Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death
Chapter 3: Pretending to be alive
On most days I feel that if I'm not saying something no one will, and that if I don't smile my life will end. To tell you the truth this is how I always use to be, but you know what? I discovered something about myself, something hidden deep within these amethyst colored eyes of mine, the supposed door to my soul. I don't think anybody besides me would be able to see what I saw, it was total and complete emptiness...nothing, but a hollow soul. I went to those stupid therapy sessions, said everything I had kept to myself since the third grade. Children tend to do that a lot...keeps secrets because they feel that if their mother or father don't approve of what they're trying to hide, then they won't love them anymore. It's that fear that keeps everyone from being honest to one another, it's that fear that keeps me from being completely honest to myself, it's that fear that makes me cling to the only person I thought I could trust in to protect me from everything around me.
Monday was a pretty good day when it started I got up like always, got a ride from Wufei and his wife. Yes I said wife evidently he got married young, like at the age of fourteen, and it was an arranged marriage. He said it had something to do with tradition and upholding the family name, more or less just a bunch of formality. In a way I envy him, since Meilan and he are actually happy with the way it turned out. They love each other more than anything and I want the same thing they have; only I want it with Heero. Who by chance was the person who ruined my perfect day. Even my home life couldn't make me feel bad. I think the sessions I have with Trowa....apparently that's Dr. Barton's first name, which he wants me to call him by even though it's a bit unprofessional. He said that I didn't have to call him by his first name if I didn't want to, it's just that he doesn't care for being called by a title rather than his name.
The only thing I wanted now was Heero to come back and say it was all just a cruel joke a very very cruel joke. And if he did this wasn't going to be the kind of joke that you could look back on and laugh at. It was the kind to make you doubt all the trust you once put in this person. I can't help but think that God hates me, for what I'm not sure. Maybe in some way I lost faith in Him on my way to becoming who I am and now I'm being punished for it.
Flash back
The bell for lunch had just rung and the massive wave of teenagers seem to overflow the compact halls that are set to create the easy flowing currents of bodies. So that one could reach their lockers with ease and just as quickly wash away with friends to the nearest clearing to bask in the sun and eat. Gossip was constantly the bass of the school rhythm, drifting along the smooth wind so calm like music to ones ears, but still unable to comprehend the notes properly in order to transfer the intricate tones right.
In other words rumors spread fast and not one is forgotten so easily. I was walking with Heero since we both had the same class before lunch, it was strange though, and during class he hardly even spoke to me. Me not being entirely sure of what was going on through his mind at the moment decided it was best not to mention it till we were outside. So now here I was sitting next to Heero, not talking and it's completely overwhelming. Doing the first thing that came to mind I voiced the question that had been digging a trench in the back of my skull for an hour now.
"Heero are you mad at me?"
"...." why can't he just say yes or no?
"Heero....what did I do to make you upset?" I hate it when he stops talking to me; the last time he didn't talk to me was because I didn't tell him what was bothering me. How could someone get mad over something like that?
"Duo why couldn't you tell me? Why didn't you say anything?" I could see Heero clenching his fists in his lap.
"I didn't think it would matter." obviously I was wrong.
"Duo do you know how scared I was when I found out that you tried to....." he can't even bring himself to say it.
"Kill myself?" might as well help.
"Yeah.....I couldn't figure out what would make you feel like there was no other way out except death."
"Heero it wasn't a way out.....more like a well thought out plan that backfired."
"What the hell is that suppose to mean!"
"Look I had my reasons for doing what I did and I don't have to explain them to you!"
"Why the hell not we're in a relationship damnit we're suppose to tell each other our fears and faults! Not put on a fucking smile and act like every things alright then try to kill yourself!!" suddenly out of no where there's a crowed and I know this one is defiantly going to be the talk of the school for a long time. I really don't want to give them more to talk about, but we're both so caught up in yelling I don't think either of us could calm down anytime soon.
"I did what I did because I thought it would help not hurt people!"
"Who the hell was it going to help? Defiantly not your mother, brothers, and sisters. What good would it do anyone if you weren't there helping them!"
"I'm just wasting more money than I am bringing in, now tell me Heero how much that's helping my family staying alive, how is that putting food on the table damnit!! I don't want to talk about this here...."
"We're not talking we're yelling or at least we were."
"Heero just leave things alone."
"I can't."
"Well you're gonna have to!"
"I'm not just going to stand by and watch you hurt yourself, I can't."
"I'm not hurting Heero I..."
"Yes, you are and if you're not going to let me help than I can't be by your side anymore."
"What are you sa-"
"I'm sorry Duo, but this is goodbye." he whispered it into my ear as he slowly brushed the bangs off my face, we only locked eyes for a brief second then he walked off.
"....ah Heero you can't, I mean you said, but ah why?" I was too much in shock to believe that he had just done what he did, but it did happen. Slowly I sunk deeper into that hole of mine that I created years ago and convulsed into a fit of sobs in front of everyone. After that all anyone could hear were incoherent words and babble of how terrible I was.
End Flash back
Now here I am covered in blankets curled into a small ball hugging a pillow like it was my only source of life support. While I wait for someone to take me home and then to Trowa's office building all I can do is play that scene over in my head like a bad horror movie that won't end.
"Mr. Maxwell your ride is here." I turn over on the small bed and pull the covers off my face and meet with Wufei's dark obsidian colored eyes and I think that he finally sees the emptiness that is me.
"Thanks Wu." I say as we get into his Geo.
"Duo I don't know exactly what's going on anymore with you. First you try to commit suicide and now your getting into fights at school." he says all this while staring straight and driving.
"I didn't get into a fight, just a verbal one that's all."
"That's my point exactly."
"Look I understand you were worried."
"I wasn't the only one who was worried Duo so was Meilan, your mother, your family, and Heero. Did you even think about all the people you would hurt in the process of what almost happened, of all the people who care about you Duo?" Wufei's too insightful for his own good.
"No.." I never did think about it while I was doing it, all I was concerned with at the moment was.....money.
But to walk abruptly way from this world would case more pain then the day I came.
A/N: Good, ne?