--**Short memories, look here**--
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Sucks, doesn't it.
Title: The Unpleasantries of Life -- I know unpleasantries or unpleasantry are not words. Read the story and you'll get the title --
Rating: R - 'cause it can be.
Summary: You may think waking up next to Draco Malfoy is a fantastic surprise. It is unpleasant, however, for Hermione Granger. Until, he tells her she's in his top five. [Please read and review]
Chapter One
--Number One--
It's Saturday morning. I know, because, last night before I drifted off the instant realisation that I wasn't working for two days dawned as I settled into a comfortable sleep. However, this morning - this very peaceful and pleasant Saturday morning - I am less than comfortable. The blanket, which I have owned for far too long, is tucked safely under my feet, as well as the small of my back. I am now in the very unpleasant situation of wanting to move but not being able to. Again, realisation dawns. This extremely unpleasant situation occurs (in my opinion) only twice: when, the night before, you've gotten far too drunk to pronounce your own name. And in the current unpleasant situation you are in, you cannot move, because you are still a little drunk. And when, the night before, you've exchanged fluids with someone of the same or opposite sex. And, again, in the current unpleasant situation you are in, you cannot move because the other presence in your bed is refusing to. Or, perhaps, judging from the loud, manly groan from beside me I'm guessing its a little of both.
Oh dear. So, I've done two things I don't normally do in the same night. I don't remember leaving the house ... Oh God. I ... I ... Did I order a mail-order male? No. No. I couldn't have. Then, a male prostitute? No. No. I'm absolutely broke, I can't even afford sausages, let alone ... his. So, back to the matter at hand. No mail-order male. No male prostitute. Then ... a friend. A male friend. I don't have many of those ... four, if you count the one that lives in Texas. But he didn't just happen to drop by with condoms and alcohol. Did he?
I slowly sit up in bed and survey the room. Nope. No cowboy hat. It isn't him.
Then who the hell is it? I'm too bloody chicken to look. Well, I am down to three possibilities. Harry, who lives in Surrey ... with his girlfriend, Sherry. So, then we move to Canterbury. Ron ... What the bloody hell is wrong with Ron? Oh right. He's gone to Paris to "find himself." Find himself a gorgeous Frech slut is more like it. Hmph. One more possibility. He's not exactly a friend, but I know him. Quite well. He's what you count as a dinner-party friend. You wouldn't talk to them elsewhere, however. But ... on the occasion of my incredibe drunkness. It could happen. And the name. You could picture him smirking as soon as it leaves your lips. Draco Malfoy ... is lying in my bed, awake and smiling at me.
Oh Dear Lord.
"Hello," he says.
"Did we have sex?"
Oh yes. Just come right out and say it, Hermione. Excellent job.
"No."
Praise the Lord ... and cheap shoes.
We must have just fallen asleep in the same bed. Never, have I gone for secret option number three and now it's the reason I was terrified. One day, I will look at this and laugh.
"We had sexual intercourse."
One day ...
"Did we use a condom?" It's the first time I've come right out and said something. I feel very proud - although, slightly sick.
"No."
Oh, bloodybuggerfuckingbollocksshittingballs.
"We used a Trojan." He then began to recite a Trojan commercial. "Imported."
I'm beginning to regret not killing him sooner.
"I hate you," I say, as I climb out of bed. I begin to search for my pajama bottoms, because that's right -- I'm not wearing any. "And if I do get pregnant, I don't care if it's male or female, I'm calling it Draco. Just to spite you."
"So, if you get pregnant and you have a girl -- you're calling it Draco. Now, Hermione, you're inflicting at least thirty years of therapy on our child already. Don't you think you're overreacting?"
I explode at nine o'clock in the morning. Really. It's a record for me. "We don't have a child! I'm not pregnant! You are incredibly annoying! And I am not overreacting!" I stomp out of my room.
What did I ever see in him? He's not sleep-with material. He's dart-board material. Huh, that's an idea. I must write that down.
"Hermione?"
"Shut up."
"I just said your name."
"Well, I don't like it when you say my name."
"Well, then, what should I call you?"
I shrug.
"How about ... 'I'm sorry.'"
I say nothing.
"How about ... 'I should go to hell and burn forever for being such a complete and utter dick.'"
I smile. "That's better."
"Okay. So, we'll leave it at we'll never have sex again, right?"
"Right ... wait -- why?"
"Well, because the next thing I suspected you of doing was to ring the condom company and ask the average percentage of how often they work. Ninety-seven, by the way --,"
"Is that it?"
"Hermione."
"Sorry," I say sheepishly.
"And because of how much you overreacted," Draco adds.
"I was surprised and shocked and ... Draco, how was I?"
He pauses, smiling slightly at, I suppose, the memory. "Don't you remember? Oh, yeah, that's right. Eight vodka cruisers under forty-five minutes, that's a record for you, Miss Granger."
"Draco ..." He's making me impatient.
"Did you know you slur when you moan?"
I slap him, unconciously covering my face with my hands. "Shut up and tell me."
"You were OK."
"OK? Just OK? Just two letters - the O and the K? The most stupidest letters in the entire alphabet?"
"You were good."
"Good's better ..." I sigh.
"How about you rank in top five and we'll leave it at that, OK?"
Top five. That's good. That's very good. I can't stop smiling.
"Goodbye, Granger," he says, collecting pants he'd deposited on a bar stool the night earlier.
"Bye," I say, airily.
The door slams. That brings me out of my trance.
I slept with Malfoy. Ferret Boy. The Resident Annoyance of This Society.
Well, that makes for a nice long chat with Ginny.
Updating 'Study Buddies' is in process, so don't throw things. PLEASE.
Now, I know this is all very cliched and over-done and absolutely never going to happen, but I hope your love for giving me so many wonderful reviews will save this story. Yes, and my sense of humour that makes you all give me the 'ha ha ha's' at the beginning of your reviews. Now. This is an AU, because everyone lives in the Muggle world. They all know that they know each other from Hogwarts, but really talk or use magic. AND they just work in normal Muggle jobs. Bare with me and give enjoying my stories. Now, review! Now. I'm ordering you.
He he ... I know ... I know ...
--barbieQUE--