Disclaimer:  You know what?  No.  I am finished with disclaimers.  If I were Tamora Pierce, why would I write fanfiction about my own stories? 

We've all seen these fics.  "What if Alanna Went to the Convent?"  I must say, though, that there are some pretty good Alanna convent stories.  A really good one is one written by Peachy Garlic, and you should read it.  Just in case no one gets it yet, I am not making fun of anybody or their stories, I am just having fun at attempting humor and stuff.  I'm sure everyone has SOME kind of plotline that bugs them, so I am just making fun of them ALL so I can please everybody.  I have had lots of requests for this one, so here it is!  I FINALLY UPDATED!

Alanna Goes to the Convent! God forbid, what if she did?

Maude:  I saw it in the fire, Alanna!  For you to go to the palace and become a knight……well, it's just not going to work out.  So give it up.

Alanna:  Damn.  Thom, forge the letters anyway.

Now one of two things could happen at this point:

a)  Thom forges the letters.  He gets caught.

Lord Trebond:  What the shiznit are you doing, Thom?

Thom:  AAAHH!  *hides parchment behind back*  I mean, Alanna made me!

Lord Trebond:  You naughty children.  Off to the convent with you, Alanna. 

OR

b)  Thom refuses because he is a pansy.

Thom:  But we will get caught!

Alanna:  Thom, you are the BIGGEST pansy……

Now that her brother has officially ruined her life, she is dragged to the convent, wondering what horrors will befall her at this hellhole. 

Girl:  Hi!  My name's Cyria.  Wanna be my friend?

Alanna:  OK.  How can you stand this place?

Cyria:  *giggles*  Oh, you'll learn to love it!  *giggles* Hey, girls, may I introduce you to Alanna?

Girls:  *giggle* Hi! *giggle*

Alanna:  Oh my gawd. 

Daughters of the Convent:  Sit up straight, Alanna!  Don't slurp your soup Alanna!

Alanna:  I hate it here already.

5 years later…….

Alanna:  Still hatin'…...

Daughters of the Convent:  We can't wait till you get out of here, Alanna.  You always play tricks on us and misbehave.  Why?  Why??!!

Alanna:  To retain my spunky free-spirited nature, of course.  You can't tame Alanna of Trebond, lady or not.

DOTC:  Whatever…..anyways, you will never become a lady!  We're going to send you to Court to find a husband.  May the gods have mercy on you!

Alanna:  Yeah!  I'm outta here!

At the palace…..Alanna is reunited with dear Brother Thom.  Hugs and kisses all around.  She gets showed to her rooms.

Cyria:  It's ball time!

Alanna: Do I have to?  Wait, why are you here?  Actually, never mind.

Cyria:  *shocked*  Well, yes, of course you must go.  Otherwise you will never meet Prince Jonathon and fall in love with each other even though that's the last thing you want to happen.

Alanna:  I knew it!  Damn these plots!  Damn them to the inferno!

Jon is at the ball, watching the ladies walk down the staircase.  They are all the same, and he is getting fed up.

Jon:  *sighs*  All these ladies are the same, guys.  I am fed up.  Even though I am a arrogant chauvinist in the books, I still wish that there was someone different from all these boneheads, someone who stands out.

Right on cue, Alanna's name is announced and all eyes fall upon her like some goofy Cinderella story.  She glides down the grand staircase in her beautimous dress that is flowy and sparkly with diamonds all over and her long hair cascading down her back blah blah blah……

Jon's Posse:  *whistles*  Suga suga, how you get so fly……

Jon:  Hey!  Back off!  She is mine!  *kisses Alanna's hand*  Welcome to Corus, gentle lady.  I hope you enjoy your time here.  Would you care for a dance?

Alanna:  Yeah, yeah, let's just get it over with, then, 'k?  I don't like you, even though I have never met you before in my life.  But you are pretty hot.  I'll just play hard to get with you for the next few days.

Jon:  *doesn't hear a word she says because he is drooling all over the floor at her.*

Alanna:  I hate these balls…..

The next day Jon and his posse go to the practice courts and secretly watch Alanna do her swordplay.  She is actually doing it in secret, and doesn't want anyone to know. 

Alanna:  I'll just practice my unladylike swordplay in these here practice courts.  It's not anyone will walk in on me and/or possibly see me and SPY ON ME……*cough*  ahem…..

Raoul:  *nudges Jon and whispers*  That's our cue!  *steps out with rest of boys who were watching*

The boys are thrilled.  Thrilled to pieces.  It isn't everyday that they meet a noble lady who can wield a sword.  Who'd 'a thunk?  Someone challenges Alanna to a duel, thinking that girls can't fight worth beans.  She kicks his sorry ass.

Knight Who Got His Ass Kicked:  *dumbfounded*

Gary:  Wow, where'd you learn to do that?

Alanna:  I've been practicing swordplay and archery in secret ever since I was sent to the convent.  Plot convenience, you know.  Elsewise Jon would think I was just another one of those weak and helpless noble ladies and totally ignore me.

Gary:  Ah.

Alanna:  Besides, I can't save the Kingdom of Tortall from mortal danger while brandishing an embroidery needle!  I need amazing swordfighting skills to make my pitiful attempt at heroism believable!

Raoul:  I knew that.  I did.  Really.  Wait, mortal danger?  Where did that come from?

Alanna:  *shrugs*  Like I said, plot convenience.  Did I mention that I was going to marry Jon, too? 

Jon:  *suddenly interested* 

Alanna:  *smug*  Yep, that's right.  All within a week or so.  The fanfiction writers don't like to take things slow.

Jon:  But you acted like you hated me!

Alanna:  Well, yeah.  I'm supposed to.  I'm different than most noble ladies, right?  Your big fat ego needed to be lowered a few notches.  But see, a few days after I met you, I found that despite my unorthodox character, I had actually fallen for your manly charm and good looks and decided that you were my soul mate.

Jon:  Well, that's good then, because I knew you were mine from the moment I laid eyes on you, Alanna. 

Raoul:  Wait, what about the mortal danger?

Alanna:  Oh.  That.  Well, I don't know.  It never really happens.  Just a suspense tactic.

Raoul:  Oh.  *shuts up*

Jon:  Alrighty then!  Will you marry me, Alanna?

Alanna:  Ye--wait, isn't George supposed to be in the picture somewhere?

Jon:  Eh.  Sometimes. 

Alanna:  *shrugs*  Lets get fluffy.

Jon:  Aight.

Oh, that chapter was embarrassing.  I could've done a lot better.  Review anyway, if you would.  Lack of reviews kills my incentive to write more.  So if you like it, lemme know, please, so I can update sooner.  And tell me which plotline I should do next!  Shoutout to VisionInk!  And Peachy Garlic!  Your review on my Entertaining Notions story was great!  And I love your story! 

~Fugitive