Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death
Chapter 9: Punishing the sinners
When you're young the days seem to progress so swiftly. The once chilled months of the year melt into spring and the world somehow doesn't seem that hard to face anymore. Every morning is spent waking up to the same bird chirping endlessly each dawn and every night is spent trying to decipher if the tune the frogs and crickets play is really worth listening to. Of course mornings are still cold, they always are, even in the summer. I'd like to think that I could carry on like this forever, but as time and life have shown me nothing is ever going to go my way. It's a miracle I even made it this far in life, it honestly is.
I suppose that is how I ended up where I am right now. Loading two bullets into the compartments of a revolver. People must truly wonder what goes through my head when I pull all these dumb stunts. Dumb stunts, that's all this is to everyone a dumb stunt I'm pulling just to get attention. I talked to Heero, things are ok between us they only problem is I don't feel the same way I use to about him. Wufei and I are back to being great friends -I don't think we ever really stopped in the first place- I finally told him about why I tried to commit suicide. He said it was for a noble cause, but to never do it again.
So, now the question is, why am I loading a revolver? Trowa, not necessarily because of him, but because I can't stand being alive and near him if he doesn't feel the same about me. Never once has he said any thing about me kissing him since the moment it happened and I think the only reason he doesn't mention it is because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me he can't return my feelings. Oh God Trowa you mean the world to me and you don't even know it, I'm too afraid of rejection to face him like a human with dignity.
I place the barrel of the gun at my head and clench my eyes shut, as much as I want to die, I'm afraid. It hurts so much and so bad, why do I do this to myself, why do I constantly pull that trigger in my mind but never in real life? How I wish I could drown in my own blood just once. It would serve me right for never doing it in the first place. If I really wanted to die I would have killed myself from the beginning of my depression and never have to worry about all the pain I feel now. I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself! Trowa must hate me.....because people who hate themselves can never be happy and that deters others from wanting to get to know and love them.
"Duo come down now!" maybe I shouldn't have left that note, I wonder how he managed to find me.
"Why should I?" I need a reason Trowa give me that reason.
"You might get hurt!"
"Obviously you skipped part of the note!" like the part about me not being able to like this anymore.
"If I did I'll read it again! Duo, you said something about the pain being too much to bear what did you mean by that?" I forgot what I even wrote about in the note, but I do remember mentioning something about how it hurts -something- really bad.
Do I really want to tell him? Do I really want him to know how I feel about him? I cant, it hurts just to think that maybe he won't like me, won't feel the way I feel. I stood on the roof looking down at Trowa who was staring back at me with those beautiful emerald eyes of his.
"......Trowa....have you ever heard of a game called Russian roulette?...." he stared at me and before he had the chance to speak I continued. "Russian Roulette (1) an act of bravado consisting of spinning the cylinder of a revolver loaded with one cartridge, pointing the muzzle at one's own head, and pulling the trigger. It's a game of chance Trowa. Do you want that chance?" I think that in all my years of schooling that's the only thing I can remember so vividly, read it in a book.
"Duo what the hell is wrong with you?" that voice, Wufei he must have come with Trowa. Another reason for Wufei being here, Trowa doesn't know any of the places I like to go when I want to be alone, but.....Wufei does.
"......" in all my life the moments in which I need to speak, I say nothing.
"Duo come down!" Trowa keeps trying, but I can't. I came here to stop this pain of mine from consuming me so that I wouldn't end up in an insane asylum.
"I'm coming up." Wufei, it's going to take him fifteen minutes before he finds a way up here. I never did tell him how to get up, and now he's off to the back.
"Duo I still don't know why you're doing this."
"Duo you really want to know?" dumb question, of course he does, he wouldn't be asking if it weren't the case.
I take a few minuets to idly wonder how it would look if I just jumped off the roof right now. The whole situation somehow seems familiar to me. Like I've done this before. I sometimes sit and wonder if past lives are true and if you can remember them, it would explain all of my warped thinking and odd nightmares. Although once in a while I catch a glimpse of the past in those terrible present dreams of mine. I usually see me as a child running around in a field my mom and dad both with me, we're all smiling and then I wake up.
"I love you Trowa.....do you know how hard it is for me to say something like that? Knowing that you don't feel the same about me hurts so much more than the time I tried to slit my wrist. Every failed attempt at suicide could never hurt as much as this feeling right now."
"I can't compare to the transparency of water Duo you can't read my thoughts or expressions, you have no say on how I feel about you."
"What?"
"Duo I know that I'm older and that in a perfect world I'd know all the answers to any question for anyone who asked, but I don don't."
Oh holy spirits watching over me, pray for my soul.
A/N: I had no intentions of this chpt coming out so late. Been busy packing, we're moving! -oh joy- (can you feel the sarcasm?) Anywho go, off with ya, and review!