Date finished: 21 December 2003
Title: Journey
Series: Saiyuki
Pairing: Hakkai + Sanzo
Category: Mild angst and sap
Warning: PG-13, shounen-ai, some language.
Status: One-shot
Standard disclaimers apply. The song used is "Where Are You Going?" by Dave Matthews Band.
'—denotes thoughts—' || /—denotes emphasized words—/ || --- denotes lyrics ---
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"Journey"
by Fall
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--- Where are you going? With your long face pulling down
Don't hide away like an ocean that you can't see but you can smell
And the sound of the waves crash down ---
The moment he'd turned Jiipu back east, he knew that they were really going back.
/Back/ was going back to their lives—their ordinary lives—the ones they've been living before going on this journey. It was only natural that they went back to where they started. To pick up from where they have left it three years ago.
Their last night as a group was spent in a rather quiet manner. Although Hakkai had ordered a sumptuous feast for their dinner, the rest of his companions merely sat in solitude as they ate and drank their way through it. It was rather different from their initial reaction when Sanzo declared that their journey was finally over. Gojyo had smiled as widely as he could, and instantly went through the number of women that would welcome him in his return.
Goku, on his part, had gabbled happily about what he would like to eat the moment he and Sanzo gets back to the temple. Of course he was very sure that Sanzo would come back with him, because that was where Sanzo ought to be, where he should be.
The mentioned monk had rapped the bakazaru on the forehead with his harisen, but there was a visible smile on his features. Perhaps he too was glad to finally have the journey over.
It was the most plausible reason to say why he never noticed Hakkai's little frown of discontentment.
There was something wrong with himself, Hakkai reflected, because whereas his companions were happily immersed in a conversation while they drove back east, he felt empty. He didn't want to go back—he wasn't /glad/ to go back.
'There's nothing there for me—I have /nothing/…' There hadn't been anything to hold him back home… surely it was home then? And although three years have passed, he believed there's still nothing worth going back to.
When Goku asked for his plans once they've returned to Chou An, Hakkai merely smiled and tried to come up with a vague but satisfactory answer. However, nothing useful came to mind except the word "Well…" and for once, he really didn't know what to say.
He was quite ready to admit that he had no idea, when Gojyo suddenly said:
"Baka! Of course, Hakkai's going back with me to our house, aren't you Hakkai?"
And as Hakkai couldn't think of anything else to say, he chose to nod vaguely in reply.
**
--- Where are you going?
Where do you go? ---
Some things can be complicated when you have to deal with Sanzo.
They sat in companionable silence as they emptied one bottle after another, each lost in their own thoughts. After several bottles and an hour close to midnight, Hakkai decided it was time for them to call it a night, but Sanzo cut him off by asking:
"Where are you going?"
"Upstairs to sleep," was Hakkai's careful answer, thinking that Sanzo must have had too much to drink. It was quite obvious where he was going.
Sanzo snorted, as if Hakkai had said something foolish. "Baka. I was asking where you're heading tomorrow."
Hakkai was startled, but he said nothing. Twice in another time, he had been asked the same question. When Goku had asked him, he just smiled. He only nodded vaguely in agreement when Gojyo mentioned the same. But now that it was Sanzo who asked him, he had no idea what to do or what to say. The monk was not someone who would accept a smile or a vague nod for an answer. So Hakkai just shook his head apologetically and bade Sanzo a pleasant night.
**
--- Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars?
Well, if along the way, you are grown weary
You can rest with me until a brighter day and you're okay ---Contrary to popular belief, rainy nights are not the only instances that deprive Hakkai of the impulse to sleep.
Sanzo's words struck a chord in him. He honestly did not know where he was going, or why he should go back with Gojyo—/if/ he wanted to go back at all. He wanted to tell all that to the monk, but something held him back from doing so. Actually, he envied him a lot because Sanzo knew where he was going after their journey. Hakkai on the other hand…
'Of course, Hakkai's going back with me to our house, aren't you Hakkai?'
Gojyo's words came back to him. He remembered having nodded vaguely in an answer. That wasn't supposed to be. During that time, one part of him agreed with this arrangement, but the other half was waiting for an interruption, a disagreeing voice, a demand for Hakkai to turn down the kappa's invitation.
But none came. And so Hakkai nodded vaguely, a mixture of confusion, disappointment… and resignation.
'Of course, Hakkai's going back with me to our house…'
Three years ago, that would have held true for them. He would not have asked Hakkai because he had the assurance that Hakkai would always come back to him. But three years is a long time, and no one can say what it would bring—three years have passed and now Gojyo was not so sure anymore. Hakkai remembered the tone he had used—he wanted /reassurance/ from Hakkai himself.
'… aren't you Hakkai?'
"Am I?" He asked himself. 'Either I go back with Gojyo to something that's no longer there…' Hakkai shook his head. 'Or I move on with something that might not be there.'
Those were pessimistic thoughts. Whichever path he chooses, Hakkai knew he would face the likelihood of questions that would start with "What if…" and end with "…and not this?" For once in his unfortunate life, he wanted to make the right decision at the right time.
'Which road should I take?'
**
--- I am no Superman. I have no answers for you
I am no hero oh, that's for sure
But I do know one thing. Is where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go, is where I want to be ---
'Where…'
The only time his generic smile failed him, was when Sanzo threatened to leave him behind the next time he was reckless. There was anger and frustration in Sanzo's words, and Hakkai knew that none of his apologies would be enough to repair the misery he'd caused.
'…do I want…'
He recalled the sleepless rainy nights that slowly became peaceful, eventually ceasing to be a night when they both could not sleep.
'…to be?'
Sanzo never told him "Suki da" or anything similar, except "I'll try."
Perhaps, that was all, and all that would be—all that should be, but who knows?
"Sumimasen, Gojyo… but I'm not going back with you," he muttered, as the door opened. Hakkai had come to a decision, and he wanted to have it over and done with as soon as he could.
"I already told him that."
Hakkai was startled. He didn't expect to see Sanzo standing inside Gojyo's room—and how could Sanzo have known he'd wanted to tell Gojyo that?
"Where's Gojyo?" He asked, trying to sound casual, as if he hadn't said anything serious moments ago.
"How would I know? He left without telling me." Sanzo replied with a careless shrug.
The monk never told him anything when asked like this. Hakkai decided to change the tone of their discussion.
"I have no idea how you knew I wasn't going back with Gojyo, but you shouldn't have told him yourself." Hakkai continued.
Sanzo shrugged. "Well, since you didn't answer my question, I presumed you changed your mind about going back with Gojyo." He did not say why he told Gojyo, but since he did not ask Hakkai why he'd changed his mind, Hakkai decided to let the matter go unanswered.
"So… what did Gojyo say?"
"He said he expected something like this to happen."
And like before, he knew there was more to this than Sanzo was relating, but he didn't press the matter further and was content with the thought of asking Gojyo himself.
"I'm not going back to the temple." Sanzo suddenly announced, effectively breaking the silence that followed his previous words.
"But why?" Hakkai asked, missing the amused expression that passed across Sanzo's face in his surprise.
"There's nothing for me to go back to there."
"What about… what about Goku?"
" 'Ch. That bakazaru can take care of himself perfectly."
"But what about your duties?" Hakkai asked, adding hastily when Sanzo merely curled up his upper lip in disgust. "What about the Sutras?"
"The two I have with me, I'll keep and protect. Let the Three Aspects worry about the remaining three. And you'd better stop this barrage of nonsense, Hakkai. Years ago, I might have decided otherwise, but three years is enough to change anyone's mind," Sanzo said, fixing his amethyst eyes on him. "That means I'm never going back to the temple, period."
Sanzo knew the impact of his lengthy speech—which length was enough to amuse anyone who knew him as the stoic monk—but he was confused when Hakkai shot him a look of disbelief. Confusion gave way to irritation when he heard the brunette laugh quietly, as if there was a joke that the latter alone got the irony of.
**
--- Where are you going? Where do you go?
Where do you go? Where are you going?
Where do you go? ---
"What the hell's damn funny?" Sanzo snapped.
"Nothing," Hakkai said, as he tried to compose himself. "Nothing that would be of any interest to you."
But his emerald eyes still sparkled with mirth. Sanzo decided that the best way to turn the table was to make Hakkai confused, even for a moment.
" 'Ch, never mind. I can always ask you once we have settled down somewhere." Sanzo said curtly and started to walk in the direction of the door.
Hakkai was never one to stay rooted to his spot in surprise. He blinked once and then ran after Sanzo, grabbing him by the shoulder in an attempt to make the monk face him.
"What's with the 'we'?" Hakkai asked in a rush. If Sanzo meant what he thought he meant…
Sanzo raised an eyebrow. "Haven't I already told you that I'm not going back to that ridiculous temple?"
"That's not an explanation."
Sanzo frowned. "You know I never wanted to be a monk in the first place."
"But is that a valid reason?"
"No, but—"
"Sanzo!" Hakkai exclaimed. "Just where do you plan to go if you're not going back there? You have no place to go—well, at least, none that I know of. How do you plan to explain to the Three Aspects that you're leaving, that you're—" And he stopped rambling for a moment to think of a more effective argument. Sanzo was someone who can make hasty decisions and not regret them at all. Was he going with Hakkai because he was the only one whom Sanzo can endure traveling with?
Surely, there are other reasons other than /that/.
"Is that the only reason for it?" He finally asked.
Sanzo looked at him for a moment and considered saying something like, "Baka". Offering a disguised apology was his second option. Ignoring Hakkai completely was the third, but this he could not bring himself to do so.
"Hakkai," Sanzo sighed in defeat. "You know I'm not used to this type of conversation."
"No, you are quite used to this. You have been new to it years ago, but you gradually adjusted." Hakkai said. "Just answer me for once. I have to know /exactly/ why you are going with me, where—"
Sanzo silenced him with his finger on Hakkai's lips. "Urusee. You never run out of things to say," he chided.
**
--- Where are you going? Where do you go?
Tell me, where are you going? Where?
Well, let's go ---
Hakkai had spent the rest of the night trying to talk some sense into Sanzo's mind, eventually falling asleep in the process.
He was prodded awake by Goku, and was promptly informed that Sanzo was downstairs waiting for him.
"Goku…" Was all Hakkai managed to say.
"Hey, don't look at me like I'm some idiot!" Goku frowned. "Gojyo says I'm slow, but I know better than him that there was something between you and Sanzo!"
Hakkai overlooked this little piece of insight on Goku's part. "But I thought you were expecting Sanzo to come home with you to Chou An?"
"I was…" Goku admitted, letting some of his disappointment show. "But that's okay. I never really liked that place after all."
"But where—" Hakkai started to ask, when Gojyo suddenly entered the room.
"Oi Hakkai. What's taking you so long? Sanzo-sama's getting impatient down there."
"Gojyo—"
"Look. Everything's said and done. Let's just all go down there before Sanzo-sama thinks otherwise and drives off alone with Jiipu." Gojyo said. "At least the bill's already paid."
"I don't understand all of this," Hakkai muttered. When he caught sight of the blond monk sitting in the front seat, Sanzo was looking as impatient as if the three had made him wait for a full day there. Hakkai refused to get into Jiipu until he knew what was going on.
"First, I don't know why you're going with me. Second, I don't even know where we are going. Now third, I don't know what's happening with the three of you."
"Hakkai, see, it's like this—" Goku tried to explain, but was promptly extinguished by Gojyo in mid-sentence.
"Shut-up, bakazaru!" Gojyo hissed. "Call us back when you've finished discussing your future!" He called out to Hakkai. He and Goku disappeared back into the inn.
"Sanzo?" Hakkai persisted.
"To shut you up: first, you know why I'm going with you. Second, I too have no idea where we're heading. Third, Gojyo and Goku decided to come with us." Sanzo finally replied.
"I thought they were going back to their old lives…" Hakkai trailed off.
"You thought wrong." Sanzo promptly said. It was evident that he didn't like this arrangement, but there was a little smile hovering over his features. "I don't know why, but somehow, someway, I said yes to those idiots."
It was funny, the way Sanzo said it, but Hakkai didn't laugh. He remained silent and only spoke when he said he would get Gojyo and Goku. Sanzo watched him in silence, wondering if he should not have said, "yes" at all.
When Hakkai came back with the two, Sanzo was ready to yell at them to leave him and Hakkai alone for once—and for good. But no words came out.
Hakkai saw the dismay in Sanzo's eyes. "It's okay," he said quietly. After all, Hakkai reflected, he was used to having the others around. Life wouldn't be the same if they parted ways so soon. That and the prospect of Gojyo and Goku marrying off some girl in the future and settling somewhere far on their own, made everything okay.
'But we still don't know where we're going…' Hakkai stubbornly maintained, as he climbed the driver's seat of Jiipu. That thought bothered him until he looked at the pair of amethyst eyes watching him carefully. What he saw was enough to convince him that they were heading for a definite direction… /together/.
Hakkai smiled at Sanzo.
"Let's go."
—The End—
**
A/N: It seems I am getting the hang of writing subtle shounen-ai with sappy endings. -_-0 Nevertheless, angst is still my favorite theme, and I will continue to write them as long as the plot kitty supplies me with pot, I mean plots.
Review comments and constructive criticisms are welcome.