Chapter Four: Changes
Many changes occurred in my life over the next few months. Some were more drastic than others, but they were necessary to the success of my new life.
I transferred from Boston University to a small community college in a town an hour away from Winnerrow. The town was somewhat larger than Winnerrow, but nowhere near the size of Boston. The school had a good reputation, and an even better program in which I could earn a degree in teaching. Teaching seemed like the best career for me to go into. I wanted to give something back to the citizens of Winnerrow. Although some of them had never made me feel very welcome, plenty of others had.
Never had I felt more as if I belonged someplace than I had felt in my short time in Winnerrow. I wanted badly to reclaim that feeling…even without Luke.
My life settled into a routine. I commuted to school during the week, spent the weekends with Heaven in Winnerrow, and managed to do fairly well in college. I enjoyed my classes immensely. My teachers were intelligent and loved to spark debates in class.
I thrived in college, on learning. I made new friends. The campus was small, and everyone knew practically everyone else. And what was even better was the fact that while the other students were just that--students--I was a mother, struggling to be that mother to her child.
However, from the first moment I had spent with Heaven, Sarah had resented me. She had yet to voice her feelings, but I could see the hate smoldering in her eyes. I could see it in the way she hovered near me when I was with Heaven, so that I often took Heaven back to my apartment to spend time with her away from Sarah.
I had made an effort to befriend Sarah, but she didn't seem interested. I knew she didn't like me because Luke had still clung to my memory when he had first married her, and now I had returned to claim his attention, and she probably thought, his love again.
However, Luke had done his best to avoid me since the day he had agreed to let me be a part of Heaven's life. I had only seen him a handful of times in the last few months. Annie confided that Luke spent a lot of time wandering and a good deal of that time at Shirley's Place in Winnerrow's red-light district.
I tried not to care. After all, Luke and I weren't really married anymore. We weren't living together. We weren't in love. I had no right to inquire as to where he went and who he saw.
But it still hurt to know that he couldn't even look at me.
One on of the rare occasions he spoke to me, I asked Luke why he was avoiding me. He answered that he couldn't bear seeing me and not being able to act like my husband.
Confused, I had touched his hand as he had turned to leave again.
"Luke, you can be my husband again. We can remarry, if you want to. Technically, your marriage to Sarah isn't even legal."
He had paused then, and given me a perplexed look. Encouraged, I continued.
"You and I are still married, Luke. We were married when you thought I died. We never divorced." I kept my hand on his. "We're still husband and wife, Luke."
He shook his head, confused.
"What? Of course Sarah an' I are married. Reverend Wise married us."
"Luke, if you don't believe me, ask a lawyer. He'll tell you the same thing I have just told you."
I didn't think any more of the conversation until about two weeks later when a packet of papers arrived in my mail. I quickly opened it, and nearly lost my breath when I read what Luke had done.
…Luke Casteel has petitioned for a divorce from Leigh VanVoreen Casteel…
Luke wanted to divorce me? So he could legally marry Sarah Williams? I stood on shaky legs, intending to go tell him just what I thought of him, but then sat down just as quickly.
He must truly love Sarah if he wanted to marry her right and proper, I thought.
Or he just couldn't love me anymore…
With a heavy heart, I signed the papers where my signature was needed. This was as good as admitting defeat, I thought, like cowing down and giving up on all my hopes for Luke and I. I still loved him, but would not force him to do anything he didn't want to do…such as return my love.
A few teardrops spilled onto the paper, but I quickly brushed them away, determined that no one would know of my broken heart.
_______
Time passed with only an acknowledgment from me. Luke's divorce from me became final. Heaven turned five years old, then six, and seven. I finished my freshman, sophomore and junior years of college.
I had talked with him about it, and he had maintained that it was "best for us all" if he and I divorced. His reason was that it wasn't right for he and I to remain married but not live together, and it wasn't right for him to 'divorce' Sarah to marry me.
I didn't think his reasoning made sense at all. In fact, I thought he was just scared to love me again after believing I was dead for four years. But I wouldn't dare say anything to him about it. And I would not pine away for Luke. I would tuck my love for him away deep in my heart, and I would move on with my life. I had to.
I would make Heaven my sole purpose in the Willies, just as I had decided I would years ago. I would dedicate all my time to her.
That's exactly what I did on my summer vacation from college. In order to graduate a semester early, I was taking summer classes, but in between those extra classes and working, I spent all my free time with Heaven. I took her to Winnerrow's park and played with her there. I took her to the Winnerrow's only hotel's lobby and we ate lunches there in the "fancy" lobby, as she called it.
Slowly, my daughter had begun to trust me. She spent at least three nights each week in my apartment. We did silly things together, but spent time doing serious things, too. The best times were our "singing times." Those were when she and I would sing together. I felt close to her in those moments.
She had called me Mama the first time on June 25th, the year she was five and I even now, I couldn't remember a time I had been happier. Over the next few weeks, Heaven and I grew even closer.
It was as if the closer I got the Heaven, the farther away from us both Luke wanted to be. He was gone even more now than he had been before, and the more Luke was gone, the more Sarah resented me.
I had no idea just how much she resented me and just how far she would go to get me out of her life until a few weeks later.
_______
"I'll be back on Monday, Heaven," I said. Heaven and I were standing outside Luke's cabin, saying goodbye. I was going to visit Jennifer Longstone, my best friend from Winterhaven Academy for the weekend, and I was leaving Heaven here.
"Okay, Mama," she replied and hugged me again. I hugged her back, kissed her cheek and then stood.
"Be good," I said with a smile.
"I will. You don't have to worry about me, Mama," she said.
She smiled back at me and then I got into my car. I drove away without looking back.
If I had known what was about to happen, I wouldn't have stopped looking back.
_______
Jennifer Longstone was now Jennifer Matthews. She had married her childhood sweetheart, William Matthews. I had gone to the wedding, which had been held in Boston.
I hadn't soon forgotten my fear that somehow Momma or Tony would find out I was in Boston, so very near to Farthy. In fact, while I was at the wedding, I had seen a blonde haired woman who, from the side, looked so much like my mother that I had lost my breath. But when she turned around fully, I had immediately known she was not my mother.
The strange mix of relief and sadness I had felt then had confused me. A part of me never wanted to see Momma, Tony or Farthy again. That part hated the Bostonian attitude, the rigors of high society and the snobbery.
Another part of me longed to have my mother in my life again, but doubted if that was possible.
Jennifer didn't live in Boston anymore. She and William had moved to South Carolina two years ago. But she had friends who lived in Boston who told her about the Tattertons. Apparently, Tony's empire was still making huge profits each year, and Momma still held her social events consistently.
I had lain awake many nights sobbing for what I had lost at the age of fourteen: a mother, my father, my innocence, the life I should have had. But when I compared losing all that to gaining Heaven, the past didn't hurt as much.
Besides, if Momma hadn't ever taken the trouble to at least try to find me, she couldn't miss me very much, could she? And I wanted her to miss me. I wanted her to lay awake nights, crying as I had cried for years now, dreaming of me and all she had done to drive me away…and of all she had lost when she lost me.
But over the years, the thoughts of revenge had disappeared. I didn't want to live my life that way. I didn't want to burn every bridge I came across.
All I wanted was to be happy. I didn't think that was too much to ask, not after everything I had been through.
_______
As soon as I stepped off the plane in Greenville, South Carolina, I heard someone call out my name.
"LEIGH!" Jennifer squealed excitedly. We hadn't seen each other since her wedding to William. I was as excited as she was.
I jogged toward her and we met in the middle of the terminal. She threw her arms around me and I hugged her back. We didn't pull away for a few long moments. When we did, I took a good look at my old friend.
Jennifer looked much the same as she had when we were fourteen, and again when we were nineteen. Now that we were both twenty-one, and legal adults, I had somehow expected her to look wiser or at least older. But Jennifer had the ability to look five years younger than she really was.
Her big brown eyes sparkled with happiness and mischief, and her long, black hair was pulled up into a ponytail, which made her look even younger. Her smile was a comforting as ever.
"Jen, it's so good to see you!" I exclaimed.
Then I saw what I hadn't noticed before.
"You're pregnant?" I asked incredulously.
Jennifer nodded.
"Yes, I'm almost four months along," she replied.
I hugged her again, more cautiously this time.
"That's great news, Jen. Why didn't you tell me the last time we talked?"
"I wanted to surprise you," she said with a grin.
"Well, you succeeded!"
William walked over to us then, and put an arm around Jennifer's shoulder. He extended his hand to me, and I shook it. I had liked William from the first time we met, and he was one of the few people who knew my story.
His blue eyes shone with happiness as he greeted me.
"It's nice to see you again, Leigh."
"It's nice to see you again, too, William."
He glanced at Jennifer. The look plainly asked: Should we tell her? Jennifer nodded, and before William could speak, she bubbled over with her announcement.
"Leigh, we invited a surprise guest for the weekend. You'll never guess who it is: Joshua Bennington!" She said, before I could even think of who she would have invited.
Joshua Bennington? My childhood sweetheart, Joshua Bennington?
"Why--why would you do that?"
"Because," Jennifer trilled, "Josh is single like you are, and when I mentioned you were coming down for the weekend soon, he practically begged me to invite him."
"I'm sure he did," I replied.
Jennifer smiled coyly.
"Okay, so he didn't beg me to invite him. But he did seem interested in what you were doing and where you were. I told him you had almost finished college and were living in West Virginia, and were single, and then I decided to invite him down." She smiled at me innocently. "Josh and William have been friends since Winterhaven, and William doesn't care at all to have two guests for this weekend."
"What will we talk about? We--we don't even know each other anymore!"
Jennifer laughed.
"Well, as I remember, you and Josh were quite involved at Winterhaven."
"Jen, that was five years ago," I protested.
Joshua and I had become a couple again when I had returned from Winnerrow. I had never told him I had a little girl back in West Virginia, just that I had run away from home because I was unhappy there. He still cared for me, and we had been together throughout high school.
I had thought I was in love with him, but had broken off our relationship after we had graduated from our respective schools. I knew I had hurt him, although I had tried to end things as gracefully as I could.
I hadn't seen Joshua since I had left for Winnerrow. The one time I had seen him after graduation, he hadn't seemed bitter about our breakup. It had hurt me too, to leave him that way. But I had known even then that I had to go back to Winnerrow. Staying in Boston--and with Joshua--wasn't an option.
What would our imminent reunion be like, I wondered, as William loaded my suitcase into his car. Would Joshua and I get along? Or would we be strangers to each other?
I knew I would find out soon.
_______
I could see Joshua sitting on the front porch of William and Jennifer's two-story home as we pulled up in the driveway. My heart felt lodged in my throat as William stopped the car and we all exited it. Slowly, I moved toward where Joshua sat. As I approached, he stood.
"Hello, Leigh," he said softly. I somehow managed to respond.
"Hello, Joshua."
He hesitated, obviously wondering whether to shake my hand or hug me. Finally, I stepped forward and hugged him tentatively. After a second, he returned the hug. I caught the scent of his cologne--the same kind he had worn in high school--and felt a wave of memories sweep over me.
I realized then how much I had missed Joshua. He and I had always been good friends, and I missed our friendship even more than I had ever missed our romantic relationship.
Joshua and I drew away from each other after a long moment, but neither of us spoke. I didn't really know what to say to break the proverbial ice, and it appeared he didn't either. Luckily, Jennifer stepped in.
"Well, William and I will take Leigh's bag into the guest room and you two can catch up," she said. It was obvious William didn't need any help getting my bag inside, but at least she was trying to help.
Joshua leaned against the nearest post and looked at me. I did the same.
He had changed somewhat in the last years. He had let his black hair grow out a little longer, and his face looked stronger, more mature, but his green eyes looked as warm as ever. Seeing the familiar friendliness in his eyes loosened my tongue.
"Joshua, I know this-"
"Please," he interrupted, "call me Josh. I'm sorry I interrupted you."
I shook my head.
"That's okay. I was going to say that although I know this must be as awkward for you as it is for me, I hope that we…can be friends again."
A smile spread across Josh's face, a smile that I found myself responding.
"Of course we can be friends again, Leigh. I haven't held any hard feelings against you. I know you had your reasons for ending our relationship--but I forgave you for that a long time ago." He said, and raked a hand through his hair. "I've missed you," he added.
"I-I've missed you, too," I admitted.
That seemed to break that ice between us, and for the next half hour, Josh and I talked about where we had been and what we had done for the last few years. Like me, he had almost finished college. But where I was going into teaching, Josh wanted to be an art historian.
I almost envied him. Josh's future seemed set. He had a promising career. He had wonderful parents. Undoubtedly, he would find a fantastic wife.
Meanwhile, I was struggling to let go of Luke while finding myself unable to fall out of love with him. My daughter's stepmother hated me. I only had limited access to my daughter.
But I wouldn't trade lives with Josh, because in my own life, I had Heaven.
And she was all I needed.
Nevertheless, I knew I wouldn't mind having Josh in my life again, even as just a friend. From the way he's looking at me, I thought, that's still a possibility.
_______
From that point on, the weekend flew by. And for once, I did not think of Luke. Not when I was surrounded by friends like Jennifer, William and Josh.
At first, I did not want to admit it to myself, but as the weekend wore on into Sunday evening, I realized I had begun to feel some of my old attraction to Josh. I tried to write it off as simply mixed emotions about being around him again. But he and I had both matured over the last few years, and what I was feeling toward him now was no schoolgirl crush. It was a strong attraction.
I felt confused by what I was feeling. It was almost as if I was being unfaithful to Luke. But that was ridiculous! Luke had made it more than clear that he no longer loved me. For whatever reasons, he had fallen out of love with me. I had every right to find someone else to love. I should move on with my life.
But I knew that that would not be easy.
Josh and I spent a good amount of time talking, and exchanged addresses. He was living off-campus near Boston University. Of course, he wanted to know where I was living. When I said I was living in West Virginia, and going to college there to be near my daughter, he appeared surprised, but didn't pry for information. The fact that he did not immediately ask to know my story impelled me to tell him that story.
By the time I finished, his handsome face was red with anger.
"Gosh, Leigh, if I could, I'd go find Tony and beat him to a pulp." He slammed his fist into the palm of his other hand. "Anyone who would do all that to a young, innocent girl…."
He sighed, and most of the tension left his shoulders. Cautiously, he took my hand.
"I'm sorry that Tony hurt you. You could have told me. I would have understood."
"At fourteen, and then again, at fifteen? Josh, I barely understood everything that had happened. In the space of a few months, I had married a total stranger, given birth in a small mountain cabin, and then woken from a comma in the very house I had tried to escape! I didn't want to burden you with my emotional baggage.
"All I wanted to do then was escape Farthy the very day I turned eighteen, find Heaven and Luke and be a part of their lives again."
Josh had watched my eyes during my speech, and when he spoke his voice was low and tender.
"And now?"
I pushed a few strands of hair away from my face before I said anything.
"Now, I want to be a mother to Heaven."
"What about love, Leigh?" He asked very softly. "What about finding happiness with some other man? Luke Casteel is not the only man out there."
For me, he is, I thought, but knew I would never say that. Not to Josh. And it was time now that I opened my heart to someone other than Luke…
"I think I've given up on love," I said somewhat bitterly.
"Don't do that," he said seriously. "Leigh, don't close your heart to anyone but Luke. Please, don't close your heart to me," he said very softly.
My breath caught, and my heart began to pound.
"What-what are you saying?"
"I think you know," he replied with a slow smile.
Josh drew very close to me, and pulled me to him. I looked into his eyes and saw only kindness, and a need that echoed my own.
For so long--years now--Luke had pushed me away, pushed me out of his life. If he could give up on something that could have become the best love of my--and his--life, then why should I hold onto a love that had obviously died some time ago? Why shouldn't I let myself love another man? And if that man was Josh, someone I had loved in a special way years ago, if he and I had a ghost of a chance at rekindling our old flame and making it better than it had been before--why shouldn't I take the proffered chance?
I think Josh saw something in my eyes that convinced him I would not run from him. Very carefully, he brushed my lips with his. Shivers of something I had once felt ran down my spine. I could have sworn I felt that feeling in my toes. Without my noticing it, my arms had crept around Josh's neck, and one of my hands twined in his hair. He kissed me again, and for a moment, I could not remember if there had ever been any moment more pleasant, more passionate in my life than this one.
I don't know that might have have happened next because just then the front door opened with a bang.
Jennifer ran down the steps, her eyes wide and her face flushed. Quickly, I stepped away from Josh. I sensed that whatever Jennifer had to say would not be pleasant to hear.
"Leigh, Luke just called," she announced, out of breath. "Heaven is missing!"
___________
---Author's Note---
I just wanted to clarify some things mentioned in Chapter Four.
First, Luke does still love Leigh. But as she suspected, he is afraid to love her again, afraid she'll leave again, as she did before when she "died." I didn't want readers thinking that he hates her now, or can't love her.
Luke wants to change, to be again the man he was with Leigh, but he can't. He finds it easier to run--to Shirley's Place, or just away from wherever Leigh is--than face her and work out anything.
Just wanted to clear up any confusion. It's not over for Leigh and Luke yet. Just watch out for the next few chapters. You'll be surprised by what happens!
Many changes occurred in my life over the next few months. Some were more drastic than others, but they were necessary to the success of my new life.
I transferred from Boston University to a small community college in a town an hour away from Winnerrow. The town was somewhat larger than Winnerrow, but nowhere near the size of Boston. The school had a good reputation, and an even better program in which I could earn a degree in teaching. Teaching seemed like the best career for me to go into. I wanted to give something back to the citizens of Winnerrow. Although some of them had never made me feel very welcome, plenty of others had.
Never had I felt more as if I belonged someplace than I had felt in my short time in Winnerrow. I wanted badly to reclaim that feeling…even without Luke.
My life settled into a routine. I commuted to school during the week, spent the weekends with Heaven in Winnerrow, and managed to do fairly well in college. I enjoyed my classes immensely. My teachers were intelligent and loved to spark debates in class.
I thrived in college, on learning. I made new friends. The campus was small, and everyone knew practically everyone else. And what was even better was the fact that while the other students were just that--students--I was a mother, struggling to be that mother to her child.
However, from the first moment I had spent with Heaven, Sarah had resented me. She had yet to voice her feelings, but I could see the hate smoldering in her eyes. I could see it in the way she hovered near me when I was with Heaven, so that I often took Heaven back to my apartment to spend time with her away from Sarah.
I had made an effort to befriend Sarah, but she didn't seem interested. I knew she didn't like me because Luke had still clung to my memory when he had first married her, and now I had returned to claim his attention, and she probably thought, his love again.
However, Luke had done his best to avoid me since the day he had agreed to let me be a part of Heaven's life. I had only seen him a handful of times in the last few months. Annie confided that Luke spent a lot of time wandering and a good deal of that time at Shirley's Place in Winnerrow's red-light district.
I tried not to care. After all, Luke and I weren't really married anymore. We weren't living together. We weren't in love. I had no right to inquire as to where he went and who he saw.
But it still hurt to know that he couldn't even look at me.
One on of the rare occasions he spoke to me, I asked Luke why he was avoiding me. He answered that he couldn't bear seeing me and not being able to act like my husband.
Confused, I had touched his hand as he had turned to leave again.
"Luke, you can be my husband again. We can remarry, if you want to. Technically, your marriage to Sarah isn't even legal."
He had paused then, and given me a perplexed look. Encouraged, I continued.
"You and I are still married, Luke. We were married when you thought I died. We never divorced." I kept my hand on his. "We're still husband and wife, Luke."
He shook his head, confused.
"What? Of course Sarah an' I are married. Reverend Wise married us."
"Luke, if you don't believe me, ask a lawyer. He'll tell you the same thing I have just told you."
I didn't think any more of the conversation until about two weeks later when a packet of papers arrived in my mail. I quickly opened it, and nearly lost my breath when I read what Luke had done.
…Luke Casteel has petitioned for a divorce from Leigh VanVoreen Casteel…
Luke wanted to divorce me? So he could legally marry Sarah Williams? I stood on shaky legs, intending to go tell him just what I thought of him, but then sat down just as quickly.
He must truly love Sarah if he wanted to marry her right and proper, I thought.
Or he just couldn't love me anymore…
With a heavy heart, I signed the papers where my signature was needed. This was as good as admitting defeat, I thought, like cowing down and giving up on all my hopes for Luke and I. I still loved him, but would not force him to do anything he didn't want to do…such as return my love.
A few teardrops spilled onto the paper, but I quickly brushed them away, determined that no one would know of my broken heart.
_______
Time passed with only an acknowledgment from me. Luke's divorce from me became final. Heaven turned five years old, then six, and seven. I finished my freshman, sophomore and junior years of college.
I had talked with him about it, and he had maintained that it was "best for us all" if he and I divorced. His reason was that it wasn't right for he and I to remain married but not live together, and it wasn't right for him to 'divorce' Sarah to marry me.
I didn't think his reasoning made sense at all. In fact, I thought he was just scared to love me again after believing I was dead for four years. But I wouldn't dare say anything to him about it. And I would not pine away for Luke. I would tuck my love for him away deep in my heart, and I would move on with my life. I had to.
I would make Heaven my sole purpose in the Willies, just as I had decided I would years ago. I would dedicate all my time to her.
That's exactly what I did on my summer vacation from college. In order to graduate a semester early, I was taking summer classes, but in between those extra classes and working, I spent all my free time with Heaven. I took her to Winnerrow's park and played with her there. I took her to the Winnerrow's only hotel's lobby and we ate lunches there in the "fancy" lobby, as she called it.
Slowly, my daughter had begun to trust me. She spent at least three nights each week in my apartment. We did silly things together, but spent time doing serious things, too. The best times were our "singing times." Those were when she and I would sing together. I felt close to her in those moments.
She had called me Mama the first time on June 25th, the year she was five and I even now, I couldn't remember a time I had been happier. Over the next few weeks, Heaven and I grew even closer.
It was as if the closer I got the Heaven, the farther away from us both Luke wanted to be. He was gone even more now than he had been before, and the more Luke was gone, the more Sarah resented me.
I had no idea just how much she resented me and just how far she would go to get me out of her life until a few weeks later.
_______
"I'll be back on Monday, Heaven," I said. Heaven and I were standing outside Luke's cabin, saying goodbye. I was going to visit Jennifer Longstone, my best friend from Winterhaven Academy for the weekend, and I was leaving Heaven here.
"Okay, Mama," she replied and hugged me again. I hugged her back, kissed her cheek and then stood.
"Be good," I said with a smile.
"I will. You don't have to worry about me, Mama," she said.
She smiled back at me and then I got into my car. I drove away without looking back.
If I had known what was about to happen, I wouldn't have stopped looking back.
_______
Jennifer Longstone was now Jennifer Matthews. She had married her childhood sweetheart, William Matthews. I had gone to the wedding, which had been held in Boston.
I hadn't soon forgotten my fear that somehow Momma or Tony would find out I was in Boston, so very near to Farthy. In fact, while I was at the wedding, I had seen a blonde haired woman who, from the side, looked so much like my mother that I had lost my breath. But when she turned around fully, I had immediately known she was not my mother.
The strange mix of relief and sadness I had felt then had confused me. A part of me never wanted to see Momma, Tony or Farthy again. That part hated the Bostonian attitude, the rigors of high society and the snobbery.
Another part of me longed to have my mother in my life again, but doubted if that was possible.
Jennifer didn't live in Boston anymore. She and William had moved to South Carolina two years ago. But she had friends who lived in Boston who told her about the Tattertons. Apparently, Tony's empire was still making huge profits each year, and Momma still held her social events consistently.
I had lain awake many nights sobbing for what I had lost at the age of fourteen: a mother, my father, my innocence, the life I should have had. But when I compared losing all that to gaining Heaven, the past didn't hurt as much.
Besides, if Momma hadn't ever taken the trouble to at least try to find me, she couldn't miss me very much, could she? And I wanted her to miss me. I wanted her to lay awake nights, crying as I had cried for years now, dreaming of me and all she had done to drive me away…and of all she had lost when she lost me.
But over the years, the thoughts of revenge had disappeared. I didn't want to live my life that way. I didn't want to burn every bridge I came across.
All I wanted was to be happy. I didn't think that was too much to ask, not after everything I had been through.
_______
As soon as I stepped off the plane in Greenville, South Carolina, I heard someone call out my name.
"LEIGH!" Jennifer squealed excitedly. We hadn't seen each other since her wedding to William. I was as excited as she was.
I jogged toward her and we met in the middle of the terminal. She threw her arms around me and I hugged her back. We didn't pull away for a few long moments. When we did, I took a good look at my old friend.
Jennifer looked much the same as she had when we were fourteen, and again when we were nineteen. Now that we were both twenty-one, and legal adults, I had somehow expected her to look wiser or at least older. But Jennifer had the ability to look five years younger than she really was.
Her big brown eyes sparkled with happiness and mischief, and her long, black hair was pulled up into a ponytail, which made her look even younger. Her smile was a comforting as ever.
"Jen, it's so good to see you!" I exclaimed.
Then I saw what I hadn't noticed before.
"You're pregnant?" I asked incredulously.
Jennifer nodded.
"Yes, I'm almost four months along," she replied.
I hugged her again, more cautiously this time.
"That's great news, Jen. Why didn't you tell me the last time we talked?"
"I wanted to surprise you," she said with a grin.
"Well, you succeeded!"
William walked over to us then, and put an arm around Jennifer's shoulder. He extended his hand to me, and I shook it. I had liked William from the first time we met, and he was one of the few people who knew my story.
His blue eyes shone with happiness as he greeted me.
"It's nice to see you again, Leigh."
"It's nice to see you again, too, William."
He glanced at Jennifer. The look plainly asked: Should we tell her? Jennifer nodded, and before William could speak, she bubbled over with her announcement.
"Leigh, we invited a surprise guest for the weekend. You'll never guess who it is: Joshua Bennington!" She said, before I could even think of who she would have invited.
Joshua Bennington? My childhood sweetheart, Joshua Bennington?
"Why--why would you do that?"
"Because," Jennifer trilled, "Josh is single like you are, and when I mentioned you were coming down for the weekend soon, he practically begged me to invite him."
"I'm sure he did," I replied.
Jennifer smiled coyly.
"Okay, so he didn't beg me to invite him. But he did seem interested in what you were doing and where you were. I told him you had almost finished college and were living in West Virginia, and were single, and then I decided to invite him down." She smiled at me innocently. "Josh and William have been friends since Winterhaven, and William doesn't care at all to have two guests for this weekend."
"What will we talk about? We--we don't even know each other anymore!"
Jennifer laughed.
"Well, as I remember, you and Josh were quite involved at Winterhaven."
"Jen, that was five years ago," I protested.
Joshua and I had become a couple again when I had returned from Winnerrow. I had never told him I had a little girl back in West Virginia, just that I had run away from home because I was unhappy there. He still cared for me, and we had been together throughout high school.
I had thought I was in love with him, but had broken off our relationship after we had graduated from our respective schools. I knew I had hurt him, although I had tried to end things as gracefully as I could.
I hadn't seen Joshua since I had left for Winnerrow. The one time I had seen him after graduation, he hadn't seemed bitter about our breakup. It had hurt me too, to leave him that way. But I had known even then that I had to go back to Winnerrow. Staying in Boston--and with Joshua--wasn't an option.
What would our imminent reunion be like, I wondered, as William loaded my suitcase into his car. Would Joshua and I get along? Or would we be strangers to each other?
I knew I would find out soon.
_______
I could see Joshua sitting on the front porch of William and Jennifer's two-story home as we pulled up in the driveway. My heart felt lodged in my throat as William stopped the car and we all exited it. Slowly, I moved toward where Joshua sat. As I approached, he stood.
"Hello, Leigh," he said softly. I somehow managed to respond.
"Hello, Joshua."
He hesitated, obviously wondering whether to shake my hand or hug me. Finally, I stepped forward and hugged him tentatively. After a second, he returned the hug. I caught the scent of his cologne--the same kind he had worn in high school--and felt a wave of memories sweep over me.
I realized then how much I had missed Joshua. He and I had always been good friends, and I missed our friendship even more than I had ever missed our romantic relationship.
Joshua and I drew away from each other after a long moment, but neither of us spoke. I didn't really know what to say to break the proverbial ice, and it appeared he didn't either. Luckily, Jennifer stepped in.
"Well, William and I will take Leigh's bag into the guest room and you two can catch up," she said. It was obvious William didn't need any help getting my bag inside, but at least she was trying to help.
Joshua leaned against the nearest post and looked at me. I did the same.
He had changed somewhat in the last years. He had let his black hair grow out a little longer, and his face looked stronger, more mature, but his green eyes looked as warm as ever. Seeing the familiar friendliness in his eyes loosened my tongue.
"Joshua, I know this-"
"Please," he interrupted, "call me Josh. I'm sorry I interrupted you."
I shook my head.
"That's okay. I was going to say that although I know this must be as awkward for you as it is for me, I hope that we…can be friends again."
A smile spread across Josh's face, a smile that I found myself responding.
"Of course we can be friends again, Leigh. I haven't held any hard feelings against you. I know you had your reasons for ending our relationship--but I forgave you for that a long time ago." He said, and raked a hand through his hair. "I've missed you," he added.
"I-I've missed you, too," I admitted.
That seemed to break that ice between us, and for the next half hour, Josh and I talked about where we had been and what we had done for the last few years. Like me, he had almost finished college. But where I was going into teaching, Josh wanted to be an art historian.
I almost envied him. Josh's future seemed set. He had a promising career. He had wonderful parents. Undoubtedly, he would find a fantastic wife.
Meanwhile, I was struggling to let go of Luke while finding myself unable to fall out of love with him. My daughter's stepmother hated me. I only had limited access to my daughter.
But I wouldn't trade lives with Josh, because in my own life, I had Heaven.
And she was all I needed.
Nevertheless, I knew I wouldn't mind having Josh in my life again, even as just a friend. From the way he's looking at me, I thought, that's still a possibility.
_______
From that point on, the weekend flew by. And for once, I did not think of Luke. Not when I was surrounded by friends like Jennifer, William and Josh.
At first, I did not want to admit it to myself, but as the weekend wore on into Sunday evening, I realized I had begun to feel some of my old attraction to Josh. I tried to write it off as simply mixed emotions about being around him again. But he and I had both matured over the last few years, and what I was feeling toward him now was no schoolgirl crush. It was a strong attraction.
I felt confused by what I was feeling. It was almost as if I was being unfaithful to Luke. But that was ridiculous! Luke had made it more than clear that he no longer loved me. For whatever reasons, he had fallen out of love with me. I had every right to find someone else to love. I should move on with my life.
But I knew that that would not be easy.
Josh and I spent a good amount of time talking, and exchanged addresses. He was living off-campus near Boston University. Of course, he wanted to know where I was living. When I said I was living in West Virginia, and going to college there to be near my daughter, he appeared surprised, but didn't pry for information. The fact that he did not immediately ask to know my story impelled me to tell him that story.
By the time I finished, his handsome face was red with anger.
"Gosh, Leigh, if I could, I'd go find Tony and beat him to a pulp." He slammed his fist into the palm of his other hand. "Anyone who would do all that to a young, innocent girl…."
He sighed, and most of the tension left his shoulders. Cautiously, he took my hand.
"I'm sorry that Tony hurt you. You could have told me. I would have understood."
"At fourteen, and then again, at fifteen? Josh, I barely understood everything that had happened. In the space of a few months, I had married a total stranger, given birth in a small mountain cabin, and then woken from a comma in the very house I had tried to escape! I didn't want to burden you with my emotional baggage.
"All I wanted to do then was escape Farthy the very day I turned eighteen, find Heaven and Luke and be a part of their lives again."
Josh had watched my eyes during my speech, and when he spoke his voice was low and tender.
"And now?"
I pushed a few strands of hair away from my face before I said anything.
"Now, I want to be a mother to Heaven."
"What about love, Leigh?" He asked very softly. "What about finding happiness with some other man? Luke Casteel is not the only man out there."
For me, he is, I thought, but knew I would never say that. Not to Josh. And it was time now that I opened my heart to someone other than Luke…
"I think I've given up on love," I said somewhat bitterly.
"Don't do that," he said seriously. "Leigh, don't close your heart to anyone but Luke. Please, don't close your heart to me," he said very softly.
My breath caught, and my heart began to pound.
"What-what are you saying?"
"I think you know," he replied with a slow smile.
Josh drew very close to me, and pulled me to him. I looked into his eyes and saw only kindness, and a need that echoed my own.
For so long--years now--Luke had pushed me away, pushed me out of his life. If he could give up on something that could have become the best love of my--and his--life, then why should I hold onto a love that had obviously died some time ago? Why shouldn't I let myself love another man? And if that man was Josh, someone I had loved in a special way years ago, if he and I had a ghost of a chance at rekindling our old flame and making it better than it had been before--why shouldn't I take the proffered chance?
I think Josh saw something in my eyes that convinced him I would not run from him. Very carefully, he brushed my lips with his. Shivers of something I had once felt ran down my spine. I could have sworn I felt that feeling in my toes. Without my noticing it, my arms had crept around Josh's neck, and one of my hands twined in his hair. He kissed me again, and for a moment, I could not remember if there had ever been any moment more pleasant, more passionate in my life than this one.
I don't know that might have have happened next because just then the front door opened with a bang.
Jennifer ran down the steps, her eyes wide and her face flushed. Quickly, I stepped away from Josh. I sensed that whatever Jennifer had to say would not be pleasant to hear.
"Leigh, Luke just called," she announced, out of breath. "Heaven is missing!"
___________
---Author's Note---
I just wanted to clarify some things mentioned in Chapter Four.
First, Luke does still love Leigh. But as she suspected, he is afraid to love her again, afraid she'll leave again, as she did before when she "died." I didn't want readers thinking that he hates her now, or can't love her.
Luke wants to change, to be again the man he was with Leigh, but he can't. He finds it easier to run--to Shirley's Place, or just away from wherever Leigh is--than face her and work out anything.
Just wanted to clear up any confusion. It's not over for Leigh and Luke yet. Just watch out for the next few chapters. You'll be surprised by what happens!