Author's Notes: I know that I've been away from fan fiction writing for quite some time…I'm sorry for that. I wasn't sure and maybe I'm still not very sure were I'm going with any of my unfinished works (since I have so damn many…ugh, I am bursting with ideas). Whatever…I'm babbling for no reason. Here's something to satisfy the appetite for Law & Order: CI stories.
[Note: I wrote this…two weeks ago but I didn't have the time to type it up.]
My Decision
By CJSpooks
[An aside/companion piece,] "The Light in the Darkness"
Summary: Set right after the episode, "F.P.S.". After the case had hit close to his reality, Goren reflects on his partnership to the absent Eames, who is still on pregnancy leave.
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Goren unlocked the door to his apartment. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He knew that he needed to call Eames. She had taken the courtesy to text him about the baby probably right after she had given birth or at least when the drugs had first worn off. Goren nodded to himself and sat down on his couch. He reached into his pocket to extract his cell phone. He was about to punch Eames's speed dial number into the phone when he suddenly decided against it. He knew it was cowardly to be afraid of Eames, since they had been through so much together in their almost three year partnership together at the Major Case Squad. He opened up his zippered binder and pulled out a piece of paper instead. He thought that planning out what he was going to say on paper would be better on his nerves than just conjuring up the words on the spot.
Around Eames, he had always felt safer and more confident…but on the phone, he felt different. He wanted and could tell her everything about his recent cases but it definitely wasn't the same than seeing her in person and having her reactions in visual. Before he knew it, Goren started writing a full blown letter to his partner.
Eames,
This last case that I had just solved with Bishop certainly struck a chord inside me. I could easily comprehend and analyze the pathology of this criminal, mostly because it mirrored my own in a way. The suspect's name was Neill. He said, "You bastard, I was only looking out for us.". This was completely aimed with great anguish at his partner, for whom he had killed someone for to try and save their bond. I somewhat understood the feeling. Neill had looked me up on the internet and played me just as horribly as Hitchens or anyone else has in my life. They seem to be all the same. They played that certain card that always disarmed me fully…my father, the deadbeat. After realizing the play, I was angry at you for not being there to console me. Bishop, of course, did not know what I was referring to at first. She thought I was just spitting out gibberish and random names from the past.
I felt very helpless and lost. But that feeling, and you have helped me solve the case. I know you must be shaking your head that you, being away for so long had helped me actually solve a case but let me tell you, it is the truth. If it weren't for you and the feelings I was experiencing, I wouldn't have ever figured it out and probably would have let Neill play me until I snapped.
Don't get me wrong at all, I know it was a hard decision to temporarily leave work to be a surrogate mother…but I kind of resented you for your own kindness and sacrifice. I felt that you had abandoned me. I missed you every since day you were gone. It tore me up inside to go on cases without you there. I loved bouncing ideas off of you and hearing your suggestions. I only trusted you in this world, I really did. Everyone else never seemed to understand me in the way you do. They always saw me as an intimidating, mysterious force. Because of this, I always held your opinion higher than anyone's…even higher than my own. As you can gather, I did not warm up to Bishop much, she coldly worked side by side with me in your absence.
I felt that void left by your electric personality. I didn't feel like I could do the job without you. You had always been the light in my darkness. You kept me sane, on the right side of the line. You prevented my self-destruction many times. I owe you for that. You never tried to discourage me, you always complemented me in every way. It was the perfect partnership. I never could express it because I was shy and afraid to. Solving crimes and analyzing a variety of pathologies is my sanctuary…you are a major part of it.
You deserve the whole world and I almost certainly can't give it to you. They say saving world is a lonely job meant only for the strongest of will, heart, and soul. You are all of these and you bring out the best in me always. I just don't want to do this alone…I can never imagine to, either.
Goren
After Goren had signed the letter at the bottom, he got up and picked up his phone again. Shaking his head, he crumpled up the letter but thought better of throwing it out. He smoothed it out and reached his hand into his pocket once again, taking out a lighter that he had bought a while back on a previous case. He held the letter out in front of him and proceeded to burn it. Goren smiled as it disappeared into ashes. The fire had given him some much needed confidence, as it seemed to wash his worries away. He then grabbed his coat and went back into the rain to see Eames in person, which he decided to be much better than to call her or write a letter.
The End
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