Disclaimer: some things are mine, others are not…
A/N: okay, yeah I know that last chapter was pretty short, but I didn't feel like putting more in. So, I'm sure this one will be longer! Happy reading! Oh, and any songs/poems, unless otherwise specified, are mine.
The next morning- Sunday morning- Ginny woke early, which had become habit for her. She put on a pair of jeans and a blue sweater and was just about to grab her cloak to go to the lake when she remembered that she didn't have her journal anymore. Choking back a small sob, she decided instead to go to the guitar room. She grabbed her folder that she kept her guitar tabs and chords in and headed out. About ten minutes later she arrived and sat down to play. She was feeling kind of down and the words just strung together as they flowed from her mouth.
I wish I knew why things have to be this way
But they just do
Sometimes things just don't work out
Like we want them to
They always say let nature take its course
But what do they know anyway?
Maybe its just one of those days
Where things just don't go right
So maybe we should sit back, and wait
Don't struggle don't fight
Let everything wash by
Cause its just one of those days
Bad day you say? Things happen
What are you goanna do about it?
Maybe that's how its supposed to go
So you missed this one hit
They say everything happens for a reason
But who are they anyway?
Maybe its just one of those days
Where things just don't go right
So maybe we should sit back, and wait
Don't struggle don't fight
Let everything wash by
Cause its just one of those days
Just one of those days
Its just one of those days
Let everything wash by
Cause its just one of those days
As the last note rang throughout the room Ginny gave a start at a noise behind her…
"That was absolutely beautiful Virginia," spoke the kind voice of Dumbledore. Ginny gave a small scream and turned around to see the Headmaster standing in the doorway, his blue eyes twinkling.
"Oh, I, uh, thanks…am I in trouble?" Ginny managed to get out before turning a bright hue of red.
"No, no my child," Dumbledore let out a small chuckle, " I have been watching you play now for the past couple of weeks. You are quite the natural, you have learned extremely quickly, and I would like you to take that guitar with you, so that you may continue to use your talent without the threat of Filch giving you detention."
"Really Professor? Thank you so much, this means a lot to me, and I'm sorry for coming here without permission and I- thank you!" Ginny said.
"Slow down Virginia, it's alright. Now be on your way, and I hope you continue to pursue your guitar playing!"
"Thank you!" said Ginny, running back to the Common Room with her guitar. She looked up at the clock above the fireplace to see that it was only 6:30 in the morning. No wonder nobody else is up…But again she was surprised by the tall black-haired one we call Orion…
"Hey, Gin! We gotta stop meeting like this, I'm telling you, one day someone might catch us!!!"
"Morning Orion! Shouldn't you be asleep? What time did you go to bed last night?" asked a somewhat out of breath Ginny.
"Oh, I've never been much of a sleeping in kind of person, I live on pure adrenaline! Hey is that your guitar? Pretty ultimate!"
"Oh yeah, thanks!" Ginny replied, proudly showing him her new (well new to her) guitar.
"Well, I'd love to hear you play something but, I gotta go down to the Great Hall- Harry wanted to have some extra practice thing start to prepare for our next match against Slytherin, and I am starving! You wanna join me?" Orion asked her, blushing slightly.
"Uh, yeah sure! I'll be right back okay?" Ginny ran off to put her guitar in her room and then she and Orion set off for the Great Hall. By the time they got there and started eating the rest of the Quidditch team was beginning to show up- most of them messy-haired and groggy. Apparently, they weren't to happy about Harry's new practice time.
"Come on you guys! We have got to practice for the upcoming game- Slytherin is like us- all of their players left last year, and Malfoy is now the Captain…" Ginny heard Harry say Malfoy and she looked quickly over to where he usually sat at the Slytherin table; but to her relief, he hadn't arrived yet. In fact, after Orion had said goodbye to her, and the rest of the team left- Ginny didn't see Malfoy come to breakfast at all. Even though Ginny hated him, she wondered if something had happened to him. She hadn't really thought about what happened the night before and now she found the whole thing to be odd. She was mad at Draco for throwing her journal into the fire, but then she thought about what he saw and then what he showed her. He cut and now he knew that she did as well. Ginny never thought that she would ever have anything in common with Malfoy, but now it seemed as though there was more to Malfoy than she knew…or wanted to. Contemplating about what might drive Malfoy to cut, Ginny slowly walked back to her room. When she got there, she saw her guitar lying on her bed- and she picked it up; but resisting the urge to play it, she set it aside, magicking a stand for it. She had a four-foot essay to do for Potions and she had to translate a speech into five different languages for her Study of Modern World Culture class. Starting in on her homework she didn't realize that Malfoy was sitting in his room, thinking about her at that very moment.
Malfoy had woken up that morning feeling good, that is, until recollection of the night before came flooding back to him. Then he felt confused, mad and guilty- that's what got him the most- the guilt. He had done tons of mean and evil things to people in his life- and he had never felt guilt before, so why did this time have to be different? Why is Ginny so different from all the other little freaks that I torture on a daily basis? This question had been frustrating him for the past couple of weeks; she countered all of his insults, threw curses at him, which none other than Harry Potter and his sidekick Weasel dared to do, and she practically shot him down every time that he tried to approach her! Why was she different? He now knew; it was because she was like him. This thought scared him though, and he didn't do scared. Nor did he do guilt; but that's exactly what he felt when he heard the anguish in her scream and the look of loss on her face when she had come out of that dungeon the previous night. Malfoy hated feeling as though he owed anybody anything, expecially an apology, but in this case, he felt that unless he did something, Ginny and him would continue to fued like this for the rest of the year. Not that it really bothered him, but for some reason, now that he knew that she cut, and had read what she wrote, he felt as though she didn't need anymore pain in her life. So, he took out a piece of paper and started writing. When he was finished with his letter he folded it and went up to the owlery. Upon arriving he found his owl Inari, tied the letter to her foot, and sent her off with a hoot.
~*~*~
Ginny had almost fallen asleep on her homework when she had heard a loud rapping noise on her window. She turned around to see a large black, grey and white owl, with big red eyes. She walked to the window and let the bird in; taking the note off of her foot she gave her some water and let her back out. Walking over to her bed, she sat down and opened the letter. The letter was short and the familiar green writing read:
Virginia- meet me by the lake at ten tonight. D.M.
And here we go again… But Ginny found it odd how he actually called her by her name, her whole first name. She decided to go, he sounded serious, and she didn't want to make him mad again. She hated feeling as though he had more power than her, she felt helpless, but then she realized that's how it had always been. She had always been the weaker one, against anyone, against everyone. Pretty soon she had herself looking pretty glum, but instead of going to other things to relieve her pain, she picked up her guitar. She played for hours, even through dinner and only stopped when she realized that it was about a half an hour before she had to go. She felt so relaxed, and comfortable when she was playing that she didn't even realize that her stomach had been growling like mad. So she snuck down to the kitchens and bummed some food off of the elves before heading out to the lake.
As she rounded on the lake, Ginny saw Draco standing, lit by the moon, with his robes rippled by the wind. He looked…different, almost frightening. This thought made a small chill run down Ginny's side, but she quickly pushed it aside as she stepped up beside him. He turned to face her and instead of the cold icy stare he usually looked at her with, tonight it was replaced with an empty, confused, torn look. He held something out to her and she looked down to see that it was her journal, and on top of it; her knife. She felt tears come to her eyes and she looked down, not wanting Malfoy to see. She heard him quietly say "sorry" and she looked up at him. Now he looked away, feeling uncomfortable looking at the tears in her eyes, but then looked back into their deep green depths.
"Why?" he asked softly, "Why do you cut yourself?"
"I could ask you the same…" but it wasn't the usual cold voice that she used around him, it was more of a curious tone, "did you read my journal Draco?" He looked up when she used his real name, and nodded slightly.
"Then you should know. All the stuff I write about in this," she said, motioning to her journal, "all the feelings and emotions that I pour into these poems; they are what I feel, they are what I am Draco. That's why I cut." Then she turned around and walked back up to the castle. When she was a couple of feet away she turned around, and Draco could see the tears running freely down her face.
"Thank you." she said.
~*~*~
Draco had been left standing by the lake feeling emotionally drained. He didn't know what to think anymore; Ginny had brought out feelings in him that he was never allowed to recognize before, he had always pushed them to the back of his mind. But he had to address them now, and he wasn't sure how; the confusion, loneliness, misery, all the things that he had seen in Ginny's eyes were just a reflection of himself. He had never had to deal with these kind of emotions before, and he was right in thinking that it only resulted in pain. But this wasn't the physical pain that he was used to feeling, and the empty overwhelming pain that he now felt was becoming to much for him. But then he remembered that he had his knife back, and went to the only way he knew how to deal with the pain. He cut himself.
~*~*~
Ginny slowly walked up to the castle, and to the common room, where tonight- it was completely empty. She was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted; the ordeal with Malfoy had left her drained and confused. She was unsure of what to think of him; he had hurt her so much over the past few weeks, and even though she would never admit it, the taunting, insults and glares had gotten to her. But then he had to turn around and be kind to her… she supposed that was Malfoy's way of being kind…and the way he talked to her earlier. No insulting, no sneering at her, he sounded almost defeated- as though he had given up; on what though, Ginny wasn't sure. He seemed so different that night, like human. He must have made an extra copy of her journal and thrown one of them in the fire… which meant that he had been planning to give it back to her before last night. But why? Why would he do something so…er…nice? He could have just thrown the journal into the fire and left without a care- that would have been the typical Malfoy way…but seeing as he didn't, that meant he did care… But why??? All of these questions and thoughts swirled around in Ginny's mind and she fell into a deep, but troubled sleep.
~*~*~
The next morning Ginny woke up, got dressed in her school robes, grabbed her bag and went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. She sat next to Orion and they compared the homework they had for their Study of Modern World Culture class; she hadn't realized it before, but he was in all of her classes except Transfigurations and Potions. He was taking the same advanced classes as her though, which she found good because she had someone to compare notes with. She found it odd though, how smart he was, and yet how he always got into trouble…well, she guessed some people just have it all like that. She looked over to the Slytherin table and saw Draco looking at her with the same look as the night before. She looked away, but knew that he had not, she could feel his eyes on her.
"I'm sorry, Orion, I, uh forgot a book in my room and I have to go get it" Ginny said hurriedly, getting up from the table. She had to get away from Malfoy's penetrating gaze, but she hadn't realized that after she left the hall, Malfoy got up and followed her.
"Hey!" He grabbed her arm and turned her to face him.
"Malfoy! Let go of me! What do you want??" she asked extremely irritated and somewhat startled my Malfoy's sudden harsh actions. This was the Malfoy from before.
"I want to know why. What do you have to be so depressed about? What can be so horrible in your life that you feel the need to take it out on yourself?" he asked in a hushed, but urgent tone, making sure no one was around that could hear them. Ginny could tell that this had been bothering him…
"Look Malfoy, I don't know why you care about what I do to myself, why does it matter to you anyway?"
He gave a sigh of exasperation and she saw his shoulders drop in defeat.
"I, I don't know…because… because when I read your journal, I felt as though all those things you wrote about, were about me…" he trailed off. Ginny looked up at him and saw that he looked uncomfortable, he wasn't used to talking about his feelings, and it felt odd for him.
"Alright, um, I don't have time to talk now, but if you meet me tonight, same place, same time as last night, then we can talk." Then she turned around and walked away, just as all the other students started to pour out of the Great Hall, and Malfoy just stood there looking after her.
What did I just do? He thought to himself. He didn't know what had compelled him to follow her out of the Great Hall, or what made him ask Why? Now he had to go, it would be pointless not to; but once she told him her story, she would probably expect him to tell her his. Great Malfoy, just great.
So Ginny and Malfoy went about their days, not seeing each other again save for lunch and supper, and both having their planned meeting hovering in their minds throughout the day. Ginny had just finished her homework before she had realized that it was time to leave. She got up and went down to the seemingly empty common room, and out to the lake.
What she hadn't realized was that Orion was sitting in one of the armchairs by the fire. He had seen her leave all three nights, and he was kind of curious to know where she went every night. The second night he wasn't in the common room, but had been looking out the window when he saw her walk out to the lake. He wasn't going to follow her, but decided on waiting until she came back, and then he would casually ask her where she had been. He knew it really wasn't any of his business, but they had fast become friends; neither of them had had really close friends before, and he was slightly concerned about her. He also had sort of a crush on her, so the jealousy factor might have played in some…
Ginny was the first one out to the lake tonight, and she sat down on the shore while she waited for Malfoy. After about five minutes passed and she had to begin to think that he wasn't coming; Malfoy sat down beside her.
"Hey." he said without looking at her.
"Hey." was her response. She didn't really know what else to say…a somewhat awkward silence passed before she spoke again.
"So uh…" she started but at the same time Draco spoke as well.
"Hey, look…what I said earlier today," he started, sounding uncomfortable, "you really don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I guess I kind of got a little out of control…"
"No, that's okay, I'm still going to tell you, I feel like I have to. Normally, seeing as it's you, I wouldn't, but since you've read my journal, I feel like you're the only one who'll understand."
Oh great, this better not be some kind of sob story, he thought to himself, but his inner comment quickly vanished as he heard the earnestness in her voice.
"It's not some long dramatic traumatizing life story, so if you get bored or something just tell me to shut up. It's just that all throughout my life, I've been ignored you know? Like with my family- I'm the youngest, and the only girl, and with six boys running around the house, I guess my parents just never had time for me…I don't blame them. So, I just kind of lived for myself, I do what I have to do to get through the day. I've never really had any close friends…sure Harry and Hermione are around (at this Draco gave a small snort) but they're to busy always off trying to save the world. They have each other anyway. And I've always felt that I've never really had anything in common with other students in my year, or my classes. Besides, if I tried to make friends with any of them, most of them just ran off in fear or called me a freak. I assume you know why? (he nodded, still not looking at her) Ever since that whole incident with Voldemort, I've had trouble making any friends, and the few I had sort of drifted away from me. So for the past couple of years, I've been a loner, I guess. But sometimes it get to me, you know? I just feel so lonely, so empty…Then one day, the day you saw me in Hogsmeade, I had bought my knife. I hadn't had a real purpose for it, but a few days later, the day that Snape yelled at me and took like 100 some points; I had already been having a bad day, and then after I left Potions it didn't improve much, I wound up in some "forbidden hallway" and Filch gave me a detention for it… Things just kind of built up, nothing really dramatic happened, but I kind of just broke the last string. The first time I cut myself, it was accidentally- I had lain the knife on my bed and when I laid down, it cut my arm. I jumped up from the pain at first, but then I thought that it felt good. So I cut myself on purpose. The first time was probably the most I've ever cut myself. I made probably twenty or so cuts. I didn't really want it to become habit or anything, but after not cutting for a few days, I felt like I needed it. I was drawn to the pain- both the pain that it gave me, and the pain that it relieved. It's like a release for me. So now, it's just what I do when I feel really down… I get a rush when I cut, Draco. It makes me feel alive- and that's more than I can say for the rest of my life." She gave a hollow laugh.
"So, is that what you wanted? Did I answer all your questions?" she asked this with only slight contempt though, disgusted more with herself than Malfoy's curiosity.
"Yeah, I guess you did. And I guess now that you spilled out your story to me, you want the same in return." He stated, more a question than anything. He really hoped that she wouldn't ask to, and was relieved when she didn't ask to.
"Hey, that's ok, besides I have to go now. I just remembered that I forgot some homework for my Charms class. Maybe some other time though Malfoy. I'm sorry for boring you, I know my explanation wasn't the grand thing you probably thought it would be… see you later."
"Yeah, okay, Bye." He watched her walk back up to the castle, only this time he understood her sorrow, and what she wrote about. He took out another copy of her journal, one that he had made for himself, and read over some of her poems. Then he got up, went back to his room, and fell into a deep sleep.
Ginny walked back into the common room, she had been out almost an hour again… and all she wanted to do was go to sleep. But she really did have charms homework to do. She walked towards the stairway, but was stopped by a sleepy looking Orion.
"Hey Gin! So, I know that I don't really know you that well and all but, I have seen you leave for the past three nights now, and I was just wondering if everything was okay, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I was just kind of concerned and all and…yeah, I'll shut up now." He said all of this in one breath
"Um, okay" she wasn't really sure what to say to him, but she decided to tell him a slight variation of the truth. "I've been having a hard time sleeping lately, and so I've just been going out to the lake to take walks… it helps me to calm my nerves…" she hoped this worked.
Orion could tell that she wasn't telling him the whole truth, and he was kind of upset. But he decided that it really wasn't his place to question Ginny about her whereabouts, and went with what she said.
"Oh, okay then, I just wanted to make sure you were okay! Well, it is kinda late, and you probably want to go to bed now, so I guess I'll see you in the morning! Good night Gin!" He leapt up the stairs, leaving Ginny somewhat startled and confused. She shrugged it off though, and went up to her room and to sleep.
The next few days passed without incidence, but Ginny noticed in Potions and Transfigurations, that Draco seemed to be acting different towards her. While not exactly going out of his way to be nice; he also wasn't going out of his way to be the cruel insulting person that he usually was. She wasn't about to say anything to him though, she'd take that Malfoy any day over his other self.
For Malfoy, he now understood Ginny, but it made him feel weird that she had told him her story. He wasn't really sure how to react, but he felt like he owed her something in return. He was so confused; all of this didn't fit in with his way of thinking. He never had to address these kinds of thoughts before. He felt for Ginny, not sympathy, but more of an understanding, and a familiarity; he also felt as though he owed her something. And now he wasn't all to sure how to act around her. Damn it Malfoy! Why did you have to go and get involved with that stupid girl! She's ruining me! Why did I have to take that stupid journal. Why did we have to be similar? This was beginning to drive him crazy. He had to talk to her again. He didn't want to, but he did; he was in an argument with himself over Ginny. He never thought he would see the day! He didn't want Ginny to think anything, so he decided to wait awhile before meeting her again.
After a couple weeks had passed, the next Quidditch game was drawing near; it was to be a week away, the last week in November. Ginny hadn't talked to Malfoy outside of school since that night, and she thought that things might have started to settle down a bit. She and Orion hung out a lot together and they became close friends. They were probably the closest friends they had to each other. Sure Orion had lots of friends from his classes and the quidditch team; but that was just because he was the fun, funny guy, easy to hang around with. But no one really knew him, so he was glad that he had met Ginny. As for Ginny, she loved having Orion for a friend; he was her first really close friend; she told him a lot of things; minus the cutting bit, of course. She still did it, though not as much as she did before; usually one or two cuts quenched her need. Her music helped her a lot; and Orion did too, but sometimes she felt that those things just weren't enough; and that's when she went to her knife.
It was the Friday, the week before the quidditch match when it started going downhill for Ginny. She was walking to the library to take some books back, and when she was walking down the steps, they moved and she lost her balance and fell down them. She hit her head on the wall when she came to a stop and blacked out for a couple of seconds. When she came to, she saw Orion standing above her; his eyebrows knitted with worry.
"Gin! Are you okay??? I heard a loud noise when I was coming out of the library and I followed it and I turned the corner and I saw you lying on the ground. Are you okay?" Ginny thought he was so cute when he was worried; she nodded and he reached out to help her up when a look of horror came upon his face. Confused for a second, she looked to where he was looking; down at her arms. The sleeves of her robes fell back when she reached up to him and all of her cuts and scars were now in plain view.
"Gin, what happened?? Did you…did you do that to yourself???" Tears formed in her eyes and before she could stop them from falling, they came in torrents.
"Oh, Merlin! What the heck did you do to yourself?! I can't believe this…you- you actually cut yourself?! That's repulsive Weasley!" She flinched as he said her name; she was no longer Gin to him, it was now Weasley. As though she was just some generic brand of person. She hated it when people called her by her last name. She stood up without his help and glared at him.
"NO! You're repulsive, you don't even know me Orion!. You don't know what its like to be me! Do you have any idea at all, what it's like to be ignored, and shunned for your whole life? Yeah, I didn't think so; well, you know, I didn't expect you too! You've always had friends Orion, so just go; because I'm only one of the hundreds you have to choose from. You don't need me anyway, no one does. That's right; go ahead, I'm used to it- go and tell everyone, they already think I'm some kind of freak incapable of feeling any emotion. JUST GO!" Then she ran off, leaving him standing there open mouthed in shock.
Ginny ran. She didn't know where she was going, and she didn't care. She didn't care about anything at that moment. Orion knew about her cutting, the one thing that she had meant to keep from him forever. Just over the past couple of weeks they had become really close, or so she thought. She thought that he actually cared about her, but that incident showed her that he didn't care. He was just some other popular kid that could pick from any girl in the school that he wanted to, to hang out with. Why me? she thought to herself, her feet taking her out of the castle. I'm such an idiot!! I should have known… why would someone like Orion ever want to hang out with a freak like me?? I'm so freakin gullible, hah, it was probably some bet he made with his other friends…yeah let's see how long we can string along the freak, until we embarrass her in front of the whole school! How typical. Well, now he has what he wants- he knows. That one ought to entertain the masses for a while… Without realizing it, she had come to the lake, and now she sat down on the bank and took out her knife. If there was anytime that she felt that she needed it; it was now. Pulling up her sleeves she started recklessly slashing at her skin, cutting it haphazardly. She didn't care anymore; she had nothing; she had no friends. The only friend she thought she had turned out like the rest. Anytime they saw or heard something they didn't understand, they ran away or jumped to conclusions. They didn't even take the time to listen.
Orion stood rooted in the hallway, not fully realizing what he had just seen. She cuts herself… That was the only thing running through his brain at the moment. After about a minute or two, he shook himself, and remembered that Ginny wasn't standing in front of him anymore. Damn it! I am such an ass! He slapped himself mentally and ran off in the direction that he thought she might have gone. He ran back to the common room but found it empty of Ginny. He walked over to one of the windows, disgusted with himself, when he saw a small figure out by the lake. Ginny! He started to walk away to go to talk to her, when he saw another figure approaching her. He couldn't make out who specifically it was, but from the short hair that the figure had, he guessed it was a boy. Then he took off for the lake.
"So, what happened?" Draco's voice startled Ginny and she almost dropped her knife. She went to quickly pull her sleeves down but then remembered that Draco already knew about her. But he still seemed surprised when he walked around to sit beside her. The ground was red from all of the blood that had stained her arms and fallen from them. The cuts were numerous, scattered across both arms and hands. He looked up at her face and saw the tears silently streaming from her bloodshot eyes. She didn't look up at him, but continued to cut. He then grabbed her by the wrists and shook the knife from her grasp. He hadn't meant to hurt her, but there was nowhere to grab where there wasn't wounds. She gasped in pain and looked up at him, the emptiness in her eyes chilling even him.
"Tell me what happened." he said in a somewhat harsher tone than he meant to use. She wrenched away from him, the misery in her eyes flashing into anger.
"I don't have to tell you anything Malfoy, haven't you gotten enough out of me already? What do you want from me??!! Can't you just leave me alone?"
"Oh come of it, Weasley! Look at yourself! Look at what you're doing to yourself! No I can't leave you alone. Yeah, I know, I'm not any better than you, but look at what it's doing to you! What did you ever do to deserve such pain?" He couldn't believe that he was saying these things to her, where was this coming from. But he couldn't stop himself from saying what he felt.