New chapter! Yay me! Although it might be a little while before the next
one comes. . . essays to do. Stupid essays. Anyway, I don't own anything
here, the BtVS stuff is all Joss Whedon's [all hail King Joss], and the
LOTR stuff is JRR Tolkien's. The two songs are Don't Cry, Alt Lyrics (as
you know by now) and Estranged, both from the lyrical genius that is Axl
Rose and belonging to Guns N' Roses. Now I get on with the show, but not
before I mention that now those of you who have had both faith and patience
are about to be rewarded. Enjoy, ~Anoron
.
.
. CHAPTER TWELVE- ESTRANGED
// I know the things you wanted, they're not what you have
With all the people talking, it's driving you mad
If I was standing by you, how would you feel?
Knowing your love's decided and all love is real //
Dawn watched the blood oozing over her pale skin with complete detachment. The cuts were shallow, and not enough to end her sorry existence, but they would scar. She almost wished she had the strength to wish she had pressed down on the blade a little harder when she had slit each of her wrists twice. Once down each vein, once across to create two ugly red crosses, distorted by the blood streaking all over her forearms.
Eventually, the flow of blood stopped and she was able to wipe her forearms clean with a damp cloth. She looked from her broken skin to the vial sitting on her dresser, where Spike had placed it two days earlier. He wasn't here today- he had gone back to his crypt last night, and now had to wait for sunset to return. A part of Dawn knew Spike had left hoping to never see her again. And there it was, her chance to go home. The thing she had been working for, praying for, breathing for ever since she had been thrown back into hell, and now she didn't know if she could use it. She didn't think she deserved to be back in Legolas' arms, and every night when she dreamed of him, he was just a little further away from her, a little more out of her reach. Always leaving her, or blaming her for leaving him. She wasn't even sure he would want her back now, in fact, she actually believed he wouldn't. After all, look what she had become. An empty shell, scarred and worthless. And she just knew he falsely believed she was cheating on him with a vampire.
Slowly, she stood and made her way to the window. Outside, the world was lit in the pure beauty of the sunshine, but to Dawn there was only bleak, ashen grey. The world was more dead to her than the fields of Mordor, as she had seen them on the day the realm of Sauron was ended forever. Below, in the yard, she could see the others. Buffy, Willow, Xander, Giles and Tara all lounging about, enjoying the sun. Living. Content to stay and embrace their fate on the Hellmouth.
Dawn's face set in a grim line. "No," she told herself sternly. She would not allow herself to accept this empty fate. She had no purpose here, she never had. The others had no right, and no reason to bring her back here. Sunnydale was hell to her. Whether she deserved him or not, she needed Legolas, and she had to take her chances at returning to him, or die trying. Estel was right, she had promises to keep. And she was going to try.
She went to her desk and scrawled two simple notes, one in English, the other in Elvish. Folding one in half, she flew down into the basement and tucked it under Spike's pillow, hoping only he would find it, but knowing it wouldn't make a difference if the one of the others did.
Squaring her shoulders, she made her way back up to her room, closing the door softly behind her. After one last long stare at her once-family through the glass, she firmly tugged her curtains closed. The grey world was blocked out. She went to her stereo and fed a CD into the drive, pressing play and then repeat when it had loaded. She re-read the remaining note and left it on the dresser, in place of the vial she now held in her hand. Lying on the bed, she closed her eyes and downed the contents of the vial. She listened to the music which seemed to surround her, enveloping her in the bittersweet notes.
// When you're talking to yourself and nobody's home
You can fool yourself you came in this world alone
Alone
So nobody ever told you baby how it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
One, two
Old at heart but I'm only twenty eight
And I'm much too young to let love break my heart
Young at heart but it's getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart
I don't know how you're supposed to find me lately
And what more could you ask from me, hey
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me
Young at heart and it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I mustn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out
Still talking to myself and nobody's home
Alone
So nobody ever told us baby how it was gonna be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
When I find out all the reasons maybe I'll find another way
Find another day with all the changing seasons
Of my life maybe I'll get it right next time
And now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
And you don't walk so proud
Anymore
And what for
Well I jumped into the river too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own and drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
I see the storm is getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything we've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die?
I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it through this time
Oh this time without you
I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die //
"Dawny?" Buffy knocked on her sister's door. It was getting late. The sun had set and Dawn hadn't come out of her room all afternoon.
"She not opening her door?" Willow asked as she bounded up the stairs, Tara on her heels.
"Maybe we should check on her," Tara suggested.
Buffy turned the knob and pushed the door open. Dawn was on the bed, seemingly asleep. The CD player was blaring 'Estranged' by Guns N' Roses and the song was set on repeat. Buffy frowned to herself. Dawn had always thought that song was too depressing, and she *never* left a song on repeat; she got bored of it too easily that way.
"Dawny?" Buffy called, but her sister didn't stir in the slightest. She was so pale. All at once Buffy noticed that Dawn's unmoving hand was clenched around something and her lips were the most unnatural shade of blue.
"Oh no. No, no, no, no, no," she breathed, rushing to the bed.
Willow and Tara stepped into the room behind her.
"Oh God," they heard Tara say softly. She was staring at a piece of paper on the dresser, tears already springing to her eyes.
Buffy looked from Dawn's blue lips to the vial enclosed in her hand. A lump formed in her throat and once again she pushed her suspicions about their mistake in resurrecting Dawn firmly out of mind. They couldn't be true. None of this could be. She turned and snatched the paper from Tara, scanning the note quickly.
'I once said you made me feel like I belonged here, even though I knew I didn't. I know you tried to make me belong, but I don't. There is no purpose, no reason for me to be here. There is no life for me here. I'm back where I do belong now. ~DawnGSummers'
// Well I jumped into the river too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own and drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines... //
The lyrics, and their potent meaning reached Tara and she hurried over to turn the CD player off. The room almost exploded with the sudden silence. Buffy crumpled in a heap on the floor, staring at her sister's suicide note, confusion etched on her face in deep lines.
"What's the caper up here, luvs," Spike asked, walking into Dawn's room at that moment. Nobody acknowledged him, but it didn't matter to Spike as his eyes fell on Dawn's lifeless body and he recognised the stench of death in the air.
"Tarien," he whispered, but nobody heard his softened voice. He rushed to the bed, checking her over even though he'd known the second after he'd walked in that she was gone forever. Through the bittersweet tears already gathering in his eyes he glanced at the vial in her hand. Gently, he took it from her and folded her hands across her chest, as she'd once told him was the Elvish fashion for sleeping. Nobody noticed as he slipped the vial in the pocket of his duster.
Willow and Tara were crying openly by now. Buffy was still in shock. Spike was in the process of lifting her to a chair when Xander and Giles burst in.
"We were yelling for you," Xander was almost pouting at being ignored, and then was bumped aside my the middle-aged man rushing in behind him.
"Nobody was answering our calls," Giles puffed. Then the two men saw the body.
"Dear Lord," Giles moaned, whipping his glasses off his face.
Xander's lip trembled as he took the note from Buffy's hand and read it quickly. "Oh man." His voice was thick with tears already. "Poor Dawn. Little Dawny. . ." He took a closer look at the name scrawled hastily beneath the note.
"Hey. . . there's a 'G' in her name. What's that?" he frowned at the group.
None but Spike knew that 'G' stood for her husband's second name, 'Greenleaf', and that was a confidence he would never share with them, he vowed. Giles was beginning to collect himself, to take control.
"We shall have to take care of her. . ." he said softly, meaning the body.
Willow sniffled and shook her head. "We already failed at that, Giles. We brought her body out of hell, but we couldn't save her. She thinks she belongs there," she turned and sobbed in Tara's embrace.
Spike could stand to be with them no longer. Happy as he was that Dawn had gone home, and that at least some part of her still believed she deserved happiness, he couldn't help but mourn for her loss, yet again. He slipped unnoticed from Dawn's room and into the basement.
Once he was alone, the tears that had been threatening to consume him spilled forth in a tidal wave. He sank down on the bed and burrowed as deep as he could into the mattress to try and muffle his sobs. His hand slid under his pillow to grab at the sheets beneath, and he felt the unmistakable texture of paper against his skin. He pulled out a short, sweet note and choked his sobs back long enough to read.
'Hannon lle, amin anwa mellon. Amin quel Agaryulnaer. Amin nauva ten'oio lle Tarien. Namaarie, Alta Nquel.' [Thank you, my real friend. My good vampire. I will be forever your Princess. Farewell, Big Bad]
As Spike read, his tears dried and he managed a soft smile. "Namaarie, Little Bit," he whispered as he folded the note into his pocket. "Find your way Dawny, for the both of us."
* * * * *
~So. . . are we happy? Sad? Wondering where the hell our little Dawny really went? Dying to know what happens next? Wishing I had just put a bullet in her brain and made it easier? [You'd better not be thinking that last one!!] Either way, review and let me know. Thanks for reading, ~Anoron
.
. CHAPTER TWELVE- ESTRANGED
// I know the things you wanted, they're not what you have
With all the people talking, it's driving you mad
If I was standing by you, how would you feel?
Knowing your love's decided and all love is real //
Dawn watched the blood oozing over her pale skin with complete detachment. The cuts were shallow, and not enough to end her sorry existence, but they would scar. She almost wished she had the strength to wish she had pressed down on the blade a little harder when she had slit each of her wrists twice. Once down each vein, once across to create two ugly red crosses, distorted by the blood streaking all over her forearms.
Eventually, the flow of blood stopped and she was able to wipe her forearms clean with a damp cloth. She looked from her broken skin to the vial sitting on her dresser, where Spike had placed it two days earlier. He wasn't here today- he had gone back to his crypt last night, and now had to wait for sunset to return. A part of Dawn knew Spike had left hoping to never see her again. And there it was, her chance to go home. The thing she had been working for, praying for, breathing for ever since she had been thrown back into hell, and now she didn't know if she could use it. She didn't think she deserved to be back in Legolas' arms, and every night when she dreamed of him, he was just a little further away from her, a little more out of her reach. Always leaving her, or blaming her for leaving him. She wasn't even sure he would want her back now, in fact, she actually believed he wouldn't. After all, look what she had become. An empty shell, scarred and worthless. And she just knew he falsely believed she was cheating on him with a vampire.
Slowly, she stood and made her way to the window. Outside, the world was lit in the pure beauty of the sunshine, but to Dawn there was only bleak, ashen grey. The world was more dead to her than the fields of Mordor, as she had seen them on the day the realm of Sauron was ended forever. Below, in the yard, she could see the others. Buffy, Willow, Xander, Giles and Tara all lounging about, enjoying the sun. Living. Content to stay and embrace their fate on the Hellmouth.
Dawn's face set in a grim line. "No," she told herself sternly. She would not allow herself to accept this empty fate. She had no purpose here, she never had. The others had no right, and no reason to bring her back here. Sunnydale was hell to her. Whether she deserved him or not, she needed Legolas, and she had to take her chances at returning to him, or die trying. Estel was right, she had promises to keep. And she was going to try.
She went to her desk and scrawled two simple notes, one in English, the other in Elvish. Folding one in half, she flew down into the basement and tucked it under Spike's pillow, hoping only he would find it, but knowing it wouldn't make a difference if the one of the others did.
Squaring her shoulders, she made her way back up to her room, closing the door softly behind her. After one last long stare at her once-family through the glass, she firmly tugged her curtains closed. The grey world was blocked out. She went to her stereo and fed a CD into the drive, pressing play and then repeat when it had loaded. She re-read the remaining note and left it on the dresser, in place of the vial she now held in her hand. Lying on the bed, she closed her eyes and downed the contents of the vial. She listened to the music which seemed to surround her, enveloping her in the bittersweet notes.
// When you're talking to yourself and nobody's home
You can fool yourself you came in this world alone
Alone
So nobody ever told you baby how it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
One, two
Old at heart but I'm only twenty eight
And I'm much too young to let love break my heart
Young at heart but it's getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart
I don't know how you're supposed to find me lately
And what more could you ask from me, hey
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me
Young at heart and it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I mustn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out
Still talking to myself and nobody's home
Alone
So nobody ever told us baby how it was gonna be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
When I find out all the reasons maybe I'll find another way
Find another day with all the changing seasons
Of my life maybe I'll get it right next time
And now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
And you don't walk so proud
Anymore
And what for
Well I jumped into the river too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own and drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
I see the storm is getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything we've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die?
I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it through this time
Oh this time without you
I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die //
"Dawny?" Buffy knocked on her sister's door. It was getting late. The sun had set and Dawn hadn't come out of her room all afternoon.
"She not opening her door?" Willow asked as she bounded up the stairs, Tara on her heels.
"Maybe we should check on her," Tara suggested.
Buffy turned the knob and pushed the door open. Dawn was on the bed, seemingly asleep. The CD player was blaring 'Estranged' by Guns N' Roses and the song was set on repeat. Buffy frowned to herself. Dawn had always thought that song was too depressing, and she *never* left a song on repeat; she got bored of it too easily that way.
"Dawny?" Buffy called, but her sister didn't stir in the slightest. She was so pale. All at once Buffy noticed that Dawn's unmoving hand was clenched around something and her lips were the most unnatural shade of blue.
"Oh no. No, no, no, no, no," she breathed, rushing to the bed.
Willow and Tara stepped into the room behind her.
"Oh God," they heard Tara say softly. She was staring at a piece of paper on the dresser, tears already springing to her eyes.
Buffy looked from Dawn's blue lips to the vial enclosed in her hand. A lump formed in her throat and once again she pushed her suspicions about their mistake in resurrecting Dawn firmly out of mind. They couldn't be true. None of this could be. She turned and snatched the paper from Tara, scanning the note quickly.
'I once said you made me feel like I belonged here, even though I knew I didn't. I know you tried to make me belong, but I don't. There is no purpose, no reason for me to be here. There is no life for me here. I'm back where I do belong now. ~DawnGSummers'
// Well I jumped into the river too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own and drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines... //
The lyrics, and their potent meaning reached Tara and she hurried over to turn the CD player off. The room almost exploded with the sudden silence. Buffy crumpled in a heap on the floor, staring at her sister's suicide note, confusion etched on her face in deep lines.
"What's the caper up here, luvs," Spike asked, walking into Dawn's room at that moment. Nobody acknowledged him, but it didn't matter to Spike as his eyes fell on Dawn's lifeless body and he recognised the stench of death in the air.
"Tarien," he whispered, but nobody heard his softened voice. He rushed to the bed, checking her over even though he'd known the second after he'd walked in that she was gone forever. Through the bittersweet tears already gathering in his eyes he glanced at the vial in her hand. Gently, he took it from her and folded her hands across her chest, as she'd once told him was the Elvish fashion for sleeping. Nobody noticed as he slipped the vial in the pocket of his duster.
Willow and Tara were crying openly by now. Buffy was still in shock. Spike was in the process of lifting her to a chair when Xander and Giles burst in.
"We were yelling for you," Xander was almost pouting at being ignored, and then was bumped aside my the middle-aged man rushing in behind him.
"Nobody was answering our calls," Giles puffed. Then the two men saw the body.
"Dear Lord," Giles moaned, whipping his glasses off his face.
Xander's lip trembled as he took the note from Buffy's hand and read it quickly. "Oh man." His voice was thick with tears already. "Poor Dawn. Little Dawny. . ." He took a closer look at the name scrawled hastily beneath the note.
"Hey. . . there's a 'G' in her name. What's that?" he frowned at the group.
None but Spike knew that 'G' stood for her husband's second name, 'Greenleaf', and that was a confidence he would never share with them, he vowed. Giles was beginning to collect himself, to take control.
"We shall have to take care of her. . ." he said softly, meaning the body.
Willow sniffled and shook her head. "We already failed at that, Giles. We brought her body out of hell, but we couldn't save her. She thinks she belongs there," she turned and sobbed in Tara's embrace.
Spike could stand to be with them no longer. Happy as he was that Dawn had gone home, and that at least some part of her still believed she deserved happiness, he couldn't help but mourn for her loss, yet again. He slipped unnoticed from Dawn's room and into the basement.
Once he was alone, the tears that had been threatening to consume him spilled forth in a tidal wave. He sank down on the bed and burrowed as deep as he could into the mattress to try and muffle his sobs. His hand slid under his pillow to grab at the sheets beneath, and he felt the unmistakable texture of paper against his skin. He pulled out a short, sweet note and choked his sobs back long enough to read.
'Hannon lle, amin anwa mellon. Amin quel Agaryulnaer. Amin nauva ten'oio lle Tarien. Namaarie, Alta Nquel.' [Thank you, my real friend. My good vampire. I will be forever your Princess. Farewell, Big Bad]
As Spike read, his tears dried and he managed a soft smile. "Namaarie, Little Bit," he whispered as he folded the note into his pocket. "Find your way Dawny, for the both of us."
* * * * *
~So. . . are we happy? Sad? Wondering where the hell our little Dawny really went? Dying to know what happens next? Wishing I had just put a bullet in her brain and made it easier? [You'd better not be thinking that last one!!] Either way, review and let me know. Thanks for reading, ~Anoron