Speechless
By: StarlightFlare
Details:
Rated: PG | Word Count: 2536
Spoilers: "Butterflied". Nothing is really given away though.
Summary: Grissom has to come to terms with loosing his hearing and the career he made his life. G/S
Disclaimer: CBS owns the CSI characters. I do not own the CSI characters and I have nothing except student loans to be sued for. Do you want my student loans because I'm willing to give up my debt?
Speechless
The sound of a desk being thrown over and glass being broken was what gathered the crowd out side of Gil Grissom's office, but it was the gathering of the crowd that drew Catherine Willows to the scene. "Hey, nothing to see here. Get back to work!" The crowd scattered away like rats from a flame. Willows took a minuet before she decided to enter.
She unlocked the office door, entered, and then quickly shut the door behind her. Grissom was throwing everything that wasn't alive, or once alive, around in a hefty rage. "Whoa, whoa Grissom!" Grissom continued as if he didn't hear her. "You gotta calm down Gil!" Willows shouted at the top of her lungs. He stopped and looked at Catherine like the World was coming to an end. His breathing staggered and for the first time Grissom felt the pain from the wound on his right hand. He cradled it. Willows walked carefully through the mess and put an arm on Grissom's shoulder. "Hey take it easy," she said while looking down at Grissom's wound.
"Look at me," Grissom angrily stressed.
His hearing. "How bad is it?" Willows said while looking directly into Grissom's watery eyes.
"It's bad Catherine." Grissom looked away for only a moment. His voice was off. "I'm loosing it."
"Apparently." Grissom stepped away from Willows braking something in his path. He didn't watch her response.
"My whole life is fading away and there's not a damn thing that can be done about it." Willows followed him, forcing him to read her lips.
"Your hearing?" Grissom was silent. "Come on. Let's get that hand dressed and you out of here." Grissom didn't say anything.
The two pushed through the scattering crowd of eavesdroppers and went to the first aid kit in the supply closet. Willows gently dressed Grissom's slash. "It's going to be okay you know?"
*
Willows drove Grissom from the lab to a bar on East Sunset called 'Murphy's Pub'. It took an hour to get through traffic. The Las Vegas accident rate was going up. "Why here?" Grissom asked.
"Because I've never been here and you need a drink." Willows also thought that no one they recognized would go to a karaoke, sports bar. She unbuckled and opened her door.
Grissom looked at her in a 'you've got to be kidding' manor. "This is a sports bar."
"You coming?" She wasn't sure he made out what she said.
"The background noise in there is going to force me to have to read your lips. You'll have to face me." Grissom warned. Catherine got out and shut the door. Grissom did the same.
Inside the two sat at a table facing each other. The air was musty and smoky and the room was packed. They ordered their drinks. Willows ordered a Coke and Grissom ordered a shot of vodka. "How did you know it was my hearing?" Grissom asked.
"Just a guess." Willows knew Grissom's mom was deaf and that the chance was there. Their dinks came and Grissom threw back his shot with the waiter still standing there.
"Another one?" The waiter asked. Willows answered yes for him. "Keep them coming. He needs it."
"Gonna tell me how bad this is Griss?"
"I've lost sixty percent of my hearing and by the end of this year, I'll be completely deaf." Grissom couldn't hold in his frustrations any more. He needed to talk. "'Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love.' David McCullough. I can't do my job anymore, Cath, and it's my life."
"Look, Griss. It's not like you can't still work for the lab as an Entomologist. You could go back to being a coroner. And if that's not enough, you just need to find a new obsession." She tried to make it sound simple.
"Catherine, It's not just about bugs. They help me help the dead. My life is meaningless without my career and we both know that. I even turned down a chance at love for it. Without my work, everything that I've worked for means nothing. I'm nothing." Willows let out a deep, cleansing breath. She hated that how he felt.
"You'd still be helping the dead. Your life isn't over. You just hit a wall." The waiter brought Grissom his second shot. Grissom nodded to him, and forced it back.
"That's easy for you to say, you have a life outside of this. "Your daughter. It's not the same for me Cath, and we both know that."
"If you don't want to work in the lab you could always teach others."
"But I wouldn't be a CSI." Willows pep talk was failing and her pager was vibrating. She stood up.
"Wait here, I'll be right back." Grissom just gave her a blank stare.
Willows walked over to the Lady's room. She checked her pager.
'Hit a brake in the case,
Where is Grissom? Warrick.'
Willows put her pager back on her belt and dialed a number on her cell. "Hey Sara, it's Catherine."
*
After making a few phone calls and using the restroom, Willows came back to the table. "Back. Have you thought about what I said?" Grissom had four empty shot glasses in front of him.
"I have to quit soon. I want you to take over my case."
"Already done." Willows could tell just how bad Grissom thought things were when he handed over his case without something to replace it. "Gil?"
"Yeah?"
"It's gonna to be okay." There was a five-minuet silence between them. Grissom had another shot and Willows watched her friend tear up inside. Willows noticed Sara Sidle walking into 'Murphy's Pub'. She brushed Grissom's hand to get his attention. "You know what? I gotta go and get to work on that case." Willows stood up and put her coat on. She placed a $10 bill on the table. "You figure it out."
Grissom was confused. "Don't I get a ride?"
"Sara'll give it to you. Don't shut her out," Willows warned
"Sara?" He didn't want Sidle to see him. It was too late. Willows was walking away from the table. Grissom notice Sidle.
*
Sidle entered 'Murphy's Pub' at the request of her co-worker, Willows. Willows told her Grissom needed her. He needed a ride and someone to talk to. Sidle wasn't so sure she was the best choice. She searched the room, but Willows had found her first. "Sara." Sidle heard her name. It was Willows.
"What's wrong with him?" Sidle asked.
Willows hesitated. "I'll let him tell you." To make sure there were less communication problems, she added, "Just make sure you're looking directly at him when you speak. Oh and don't leave him alone." Willows wasn't sure why she said that, but it wouldn't hurt.
Sidle was confused. "What?"
"There is a coke that I didn't touch on the table. You're welcome to it. Gotta go. Big case."
Sidle couldn't get over how weird this was. She walked over to her boss' table. Sidle sat down, in Willows' seat. "What did she tell you?" Grissom asked.
"Just that you needed a ride and to keep eye contact when I talk to you." Sidle took a sip of the watery coke. Her eyes never left his face.
"Ready then?" Grissom Rushed.
"Sure. Home?" Sidle asked. The shot glasses told her he shouldn't be taken to his vehicle.
"I don't want to go there." Grissom was obviously upset and Sidle had no idea why.
"Well those shot glasses tell me you shouldn't drive."
"I don't care where you take me. Just get me out of here Sara." Sidle noticed karaoke was about to start. They stood up and Grissom put two twenty-dollar bills next to Willows' ten. Sidle just let the big tip go. She led the way, out the door and to her vehicle.
*
The car ride was silent. Sidle pulled up into her parking space at her apartment building. She turned off her vehicle and unbuckled. "Your apartment?"
Sidle looked at Grissom's face. "Can you think of a better place?" She asked. "You didn't want to go home, but I figured you'd need a place to sleep it off." Grissom was silent. "Gonna tell me what's wrong?" She wasn't sure she wanted to know.
"Catherine told you to stay with me, didn't she?" He figured that was why Sidle didn't take him for coffee instead.
Grissom's voice was slightly off and slurred from the alcohol. "She's worried. I'm worried." The night was getting colder and Sidle wanted to get inside. "Look, you don't have to tell me. Let's just go inside." Grissom undid his seatbelt. They got out of the car and went up to Sidle's apartment.
"Nice place," Grissom said. The apartment was a bit cluttered. Magazines, catalogs, and mail were piled on every surface. Sidle's desk was the worst. At one point her catalog-workaholic-lifeless days were over, but slowly she went back to her old habits.
"Thanks. Can I get you anything?" Sidle put her purse and keys down on the counter.
Grissom sad down on a barstool on the other side of Sidle's counter so he could face her. "Water is fine. Thank you." Sidle got a bottle of Fiji from her fridge.
"I could make you something to eat. A salad or I have Boca Burgers." She offered hoping that Grissom wasn't going to puke.
"No Thanks." Grissom drank the entire bottle. "You know, I'm getting tired."
"You can have my bed. I'll take the couch." Sidle offered. She was trying to be a good hostess for her tipsy boss.
"No, it's your place. You can have the bed," he argued. Everything seemed to be an argument between Grissom and Sidle.
"Really, I insist. I'm not tired. Figured I'd watch some TV anyway." Sidle didn't sleep much.
Grissom gave up. "Show me the way." Sidle led the way through her living room, down the hall and into her bedroom. Grissom followed. He scanned the room then sat down on the bed. Sidle sat next to Grissom. They faced each other.
"Big bed," Grissom noted. "Toss and turn a lot?"
Sidle felt the urge to be defensive, but couldn't give in. "No, actually I stay in one place," she said. "Not sure why I got a king. Maybe I thought that I'd be sharing it someday." He wasn't in the mood for subtle hints of what would never happen. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Sidle turned her head slightly as she spoke. Grissom couldn't see her lips. He could only hear very soft sounds that echoed and were hard to make out. He touched her face with his hurt hand and moved it for her.
Sidle corrected herself. "Sorry, what's going on? What did you do to your hand?"
Grissom looked down at his hand. I accidentally cut it on some broken glass." Grissom saw no reason not to tell Sidle about his hearing. Everyone would find out eventually. "I'm going deaf. I have to quit my job."
Sidle couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I'm sorry," was all she could think to say.
Rage overwhelmed Grissom. "This is exactly what I didn't want," he yelled. Sidle stood up and took a step back, away from the bed. Her eyes still focused on his face.
"What?!" She shouted back. It wasn't until then that she thought of the neighbors.
"For you to feel sorry for me." Grissom's face was turning red and his eyes wee watering. He was either going to cry or tear her up. Sidle wouldn't stand for the latter.
"I don't feel sorry for you," She corrected. "God Grissom. Why does everything have to be an uphill battle with you?" Sidle began marching out of her room.
"Wait. I'm sorry," Grissom pleaded. Sidle turned around. He stood up to better see her face. "You know, even when I try to be a friend to you, you push me away. I'm getting really sick of this."
"Sara I."
Sidle wasn't going to let him brush things off. "Don't. You don't want me to feel sorry for you. Well, I don't want your pity. I know how you feel and I know what you're afraid of. I heard that speech you gave the doctor that killed the woman who looked like me. You're a damned fool."
Grissom underwent a revelation of sorts. He knew how he felt and the life that he was going to loose anyway was the only thing stopping him. Maybe it was the Vodka but he wanted her. "Sara. You're right."
She couldn't believe it. "What?"
"You're right," Grissom chickened out. "Back then I should have said yes to dinner. But I can't now. I have forty percent of my hearing left. By the end of the year, it'll be gone."
Sidle felt tears float up to her eyes. She fought the urge to cry and the urge to slap him. "Why?"
"I inherited Otosclerosis from my mother. That's how I learned to sign." Grissom knew it wasn't what Sidle wanted to hear.
"That's not what I asked." Sidle was glad he couldn't hear her cracking voice even though he saw her face.
"I can't Sara. Can't we just leave it at that?" he hated himself for pushing Sidle away.
Sidle wouldn't stand for it this time. "No, we can't. I know there is a part of you that wants this. Stop fighting me." Sidle couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. If anything she thought she sounded like an under budget, badly written, soap opera. Even so, she meant them. "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm not going to leave you for the next available CSI. I mean, what kind of a person do you take me for Grissom?" Sidle was talking so fast Grissom could only get half of what she was saying. Grissom got the gist of her words and she didn't care.
"You know, I really don't know what's stopping me anymore. You clear every excuse I come up with. But Sara, you've got to give me time. Time to adjust. Time figure out what I'm going to do?" This wasn't what Sidle wanted.
"Grissom.Gil, let's face it. Your definition of 'Time' is forever. Don't make me wait that long."
Grissom brushed his unbandaged hand across Sidle's cheek and then stroked her hair. He leaned in drawing her head to his, not sure why he was doing it or even if it was what was right. The kiss was soft and light. It seemed to go on longer then the few seconds it did. "What was that for?" Sidle asked.
"I guess only time will tell."
-----------------------------------
More to come.
By: StarlightFlare
Details:
Rated: PG | Word Count: 2536
Spoilers: "Butterflied". Nothing is really given away though.
Summary: Grissom has to come to terms with loosing his hearing and the career he made his life. G/S
Disclaimer: CBS owns the CSI characters. I do not own the CSI characters and I have nothing except student loans to be sued for. Do you want my student loans because I'm willing to give up my debt?
Speechless
The sound of a desk being thrown over and glass being broken was what gathered the crowd out side of Gil Grissom's office, but it was the gathering of the crowd that drew Catherine Willows to the scene. "Hey, nothing to see here. Get back to work!" The crowd scattered away like rats from a flame. Willows took a minuet before she decided to enter.
She unlocked the office door, entered, and then quickly shut the door behind her. Grissom was throwing everything that wasn't alive, or once alive, around in a hefty rage. "Whoa, whoa Grissom!" Grissom continued as if he didn't hear her. "You gotta calm down Gil!" Willows shouted at the top of her lungs. He stopped and looked at Catherine like the World was coming to an end. His breathing staggered and for the first time Grissom felt the pain from the wound on his right hand. He cradled it. Willows walked carefully through the mess and put an arm on Grissom's shoulder. "Hey take it easy," she said while looking down at Grissom's wound.
"Look at me," Grissom angrily stressed.
His hearing. "How bad is it?" Willows said while looking directly into Grissom's watery eyes.
"It's bad Catherine." Grissom looked away for only a moment. His voice was off. "I'm loosing it."
"Apparently." Grissom stepped away from Willows braking something in his path. He didn't watch her response.
"My whole life is fading away and there's not a damn thing that can be done about it." Willows followed him, forcing him to read her lips.
"Your hearing?" Grissom was silent. "Come on. Let's get that hand dressed and you out of here." Grissom didn't say anything.
The two pushed through the scattering crowd of eavesdroppers and went to the first aid kit in the supply closet. Willows gently dressed Grissom's slash. "It's going to be okay you know?"
*
Willows drove Grissom from the lab to a bar on East Sunset called 'Murphy's Pub'. It took an hour to get through traffic. The Las Vegas accident rate was going up. "Why here?" Grissom asked.
"Because I've never been here and you need a drink." Willows also thought that no one they recognized would go to a karaoke, sports bar. She unbuckled and opened her door.
Grissom looked at her in a 'you've got to be kidding' manor. "This is a sports bar."
"You coming?" She wasn't sure he made out what she said.
"The background noise in there is going to force me to have to read your lips. You'll have to face me." Grissom warned. Catherine got out and shut the door. Grissom did the same.
Inside the two sat at a table facing each other. The air was musty and smoky and the room was packed. They ordered their drinks. Willows ordered a Coke and Grissom ordered a shot of vodka. "How did you know it was my hearing?" Grissom asked.
"Just a guess." Willows knew Grissom's mom was deaf and that the chance was there. Their dinks came and Grissom threw back his shot with the waiter still standing there.
"Another one?" The waiter asked. Willows answered yes for him. "Keep them coming. He needs it."
"Gonna tell me how bad this is Griss?"
"I've lost sixty percent of my hearing and by the end of this year, I'll be completely deaf." Grissom couldn't hold in his frustrations any more. He needed to talk. "'Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love.' David McCullough. I can't do my job anymore, Cath, and it's my life."
"Look, Griss. It's not like you can't still work for the lab as an Entomologist. You could go back to being a coroner. And if that's not enough, you just need to find a new obsession." She tried to make it sound simple.
"Catherine, It's not just about bugs. They help me help the dead. My life is meaningless without my career and we both know that. I even turned down a chance at love for it. Without my work, everything that I've worked for means nothing. I'm nothing." Willows let out a deep, cleansing breath. She hated that how he felt.
"You'd still be helping the dead. Your life isn't over. You just hit a wall." The waiter brought Grissom his second shot. Grissom nodded to him, and forced it back.
"That's easy for you to say, you have a life outside of this. "Your daughter. It's not the same for me Cath, and we both know that."
"If you don't want to work in the lab you could always teach others."
"But I wouldn't be a CSI." Willows pep talk was failing and her pager was vibrating. She stood up.
"Wait here, I'll be right back." Grissom just gave her a blank stare.
Willows walked over to the Lady's room. She checked her pager.
'Hit a brake in the case,
Where is Grissom? Warrick.'
Willows put her pager back on her belt and dialed a number on her cell. "Hey Sara, it's Catherine."
*
After making a few phone calls and using the restroom, Willows came back to the table. "Back. Have you thought about what I said?" Grissom had four empty shot glasses in front of him.
"I have to quit soon. I want you to take over my case."
"Already done." Willows could tell just how bad Grissom thought things were when he handed over his case without something to replace it. "Gil?"
"Yeah?"
"It's gonna to be okay." There was a five-minuet silence between them. Grissom had another shot and Willows watched her friend tear up inside. Willows noticed Sara Sidle walking into 'Murphy's Pub'. She brushed Grissom's hand to get his attention. "You know what? I gotta go and get to work on that case." Willows stood up and put her coat on. She placed a $10 bill on the table. "You figure it out."
Grissom was confused. "Don't I get a ride?"
"Sara'll give it to you. Don't shut her out," Willows warned
"Sara?" He didn't want Sidle to see him. It was too late. Willows was walking away from the table. Grissom notice Sidle.
*
Sidle entered 'Murphy's Pub' at the request of her co-worker, Willows. Willows told her Grissom needed her. He needed a ride and someone to talk to. Sidle wasn't so sure she was the best choice. She searched the room, but Willows had found her first. "Sara." Sidle heard her name. It was Willows.
"What's wrong with him?" Sidle asked.
Willows hesitated. "I'll let him tell you." To make sure there were less communication problems, she added, "Just make sure you're looking directly at him when you speak. Oh and don't leave him alone." Willows wasn't sure why she said that, but it wouldn't hurt.
Sidle was confused. "What?"
"There is a coke that I didn't touch on the table. You're welcome to it. Gotta go. Big case."
Sidle couldn't get over how weird this was. She walked over to her boss' table. Sidle sat down, in Willows' seat. "What did she tell you?" Grissom asked.
"Just that you needed a ride and to keep eye contact when I talk to you." Sidle took a sip of the watery coke. Her eyes never left his face.
"Ready then?" Grissom Rushed.
"Sure. Home?" Sidle asked. The shot glasses told her he shouldn't be taken to his vehicle.
"I don't want to go there." Grissom was obviously upset and Sidle had no idea why.
"Well those shot glasses tell me you shouldn't drive."
"I don't care where you take me. Just get me out of here Sara." Sidle noticed karaoke was about to start. They stood up and Grissom put two twenty-dollar bills next to Willows' ten. Sidle just let the big tip go. She led the way, out the door and to her vehicle.
*
The car ride was silent. Sidle pulled up into her parking space at her apartment building. She turned off her vehicle and unbuckled. "Your apartment?"
Sidle looked at Grissom's face. "Can you think of a better place?" She asked. "You didn't want to go home, but I figured you'd need a place to sleep it off." Grissom was silent. "Gonna tell me what's wrong?" She wasn't sure she wanted to know.
"Catherine told you to stay with me, didn't she?" He figured that was why Sidle didn't take him for coffee instead.
Grissom's voice was slightly off and slurred from the alcohol. "She's worried. I'm worried." The night was getting colder and Sidle wanted to get inside. "Look, you don't have to tell me. Let's just go inside." Grissom undid his seatbelt. They got out of the car and went up to Sidle's apartment.
"Nice place," Grissom said. The apartment was a bit cluttered. Magazines, catalogs, and mail were piled on every surface. Sidle's desk was the worst. At one point her catalog-workaholic-lifeless days were over, but slowly she went back to her old habits.
"Thanks. Can I get you anything?" Sidle put her purse and keys down on the counter.
Grissom sad down on a barstool on the other side of Sidle's counter so he could face her. "Water is fine. Thank you." Sidle got a bottle of Fiji from her fridge.
"I could make you something to eat. A salad or I have Boca Burgers." She offered hoping that Grissom wasn't going to puke.
"No Thanks." Grissom drank the entire bottle. "You know, I'm getting tired."
"You can have my bed. I'll take the couch." Sidle offered. She was trying to be a good hostess for her tipsy boss.
"No, it's your place. You can have the bed," he argued. Everything seemed to be an argument between Grissom and Sidle.
"Really, I insist. I'm not tired. Figured I'd watch some TV anyway." Sidle didn't sleep much.
Grissom gave up. "Show me the way." Sidle led the way through her living room, down the hall and into her bedroom. Grissom followed. He scanned the room then sat down on the bed. Sidle sat next to Grissom. They faced each other.
"Big bed," Grissom noted. "Toss and turn a lot?"
Sidle felt the urge to be defensive, but couldn't give in. "No, actually I stay in one place," she said. "Not sure why I got a king. Maybe I thought that I'd be sharing it someday." He wasn't in the mood for subtle hints of what would never happen. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Sidle turned her head slightly as she spoke. Grissom couldn't see her lips. He could only hear very soft sounds that echoed and were hard to make out. He touched her face with his hurt hand and moved it for her.
Sidle corrected herself. "Sorry, what's going on? What did you do to your hand?"
Grissom looked down at his hand. I accidentally cut it on some broken glass." Grissom saw no reason not to tell Sidle about his hearing. Everyone would find out eventually. "I'm going deaf. I have to quit my job."
Sidle couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I'm sorry," was all she could think to say.
Rage overwhelmed Grissom. "This is exactly what I didn't want," he yelled. Sidle stood up and took a step back, away from the bed. Her eyes still focused on his face.
"What?!" She shouted back. It wasn't until then that she thought of the neighbors.
"For you to feel sorry for me." Grissom's face was turning red and his eyes wee watering. He was either going to cry or tear her up. Sidle wouldn't stand for the latter.
"I don't feel sorry for you," She corrected. "God Grissom. Why does everything have to be an uphill battle with you?" Sidle began marching out of her room.
"Wait. I'm sorry," Grissom pleaded. Sidle turned around. He stood up to better see her face. "You know, even when I try to be a friend to you, you push me away. I'm getting really sick of this."
"Sara I."
Sidle wasn't going to let him brush things off. "Don't. You don't want me to feel sorry for you. Well, I don't want your pity. I know how you feel and I know what you're afraid of. I heard that speech you gave the doctor that killed the woman who looked like me. You're a damned fool."
Grissom underwent a revelation of sorts. He knew how he felt and the life that he was going to loose anyway was the only thing stopping him. Maybe it was the Vodka but he wanted her. "Sara. You're right."
She couldn't believe it. "What?"
"You're right," Grissom chickened out. "Back then I should have said yes to dinner. But I can't now. I have forty percent of my hearing left. By the end of the year, it'll be gone."
Sidle felt tears float up to her eyes. She fought the urge to cry and the urge to slap him. "Why?"
"I inherited Otosclerosis from my mother. That's how I learned to sign." Grissom knew it wasn't what Sidle wanted to hear.
"That's not what I asked." Sidle was glad he couldn't hear her cracking voice even though he saw her face.
"I can't Sara. Can't we just leave it at that?" he hated himself for pushing Sidle away.
Sidle wouldn't stand for it this time. "No, we can't. I know there is a part of you that wants this. Stop fighting me." Sidle couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. If anything she thought she sounded like an under budget, badly written, soap opera. Even so, she meant them. "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm not going to leave you for the next available CSI. I mean, what kind of a person do you take me for Grissom?" Sidle was talking so fast Grissom could only get half of what she was saying. Grissom got the gist of her words and she didn't care.
"You know, I really don't know what's stopping me anymore. You clear every excuse I come up with. But Sara, you've got to give me time. Time to adjust. Time figure out what I'm going to do?" This wasn't what Sidle wanted.
"Grissom.Gil, let's face it. Your definition of 'Time' is forever. Don't make me wait that long."
Grissom brushed his unbandaged hand across Sidle's cheek and then stroked her hair. He leaned in drawing her head to his, not sure why he was doing it or even if it was what was right. The kiss was soft and light. It seemed to go on longer then the few seconds it did. "What was that for?" Sidle asked.
"I guess only time will tell."
-----------------------------------
More to come.