Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death
Chapter 7: Captivating God
I couldn't help but wonder that maybe if I held on to him a bit longer he'd feel how fast my heart was racing. This was the kind of comfort I had been waiting, longing, hoping for all my life. Insecure yet strong at the same time, I was with someone who in my opinion needed exactly what I needed....another soul like my own to console him. This man, this person, this human contact is all I need. Trowa, what am I suppose to do when my desire for a familiar likeness of my own is what I seek? There is no way I can forget this feeling, when all I want is more of it this heat consuming me inch by inch...for the remainder of my lifespan. Trowa I don't think you ever noticed that in the time we have spent with each other......I fell in love with you. Who couldn't? It'd be hard not to he has such a soothing voice, a clam exterior, such warm eyes, and the most comforting arms.
"Trowa do you think it would be alright if I could sleep in your bed with you tonight?" I sound so damn insecure, it scares me.
"Of course, but tomorrow I think it would be best if I took you back to your mother she's probably worried sick." I doubt that, as much she loves me she'd just love to get me out of that house.
"Thanks Trowa." I don't want whatever bad dream that might be plaguing me tonight to scare me like it did when I was out on the streets.
We sat like that, him holding me for a few seconds longer. Then finally he let his arms slowly slip from its soft hold around me. For some reason I can't help but wonder if his lips are as soft as I think they are, if his skin is as smooth to the touch as I hope it would be. The door to Trowa's bedroom was large and had beautiful carvings of angels and ivy all around the edges. When he opened the door to his room the first thing that popped into my mind was that this was a gorgeous yet simple room at the same time. It seemed to glow like a tanish-gold; the blankets were the same color as well as the curtains and rug that was laid down on the nicely polished wooden floor. The old lamps seemed to also add to that effect as they just sat one on either side of the bed brightening the dim room.
"Nice." it sort of makes me want to do the whole therapy thing if I could live like this and afford nice things.
"Thanks, got most of it from the flea-market." I could never see this guy going to a flea-market. Those places are usually filled with a bunch of people who don't even speak English most either speak Spanish and some kind of Asian language I can't even begin to understand.
"Really?"
"Yes well I'm sort of a cheap guy at times." he pulls the blankets out from the tucked position they are in beneath the mattress so that we can get under them.
"You learn something new everyday."
"Yeah like nostalgia isn't always a good thing."
"What do you mean?" we both crawl underneath the lush sheets and comforters. He turns off the lights by clapping his hands twice, while he answers me at the same time.
"As much as I love to remember things, locking away bad memories seems to help me cope with my life at times when I need to the most. No offense to you or any of the other people I've spoken with at my office, but listening to other peoples sorrows makes me realize that life seems to be so hopeless and serves no real point." Trowa probably only thinks of me as just another patient. I'm nothing special I have nothing to offer him except more depressing thoughts and I can't seem to make up my mind at times when I need to the most.
"Life is pointless, I figured that one out a long time ago that there's honestly no real reason to go on living. As I see it you spend half of your life at school studying trying to make something of yourself and get ready for the real world. Only once you reach this real world you then spend the rest of your meaningless life working, not really accomplishing anything other than managing to raise your stress level and blood pressure. It's all so damn pointless, if you realize how dull life truly is you'll eventually come to your senses and just-"
"Duo I've always wondered why you did what you did, but I think I'm starting to realize that you lost faith in this world and your life a long time ago."
"You don't know how true that is." I spent most of my life striving to make life better for my family and at the same time tried to have a life of my own without causing any disturbance in my mothers' sanity. It was hard enough on her when Dad left to go buy milk and never came back and I know it doesn't take that long to go buy one gallon of milk. My memory of the father I once knew is vague; I remember he was tall and that he had blue eyes and dark-brown hair and looked like he had muscles. I don't really like to think of him as my father more like the man who got my mother pregnant just so that his family name could live on. Oh yes, I can just see it now there I am walking down the street in some random town and I go to buy something or get pulled over and someone wants to see my I.D. card. The person looks at it looks back at me and back at the card then asks if I'm actually related to some guy named Jake Maxwell the third and I say yes and I end up having to pay for some sort of damage that was done because of him. Actually I don't know my fathers first name, Mother never calls him by his first name and I've never seen any cards or anything with his name written on it. So I just thought I could make up a nice first name for the man, even though I'd rather pretend he never existed in the first place. Once in a while I'd like to think that he's out there somewhere wondering about the family he left behind and why he did in the first place. Maybe he'd think that what he did was wrong and is trying to find a way back home to us right now. But in the end I know it's all so damn childish to think that he'd ever come back now.
"So what made you think the way you do?"
"Life made me think this way...." plain and simple, all life ever did for me was bring heart ache and pain. Suffering was also something life just loved to throw my way; I like to think that since the day we are born we are dying. At first we start off healthy, but as the years progresses times starts to take its toll, we start to become sick more often, our heart seems to be beating irregularly and the strength that we once had is gone.
"It's not necessarily life that makes people think this way, but what we've experienced in what little time we've spent is what changes us and alters our thoughts."
"Trowa what's the worst thing to ever happen to you?" I'm guessing the death of his friend; I probably shouldn't even have asked him.
"......" now I know I shouldn't have asked him that question.
"I'm sorry."
"No don't be, I just find it hard saying it, but it would have to be the loss of my best friend. What about you? What's the worst thing that happened to you?"
I could go on forever with all the bad things that have happened to me, but to choose the worst I find it hard to pick. I could say my father leaving would be the worst thing ever, but I could also say my getting raped was the worst thing, Heero breaking up with me, my failure of committing suicide, or maybe my not being able to provide a better life for my brothers and sisters.
"Losing my innocence....." not my virginity, but I'd rather live life ignorant rather than knowing about and being involved in all the bad things.
"I think it's getting late let's just get some sleep now." I close my eyes and hope for a good dream tonight.
The night.....always so cold, so overwhelming, I often find myself grabbing at things in my sleep. Things I see in my dreams, pieces of what I use to be my soul. If anything it's usually me I'm trying to grab, there I am I always see myself walking and no matter how fast I run I can never catch up to myself. Somehow I always lose myself, I can't stand the night.
Trowa woke up only to find my arms and legs wrapped around him; it's a bad habit of mine. I was awake before he was so when he slowly started to ease out of my hold on him I felt hurt. He thought I was asleep, just because I have my eyes closed doesn't mean I'm still off in my mind in a world that doesn't exist!
"Just because you think you're more believable in the skepticism of your own mind, doesn't mean you have to ignore what your heart tells you to believe in." what was that? Does Trowa always say things to people when he thinks they're asleep?
Eventually I got up neither of us said a thing about my limbs being wrapped around his form. Trowa was cooking Mickey Mouse shaped waffles the syrup was in this red container shaped like an older women in a dress with an apron on and a handkerchief tied around her head to keep her hair out of the way and arms crossed in front of her, not in front of her chest, but sort of like resting on her lap even though she was standing up. I sat down and ate what was given to me to eat. It was kind of creepy, when I pushed open the container to pour the syrup, the ladies head came up by the neck.
After we finished eating we took our showers-he let me borrow his clothes again- and went outside to his car. His car is black, I'm actually not sure what the name of the company that even makes it, it's not important anyways. I get inside once he unlocks the door.....I have never sat in anything as comfy as the seat I'm sitting in right now. The car looks completely spotless and looks like he never uses it. We drove for a while in silence; I guess Trowa got a bit uneasy with it so he turned on the radio.
I convinced Trowa to go to the local park first instead of going straight to my house. This was my last attempt to prolong my going back home to that life I honestly wanted no part of now. We sat on a bench for a while and just watched all the little happy children play and wave at their parents who in turned waved back at them. I envy all these kids, never once had my mother ever taken me or my siblings to the park. To me I think that these people will never know what it's like to live life the way I have. Do these people even know what it feels like to be neglected?
"Hey Trowa?"
"What is it Duo?"
"Will you push me on the swings?" I could care less if I looked like a fool I just wanted to know what it was like being up in the air, one step closer to God.
"Sure Duo." I'm surprised he even agreed I know it's going to look weird, the two of us. I know that I'm making up my own little would now, here I am pretending in my own heart and mind that Trowa and I are.....together.
I got on the swing and Trowa slowly started to let the swing sway forward and backwards. Each time I came back towards Trowa he would push just a little bit harder, but not enough to knock me off the swing. This is what I wanted; this is what I always dreamed up when I was young. The sweet smell of freshly cut grass in the air and someone who actually cared sharing this moment with me. I knew this wasn't going to last forever so I wanted to make the best of it all while I still could.
"We should probably get going now we've already spent an hour here."
"Really it doesn't seem like an hour passed by." my moments of fun are gone now.
Here we were it wasn't a long drive, but I wish it was. I didn't want to be here not at home, but sooner or later I was going to have to come back. I know I shouldn't do what I'm about to do, but if I don't do it now I may lose all the courage that I worked so hard since last night to gather. So with the last of my self-esteem left I did it. I closed my eyes wrapped my arms around his shoulders so I could hug him then grazed my check against his and let my lips lightly touch his hoping he wouldn't push me away. I opened my eyes and saw that Trowa had also closed his eyes, but then he opened them and looked so confused. Quickly I got out of the car and thanked Trowa for letting me stay the night at his house and for making me breakfast and also for letting me share his bed. It was time to face the reality I had tried so hard to avoid; I walked up to the front door and knocked. I know that only strangers knock, but being here felt so foreign to me now. After months of wondering the streets in hopes of finding the answer that never wanted to be found I finally wanted to do this. The door opened.
"Hi mom."
Life's too short to spend it being depressed; I should have learned that a long time ago.
A/N: This one's actually more than three pages long. Anyone willing to review?
::looks around and blinks twice::
That's ok thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far!
Sev-chan out