heaven.
Toby approached me warily, glanced at me with watery eyes, and then went on into the cabin. I was sure he, like Annie, was probably doubting his own thoughts right now.
Annie followed Toby, but not before smiling softly at me. Her look was reassuring, something I needed right now.
I turned back to Luke, who hadn't said anything else yet. Nervously, I clasped my hands together. There was so much I wanted to say, none of which I could bring myself to blurt out just yet.
At that moment, Luke broke the heavy silence but I didn't know whether to feel relief or more uneasiness.
"Leigh? How is this possible?"
I was at a loss for words. After four years, I was standing with my real love, my protector, my husband and…and I was speechless. What did I say now that I was here? Where did I begin?
Just say something, Leigh, I thought. Just tell him the truth.
"Luke, I know you must be thinking all sorts of wild thoughts, but let me start by telling you I am really here, alive."
I took a deep breath. I was about to tell Luke the story. Luke knew all my secrets. Telling him my story would be different than telling Ma my story.
But it was something I had to do. He deserved to know.
And so I began.
Luke's face showed a range of emotions during my story. Anger, sadness, disappointment, and confusion all made appearances in his expression. He didn't interrupt. He let me talk until there was nothing left to say…except I love you which he hadn't said and I was actually too afraid to say.
When I finished, when I had told Luke everything, he didn't say anything. A cold chill crept through me then. What if he had let my memory go for good when he remarried? What if he didn't want me in his life now? What if he was unsure about where we stood now?
As it turned out, his reaction wasn't quite what I expected.
"You know, you can't just come back here and expect me to hand over Heaven," Luke began. "I've raised her so far. She's mine, too." He said hotly.
I was slightly taken aback by the angry tone I heard in his voice, but told myself to remain calm. I hadn't waited so long only to blow my last chance.
"I understand, Luke," I began, but he spoke again, cutting me off.
"How do you think I feel right now?" He asked. "I thought you died, Leigh. Heaven thinks Sarah is her mother." He shook his head, and continued.
"I had to let you go, Leigh. I had to put your memory away, out of sight. I had to move on. You- you died, Angel," he said, and then his voice cracked slightly. "And part of me died that night. I don't know if I can ever get that part back."
He looked into my eyes then, and I shivered. There was such pain in those eyes…such torment.
I took a step closer to Luke, and to my relief, he didn't back away.
"I'm sorry, Luke," I said softly. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. But as you now know, my life since then hasn't been the happiest.
"For the last few years, I've dreamed of coming back here, and being a wife to you and a mother to Heaven. I know I can't be your wife anymore," I continued, my voice catching slightly. I swallowed hard and spoke again. "But I can still be Heaven's mother."
To my shock, Luke shook his head.
"Maybe it's too late, Leigh. She has another mother."
"Luke Casteel!" I cried, horrified. "What are you saying? No matter what's happened, I'm still Heaven's mother."
He sat on the old porch's top step, and ran an agitated hand through his hair.
I took a good look at him then, and realized that the last four years had only served to mature Luke's features. He was even more handsome today than he had been the last time I had seen him.
I still loved him. And it hurt that he had remarried. But I could understand his reasons. Heaven had needed a mother, and he had probably been lonely without me.
But for him to say it was too late for me to be Heaven's mother… I wouldn't accept that. I couldn't. Heaven had a right to know me, her real mother. I had a right to know my own daughter.
"Why would you even say that?" I asked, hurt.
He looked up at me again.
"I said it because having you back in my life and in Heaven's life after you being gone-after thinking you were dead-would hurt too much. And what if you left again?"
I sat next to him and looked at him, determined to make him believe me.
"Luke, I wouldn't ever leave. I didn't leave of my own will last time! I told you I was forced to go back to Boston, forced to live with Tony and my mother. Believe me, the only thing I wanted to do was run straight back here to you and Heaven.
"I'm sorry you thought I was dead. I just- I thought that someone would have told you I wasn't. I couldn't get to you to tell you otherwise. I felt so…alone, Luke. I wanted you to be there to hold me, but I couldn't get away from Farthy.
"Don't you think I loved you?" I cried. "Don't you know I still do love you? I love Heaven, too, though I haven't been able to be a mother to her before now. But I'm here now. I'm alive. That's what matters," I finished.
Luke stood, and walked a few steps away from me. I stood, uncertain of what he would say.
To my surprise, he spun around and closed the distance between us. My breath caught as he moved close enough to kiss me, should he want to. My whole body seemed to be screaming for him to touch me.
He touched my face with a trembling hand, and his dark eyes burned into mine with an intensity that stirred me. What did he see in my eyes? I wondered. I hoped he saw all the things I had said to him.
Luke's eyes never left mine as he lowered his mouth to mine. I closed my eyes in anticipation of his kiss, but it never came. I opened my eyes to see he had moved away several paces.
He spoke then, quietly, without looking at me.
"I guess I can't really stop you from bein' a mother to Heaven," he said. "If that's what you want to do, then go ahead. But you and I, Angel…we can't…be what we used to be to each other."
Then he walked to the door of the cabin and opened it.
"Sarah, send Heaven out!" He called.
He turned back to me.
"I don't understand why all this has happened, but I won't interfere with you being a mama to Heaven." Then, so low I could barely hear him, he murmured, "I still love you, Angel."
My eyes filled with tears as Luke turned and walked over to his truck. He got in, slammed the door, and peeled out of the driveway a moment later.
He loves me, I thought, but he won't act on that love. My heart ached for him, and for myself. How agonizing seeing me again like this must be for him, I thought.
But I still had a purpose for being here, I thought. Heaven was my purpose. She would become all that mattered to me here. She would be my redemption.
A moment later, she appeared in the doorway of the cabin.
Spellbound, I moved eagerly toward Heaven. I didn't want to frighten her, but now that I was this close to my little girl, it was hard to contain my excitement. I sat again on the porch steps and smiled at her while trying to control my tears of happiness.
Cautiously, she approached me. I got my first clear look at my daughter.
Heaven's hair, the dark hair she had been born with was fine and hadn't changed in color. Her eyes were a cornflower blue and her facial features were a definite blind of mine…and Tony's. She had my nose, mouth and cheekbones, or so I thought, and his hands, jaw and hair color.
She was a beautiful girl. I could tell from the way she eyed me that she curious about the world around her. I couldn't help but smile again.
I longed to hold her, but knew that might scare her off. So instead, I talked to her.
"Hello, Heaven," I said softly. "My name is Leigh. I'm a friend of your father."
She came forward a few steps further and sat beside me.
"Hi Leigh," she said softly, with a wide smile.
My own smile faltered for a moment. I was overcome with emotion, but managed to control myself.
Heaven began talking about a dog she had named Buddy. She was obviously at ease with me.
Soon, I vowed, she'll call me Mommy and know me as her mother. Soon, I'll reclaim all I've lost.
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it's shorter than the others, but I'll try to make up for that in the next ones!