Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
I'm sorry it took me such a long time to update. I don't know what happened. I think I must have been kidnapped by aliens and taken to the land of "writer's block". I can now get back to deflowering poor Lupin. Re-reading through my past chapters I cannot believe the number of grammar mistakes I have made. I have fixed them to a much neater coherence. Sorry if you have been waiting.
Thanks for all the reviews, they are appreciated.
Warnings: SLASH. This chapter contains a scene of moderate sex. Please do not read further or skip this chapter if that offends you. You have been warned. Some might consider it a strong R.
______________
Chapter 3: Not a Child
________________
I feel different.
My senses are numbed. My limbs are aching and with each breath I take I shudder with exhilaration. I tingle from the tips of my toes to the ends of my fingers. My skin is wild with a sensation I didn't even know existed, and yet, I feel empty and ashamed. I shouldn't have done it.
Oh Merlin, Severus... When I woke up this morning in sheets that weren't my own: a chrysalis, a home, and a delirious bliss that didn't belong to me...I wanted to die. And there he was, sitting upright, staring at me as if I was a...mistake.
I regret leaving my dorm room. The air was cold, the halls empty and everything was a deathly hush. The only time I had ever felt as frightened was the first time I turned into a werewolf. The dread of waiting for the full moon to rise was beyond rational anxiety. I didn't think moonlight could taste of anything, but it tasted icy. When it froze my senses and opened my flesh and blood with its wolfish brutality, I remember being conscious every moment.
Wading through the dark was difficult when you didn't want to get caught. In all the five years that I had been here, I still didn't know how to maneuver myself around. This was why I suggested a map making project and Sirius immediately took it up as a chance to spark into reality. I followed the shadows, led by random moving staircases and meandering through the corridors. I cursed myself for leaving my wand by my bedside table and tightened my cloak around me. A light bobbed in the distance. It looked like it came from a wand and a boy with a soft step bounded in my direction.
"Well, who are you?" he sneered, looking me up and down with superior distaste. He had grey, stony eyes that shone blade silver in the white glare.
I became conscious of my tousled hair, my oversized cloak and my tear filled eyes. I shook my head and straightened my posture. When he saw I had been crying, he quickly melted his expression into a smug, cattish smile. It was Lucius Malfoy, a seventh year, who kept his House in terror most of the time. He usually kept himself to his own circle of friends and did little to trouble the Gryffindors. Yet nonetheless, he was certainly intimidating.
"What's wrong?" he purred thickly, using his free hand to lift my face up to his. I had never felt so small and young. Despite only being two years older than me, he radiated an aura of maturity and authority. I let the touch shudder through my veins and felt a twinge of shame tug at my heart.
"I was just taking a walk... I felt a bit ill, so I went in search of... the kitchens. I was hungry." I replied feebly.
My head was whirling with nausea, my throat was drunk with despair and my fingers trembled. I wondered if he could hear the powerful thudding of my heart and feel the heat of shame crawl up the back of my neck. He gazed at me intensely, his eyes dancing like a serpent and his fingers stroking the underside of my chin.
"Did you realise you were in the Slytherin Quarters? A few more metres and you would have found yourself outside the Slytherin Common Room."
"I-I had no intention of intruding.... I just couldn't find my way."
"Are you sure?"
I could feel his eyes penetrate the back of my spine and shamefully I looked down to my shoes and shuffled my feet nervously.
"You're part of Black and Potter's Gryffindor Gang, aren't you? I've seen you around. I heard what happened to you in the Great Hall. Everyone knows. You're the first Gryffindor to admit your preferences. Gryffindor has always been an over conventional, macho house...Foolish really... You show true bravery, Remus Lupin."
I smiled dryly but a great flush of humiliation overwhelmed me and I bit the inside of my lip to keep a flurry of anger, sorrow and embarrassment bursting out.
"Those holier-than-thou friends of yours are giving you a hard time? Well I'll let you into a little secret... You know that Black of yours? Sirius... Well, he once made a move on Severus in his third year. When he didn't return his affections, he grew heated and angry. He punched the boy right in the face and stormed off sulking! Severus did nothing of course, he took anything those days. As far as I know, they've hated each other ever since."
I was speechless. My mind was blinded with disbelief and fury. Sirius? He wanted Snape?
"He's a bloody hypocrite, that Black. James knew of course but both kept it from you..." he said with a hint of sorrow in his voice, "Speaking of the Devil, Severus that is, I am meant to be meeting with him in the fifth year dorm room. You'll find it empty of course... All Slytherins leave when...two people demand...privacy."
I pretended to understand and nodded.
"Now, if you wish to spend one night away from that Gryffindor Hell, I'm sure Severus will be more than grateful than to let you share the room for the night. Tell him I allowed it, he does little to dispute me. I, on the other hand, must leave for quite another reason. Tell him your tale, talk to him. He has had his great number of disappointments... Especially concerning his victimisation from that mutt, Black. He's not half as nasty as people would like you to believe. Go. If you cross a Slytherin in the Slytherin Common Room, as no doubt some will be camping there, pay no attention and tell them I sent you."
I nodded firmly. My skin tingled with exhilaration.
"Thank you." I nodded gratefully.
"The password's 'Serpentsortia'".
@--`--,----;--
I made my way to the dorm room easily. I opened the door silently and met a boy with his back turned to me.
'Hello.' I muttered politely. He froze, and pretended to ignore me. It was easy to sense the back of his neck constrict and I froze with apprehension. I had the sudden urge to escape. At last, with a strange sardonic leer, he greeted me and asked me who I was waiting for. I kept silent and muttered a few apologies. Gripping the back of a satin, Edwardian arm chair, I told him that Lucius sent me.
He looked me over warily, paled, then turned back to his desk and gazed out of the window. He was wearing his night gown, a beautiful robe made of green silk and trimmed with silver. I had the urge to touch it. It looked so smooth and soft...
He looked almost attractive beneath the candlelight.
"He told me that he can't meet you tonight and told me that I could probably stay here for the night."
"Why? What's wrong with the god-perfect, Gryffindors?" he sneered sarcastically.
He packed up his dusty book and placed it on a large, mahogany bookshelf that was filled with hundreds of volumes. I wondered with awe whether that was his personal collection. He was the bookish sort who was apt for teasing but from what I knew of him, he was by no means vulnerable. He, Sirius and James got into a violent fight at least once a week. The idea of Sirius liking him was an impossible feat to believe. Sirius exploited the fact that he was queer. He teased him because he had a reputation, because he was a slut, because he was nothing but a foul mouthed, dirty haired, cock sucker who screamed for attention by fucking the Gods of Slytherin to feel some worth. I believed him.
Yet now I wondered why he didn't just reveal Sirius for who he was and humiliate him a thousand times over by telling them he had tried to kiss him. Then I realised all Sirius would have to do was smile and laugh and deny it. No one would believe that the handsome, exuberant golden boy of Gryffindor would reduce himself to the Slytherin boy. He was ugly, unpopular and bitter. He stood no chance.
I stayed silent and shivered a little. He turned, perched on his desk, folded his arms and stared at me with inquisitive eyes.
My fingers were shaking very gently and I ventured to ask, "You're a queer, aren't you?"
Even now the question seemed ridiculously stupid and awkward.
"I heard what happened at dinner. No doubt your little expedition here is due to your dunderhead friends who find you charmingly vile. Especially Black..." he muttered, a dark storm brewing in his expression. He still didn't answer my question.
I nodded rigidly. He always did know how one felt just by scanning their appearance. There was no point in denying anything.
"Lucius said," I begun apprehensively, "...said that you'd understand me. Out of anyone, you'd understand the best, wouldn't you?"
I scratched the satin fabric and picked at a hole that had formed previously.
"What is it that you want me to understand?" he asked evenly and expressionlessly.
There was little resentment in his eyes and there was a tranquil look in his face. Maybe he didn't hate me as much as I thought and I didn't hate him either, I had decided vehemently. I ventured deeper into the room and paced into the centre of it, thrusting my hands into my pockets and staring up to the ceiling. I became flustered and before I could scorn myself for crying, a tear fled down my cheek and I masked my face in my hands with shame.
"It's just so frustrating!" I burst out passionately. "I feel as if they all laugh at me! That I am only something to humour and talk to when they need someone to relax their boredom! I'm not half as close to James as Sirius is and Peter is always too busy trying to get their attention. It's as if I don't fit in. When they first became my friends, I thought they liked me and it was great. Yet recently...Things have just been getting so empty...I feel as if they don't care about me and they only appreciate me when they want to! I am just a strange phenomenon, a piece of entertainment, nothing substantial as I hoped friendship would be...Maybe I am just being foolish and ungrateful! And now, now they know that I...I...you know, that I like boys. Now they'll never like me! Sirius doesn't seem to understand anything and James just laughs at everything. I know I'm not as good as them when it comes to schoolwork or being sociable or charming teachers, but I feel so small and inadequate next to them!"
Severus's eyes glittered, half out of amusement and contemplation. My head was pounding, my skin burning with fury and my blood was teeming with a sensation that I hadn't felt for ages.
"I hate it! I hate it all! I know I should be grateful, I should be more grateful than anyone else! Yet I can't take this frustration! They never show me any respect. They treat me like a child..." I admitted with a sob of defeat in my tone.
Severus looked at me curiously and I breathed a sigh of relief. I paced around the room and stopped where Severus was standing and touched his hand gently.
"I understand," he replied.
"Thank you. I could never have told that to any of them! They'd kill me if they knew I'd told you the way I felt." I said, then added, "Please don't tell anybody."
I began to laugh quietly. I shouldn't have done it; I thought angrily to myself, I shouldn't have told him my true feelings. He was a Slytherin and an enemy after all. Why should I trust a near stranger?
He leaned over me and put his arms around me warmly. I rested my head on the breast of his silk robe and ran my cheek against it sadly, slipping my arms round him gently.
"You're the only one who's showed me respect..." I whispered, in a mild state of bliss.
Severus sighed and lifted up my chin to face him. Before I knew it, he bent down and kissed me. I jolted back but not out of horror but out of surprise and exhilaration.
"I shouldn't have..." he began apologetically.
I shook my head, smiled up at him and welcomed his lips upon mine, received his warm tongue in my mouth and clumsily attempted to retaliate. He swept his long fingers through my hair and heightened the intensity. I was stunned into a state of delight and apprehension. I had barely done that before and my heart raced. His was beating harder. I tightened my grip upon his waist and he grabbed mine and pushed me passionately against him. I was shocked at his arousal and ashamed of my own. Why was he so hard? I savoured it rubbing against mine and my world was spinning. When he began to touch me, Merlin did I almost howl.
"Tell me to stop..." he breathed, "Just tell me to stop, or else I'll..."
"No...Never...Don't."
He slipped downwards, unbuttoning my robes while I threw off my cloak. I chuckled as he fumbled down my clothes and shed them as he pleased. When his mouth was on me, I started back, frightened at the odd, new sensation. It was was warm and wet, but gratifying. I hungered for more and urged Severus to continue. As he sucked me I burned and ached and yearned. I was enveloped in an ocean of intense pleasure. No longer was I in a stranger's world but I was burning in a furnace of liberation and lust. I had no idea it felt so good. I had fantasised about this for years, yet thoughts were no substitute for experience. I moaned, groaned, panted as his lips enclosed me. I threw my head back murmuring his name over and over again desperately as if I needed this to live, to survive, to prove myself. Yet I was always gentle. I wanted to thrust hard but controlled my animal lusts with difficulty; I ran my fingers through his hair softly, caressed him, and savoured every shiver and shudder through my spine. This was heavenly and knowing this pleasure so fully, so young, so enduring. I shut my eyes and dreamed of the wild place, shedding myself of stress, despair and memory. I was foolish. I could feel myself coming, my muscles constricting, my grip tightening on his scalp.
I should have left it there. Oh! If I had only come then and fell limp and supine. Yet I wanted him inside me. I wanted to prove that I could take it like the rest of the boys my age. I wanted to lose my virginity. I asked him to take me. Before I knew it, we were on each other. I clawed at his robes, touching as much hot flesh as I could get my hands on. I lay on my back, my legs on his shoulders, my thighs opened wide. A pillow supported the arch of my back, my skin aflame. I couldn't think, blinded with urgency and desperation.
As he plied me urgently with his fingers, quickly applied lubrication, I grew with triumph and anticipation. I welcomed him into me. I winced. I jolted with shock and mild pain stripped the dream luxury within me and once again I was in a room, laying on rough cotton sheets, a boy, a practical stranger, thrusting into me passionately. He was over me, suffocating me, his hands clamped over me, caressing me, folding me into his arms, groaning like an animal, his sweat running down his forehead. I screamed, unpleasantly, for Severus stopped, froze, all movement ceased and he withdrew and turned away ashamed.
"Please... Please... Don't stop," I half pleaded out of pity. "You can't leave me like this..."
I hurt him. His pride was wounded. I must have been crying since my face was wet and my vision was blurred.
'Don't be cruel..." I urged, "Don't do this to me... Just a little more..."
I lay helpless, shameless, flustered wishing I hadn't cried in pain. Severus sighed, cursed himself, then turned back to face me with pity. My whole body was trembling, my arousal urgent and humiliating.
"Please..." I moaned. "I want your mouth on me..."
It didn't take long for me to spill into his throat. I never had an orgasm so hard before and I was shocked at its force. I smiled and sighed with liberation, thanking Severus repeatedly. I lay back on the sheets, completely exhausted and felt Severus's eyes feast on me. I bade him to lie on me and soon we were embracing, touching and fiddling each other's hair. I touched his arousal gently and he came quietly and softly in my hands, hiding his face in the crook of my shoulder.
'Thank you..."
We relaxed into a loose embrace onto the sheets, dampened with sweat. I was contented in the heaviness of his skin, his soft breathing, his limp ease... I combed the dark strands of hair from his face and kissed his lips playfully. There was despair in his eyes that looked upon me as something horrific, mutilated and wronged. I started back, but he kissed me with such violence, brutality and lust that he plucked all feeling from my lips. I shot back frightened and buried my face in the pillow.
@--`--,----;--
I washed twice this morning and crept back into the Gryffindor Dorm Room before Sirius, James and Peter could wake up. James and Peter would be hungover and Sirius slept in late anyway, especially on Saturdays. My body ached and I had a limp which frightened me. Did something go wrong? Sex, I had believed, would never be painful. I nibbled on a blueberry muffin that I had gained from the kitchens. The house elves offered me a whole feast, they said I looked wan and frightened, and so I took the whole basket of comfort foods that they bestowed upon me. I would be spending the whole day in bed. I wondered what Severus was doing and thinking. He hates me most probably and telling Lucius what a fool I made of myself.
I gazed at Sirius, all sprawled and careless. His eyes flickered beneath his eyelids and his breathing was heavy. Peter and James would probably wake up cotton headed and woolly, barely remembering last night's incident. No doubt they would apologise half-heartedly suppressing their bafflement and concealing their disgust. That left only Sirius. I didn't care how he'd react, he was stubborn and arrogant and a hypocrite. Yet I could not bring my heart to hate him. It no longer mattered that he humiliated me in front of everybody. Nothing did. I had gone beyond what was decent. I had spent my virginity on a practical stranger in a state of careless agitation. I was a fool and nothing could change that.
@--`--,----;--
Continued...
I'm sorry it took me such a long time to update. I don't know what happened. I think I must have been kidnapped by aliens and taken to the land of "writer's block". I can now get back to deflowering poor Lupin. Re-reading through my past chapters I cannot believe the number of grammar mistakes I have made. I have fixed them to a much neater coherence. Sorry if you have been waiting.
Thanks for all the reviews, they are appreciated.
Warnings: SLASH. This chapter contains a scene of moderate sex. Please do not read further or skip this chapter if that offends you. You have been warned. Some might consider it a strong R.
______________
Chapter 3: Not a Child
________________
I feel different.
My senses are numbed. My limbs are aching and with each breath I take I shudder with exhilaration. I tingle from the tips of my toes to the ends of my fingers. My skin is wild with a sensation I didn't even know existed, and yet, I feel empty and ashamed. I shouldn't have done it.
Oh Merlin, Severus... When I woke up this morning in sheets that weren't my own: a chrysalis, a home, and a delirious bliss that didn't belong to me...I wanted to die. And there he was, sitting upright, staring at me as if I was a...mistake.
I regret leaving my dorm room. The air was cold, the halls empty and everything was a deathly hush. The only time I had ever felt as frightened was the first time I turned into a werewolf. The dread of waiting for the full moon to rise was beyond rational anxiety. I didn't think moonlight could taste of anything, but it tasted icy. When it froze my senses and opened my flesh and blood with its wolfish brutality, I remember being conscious every moment.
Wading through the dark was difficult when you didn't want to get caught. In all the five years that I had been here, I still didn't know how to maneuver myself around. This was why I suggested a map making project and Sirius immediately took it up as a chance to spark into reality. I followed the shadows, led by random moving staircases and meandering through the corridors. I cursed myself for leaving my wand by my bedside table and tightened my cloak around me. A light bobbed in the distance. It looked like it came from a wand and a boy with a soft step bounded in my direction.
"Well, who are you?" he sneered, looking me up and down with superior distaste. He had grey, stony eyes that shone blade silver in the white glare.
I became conscious of my tousled hair, my oversized cloak and my tear filled eyes. I shook my head and straightened my posture. When he saw I had been crying, he quickly melted his expression into a smug, cattish smile. It was Lucius Malfoy, a seventh year, who kept his House in terror most of the time. He usually kept himself to his own circle of friends and did little to trouble the Gryffindors. Yet nonetheless, he was certainly intimidating.
"What's wrong?" he purred thickly, using his free hand to lift my face up to his. I had never felt so small and young. Despite only being two years older than me, he radiated an aura of maturity and authority. I let the touch shudder through my veins and felt a twinge of shame tug at my heart.
"I was just taking a walk... I felt a bit ill, so I went in search of... the kitchens. I was hungry." I replied feebly.
My head was whirling with nausea, my throat was drunk with despair and my fingers trembled. I wondered if he could hear the powerful thudding of my heart and feel the heat of shame crawl up the back of my neck. He gazed at me intensely, his eyes dancing like a serpent and his fingers stroking the underside of my chin.
"Did you realise you were in the Slytherin Quarters? A few more metres and you would have found yourself outside the Slytherin Common Room."
"I-I had no intention of intruding.... I just couldn't find my way."
"Are you sure?"
I could feel his eyes penetrate the back of my spine and shamefully I looked down to my shoes and shuffled my feet nervously.
"You're part of Black and Potter's Gryffindor Gang, aren't you? I've seen you around. I heard what happened to you in the Great Hall. Everyone knows. You're the first Gryffindor to admit your preferences. Gryffindor has always been an over conventional, macho house...Foolish really... You show true bravery, Remus Lupin."
I smiled dryly but a great flush of humiliation overwhelmed me and I bit the inside of my lip to keep a flurry of anger, sorrow and embarrassment bursting out.
"Those holier-than-thou friends of yours are giving you a hard time? Well I'll let you into a little secret... You know that Black of yours? Sirius... Well, he once made a move on Severus in his third year. When he didn't return his affections, he grew heated and angry. He punched the boy right in the face and stormed off sulking! Severus did nothing of course, he took anything those days. As far as I know, they've hated each other ever since."
I was speechless. My mind was blinded with disbelief and fury. Sirius? He wanted Snape?
"He's a bloody hypocrite, that Black. James knew of course but both kept it from you..." he said with a hint of sorrow in his voice, "Speaking of the Devil, Severus that is, I am meant to be meeting with him in the fifth year dorm room. You'll find it empty of course... All Slytherins leave when...two people demand...privacy."
I pretended to understand and nodded.
"Now, if you wish to spend one night away from that Gryffindor Hell, I'm sure Severus will be more than grateful than to let you share the room for the night. Tell him I allowed it, he does little to dispute me. I, on the other hand, must leave for quite another reason. Tell him your tale, talk to him. He has had his great number of disappointments... Especially concerning his victimisation from that mutt, Black. He's not half as nasty as people would like you to believe. Go. If you cross a Slytherin in the Slytherin Common Room, as no doubt some will be camping there, pay no attention and tell them I sent you."
I nodded firmly. My skin tingled with exhilaration.
"Thank you." I nodded gratefully.
"The password's 'Serpentsortia'".
@--`--,----;--
I made my way to the dorm room easily. I opened the door silently and met a boy with his back turned to me.
'Hello.' I muttered politely. He froze, and pretended to ignore me. It was easy to sense the back of his neck constrict and I froze with apprehension. I had the sudden urge to escape. At last, with a strange sardonic leer, he greeted me and asked me who I was waiting for. I kept silent and muttered a few apologies. Gripping the back of a satin, Edwardian arm chair, I told him that Lucius sent me.
He looked me over warily, paled, then turned back to his desk and gazed out of the window. He was wearing his night gown, a beautiful robe made of green silk and trimmed with silver. I had the urge to touch it. It looked so smooth and soft...
He looked almost attractive beneath the candlelight.
"He told me that he can't meet you tonight and told me that I could probably stay here for the night."
"Why? What's wrong with the god-perfect, Gryffindors?" he sneered sarcastically.
He packed up his dusty book and placed it on a large, mahogany bookshelf that was filled with hundreds of volumes. I wondered with awe whether that was his personal collection. He was the bookish sort who was apt for teasing but from what I knew of him, he was by no means vulnerable. He, Sirius and James got into a violent fight at least once a week. The idea of Sirius liking him was an impossible feat to believe. Sirius exploited the fact that he was queer. He teased him because he had a reputation, because he was a slut, because he was nothing but a foul mouthed, dirty haired, cock sucker who screamed for attention by fucking the Gods of Slytherin to feel some worth. I believed him.
Yet now I wondered why he didn't just reveal Sirius for who he was and humiliate him a thousand times over by telling them he had tried to kiss him. Then I realised all Sirius would have to do was smile and laugh and deny it. No one would believe that the handsome, exuberant golden boy of Gryffindor would reduce himself to the Slytherin boy. He was ugly, unpopular and bitter. He stood no chance.
I stayed silent and shivered a little. He turned, perched on his desk, folded his arms and stared at me with inquisitive eyes.
My fingers were shaking very gently and I ventured to ask, "You're a queer, aren't you?"
Even now the question seemed ridiculously stupid and awkward.
"I heard what happened at dinner. No doubt your little expedition here is due to your dunderhead friends who find you charmingly vile. Especially Black..." he muttered, a dark storm brewing in his expression. He still didn't answer my question.
I nodded rigidly. He always did know how one felt just by scanning their appearance. There was no point in denying anything.
"Lucius said," I begun apprehensively, "...said that you'd understand me. Out of anyone, you'd understand the best, wouldn't you?"
I scratched the satin fabric and picked at a hole that had formed previously.
"What is it that you want me to understand?" he asked evenly and expressionlessly.
There was little resentment in his eyes and there was a tranquil look in his face. Maybe he didn't hate me as much as I thought and I didn't hate him either, I had decided vehemently. I ventured deeper into the room and paced into the centre of it, thrusting my hands into my pockets and staring up to the ceiling. I became flustered and before I could scorn myself for crying, a tear fled down my cheek and I masked my face in my hands with shame.
"It's just so frustrating!" I burst out passionately. "I feel as if they all laugh at me! That I am only something to humour and talk to when they need someone to relax their boredom! I'm not half as close to James as Sirius is and Peter is always too busy trying to get their attention. It's as if I don't fit in. When they first became my friends, I thought they liked me and it was great. Yet recently...Things have just been getting so empty...I feel as if they don't care about me and they only appreciate me when they want to! I am just a strange phenomenon, a piece of entertainment, nothing substantial as I hoped friendship would be...Maybe I am just being foolish and ungrateful! And now, now they know that I...I...you know, that I like boys. Now they'll never like me! Sirius doesn't seem to understand anything and James just laughs at everything. I know I'm not as good as them when it comes to schoolwork or being sociable or charming teachers, but I feel so small and inadequate next to them!"
Severus's eyes glittered, half out of amusement and contemplation. My head was pounding, my skin burning with fury and my blood was teeming with a sensation that I hadn't felt for ages.
"I hate it! I hate it all! I know I should be grateful, I should be more grateful than anyone else! Yet I can't take this frustration! They never show me any respect. They treat me like a child..." I admitted with a sob of defeat in my tone.
Severus looked at me curiously and I breathed a sigh of relief. I paced around the room and stopped where Severus was standing and touched his hand gently.
"I understand," he replied.
"Thank you. I could never have told that to any of them! They'd kill me if they knew I'd told you the way I felt." I said, then added, "Please don't tell anybody."
I began to laugh quietly. I shouldn't have done it; I thought angrily to myself, I shouldn't have told him my true feelings. He was a Slytherin and an enemy after all. Why should I trust a near stranger?
He leaned over me and put his arms around me warmly. I rested my head on the breast of his silk robe and ran my cheek against it sadly, slipping my arms round him gently.
"You're the only one who's showed me respect..." I whispered, in a mild state of bliss.
Severus sighed and lifted up my chin to face him. Before I knew it, he bent down and kissed me. I jolted back but not out of horror but out of surprise and exhilaration.
"I shouldn't have..." he began apologetically.
I shook my head, smiled up at him and welcomed his lips upon mine, received his warm tongue in my mouth and clumsily attempted to retaliate. He swept his long fingers through my hair and heightened the intensity. I was stunned into a state of delight and apprehension. I had barely done that before and my heart raced. His was beating harder. I tightened my grip upon his waist and he grabbed mine and pushed me passionately against him. I was shocked at his arousal and ashamed of my own. Why was he so hard? I savoured it rubbing against mine and my world was spinning. When he began to touch me, Merlin did I almost howl.
"Tell me to stop..." he breathed, "Just tell me to stop, or else I'll..."
"No...Never...Don't."
He slipped downwards, unbuttoning my robes while I threw off my cloak. I chuckled as he fumbled down my clothes and shed them as he pleased. When his mouth was on me, I started back, frightened at the odd, new sensation. It was was warm and wet, but gratifying. I hungered for more and urged Severus to continue. As he sucked me I burned and ached and yearned. I was enveloped in an ocean of intense pleasure. No longer was I in a stranger's world but I was burning in a furnace of liberation and lust. I had no idea it felt so good. I had fantasised about this for years, yet thoughts were no substitute for experience. I moaned, groaned, panted as his lips enclosed me. I threw my head back murmuring his name over and over again desperately as if I needed this to live, to survive, to prove myself. Yet I was always gentle. I wanted to thrust hard but controlled my animal lusts with difficulty; I ran my fingers through his hair softly, caressed him, and savoured every shiver and shudder through my spine. This was heavenly and knowing this pleasure so fully, so young, so enduring. I shut my eyes and dreamed of the wild place, shedding myself of stress, despair and memory. I was foolish. I could feel myself coming, my muscles constricting, my grip tightening on his scalp.
I should have left it there. Oh! If I had only come then and fell limp and supine. Yet I wanted him inside me. I wanted to prove that I could take it like the rest of the boys my age. I wanted to lose my virginity. I asked him to take me. Before I knew it, we were on each other. I clawed at his robes, touching as much hot flesh as I could get my hands on. I lay on my back, my legs on his shoulders, my thighs opened wide. A pillow supported the arch of my back, my skin aflame. I couldn't think, blinded with urgency and desperation.
As he plied me urgently with his fingers, quickly applied lubrication, I grew with triumph and anticipation. I welcomed him into me. I winced. I jolted with shock and mild pain stripped the dream luxury within me and once again I was in a room, laying on rough cotton sheets, a boy, a practical stranger, thrusting into me passionately. He was over me, suffocating me, his hands clamped over me, caressing me, folding me into his arms, groaning like an animal, his sweat running down his forehead. I screamed, unpleasantly, for Severus stopped, froze, all movement ceased and he withdrew and turned away ashamed.
"Please... Please... Don't stop," I half pleaded out of pity. "You can't leave me like this..."
I hurt him. His pride was wounded. I must have been crying since my face was wet and my vision was blurred.
'Don't be cruel..." I urged, "Don't do this to me... Just a little more..."
I lay helpless, shameless, flustered wishing I hadn't cried in pain. Severus sighed, cursed himself, then turned back to face me with pity. My whole body was trembling, my arousal urgent and humiliating.
"Please..." I moaned. "I want your mouth on me..."
It didn't take long for me to spill into his throat. I never had an orgasm so hard before and I was shocked at its force. I smiled and sighed with liberation, thanking Severus repeatedly. I lay back on the sheets, completely exhausted and felt Severus's eyes feast on me. I bade him to lie on me and soon we were embracing, touching and fiddling each other's hair. I touched his arousal gently and he came quietly and softly in my hands, hiding his face in the crook of my shoulder.
'Thank you..."
We relaxed into a loose embrace onto the sheets, dampened with sweat. I was contented in the heaviness of his skin, his soft breathing, his limp ease... I combed the dark strands of hair from his face and kissed his lips playfully. There was despair in his eyes that looked upon me as something horrific, mutilated and wronged. I started back, but he kissed me with such violence, brutality and lust that he plucked all feeling from my lips. I shot back frightened and buried my face in the pillow.
@--`--,----;--
I washed twice this morning and crept back into the Gryffindor Dorm Room before Sirius, James and Peter could wake up. James and Peter would be hungover and Sirius slept in late anyway, especially on Saturdays. My body ached and I had a limp which frightened me. Did something go wrong? Sex, I had believed, would never be painful. I nibbled on a blueberry muffin that I had gained from the kitchens. The house elves offered me a whole feast, they said I looked wan and frightened, and so I took the whole basket of comfort foods that they bestowed upon me. I would be spending the whole day in bed. I wondered what Severus was doing and thinking. He hates me most probably and telling Lucius what a fool I made of myself.
I gazed at Sirius, all sprawled and careless. His eyes flickered beneath his eyelids and his breathing was heavy. Peter and James would probably wake up cotton headed and woolly, barely remembering last night's incident. No doubt they would apologise half-heartedly suppressing their bafflement and concealing their disgust. That left only Sirius. I didn't care how he'd react, he was stubborn and arrogant and a hypocrite. Yet I could not bring my heart to hate him. It no longer mattered that he humiliated me in front of everybody. Nothing did. I had gone beyond what was decent. I had spent my virginity on a practical stranger in a state of careless agitation. I was a fool and nothing could change that.
@--`--,----;--
Continued...