Chapter 108

Roger sat on the couch with a blanket around him. Here it was summer and he couldn't get warm he'd lost so much weight. He had hacked and coughed all the way through Collins' eighth grade graduation. More than once he had gotten so dizzy from it he thought he was going to pass out. And Cass had had no idea he had been wearing three shirts that night. She wanted him to go to the doctor four days ago. They had been fighting about it all week. But he knew the doctor would just put him in the hospital. And there was no way in hell he was missing Collin's graduation.

Finally he had agreed to go. Not so much as agreed as give in to the pressure from Cass, Mark and his mother. He couldn't stand looking at the scared look in her eyes. He missed his old Cass. Happy, crazy Cass. "Hey." He called to her, reaching out a hand as she walked by the couch.

"Hey yourself." She sat next to him. "Are you ready to go?"

He nodded. "I love you Baby."

"I love you too." She said leaning against him.

"Promise me something."

"Anything."

"Promise me you won't stay like this."

"Like what?" She looked up at him.

"All upset, tired, scared, freaked out, whatever you want to call it."

"What are you talking about?"

"Just promise you'll go back to being my beautiful, crazy, carefree Cass. Please?"

"Roger…"

"I'm not saying today, just don't stay all upset like this forever. I hate it when you cry. From the day I met you I've always hated it when you cried. I just don't want you to always be like this."

"Okay Baby." She tried to fight back the tears.

"Good enough." He kissed her. "Now lets go get this over with." He let her help him up and they headed to the doctor's.

*************

Roger was right, the doctor put him in the hospital. His cold was turning into pneumonia and even with everything they kept giving him, his lungs were still slowly filling up and it got harder and harder for him to breathe. He had already been here four days. He wanted to go home. Cass wanted him to stay. She kept holding onto that tiny hope that if he stayed he'd get at least somewhat better. Mark wouldn't commit either way.

The door opened and he looked up as Collin walked in. "Hey Buddy. How'd you get here?"

"I took the subway." He told him pulling a chair over to the bed.

"Alone? Does your mom know that?"

Collin got a small grin. "No. I told Uncle Jason though. Besides, I'm gonna be in high school this fall. "I'm old enough to take the subway up here by myself." He rolled his eyes, trying to act annoyed.

"I know you are. Your mom just worries about you. Especially right now. So cut her some slack if she needs it. Okay?"

"Okay. But she's making me crazy. I don't need a baby sitter. I can come up here by myself. I never get to come see you by myself!"

Roger could tell he was getting upset. "It's okay. I understand." He took his hand. "So you're here now by yourself. That means it's your job to entertain me. So what's going on?"

"Nothing." He shrugged.

Roger didn't buy it. "What's up Collin?"

Slowly his eyes raised up from the blanket he had been staring at. "You're not going to get any better this time are you?"

Roger sighed. "No probably not."

"Mom says you might if you stay in the hospital."

"Mom hopes I might, but I'm not going to. You understand that?"

Collin nodded. "Dad? How did you get AIDS?"

Ewwwww. Hard question to answer. Well actually easy question to answer, just hard to say out loud to his kid. "You know I used to be really messed up on drugs. Well, that's how. I was a junkie." He knew Collin knew this for the most part. "Uncle Mark and Uncle Collins got me all cleaned up."

Collin nodded as he looked at the TV for a minute. Roger was beginning to think the conversation was over when Collin spoke again. "Well if you got AIDS when you were doing heroine, how come me and Mom didn't get it?"

Whoa! That was a question he wasn't prepared for. Roger looked down at his hands. On his forearms you could still see the faint scars if you knew where to look. Without even thinking it through he spit the words out. Afraid if he didn't answer quickly he wouldn't be able too. "I got it after your mom was pregnant. I screwed up and started using again. Just a couple of times, but that's all it took. I screwed up. I'm sorry."

He just lied to Collin. He lied to his kid. He had never lied to him like that before. At this moment Roger had never hated himself as much as he hated himself right now, but he knew if he told the truth, he'd hate himself even more.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry." Roger whispered over the lump in his throat.

"Me too, but I still love you."

"Good." Roger smiled, relieved. They just sat there for awhile longer. Sometimes talking, sometimes not. When they talked, it got deep. Roger told Collin things he never thought they'd talk about. After about three hours the door opened and in walked Cass.

"You are in so much trouble mister!" She told Collin.

"Leave him alone. He's old enough to take the subway where ever he wants." Roger told her, understanding Collin's need to come see him alone. He had questions he didn't want to ask around everyone else. He was entitled to that.

"But--"

Roger shook his head. "He's fine. Leave him alone and come see me." He held out a hand as she walked over.

*************

By the end of the day he'd had his usual round of visitors. His mother and Larry, Patrick and Shelly, Mickey, Jason, Jennifer and Rich as well as Mark, Cass and Collin. He was tired. Tired of medicines and nurses and doctors and hospitals. He wanted to go home. To die at home, not here. But like he told Collin, Cass was still holing onto the glimmer of hope that something in this God forsaken building would somehow make him at least somewhat better. Damn it! He couldn't take sitting here wasting away. But he couldn't take the look on Cass' face if he ever convinced her this hospital wouldn't save him. Nothing would.

He knew his emotions were all over the place. Mad, angry, frustrated yet strangely content at the same time. It was this place. He knew it. He'd be happier at home.

Roger couldn't handle another argument with Cass over this. He waited till she and Mark left for the night before he picked up the phone. He knew there was only one person that could possibly see it from his side and would be willing to help him. Willing and able.


"Hello?"

"It's me. I need your help."

"Sure anything. What do you need?"

"I want to go home. Please." He said, almost desperately.

There was silence for a minute on the other end of the line. "I'll come there and we'll work it out. I'll see you in a little bit."

"Thanks." Roger hung up the phone and waited.

**********************

"You're sure about this?"

"Yes. Completely." Roger told him, starting to get frustrated.

"Okay, relax. I understand. I was just checking."

"I'm sorry. I just want to get out of here and get home before they do. It'll be easier that way."

"I know. I think this is the last of the paperwork."

"How did you get them out of the house but yet not here?"

"Molly had car trouble out on Long Island this morning. So Mark had to go get her."

"What was she doing on Long Island?"

"Nothing. She took the day off from work, took a six a.m. train out there this morning. Currently Mark's on his way to get her and then take her to see a number of supposedly important clients."

"She made it all up?"

"Yep. It was either that or call his assistant at the production house and have her accidentally loose all their footage for awhile. I figured rush hour traffic would be less stressful on him. Besides, Molly was more than will to help."

"What about Cass?" Roger asked signing the papers and handing them back as the nurse started to push him towards the elevator.

"Yeah she was a little harder. And Rich says you owe him, big time. He told Cass he wants to run the New York Marathon this fall. Convinced her she needs to at least train with him once in awhile. It'd be good for her and all. So they are going on a ten-mile run this morning. That was Jen before saying they left. And so you know, Rich isn't overly thrilled, but Jen said he was faking it well."

"Wow. Thanks Jason." He wheezed. His breathing had been getting harder and harder. They had him on oxygen almost all the time now and when he talked he used up his breath quickly. "I know you had to go through a lot to get them occupied and all." He paused to catch his breath. "I mean I don't want them home right now, but I don't want them walking in here and finding me gone either."

"I know. I understand. Really I do. Come on, let's get you home." Jason helped him into the car.

"What about Collin?"

Jason pulled out of the parking lot. "I told him the truth. He's helping Jen get ready for you. He seemed real relieve you were coming home, but I know he understands what it really means too."

Roger shook his head. He was glad Jason had told Collin. He knew Collin would understand. Silently they drove home. Jason pulled up in front of the building and got out. By the time he got Roger up the front steps and in the building, Collin, who had been watching out the window for them, had come down in the elevator.

"Hey Dad."

"Hi Buddy."

"I'm gonna go get your bags and move the car. Collin you okay to get him upstairs?"

"Uh huh." He nodded as he helped Roger onto the elevator, his arms wrapped around his waist.

When the door closed and they were alone Roger reached down and pulled up Collin's chin so he was looking at him. He saw the tears welling up in his eyes. "Hey. It's okay." Roger hugged him. "It's gonna be okay."

Jennifer and Collin got Roger settled into the bed. Not long after the home nurse came and hooked an IV up again. Collin was sitting on the bed talking to him when the heard Cass come home.

"What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the hospital with Roger." She yelled at Jason.

He was trying to explain himself but she wouldn't let him talk.

Silently Collin got up off the bed and walked to the door. "Mom, we brought Dad home." He told her.

"What?" She rushed to the bedroom.

"Hi." Roger said softly.

"Oh my God." She gasps. At that she started crying. Roger motioned for her to come sit with him on the bed. The reality of what him sitting there actually meant hit. Hard. She broke down. Up until this point she had been holding it all together. Holding it in. Holding onto that fleeting hope he would get better. She finally let herself realize that wasn't going to happen