Title: Porcelain
Disclaimer: I do not own Moby's song "Porcelain". Moby does and I am not making any claim to it. Nobuhiro Watsuki owns the characters, not me.
"In my dreams I'm dying all the time"
He fell down the stairs. Looking across the room, I saw I was the only one awake and out of bed. Hurrying down the stairs, I raced to Okina's side. I had to move now. His life lay in my hands. I ran and checked him over. He lay unconscious. I yelled out for anyone. Shiro, Kuro, Okon, Omasu, Misao, anyone. Okon raced out of her room with Omasu not far behind. Shiro and Kuro ran and I shouted for them to bring rags. Okina's forehead bled badly from his fall.
Misao raced down the stairs, lagging a little behind the others until she saw Okina.
"Jiya!" She screamed as she slid down the stairs. I caught her before she tripped on the last stair. I held her back from Okina, as she screamed and yelled at me. Struggling helpless, she broke down and a few tears escaped her eyes as she looked down on him.
"JIYA!" She screamed in desperation. I held her close to me. It just seemed right. Our relationship had been on the rocks lately, but with this fall, all we could think of was Okina. And, Misao needed comfort before she did something rash. I stroked her hair as she wept into my chest.
I felt like crying myself. Okina did not survive his fall. He was old, his bones brittle, and his body worn from many years of being in such a line of work. I had to be strong for Misao. She could not take it. She hardly ate and she had to be forced fed. I tried to hold up my front so that she could have something strong to lean against. But, in my own private solace, I cried in desperation. I could not take much. It was impossible to take. I could not imagine the world without him. He seemed so immortal to all of us. It did not feel right for him to not stand with us.
Weeks passed, and gently we fell back into a bit of old routine. Save that there were no more lecherous comments ringing in the Aoiya, no great laughter heard, no cheerful smiles, no jokes. It seemed empty. Just how we all felt.
The restaurant itself survived. We decided he would not have wanted to close it in event of his death. So, it was left. We opened it again after our time of mourning passed. But, we were all not finished in our mourning.
"As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind"
Time seemed to just slip by us. We woke one day and left it. Hours passed by like seconds to us. We had become empty shells. We showed no emotion. Except that of sadness and depression. We had become cold and icy. It seemed as though I was the same as before. Empty, icy, cold and distance from the outside world. It was distressing to see everyone like so. Most of all Misao.
Misao sat in the garden, on a flat rock. She would never move. Unless someone picked her up and placed her in her futon. She would stare blankly around the garden and the next morning, she would arise and sit on the rock. She would not eat anything, and had to be force-fed. Most of the time, she threw it right back up. I felt disturbed by all that was happening with her.
I started to go back to the temple to meditate. I hardly stayed at the Aoiya anymore. I picked up old habits that had been broken just before Okina's death. I hardly spoke, I never acknowledged anyone else. I was still the icicle.
Misao stayed out in her yukata all day. As the months grew colder, Omasu asked me to look after her and not let her sit outside in the cold. I shrugged it off and said Misao could do whatever she wished. I acted not the least of the bit concerned. And, in my mind I felt that. But, deep in my heart, I knew she needed someone to look after her. I refused to see that. I refused my heart, just as I had so long ago.
I grew considerably thinner, but Misao looked terrible. Her skin looked like paper stretched out too much over a frame. It was a sick pale yellow. Her eyes were hooded and her once beautiful ocean blue eyes were now empty and emotionless. I was disturbed by all that had happened to her since his death.
"I never meant to hurt you"
It seemed as though one day, the spirit of Okina entered Okon.
"MISAO! Okina would not have you be like this over his death! Wake up! Moping around after his death will not do anything. You have been respectful. You have mourned. We all feel a hurt for Okina, not just you. You have to stop acting like such a child!" Misao said nothing.
She did nothing. We were all scared for her. She would die soon. She ate nothing. She did nothing. She never slept. She was stayed in a state of suspension. I stayed at the temple some nights. Sometimes, I did not go back to the Aoiya for 3 or 4 days. Omasu, Okon, Shiro and Kuro knew I was there at the temple for my reasons, and did not come to get me. I did not wish for them to anyway. It was too disturbing there anyway.
Our customers sometimes noticed our gloom, and asked quietly how we were taking the death. We simply said it was hard, but we were making it. Everyone was slowly, but it still hurt to mention his name. Misao could not go anywhere near his things or anything that had to do with him. The Aoiya itself sparked off tears.
Misao's health declined faster and faster. We all panicked. She could no longer walk. She could not stand up, for her legs had become so brittle they would break under the weight. She hardly had the energy to open her eyes.
We tried force-feeding her. She threw it all up. Her stomach was used to nothing but a little water or maybe tea. She could not take eating other things, or anything. It was depressing watching her die before our eyes. Doctor after doctor told us the same thing.
"She will not survive."
We all took turns taking care of her. Our nerves were on edge. Okina's death was hard enough. Our pretty, little ninja girl dead too, it was impossible to imagine. We blinked back tears. It was impossible that she was going to die. It was not real. It was all a trick. She would pull through. We prayed daily. I went to the temple and kept staying even longer. Weeks were not uncommon for me stay.
"I never meant to lie"
We were insane with grief. Misao was almost dead. She just lay on futon the day through. She could no longer recognize Shiro, Kuro, Omasu or Okon. I had not gone into the room. I knew I could not stand to stay in there. I knew well enough to stay out. I was scared of her. I was scared of what was happening.
My Misao was dying.
I could not accept a word of it. It was too scary to recollect. It was not right. It was not the way things should be. It was wrong. It was all so wrong. They were taking her away. She was being led away from all she knew.
It was so scary.
I cried sometimes. My eyes felt so dry though. My tears had fallen long ago for Okina, but they had no replenished yet. I felt ashamed that I could not cry for her. My sun. My light. My Misao. She was everything.
"Aoshi-san" A voice echoed in the silent temple.
"Aa" I was staying calm. I would not move. I would be as cold and emotionless as ever. I must. For if, I showed any emotion, I felt as though I would fall off the high ledge, and my porcelain would be cracked. And, all the darkness of my feelings would let loose to so many who should never feel these things.
"Go to Misao-chan." It was pleading with me.
I stayed silent. I could not see her. I would die if I saw her now. She would be so contrary to her real being it would break me. I would break. My face would crack and I would fall off my shelf. I could not go to her. I could not. No matter my feelings, I had to keep up.
"I cannot." It was simple.
"You can." As was it.
They lingered. And left me to my inner demons once more.
"So this is goodbye"
The walk from the temple left me time. Time I wished I did not have. I wished for everything to go away. I wished for my life to go away. I wished for all the problems of ever to leave me. I wished for quiet. I wished for peace. I wished for Misao.
Everything beat down upon my soul as I walked. I let it beat harder at me. I would not try and fight any longer. I could not. I had no more reason to. There was nothing waiting for me after the path. Nothing left for me to hope for. I was dead. I had no more. Nothing was left of me. Nothing left for anything.
I had feelings no more. I did not have anything. I could not even be emotionless. It was so empty it was nothing like being emotionless. It was something else. It was just as though I was a shell like Misao. I was just following some routine that seemed to pop in my head and I never quite remembered why exactly I did the things I did. We were becoming the same. We were both becoming empty shells of former life. It was nothing new for me though. I had been emotionless. Yet, to see Misao as such, it was disturbing beyond measure. I could say nothing. I could do nothing. I was alone as I had always wanted to be. And now, I wanted the company I could have had with Misao. I was so desperate for her companionship and it was bitter poison whenever I thought of how I could no longer reach her. I could not grab her from her nightmares. She would probably be lost forever, almost like myself. At one time, she drew me out. I could not drag her out. She was too far gone. I would not know how to anyway. She was so vivacious, and always brought light into my life. All I brought was pain and sour tears.
"This is goodbye"
Daily life was suffering at the Aoiya. Misao had not walked in a month. She had not stood in 3 weeks. She had not been able to eat anything whole in 4 months. She would die soon. Every sign pointed to it. I myself felt that I needed to die too. When she was gone, I would have nothing. Just a shell of her. Her body. Only her body. So that I could be reminded of how I could have saved the soul that once lived in that body. I could have saved the one who lived in there. I could have protected her. Okina was dead though. If I had gotten to him sooner, we would not be in our current state. Misao and I might have had something. We might have gone somewhere with our rocky relationship. But, Okina left us instead. He left us to fend off the demons we had inside. The extreme irony of it all though was that he had left us no weapons. We had only our breaking souls.
Suicidal thoughts flew through my head daily. The way of the kodachi would be more honorable, but I could always jump off of some cliff. I could always get myself into a fight and lose purposely. I could just slit my own throat or wrists. I did not begin to care after a while. I began to forget about the honor side of it. I only thought of the fastest way to get it over with and be gone. I did not care about the pain either. I just wanted to be taken out of the world. I just wanted to leave it and never come back. I wanted to never face the hurt it left me daily. I did not want to face it ever again. I hated myself for being such a coward, but I could think of nothing else.
My meditations were never the same as they had been before Okina. I could never clear my mind. I instead had images of the knife slicing over the vital vein and the blood spewing and my vision blurring. Or it would be of Misao's death bed. I hated those probably the most. I knew it would happen soon. I would not be prepared when it did happen. I would be even less prepared for the aftershocks on the Aoiya and myself. It would not be pretty. Everything would go to ruins. Nothing would be left for us. Nothing at all.
"Tell the truth you never wanted me"
I was awoken one morning by a voice. It was a familiar voice, but I knew I had not heard it in a long time. I opened my eyes slowly from my nightmares and above me my Misao sat. I gasped and blinked my eyes. Nothing anymore. Nothing but air space. I sat up in the futon and ran a hand through my bangs. I had nightmares of her nightly. I used to have lustful dreams, but I of course never pursued them. She was the little girl I had raised. I began to see her before the death of our Okina as a woman. She was no longer such a little girl. I had not had a lustful dream of her writhing under me in a long time though. It may have been for the best though. I could never stand those dreams.
I felt something looming behind me. A deep ominous feeling filled me as I got off the futon and slid the shoji opened. An empty hallway lay beyond the threshold. I walked down though, to Misao's room. I had not seen her in weeks. I knew that when I went in there, I would never come out again. At least alive.
I stood before the shoji. The dream was telling me to come. The feeling that I thought had stayed in my room followed me here. I did not feel like obeying it though. I wanted to run from her door and not have to face the reality. My Misao was dying. I just did not want to see it. I did not want to accept it.
I decided to slide the shoji open. I looked into the room and was immediately taken over by the smell. It was obvious that a sick person had stayed in here an extreme amount of time. It smelled of medicine, tears, and grief. Nothing but pure grief lay everywhere in the room. It was almost sickening. I was tempted to leave the door, but her moan of my name caught my attention quite quickly.
"Ao-shi. Aa-oo-shi." She started tossing in her sleep. "Jiya. JI-YA!" She was screaming now. I closed the door quickly and leapt to her side. She called out to her father and mother, my lost companions, but she always called back to me. I was in stupor at what to do. I had no idea of her medication and all were gone tonight. The Aoiya was simply Misao and I. I did the only rational thing in my head. I held her. I stroked her hair and whispered sweet noises into her ear. I kissed her hair and forehead lightly. She began to calm down a little, but her frail body soon became racked with chills.
"Tell me"
I placed her back under the many blankets covering the futon. I watched, hoping her frail, weak body would stop shaking. She did not. I grew desperate and got under the covers myself. I held her into my chest and kissed her lightly on her forehead. She moaned my name and snuggled closer to me. I smiled lightly and wished she was not sick with all my heart. I wished I could save her with my body, soul and mind. I prayed feverishly all night to the gods.
In the morning, she was sicker than ever.
I could not do much for her. She slipped in and out of sleeping and half sleeping. I tried waking her, but to no avail. She was dying slowly before my eyes. I would have to kill myself afterwards. I knew there was no way I could go through my life everyday, knowing that she had died in front of me, and I could do nothing. I was slowly getting some of the pain of that from my companions and Okina. I knew I would never be sane again if Misao died. She was all I had left. She was what I went about the days for now. She was everything. Yet, she did not know she held the strings of my life. She determined my death time. I just tried preparing myself as best I could for my Misao's death.
Misao thrashed in her sleep endlessly. I had to hold her constantly to me to settle her down a little bit. I tried desperately to wake her up from her miseries, but she refused. I wished I could save her from her inner demons as she had me. But, I could not. I could not reach her like she had reached me. I could not touch her heart, soul and mind like she had me. She was everything. She was it all for me. I could not go on living without her. It was plain and simple as that. I knew it well. My Misao was my reason that I was still alive now.
"In my dreams I'm jealous all the time"
Misao lay still for a few moments. I bit my lip to keep from making a sound. She was dead. I knew she would leave me soon. I was so frightened. She had left me know. She would never come back. She could never come back. She was all gone from me. I had not chance to live anymore. I felt like killing myself now. I could think of nothing else to do.
I knew Misao would not like for me to do so. I knew she wanted me to be happy, and to not die for her sake. I knew she wanted me to stay here. But, to make me happy, I would have to die. That would be the only way I could be happy. I knew that now. I had wished I had told her how I felt about her though. My Misao had died without knowing of how much I loved her and how much I wished I could have cared for her. She had left me. I was alone again. I was alone wishing for companionship yet again. I had no where to go but death. So, why was I dawdling? Why wasn't I grabbing some sharp object and slicing myself? I could not figure out why. I started asking more and more questions to myself. I could not help but ask. I wanted to hurry and get it done, but the feeling came over me again.
I looked down and did not see a dead Misao. She had slow, easy breaths coming from her lips. I was so joyous! I had thought I had lost my Misao at that moment. I would have killed myself and she might have lived. She might have noticed my body and then killed herself to be with me. She was almost as irrational as I was. I would have never wanted her to follow me like that though. Just as she for me. I lay her slowly down to her futon and tried not to hurt her or disrupt her breathing at any moment.
"As I wake I'm going out of my mind"
When I saw the eyelids flicker, I froze. I was screaming for joy inside. She might actually live. She could prove every doctor wrong in the city. My Misao could live, and I by her side, if she would still take me. But my thoughts were interrupted by her voice.
"Ao-shi. Aoshi, what has happened to me?" She looked almost frightened.
"You are sick. Horribly sick. I have been taking care of you since last night. You have been sick though for about 4 weeks." I tried not speaking to terribly fast or complex for her.
"And, where are the others?" Misao simply asked.
"Gone. Went out somewhere." I answered.
"With Okina?" Her words captivated me. She knew nothing of Okina's death. She knew nothing of her illness. The doctor had once said something of this. Before death, the victim forgets things that happened previously. Many hallucinate or go insane. It is a supposed sign that death is soon. My Misao. My Misao...would be going soon.
"Okina has left us." I said simply.
"Oh" was all she said. I was happy that she did not say anything more, for the shock would probably kill her.
"Misao, you are fatally sick. The doctors think you will die quite soon." I knew I had worry in my eyes. Her own eyes began to have liquid crystals forming around them as her tears fell. She grabbed at my yukata and held me to her.
"I love you, Aoshi. I love you, Aoshi. I love you, Aoshi..." She kept repeating it over and over, as if in a trance.
"Misao, I love you too." She gaped at this. She remembered that I had said that I did not love her and never would. "I really do love you, my Misao. I will kill myself when you die."
"Please don't." I knew Misao would say it. I knew she would. "I want you to be happy."
"I'm only truly happy when I'm with you."
"Going out of my mind"
Shrieks conjured from her as she felt a considerable amount of pain all over. She was going through striking amounts of pain. I knew she would soon go. I knew it was soon. I held her close. I breathed her in and tried to memorize everything about her in those final moments. I did not want to forget anything. I did not want to forget her at all. I wanted her memory to always be fresh. I did not want her to go. I did not want to be alone anymore. I had just found a new life. Why did it all have to end so quickly?
Misao began to spew blood and I knew it was over. Her lung would soon cave in. It indeed did. No more than two seconds later, her breathing became raspy. She struggling words out of her mouth, but I could not decipher them. Misao tried frantically to clear her words to me, but she just made me even more lost. I felt something like tears form around my eyes and I stared down at the woman in my arms. She looked up at me and stopped trying to talk. Instead, she gave me one of her famous smiles, and lay limp in my arms. I cried my heart out into her body after I got over the shock.
I groped around the room for something sharp, laying Misao's body back on her futon. She looked so peaceful. I would soon join her. I knew it.
I found Misao's kunai. They would work perfectly. I unwrapped them slowly. I made everything slow and deliberate. I could not rush frantically into this. It would not help anyone. I may not kill myself well enough and then I could be forced by others to live out my days. I cleared my head instead to make sure I would do everything properly.
I looked down at my wrist. My beautiful wrist that I had become infatuated with now. I felt a great stress rise off of me as I brought the kunai down, and all of a sudden, all I felt was air passing out of my lungs and my body trying to grab air in. Instead, I closed my eyes and saw only my Misao.
End
Disclaimer: I do not own Moby's song "Porcelain". Moby does and I am not making any claim to it. Nobuhiro Watsuki owns the characters, not me.
"In my dreams I'm dying all the time"
He fell down the stairs. Looking across the room, I saw I was the only one awake and out of bed. Hurrying down the stairs, I raced to Okina's side. I had to move now. His life lay in my hands. I ran and checked him over. He lay unconscious. I yelled out for anyone. Shiro, Kuro, Okon, Omasu, Misao, anyone. Okon raced out of her room with Omasu not far behind. Shiro and Kuro ran and I shouted for them to bring rags. Okina's forehead bled badly from his fall.
Misao raced down the stairs, lagging a little behind the others until she saw Okina.
"Jiya!" She screamed as she slid down the stairs. I caught her before she tripped on the last stair. I held her back from Okina, as she screamed and yelled at me. Struggling helpless, she broke down and a few tears escaped her eyes as she looked down on him.
"JIYA!" She screamed in desperation. I held her close to me. It just seemed right. Our relationship had been on the rocks lately, but with this fall, all we could think of was Okina. And, Misao needed comfort before she did something rash. I stroked her hair as she wept into my chest.
I felt like crying myself. Okina did not survive his fall. He was old, his bones brittle, and his body worn from many years of being in such a line of work. I had to be strong for Misao. She could not take it. She hardly ate and she had to be forced fed. I tried to hold up my front so that she could have something strong to lean against. But, in my own private solace, I cried in desperation. I could not take much. It was impossible to take. I could not imagine the world without him. He seemed so immortal to all of us. It did not feel right for him to not stand with us.
Weeks passed, and gently we fell back into a bit of old routine. Save that there were no more lecherous comments ringing in the Aoiya, no great laughter heard, no cheerful smiles, no jokes. It seemed empty. Just how we all felt.
The restaurant itself survived. We decided he would not have wanted to close it in event of his death. So, it was left. We opened it again after our time of mourning passed. But, we were all not finished in our mourning.
"As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind"
Time seemed to just slip by us. We woke one day and left it. Hours passed by like seconds to us. We had become empty shells. We showed no emotion. Except that of sadness and depression. We had become cold and icy. It seemed as though I was the same as before. Empty, icy, cold and distance from the outside world. It was distressing to see everyone like so. Most of all Misao.
Misao sat in the garden, on a flat rock. She would never move. Unless someone picked her up and placed her in her futon. She would stare blankly around the garden and the next morning, she would arise and sit on the rock. She would not eat anything, and had to be force-fed. Most of the time, she threw it right back up. I felt disturbed by all that was happening with her.
I started to go back to the temple to meditate. I hardly stayed at the Aoiya anymore. I picked up old habits that had been broken just before Okina's death. I hardly spoke, I never acknowledged anyone else. I was still the icicle.
Misao stayed out in her yukata all day. As the months grew colder, Omasu asked me to look after her and not let her sit outside in the cold. I shrugged it off and said Misao could do whatever she wished. I acted not the least of the bit concerned. And, in my mind I felt that. But, deep in my heart, I knew she needed someone to look after her. I refused to see that. I refused my heart, just as I had so long ago.
I grew considerably thinner, but Misao looked terrible. Her skin looked like paper stretched out too much over a frame. It was a sick pale yellow. Her eyes were hooded and her once beautiful ocean blue eyes were now empty and emotionless. I was disturbed by all that had happened to her since his death.
"I never meant to hurt you"
It seemed as though one day, the spirit of Okina entered Okon.
"MISAO! Okina would not have you be like this over his death! Wake up! Moping around after his death will not do anything. You have been respectful. You have mourned. We all feel a hurt for Okina, not just you. You have to stop acting like such a child!" Misao said nothing.
She did nothing. We were all scared for her. She would die soon. She ate nothing. She did nothing. She never slept. She was stayed in a state of suspension. I stayed at the temple some nights. Sometimes, I did not go back to the Aoiya for 3 or 4 days. Omasu, Okon, Shiro and Kuro knew I was there at the temple for my reasons, and did not come to get me. I did not wish for them to anyway. It was too disturbing there anyway.
Our customers sometimes noticed our gloom, and asked quietly how we were taking the death. We simply said it was hard, but we were making it. Everyone was slowly, but it still hurt to mention his name. Misao could not go anywhere near his things or anything that had to do with him. The Aoiya itself sparked off tears.
Misao's health declined faster and faster. We all panicked. She could no longer walk. She could not stand up, for her legs had become so brittle they would break under the weight. She hardly had the energy to open her eyes.
We tried force-feeding her. She threw it all up. Her stomach was used to nothing but a little water or maybe tea. She could not take eating other things, or anything. It was depressing watching her die before our eyes. Doctor after doctor told us the same thing.
"She will not survive."
We all took turns taking care of her. Our nerves were on edge. Okina's death was hard enough. Our pretty, little ninja girl dead too, it was impossible to imagine. We blinked back tears. It was impossible that she was going to die. It was not real. It was all a trick. She would pull through. We prayed daily. I went to the temple and kept staying even longer. Weeks were not uncommon for me stay.
"I never meant to lie"
We were insane with grief. Misao was almost dead. She just lay on futon the day through. She could no longer recognize Shiro, Kuro, Omasu or Okon. I had not gone into the room. I knew I could not stand to stay in there. I knew well enough to stay out. I was scared of her. I was scared of what was happening.
My Misao was dying.
I could not accept a word of it. It was too scary to recollect. It was not right. It was not the way things should be. It was wrong. It was all so wrong. They were taking her away. She was being led away from all she knew.
It was so scary.
I cried sometimes. My eyes felt so dry though. My tears had fallen long ago for Okina, but they had no replenished yet. I felt ashamed that I could not cry for her. My sun. My light. My Misao. She was everything.
"Aoshi-san" A voice echoed in the silent temple.
"Aa" I was staying calm. I would not move. I would be as cold and emotionless as ever. I must. For if, I showed any emotion, I felt as though I would fall off the high ledge, and my porcelain would be cracked. And, all the darkness of my feelings would let loose to so many who should never feel these things.
"Go to Misao-chan." It was pleading with me.
I stayed silent. I could not see her. I would die if I saw her now. She would be so contrary to her real being it would break me. I would break. My face would crack and I would fall off my shelf. I could not go to her. I could not. No matter my feelings, I had to keep up.
"I cannot." It was simple.
"You can." As was it.
They lingered. And left me to my inner demons once more.
"So this is goodbye"
The walk from the temple left me time. Time I wished I did not have. I wished for everything to go away. I wished for my life to go away. I wished for all the problems of ever to leave me. I wished for quiet. I wished for peace. I wished for Misao.
Everything beat down upon my soul as I walked. I let it beat harder at me. I would not try and fight any longer. I could not. I had no more reason to. There was nothing waiting for me after the path. Nothing left for me to hope for. I was dead. I had no more. Nothing was left of me. Nothing left for anything.
I had feelings no more. I did not have anything. I could not even be emotionless. It was so empty it was nothing like being emotionless. It was something else. It was just as though I was a shell like Misao. I was just following some routine that seemed to pop in my head and I never quite remembered why exactly I did the things I did. We were becoming the same. We were both becoming empty shells of former life. It was nothing new for me though. I had been emotionless. Yet, to see Misao as such, it was disturbing beyond measure. I could say nothing. I could do nothing. I was alone as I had always wanted to be. And now, I wanted the company I could have had with Misao. I was so desperate for her companionship and it was bitter poison whenever I thought of how I could no longer reach her. I could not grab her from her nightmares. She would probably be lost forever, almost like myself. At one time, she drew me out. I could not drag her out. She was too far gone. I would not know how to anyway. She was so vivacious, and always brought light into my life. All I brought was pain and sour tears.
"This is goodbye"
Daily life was suffering at the Aoiya. Misao had not walked in a month. She had not stood in 3 weeks. She had not been able to eat anything whole in 4 months. She would die soon. Every sign pointed to it. I myself felt that I needed to die too. When she was gone, I would have nothing. Just a shell of her. Her body. Only her body. So that I could be reminded of how I could have saved the soul that once lived in that body. I could have saved the one who lived in there. I could have protected her. Okina was dead though. If I had gotten to him sooner, we would not be in our current state. Misao and I might have had something. We might have gone somewhere with our rocky relationship. But, Okina left us instead. He left us to fend off the demons we had inside. The extreme irony of it all though was that he had left us no weapons. We had only our breaking souls.
Suicidal thoughts flew through my head daily. The way of the kodachi would be more honorable, but I could always jump off of some cliff. I could always get myself into a fight and lose purposely. I could just slit my own throat or wrists. I did not begin to care after a while. I began to forget about the honor side of it. I only thought of the fastest way to get it over with and be gone. I did not care about the pain either. I just wanted to be taken out of the world. I just wanted to leave it and never come back. I wanted to never face the hurt it left me daily. I did not want to face it ever again. I hated myself for being such a coward, but I could think of nothing else.
My meditations were never the same as they had been before Okina. I could never clear my mind. I instead had images of the knife slicing over the vital vein and the blood spewing and my vision blurring. Or it would be of Misao's death bed. I hated those probably the most. I knew it would happen soon. I would not be prepared when it did happen. I would be even less prepared for the aftershocks on the Aoiya and myself. It would not be pretty. Everything would go to ruins. Nothing would be left for us. Nothing at all.
"Tell the truth you never wanted me"
I was awoken one morning by a voice. It was a familiar voice, but I knew I had not heard it in a long time. I opened my eyes slowly from my nightmares and above me my Misao sat. I gasped and blinked my eyes. Nothing anymore. Nothing but air space. I sat up in the futon and ran a hand through my bangs. I had nightmares of her nightly. I used to have lustful dreams, but I of course never pursued them. She was the little girl I had raised. I began to see her before the death of our Okina as a woman. She was no longer such a little girl. I had not had a lustful dream of her writhing under me in a long time though. It may have been for the best though. I could never stand those dreams.
I felt something looming behind me. A deep ominous feeling filled me as I got off the futon and slid the shoji opened. An empty hallway lay beyond the threshold. I walked down though, to Misao's room. I had not seen her in weeks. I knew that when I went in there, I would never come out again. At least alive.
I stood before the shoji. The dream was telling me to come. The feeling that I thought had stayed in my room followed me here. I did not feel like obeying it though. I wanted to run from her door and not have to face the reality. My Misao was dying. I just did not want to see it. I did not want to accept it.
I decided to slide the shoji open. I looked into the room and was immediately taken over by the smell. It was obvious that a sick person had stayed in here an extreme amount of time. It smelled of medicine, tears, and grief. Nothing but pure grief lay everywhere in the room. It was almost sickening. I was tempted to leave the door, but her moan of my name caught my attention quite quickly.
"Ao-shi. Aa-oo-shi." She started tossing in her sleep. "Jiya. JI-YA!" She was screaming now. I closed the door quickly and leapt to her side. She called out to her father and mother, my lost companions, but she always called back to me. I was in stupor at what to do. I had no idea of her medication and all were gone tonight. The Aoiya was simply Misao and I. I did the only rational thing in my head. I held her. I stroked her hair and whispered sweet noises into her ear. I kissed her hair and forehead lightly. She began to calm down a little, but her frail body soon became racked with chills.
"Tell me"
I placed her back under the many blankets covering the futon. I watched, hoping her frail, weak body would stop shaking. She did not. I grew desperate and got under the covers myself. I held her into my chest and kissed her lightly on her forehead. She moaned my name and snuggled closer to me. I smiled lightly and wished she was not sick with all my heart. I wished I could save her with my body, soul and mind. I prayed feverishly all night to the gods.
In the morning, she was sicker than ever.
I could not do much for her. She slipped in and out of sleeping and half sleeping. I tried waking her, but to no avail. She was dying slowly before my eyes. I would have to kill myself afterwards. I knew there was no way I could go through my life everyday, knowing that she had died in front of me, and I could do nothing. I was slowly getting some of the pain of that from my companions and Okina. I knew I would never be sane again if Misao died. She was all I had left. She was what I went about the days for now. She was everything. Yet, she did not know she held the strings of my life. She determined my death time. I just tried preparing myself as best I could for my Misao's death.
Misao thrashed in her sleep endlessly. I had to hold her constantly to me to settle her down a little bit. I tried desperately to wake her up from her miseries, but she refused. I wished I could save her from her inner demons as she had me. But, I could not. I could not reach her like she had reached me. I could not touch her heart, soul and mind like she had me. She was everything. She was it all for me. I could not go on living without her. It was plain and simple as that. I knew it well. My Misao was my reason that I was still alive now.
"In my dreams I'm jealous all the time"
Misao lay still for a few moments. I bit my lip to keep from making a sound. She was dead. I knew she would leave me soon. I was so frightened. She had left me know. She would never come back. She could never come back. She was all gone from me. I had not chance to live anymore. I felt like killing myself now. I could think of nothing else to do.
I knew Misao would not like for me to do so. I knew she wanted me to be happy, and to not die for her sake. I knew she wanted me to stay here. But, to make me happy, I would have to die. That would be the only way I could be happy. I knew that now. I had wished I had told her how I felt about her though. My Misao had died without knowing of how much I loved her and how much I wished I could have cared for her. She had left me. I was alone again. I was alone wishing for companionship yet again. I had no where to go but death. So, why was I dawdling? Why wasn't I grabbing some sharp object and slicing myself? I could not figure out why. I started asking more and more questions to myself. I could not help but ask. I wanted to hurry and get it done, but the feeling came over me again.
I looked down and did not see a dead Misao. She had slow, easy breaths coming from her lips. I was so joyous! I had thought I had lost my Misao at that moment. I would have killed myself and she might have lived. She might have noticed my body and then killed herself to be with me. She was almost as irrational as I was. I would have never wanted her to follow me like that though. Just as she for me. I lay her slowly down to her futon and tried not to hurt her or disrupt her breathing at any moment.
"As I wake I'm going out of my mind"
When I saw the eyelids flicker, I froze. I was screaming for joy inside. She might actually live. She could prove every doctor wrong in the city. My Misao could live, and I by her side, if she would still take me. But my thoughts were interrupted by her voice.
"Ao-shi. Aoshi, what has happened to me?" She looked almost frightened.
"You are sick. Horribly sick. I have been taking care of you since last night. You have been sick though for about 4 weeks." I tried not speaking to terribly fast or complex for her.
"And, where are the others?" Misao simply asked.
"Gone. Went out somewhere." I answered.
"With Okina?" Her words captivated me. She knew nothing of Okina's death. She knew nothing of her illness. The doctor had once said something of this. Before death, the victim forgets things that happened previously. Many hallucinate or go insane. It is a supposed sign that death is soon. My Misao. My Misao...would be going soon.
"Okina has left us." I said simply.
"Oh" was all she said. I was happy that she did not say anything more, for the shock would probably kill her.
"Misao, you are fatally sick. The doctors think you will die quite soon." I knew I had worry in my eyes. Her own eyes began to have liquid crystals forming around them as her tears fell. She grabbed at my yukata and held me to her.
"I love you, Aoshi. I love you, Aoshi. I love you, Aoshi..." She kept repeating it over and over, as if in a trance.
"Misao, I love you too." She gaped at this. She remembered that I had said that I did not love her and never would. "I really do love you, my Misao. I will kill myself when you die."
"Please don't." I knew Misao would say it. I knew she would. "I want you to be happy."
"I'm only truly happy when I'm with you."
"Going out of my mind"
Shrieks conjured from her as she felt a considerable amount of pain all over. She was going through striking amounts of pain. I knew she would soon go. I knew it was soon. I held her close. I breathed her in and tried to memorize everything about her in those final moments. I did not want to forget anything. I did not want to forget her at all. I wanted her memory to always be fresh. I did not want her to go. I did not want to be alone anymore. I had just found a new life. Why did it all have to end so quickly?
Misao began to spew blood and I knew it was over. Her lung would soon cave in. It indeed did. No more than two seconds later, her breathing became raspy. She struggling words out of her mouth, but I could not decipher them. Misao tried frantically to clear her words to me, but she just made me even more lost. I felt something like tears form around my eyes and I stared down at the woman in my arms. She looked up at me and stopped trying to talk. Instead, she gave me one of her famous smiles, and lay limp in my arms. I cried my heart out into her body after I got over the shock.
I groped around the room for something sharp, laying Misao's body back on her futon. She looked so peaceful. I would soon join her. I knew it.
I found Misao's kunai. They would work perfectly. I unwrapped them slowly. I made everything slow and deliberate. I could not rush frantically into this. It would not help anyone. I may not kill myself well enough and then I could be forced by others to live out my days. I cleared my head instead to make sure I would do everything properly.
I looked down at my wrist. My beautiful wrist that I had become infatuated with now. I felt a great stress rise off of me as I brought the kunai down, and all of a sudden, all I felt was air passing out of my lungs and my body trying to grab air in. Instead, I closed my eyes and saw only my Misao.
End