So onward the four traveled through the Dark Forest of Ewing, while the background music grew ever more ominous. They came at last to a dark, foreboding cave, surrounded by bones and discarded armor.
"Beware, kind sirs, for ahead lies the Black Beast. It is very dangerous. My parents once came to this forest to try to vanquish it and were eaten, all that remains of them are those bones and a few chocolate sprinkles." Mary Sue seemed close to weeping.
"Chocolate sprinkles?" asked Gimli.
"Yes," she replied, "The foul beast slew them, and then ate them with chocolate sprinkles. It was most horrible to watch."
"Wait a minute, you were there at the time? How did you escape such an evil beast?" Legolas seemed confused, for surely if some creature had eaten her parents it would have been able to eat her too, and the world would have been a better place.
"I fell through a plot hole and escaped. But look, the Beast comes!" she pointed into the cave, where, sure enough, they could see something stirring.
Slowly, as the background music swelled to a climax, the Beast crept into the light, step by step, until, in all its horror was revealed …. The Black Beast of Caer Bannog! He scratched one ear with an air of silent menace.
"IT'S A BLOODY RABBIT!!!" Gimli yelled. And so it was, a large, black, furry rabbit with floppy ears and a tiny pink nose.
"Not just any rabbit, I'll have you know, that is the most foul tempered rabbit that ever lived! Beware, for Death comes for you with Big Pointy Teeth!" She replied. The rabbit did have teeth that were slightly more carnivorous than you would expect, but still…
"It's a rabbit, you stupid bint!" Gimli shouted at her.
"Gimli, do not harass the feeble minded. She is obviously insane. If you would go slay the rabbit, we can make some stew and camp here for the night. Our supplies run low." Aragorn commanded.
Still grumbling, Gimli grabbed his axe and rushed into the cave. A fierce battle ensued. The rabbit, weaving and biting, seemed to be holding its own while Gimli tried desperately to hack off its head. Suddenly Gimli was saved when the rabbit, after years of eating opponents with chocolate sprinkles, suffered a massive heart attack and died. He chopped off its head, just to make sure, and sat down on a convenient boulder.
"That was very brave and heroic of you, sir Dwarf. I know you did that out of love for me, and I appreciate the gesture, but…" Mary Sue began when Gimli interrupted her.
"Aragorn's right, you ARE insane." Gimli took out a knife and she stepped back. He began to skin the rabbit while he continued. "I already told you, I'm not interested, so you can just sod off. I killed this damn thing because he asked me to. Besides, I like rabbit stew. Why don't you make yourself useful and go find some wild onions or something?"
"Oh, I see," she narrowed her eyes, "I have to go find vegetables because I'm the woman, right?"
"No," Legolas replied, while trying to start the fire, "You have to go find vegetables because none of us want you around, and if we can't be rid of you, you may as well be useful."
Mary Sue stalked off into the forest.
"Not very tactful, gentlemen, but at least it was effective. She is out of our way so we can pitch camp." Aragorn said.
"Do you think we should have warned her about the orcs and giant spiders?" asked Legolas.
They all looked at each other.
"Nah."