Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this story except for the particular plot I put in here. Kenshin is owned by Watsuki-sensei and the song is the amazing creation of Staind.
Author's Notes: Okay. I think I write a few TOO MANY songfics with songs by Staind. I've done one off of the Dysfunction CD (Home), one from Break the Cycle (Epiphany) and now this one from 14 Shades of Grey. This is the 2nd idea I've gotten for a fic in the last hour, and the first one I wrote. This song is called 'Zoe Jane', and it's by Staind. I'm touching on a subject I've never written before, so I hope this turns out good!
Weakness
'Well I want you to notice
To notice when I'm not around
And I know that your eyes see straight through me
And speak to me without a sound'
Hanging his head, I watch father's eyes. He seemed so distant--- he'd only just now come home from the police station. I'm still not certain why he was called there, but it must have been urgent. Father was always strict and sometimes scary, but I've never seen his this vulnerable. Except for that one time, after mother died, that I saw him crying while holding her kimono, but that was it. He never showed any form of weakness, yet now he seemed like he was going to break.
I knew he was always that way because he wasn't sure how to bring me up--- without a mother, how was I supposed to learn to cook and sew? So he settled for making me the assistant master of the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. He had to be strict with me because of the training--- an assistant master couldn't be weak. And he could frighten me from time to time with how strict he was. But, there were those moments when he stopped and was the down to earth man he was before mother died.
But what's on his mind now? I can't tell.
"Father?"
I watch him look up. "You're going to be taking for the school for a while, Kaoru-chan. I expect you to keep its standards up, and teach the students frivolously. Don't show any weakness to them."
I nodded, but still confused. Why was I taking over the school for a while? I still didn't even know the final technique to the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. How was I supposed to teach a class full of boys, who thought I was dirt under their feet, if I didn't even know the final secret?
"I'm sorry father, I don't understand."
"I've been called to war, Kaoru-chan. I'm leaving in the morning."
My heart stopped. Father was leaving me? First mother, and now father? I felt the tears come to my eyes. I wasn't supposed to cry, I knew that, but I couldn't help it. Father was leaving me here, all alone.
'I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
And I want to show you
To show you all of the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter'
I'm sorry I hurt you like this, Kaoru-chan. But you have to understand; I have no choice in this matter. I've tried to be a good father to you, and I know I've failed so far. But I just wasn't sure how to bring up a daughter. Your mother died so suddenly, and you were so young. I knew nothing of the way to bring up a daughter in feminine ways, and I also didn't know how to protect you from the pain I felt.
There is so much you missed out on, my Kaoru-chan, because of me. I wish I could have shown you all the things in life that could bring light to the darkest days, but all that was stripped the day your mother died. And now, when you're merely sixteen, I have to leave you. I hope you can forgive me, for I have no choice. I'm doing to this to ensure that all the things life has for you can come to you safely and not be stripped from your innocent, gentle and strong hands.
And even as I prepare to leave, I will love you. Kaoru-chan, I won't forget you, and I will try my hardest to come back. I'm using the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu to the highest extent it can be used, and protecting more than just you. I'm protecting a nation now. I hope my attempts at raising you haven't left you with the feeling that I don't care about you, Kaoru-chan, because you mean more to me than anything in this world. You're all I have left in this dark abyss of life, and you look so much like your mother.
You should have been raised to be a proper lady, like your mother, but I had no clue how to do that. I think you grew up to be quite lovely anyway, just stronger and more aggressive. These are skills you will need, Kaoru-chan, in my departure. There will be no one here to protect you from daily threats you'll come in contact with, and I pray you'll forgive me for that.
I can hear your sobs through the door. I know this upsets you, but you must try to understand, you must try to be strong. I'm not chastising you for your tears this time, for they have a reason to flow.
Forgive me Kaoru-chan, for I will leave before you wake.
'When I walked out this morning
I cried as I walked out the door
I cried about how long I'd be away for
I cried about leaving you all alone'
I was always strict, and I was always strong. I was that way to protect you, Kaoru-chan, from the weakness your father really had. But leaving this place today did nothing to help with that.
I cried, because I was leaving behind all I had left. The school, my students. But most importantly, I was leaving behind you. I cried, silently, and I let my tears flow, knowing they were the only thing that would bring me comfort now. I would no longer have your smile or your vivacious attitude to bring light to the darker days of my life. I have my memories, but it's not the same. You as my daughter were the light of my life, and now, I leave you here in hopes that you will be safer.
Now I feel worse, and I let my tears mount. I did not tell you how long I'd be gone, for I do not know myself. I could be quite long, Kaoru-chan, and I will miss you immensely. I hope you get along all right without me.
Regret is something I hoped I wouldn't feel. But leaving you alone like this, and knowing how you are, only makes things worse. I know you feel abandoned now, and you're going to be lonely. You have no one now, just yourself. Please try to reach out to other people while I am gone, Kaoru-chan. Someone is bound to understand you and care about you, maybe even love you. You're growing up, and without me here I won't be able to scare away the suitors that are bound to come as you grow into your beauty. Be wise and accept, don't live your life as a shadow.
Kaoru-chan, now, I depart.
'I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
And I want to show you
To show you all of the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter'
I found father's letter this morning, lying under my door. He left without saying a formal goodbye to my face. He had to write it on paper. I can't blame him, for with a daughter like me, how could he want to see me face to face to say goodbye? He doesn't like weakness, and crying is a sign of extreme weakness, only to be seen in the most extreme of moments.
He didn't even sign his letter with an 'I love you'. He simply said he left and that he'd be back, when he could. But the way he wrote this, the condition of the paper--- something more went on then what we wrote.
Did he cry, when he left? Did he cry when he wrote this? Did my father care enough to cry tears for a daughter he could never be proud of, for a daughter who isn't the traditional Japanese woman? Did he let tears flow for the daughter who was the spitting image of her mother, but the complete opposite in terms of personality? I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.
There is no way he could be proud of what I have become. I have no friends, and the men of the city shun me. What is there about me that would make him proud? What is there that could make him beam with pride? That's why he has this school, to make up for the things he never had. That's why he trained me, to make up for the son he could never have. That's why he kept me away from the other classes, to show that I was still a woman, like the wife he had lost.
I was there to make up for things he could never possess. When did he ever say that he loved me?
Father, did you? You had to have. You've shown kindness to me at times, I remember them and I cherish those moments. You've protected me all my life, and that's why you agreed to go to war, isn't it? To protect my future? Can't you see I want you here to protect me? Is that too much to ask?
Is it wrong of me to pray to Kami-sama to let me have my father back, so I have someone left in my life, so I have a foundation? I love you, father, why did you have to leave me? Just like mother?
'So I wanted to say this
'Cause I wouldn't know where to begin
To explain to you what I have been through
To explain where your daddy has been'
Kaoru-chan, I'm writing you this letter. I have a feeling something is going to happen to me today, something you'll never forgive me for. I have no idea where I should start from, and I plead you'll forgive me for that weakness.
I haven't written you since I left; I know this. But to let you know how much I miss you would only make me realize it, too. It would distract me, cause something to happen that never was supposed to happen.
This war is strong, the carnage and slaughter is great. Many have lost their lives, but I have not killed yet. I myself haven't seen much of the war, but I what I have is more than enough to haunt my mind.
You have to believe me. I'm fighting this so you don't have to do it yourself, Kaoru-chan. So that you don't have to be forced into a war on your own, so you don't have to be pushed onto a battlefield and into a danger that even I can't protect you from, called fear.
Yes, I am scared, Kaoru-chan. A weakness I never showed you, a weakness I never allowed you to feel. Fear has been settled I my heart since the day I heard your mother would die. I pushed it aside, and then it comes back. I was scared when I left you, Kaoru-chan, knowing I had no way to be sure if you were okay, if you were still crying. I was scared the night I told you I had to leave, because you showed me pure anguish I've never seen in your eyes before.
Everyday on the battlefield, my heart beats faster and my courage falters, Kaoru-chan. But this fear is nothing compared to the fear I felt the moment I walk away from home, knowing in my heart, that I would never be coming back. In a war, you kill or be killed, my dear Kaoru-chan, and since I do not kill, I shall be killed.
Forgive me.
I love you.
And I leave you with these words that have rang through my head for the longest time.
'I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
And I want to show you
To show you all of the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter'
I didn't want that letter. I didn't want to open that letter. I'm seventeen now, and it's been nearly a year since father left. But that letter--- that ominous letter. I didn't even need to open it. I felt it in my heart, in my body. The way I shook, the trembling in my hands told me all I needed to know, even before I saw the police officer walk up.
This can only mean one of two things. Either you are injured; father, or you have been killed. But this letter is from you, the first one you've sent me at all. Maybe there is still a glimmer of hope. Maybe you're calling me to come see you, because you're injured. Maybe you want to see me.
I open your letter father, and I see the strict, deep strokes of your handwriting over the outside of the parchment you used. The letters are smudged somewhat, but that's okay I can still see what you wrote. You left me with a message on the outside before I opened the letter itself. They say 'I want to protect you from all of the things I've already endured, To show you all of the things this life has in store for you, I'll always love you the way a father should love his daughter'.
This can't be good.
Father, what has happened to you?
"Kamiya-san… your father has died, in battle, protecting his captain. He had left us with this letter for you and directions to the site he wanted to be buried at. We've already gone and done that. I am sorry for your loss."
He walks away, and I'm left here, staring. Collapsing to the floor, I sob and my tears fall again. How could you leave me, just like mother did? I needed you; father, you were supposed to come to me! Why? You can't just leave me here, to keep up the Kamiya Kasshin school all-alone, to try and do all the duties of life on my own. I need help, father, so why did you leave me?
I feel so helpless, now, father, because I'm alone. For the first time in my life, I'm really alone. I never realize how much I depended on you, father. You meant so much to me in my life, because you were all I had left. It was always you and I. You wanted me to take on the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, to be strong. I'll never learn the final technique now, but that doesn't matter. I'm still strong enough, aren't I father? But it's just so hard to believe.
You're gone.
I never thought you would die; it was a possibility that would never happen. How could it? You were so strong father, how could you die? I never realized how much of my life revolved around pleasing you, or how much I tried to be what you wanted me to be, what I thought you needed. You wanted me to be strong, like you, not to show my weakness, just like you. I'm still trying striving to please you, and so I come to my conclusion.
I'll refuse to cry anymore. I'm doing what you taught me to; never show your weaknesses. I will, for you father. I will do as you wanted me to, become the strong woman you trained me to be. I won't show my weakness to the situation; I won't cry.
But…it's so hard not to cry, because I love you.
Author's Notes: Okay. I hope that was good! I haven't ever written anything like this fic before, and I actually started tearing up as I went through it. It's sad! I know Kaoru's dad is supposed to be really strict, but I can't make him too strict. I just couldn't. I tried to make him to be stronger, but I believe he had to be soft somewhere in there. I hope I did good on this.
Drop me a review and let me know how I did!
Love and hugs,
Crystal Renee