Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death
Chapter 11: Deaths silence
Most often memories in the past are what make us happiest the most, but I'd have to say at this moment, it's not the case. I wanted him to touch me in all the places no one else had ever touched me before. Love me the many ways one would love a lover, touch a lover, kiss a lover, taste a lover, and be enchanted by our need and desire to be with one another, like lovers. I wanted him to be my everything -like Heero once was- only I wanted too much. I should have been content enough just to be by his side. I kept pushing and I guess I finally shoved too much and fell, hard. My choices and my decisions are what got me to where I am right now, I guess I have to live with this outcome, I hope.
Right now the only place I think I could be is Hell, but I might be wrong and I'm probably in a hospital right now; because for some odd reason God just won't let me die! I guess in this case I'll let it slip, for now. Besides I can smell that distinctive hospital smell, an antiseptic sheen covering everything, the steady rhythm of the heart monitor beeping with each beat of my heart, and the light pit-pat sound the I.V. makes as it's sweet nectar drops into the small tube connected to the needle previously inserted into my arm, I hate hospitals now, so much. Why can't God just let me rest in peace? In his eyes I guess I just don't deserve it.....that peace I desire.
"Duo, I'm so sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry, so sorry I'm..... uh forgive me." I wonder who called my mother, but it's nice in a way to hear her voice again, it's been so long. Or maybe she's just here out of guilt, kicking her oldest out and now sees the outcome of what she's done and regrets it, well I won't take her back! I don't want anything to do with her anymore, I've got Trowa and Wufei. They are the only people I need in my damn life!
"Mommy is Duo going to be ok?" oh God, I can't believe she brought my brothers and sisters with her, a hospital is no place for a kid, there's too much death.
"Of course he is, your brothers' strong." bullshit, if that were the case I wouldn't be here right now.
"Is he going away like Daddy did?" kids ask too many questions.
"No, Duo would never do that to us, he's better than that....." it actually makes me happy to hear her say that. Maybe she finally accepted the fact that Dad is gone -acceptance- I guess she finally got past denial.
I heard the door creak open and close, my mother gasped, I assume someone just told her exactly what the circumstances are concerning how I got injured. I'm too out of it to actually listen to other people.
"Hello Mrs. Maxwell." Wufei? I'm awake and now I'm curious, why would my mother gasp when he came in? Surprise, surprise he's wearing a cast and is using crutches, what the hell happened to him?
"Wufei, what happened?" yes, do tell I'm intrigued.
"Well you see apparently people aren't meant to fly."
"Oh, really you barely figured that out?"
"I never fell from a building before, so I thought I'd give it a try." I swear everyone I know is full of sarcasm and joy.
Hell even Trowa's got it, I love Trowa , now if only he could love me back I wouldn't be so down.
"It's all my fault Mrs. Maxwell, if I hadn't tripped on my way up the building he wouldn't be here right now." Wufei so you're the dope who knocked over those cans.
"Really don't blame yourself Wufei, I'm sure Duo wouldn't want you to." I don't.
"But it is." He sat down in the chair that my mother so graciously vacated for him and clenched his fists in his lap. If he continues to clench any harder he's going to make his palms bleed.
"Wufei, I'm still a bit in the dark about what happened out there, so can you please tell me?"
"Sure....." I watched as my mother grabbed another chair that was close by and sat down in front of Wufei, "it was early this morning that I got a call from Trowa...."
"Trowa?" asked my mother, obviously wondering who the hell that person was.
"Oh come on Mrs. Maxwell don't you pay attention to what's going on in your sons life, Trowa is or was Duo's therapist. Anyways continuing on, I got a call from Trowa telling me that Duo was gone and that he left a note about....well I guess another suicide attempt. Well, once I heard that I hung up the phone and headed straight over and when I got there Trowa asked me if I knew if there was someplace that Duo likes to go. And the only place I remember him ever talking about before was the abandoned warehouse on Clover St."
"So when you guys got there where was he?"
"On top of the roof. Well Trowa was quicker than I and was talking to Duo by the time I managed to turn off the car...." I watched as he closed his eyes for a brief second like he was trying to picture the event and reply it all over again in his mind. "I've never heard Duo talk like that before and his voice was so devoid of emotion. It really sacred me to see him like that, he had a gun with him and so I decided to find a way up and left to the back. By the time I managed to get up there I ended up tripping over some damn trash cans and the last thing I remember hearing was the sound of a gun going off."
"Oh my God, so that's how he got shot I can't believe he tried to shoot himself."
"Not to be rude Mrs. Maxwell, but don't you think that if he tried to kill himself the first time by overdosing, him trying to shoot himself shouldn't be that big of a surprise?"
"Mommy if someone has their eyes open does that mean they're awake?" darn you Lily.
"Duo you're awake?"
"No, I just opened my eyes for no reason, I'm really still asleep."
"Well then you should wake up because we're all worried." my little brother Connie, I think my mother and father must have been drugged or drunk when they named half of us.
"It was.......never mind." Once again the door opens and this time in walks Trowa and the doctor, the first person I wanted to see, Trowa, not the doctor.
"Duo you're awake!" argg....
"Yes I am." will people stop saying and asking that!
"Mr. Maxwell lets not make a habit of meeting like this." Is he trying to be funny?
"I'll try sir, but I won't promise you anything." might as well answer, still not very funny.
"Since Dr. Barton has cleared up the matter I still need to talk to you, Mrs. Maxwell, and Mr. Chang." Wufei left first then my mother turned to leave the room, stopped and asked Trowa if he could take all my brothers and sisters to the Waiting Room and well, wait. So I was left to my own devices, found a small notebook and started to just write the first thing that came to mind, I was content with the outcome. A poem I guess, called "I Must Die".
I didn't even hear the door open and the sad excuse for a poem was snatched from my fingers by the doctor, Trowa right behind him. Trowa scanned over the words and I saw his eyes widen then go back to a calm state, he does that a lot. Then the doctor goes and reads it aloud. I'm not sure why maybe he wanted my mother and Wufei to hear it. Apparently they found someone else to watch my siblings.
I Must Die
No more inside nothing feels right,
No more brings that glistening light.
Everything foreshadows a great dawn,
Life is nothing like an elegant fawn.
Death seems closer
I feel blinded
Die..Die..
My life never flashes before my eyes,
All I hear are my distant cries.
Bellowing low in my ear,
Complaints and yelling is all I hear.
Why does death come closer?
I still feel blinded
I am dying.
Oh my God how this pain burns inside me,
Not feeling how I should
This hurting pain just burns me down
I'll take this clever or this string
And I'll and I'll
Just die
There is no hope for this person
Death still comes closer
I'm now blind by my fear
I'm dead.
"I don't think the therapy you gave him helped much." him is me and I'm right here!
"Um... I don't know what to say." oh great Trowa probably thinks I need more help now.
"Oh my." my mother has a hand covering her mouth like she just saw someone murdered or something.
"Duo I......." Wufei can't even form a freaking sentence, I don't see what the hells wrong though.
"I think that maybe you need to be put on an anti-depressants." no I don't, although it dose seem tempting.
"I can't afford medication." you're not my guardian anymore, Mother!
"Well actually Duo's living with me." oh, I feel a slight argument coming on.
"Since when?!" oh, Mom's yelling.
"Since you kicked him out." truly a bad choice of words Trowa.
"I didn't kick him out, I asked him to go live on his own, and he said he could, so he left." Lies all lies.
"I'm sure and that's why he was crying out on the front porch once he shut the door behind him." Trowa you bastard, you saw me crying, and didn't say anything!
"Duo, you were crying?" God no.
"......" I can't even tell my own mother how much it hurt to hear her say that she wanted me gone. I didn't want to bother anybody really, but Trowa kept insisting and well the thought of having someone to come home to sounded so good at that moment. Now I just wish that I had left on my own, I probably wouldn't even be alive right now if that were the circumstances, but at least I wouldn't have to be dealing with this right now. I hate myself, I hate myself, I make dumb decisions and keep screwing up my life and make everyone keep worrying about me when they don't have to. I'm stupid, I.....and...I...NO! Pity is a place where hatred grows and Hell is a home with a place in my heart. Built full of resentment, pity, and pain I deserve it all, but nobody else does, nobody, just me. I tried so hard to reach that sanctuary in my heart and failed miserably in the end. But I guess in the pits of my mind I felt I was already there. Suffering like I should, feeling the pain I was meat to have, my life is my hell and the devil is me.
I'm in tears now, in front of everyone, letting them see me for who I am ,what I am, weak, and human.
For in the end, I had a dream, called Death.
A/N: Well that's all for now unless I feel the sudden urge to add more chpts. But I'm content enough with where it's at right now.
In my mind I feel this is the way to end it all.
Poem belongs to ex. boyfriend.
Hoped you all enjoyed the fic and if you feel like it, check out some of my other work! (hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)