What If LOTR Went Horribly Wrong?
Chapter 2: It Gets Worse
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue, down with Care Bears.
River Anduin- 1:45 PM
Aragorn: Ok, we're at the river. Let's all jump in, float around, and
generally forget we're supposed to be noble heroes!
Pippin: But we did that in Moria!
Legolas: Yeah, but I never got a chance to derail myself!
Gimli: Uh-um- (fingers Galadriel's hair) I shall never call anything fair
again unless it
be. . .oh, what was it? Herman Schmidt? No, no. . .her gift? Yes, that's
it. Her gift!
Boromir: Dude, you were supposed to say that last chapter!
Some Giant: Fe, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!
Aragorn: Wrong story. I believe you are looking for the Idiots Convention?
Giant: Whatever.
---------Later--------
Sam: AAAARGH!
Frodo: What?
Sam: A LOG WITH EYES!!!
Aragorn: What? OH NO! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!
Sam: Is he even in this scene?
Frodo: No. Go away Strider.
Much later-
Boromir: Paddle! Paddle! Oh, wait! That doesn't SOUND RIGHT!
Legolas: YRCH!
Gimli: Orcs!
Aragorn: No, it's worse! It's THE CARE BEARS! NOOO!
Wish Bear: Who needs a Care Bear hug?
Aragorn: AAAH! NOOOO! NOT HAPPY!
Legolas: Dude, stop with the capital letters already! It's totally messing
up the page!
Hugs Bear (I don't know their names. I'm just making it up as I go along.):
Hahahaha! Hugs! (hugs Aragorn)
Frodo: STRIDER!
Gimli: NOOOO!
Aragorn: AAARGH!
Ecstasy Bear: Whee! Up with happy, down with Sauron!
Legolas: Hey, these guys hate Sauron, too!
(Saruman appears)
Saruman: Come, my minions! Don't waste your time! You should be helping me
take over the world!
(All the Care Bears disappear)
Aragorn: Okaaay.
Amon Hen- 12:49 PM
Boromir: Come on Halfling. Gimme the Ring.
Frodo: No.
Boromir: Yes.
Frodo: No.
Boromir: Yes.
Frodo: Yes.
Boromir: No.
Frodo: Ha. You said no. Go away.
Boromir: But I will use the Ring only for good!
Frodo: No you won't, liar. Now go get killed.
Boromir: Maybe I will! Hmph!
Later-
Gimli: Where is Boromir?
(Horn blows)
Aragorn: Boromir's horn!
Legolas: We must go find him! Eventually!
(2 hours pass)
Aragorn: Ok, let's go.
(they reach Boromir)
Gimli: He's DEAD?!?
Aragorn: Oh well.
Legolas: He was uglier than me anyways. So we must now sing a song that
we're making up off the top of our heads!
Aragorn: Ooh, goodie!
Through Rohan over fen and field where the long grass grows
The West Wind comes waking, and up your nose it goes- haha!
What news from the west, o wandering wind, do you bring to me tonight?
Have you seen Boromir the Futile by moon or by starlight?"
(He continues singing sappily)
Legolas: From the mouths of the Sea the South Wind flies, from the
sandhills and the stones;
The sniveling of the tourists it bears and at the gate it moans.
"What news from the South, o day-tripper lure, do you bring to me at eve?
Where now is Boromir the Truly Unsightly? He tarries and I grieve."
(He also goes on)
Aragorn: From the gate of the Kings the North Wind rides, and past the
Brainless Falls,
And clear and cold about the tower its deafeningly loud horn calls.
"What news from the north, o dim-witted wind, do you bring to me today?
What news of Boromir the Coward, for he is long away.
(they keep singing)
Aragorn: Ok, that was a good 5 minutes. Let's go.
END
Well, did you like it? I sure had fun writing it, tell me what you think!
Bye for now,
Penguin Girl
Chapter 2: It Gets Worse
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue, down with Care Bears.
River Anduin- 1:45 PM
Aragorn: Ok, we're at the river. Let's all jump in, float around, and
generally forget we're supposed to be noble heroes!
Pippin: But we did that in Moria!
Legolas: Yeah, but I never got a chance to derail myself!
Gimli: Uh-um- (fingers Galadriel's hair) I shall never call anything fair
again unless it
be. . .oh, what was it? Herman Schmidt? No, no. . .her gift? Yes, that's
it. Her gift!
Boromir: Dude, you were supposed to say that last chapter!
Some Giant: Fe, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!
Aragorn: Wrong story. I believe you are looking for the Idiots Convention?
Giant: Whatever.
---------Later--------
Sam: AAAARGH!
Frodo: What?
Sam: A LOG WITH EYES!!!
Aragorn: What? OH NO! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!
Sam: Is he even in this scene?
Frodo: No. Go away Strider.
Much later-
Boromir: Paddle! Paddle! Oh, wait! That doesn't SOUND RIGHT!
Legolas: YRCH!
Gimli: Orcs!
Aragorn: No, it's worse! It's THE CARE BEARS! NOOO!
Wish Bear: Who needs a Care Bear hug?
Aragorn: AAAH! NOOOO! NOT HAPPY!
Legolas: Dude, stop with the capital letters already! It's totally messing
up the page!
Hugs Bear (I don't know their names. I'm just making it up as I go along.):
Hahahaha! Hugs! (hugs Aragorn)
Frodo: STRIDER!
Gimli: NOOOO!
Aragorn: AAARGH!
Ecstasy Bear: Whee! Up with happy, down with Sauron!
Legolas: Hey, these guys hate Sauron, too!
(Saruman appears)
Saruman: Come, my minions! Don't waste your time! You should be helping me
take over the world!
(All the Care Bears disappear)
Aragorn: Okaaay.
Amon Hen- 12:49 PM
Boromir: Come on Halfling. Gimme the Ring.
Frodo: No.
Boromir: Yes.
Frodo: No.
Boromir: Yes.
Frodo: Yes.
Boromir: No.
Frodo: Ha. You said no. Go away.
Boromir: But I will use the Ring only for good!
Frodo: No you won't, liar. Now go get killed.
Boromir: Maybe I will! Hmph!
Later-
Gimli: Where is Boromir?
(Horn blows)
Aragorn: Boromir's horn!
Legolas: We must go find him! Eventually!
(2 hours pass)
Aragorn: Ok, let's go.
(they reach Boromir)
Gimli: He's DEAD?!?
Aragorn: Oh well.
Legolas: He was uglier than me anyways. So we must now sing a song that
we're making up off the top of our heads!
Aragorn: Ooh, goodie!
Through Rohan over fen and field where the long grass grows
The West Wind comes waking, and up your nose it goes- haha!
What news from the west, o wandering wind, do you bring to me tonight?
Have you seen Boromir the Futile by moon or by starlight?"
(He continues singing sappily)
Legolas: From the mouths of the Sea the South Wind flies, from the
sandhills and the stones;
The sniveling of the tourists it bears and at the gate it moans.
"What news from the South, o day-tripper lure, do you bring to me at eve?
Where now is Boromir the Truly Unsightly? He tarries and I grieve."
(He also goes on)
Aragorn: From the gate of the Kings the North Wind rides, and past the
Brainless Falls,
And clear and cold about the tower its deafeningly loud horn calls.
"What news from the north, o dim-witted wind, do you bring to me today?
What news of Boromir the Coward, for he is long away.
(they keep singing)
Aragorn: Ok, that was a good 5 minutes. Let's go.
END
Well, did you like it? I sure had fun writing it, tell me what you think!
Bye for now,
Penguin Girl