Remembrance: Force and Rage
Chapter Four
_________
Bastards, fools and dunderheads! Curse them all to hell! I can hear their whispers around me as I walk down the halls. I can feel their stares crawl after me like spiders. They look at me as if I'm cheap, a slut, an animal. Word spreads fast in Slytherin house; Lucius let slip of my night with Remus in the Great Hall, as easy as that, a small, silvery little spiteful remark enough to damage everything. For every tiny effort I tried to gain acceptance, to being liked and tolerated, from doing the older boys' homework, teaching them the dark arts or giving them my class notes, was all undone. Now no one speaks to me unless it's to slip me some sharp, disgusted remark...
'Eradico!' I cry as I glare at the scowling portrait to let me into Slytherin Common Room.
It's a dark, detached place with trodden, threadbare rugs that have been deliberately torn. Despite its dignified grandness there is very little sense of community or happiness. I pull the collar of my cloak higher so that no one can see my face, but I am too late. Someone spots me.
'Oh look...' Bellatrix cooed smarmily, 'If it isn't the Gryffindor whore...'
Regulus was lounging with his feline grace before the fire, reading a book. He looked up at me indifferently and said in a thoroughly bored voice,
'Bella...I can understand him wanting to have a pretty Gryffindor...but having hair that greasy is unforgivable. Really, Severus, I mean it in the nicest possible way, but look at my hair. It's all shiny and neat. Yours is positively vile...'
'Fuck off,' I murmured beneath my breath, as I made my way for the fifth year Slytherin dorm room.
Following my usual routine, setting my books upon the table, taking off my boots and crawling underneath my sheets, belly down, I can finally feel relieved that I am alone. At times I try to block out my thoughts but at other times I let them slide into me. I can't stop thinking about him. Him. Remus Lupin. What has he done to me? I want to kill him. He makes me shudder; he makes me angry; how could he do this to me? How could he degrade me with his boyish hips and fluttery nervousness...?
Yet he looks pale and worn, more so than before. Did I do that to him? Potter and Black as far as I know are doing nothing more than trying to cover up the whole thing as if it never happened. That was the difference between Slytherins and Gryffindors; even though they were insensitive and gregarious, they would always look out for each other. Slytherin just looked unified when it was falling apart.
I was too lost in my thoughts to notice the knock on the door or see the student who had just entered. I turned round when I realised and felt my heart lurch.
"Severus..." a sleek, tall boy murmured curiously, "It is not your usual style to ignore me..."
He shut the door with a swift click and murmured a locking charm. I grited my teeth with defiance and took in a deep breath. Lucius made towards my bed and sat on the chair beside me.
'I-' I cannot get the words out. I had been ignoring him, and anyone who snubbed Lucius was as good as marking him out as their enemy. He was known for using the dark arts on those he detested. It was even rumoured that he practiced the Cruciatus curse and knew Imperio. No one would believe it with his good family and upbringing.
He fiddles with the collar of his robe. I know what's coming up next. I brace myself for it every week. Slowly, inch by inch, undoes his robes, revealing his flawless, pale skin. I feel my heart constrict and the voice choke in my throat. It would feel adulterous to make love to him. His clothes slip down to his feet and in his natural form, he looks perfect. As he stands before me naked, his fingers wrapped round his arousal waiting for my tongue to wet him, I lick my lips. One half of me is screaming to taste him, to embark on his body and make the most proud, beautiful boy in our House scream and writhe below me, while the other is thinking of Remus.
Yet Lucius is waiting, demanding for me to serve and with that charming, golden smile he gave his order.
"Suck."
I did as I was bid.
___
There are bruises lining my body and I feel broken. I won't be able to move from this bed for hours. I missed dinner already and Lucius left long before. I cannot be bothered to get dressed. The rough fabric of my robes would feel wrong; I try to relax, to read a book but I still find myself shivering. He hurt me. The fucking bastard hurt me, and then tried to justify himself with love. I cannot bear the degradation he submitted me to that afternoon. Yet I had never seen him so angry, so changeable and forceful. There's blood on the sheets. Some of it his, most of it mine. I can take it though. I always do. Just shut your eyes and pretend to enjoy it...
___
Everyone's asleep and as usual, I'm awake. I can't sleep and I am hungry. All I want is to crawl to the Prefects Bathroom and wash myself. I was used to sneaking out at night and knew that I was quiet enough not to wake anyone. I reach for my warmest robes and drape them on.
It's cold as I walk down the hallways. My whole body burns when I walk. I would have to make a potion tomorrow to heal me. I wouldn't risk Pomfrey finding out what was a really wrong with me...Yet among the stony walls and rugged floor; I cannot help but feel a little frightened. I had done this a million times! Why should I feel so shaken!
"Severus..."
I turn round to see if anyone's there. My hand is firmly twisted round the end of my wand. I couldn't risk anyone see me. I deliberate that it was the wind outside. Through the shivers and chills of midnight air, I wonder how long it will take me to reach the bathroom. I was very glad when I found out I was a prefect; yet it did me no good in practice. One couldn't persecute their own house and no one else would listen to me. The bathroom was the only thing I liked about my gained privileges. Otherwise, I had given up all hope of executing my other duties. I turned a corner glad to discover I was only feet away from my destination.
Yet I still felt the strange sensation of being followed. So I hurried my pace.
"Snivellus..." the voice came again and lunging for my wand, confused as to which direction the voice was coming from, I began to tremble.
"Expelliarmus!"
The order came immediately and my wand flew metres away from me. I was in too much pain to reach for it. To my shock, the source of the torments had been closer than I anticipated and lunging for my throat was Sirius Black revealing himself from beneath an invisibility cloak. I was shoved hard against the wall, feeling my muscles ache at the force. There were at least two figures there making for me and under the fierce grip of Black, I grew weak and powerless. You have me again, you fucking bastard. You have me again.
"You fucked Remus, didn't you?" He snarled in a fierce whisper.
"He was asking for it!" I spat back.
"Liar! Remus wouldn't do that to us! He wouldn't degrade himself to such filth like you..."
"Oh but you would, wouldn't you..?" I said with a small, sardonic grin remembering when he tried to kiss me in our third year.
A blow came to my stomach. I was feeling weak already and in one strike I fell to the ground. With the wind kicked out of me I fell limp and helpless. Another fierce kick came to below my ribs and another harder than before.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
White stars dazzled my vision and all I could feel was the burning of my ribs and a stream of wet, warm blood sliding down my face. Something gave a sickening crack but the kicks and punches still came. There were both of them now. Potter and Black. Each blow was harder than the next...Everything was disorientating and blurred, suddenly I felt weightless like I was being crushed under the waves of the ocean...
"If you dare come near Remus again, we'll kill you...Understand? We'll fucking murder you..."
I understood...but everything was loosening... my whole world was fading away...
____
To be continued...
I am extremely sorry that I haven't updated in ages. I swear the next chapter will come sooner. I have already written half of it and I have plotted the whole thing through now...
Chapter Four
_________
Bastards, fools and dunderheads! Curse them all to hell! I can hear their whispers around me as I walk down the halls. I can feel their stares crawl after me like spiders. They look at me as if I'm cheap, a slut, an animal. Word spreads fast in Slytherin house; Lucius let slip of my night with Remus in the Great Hall, as easy as that, a small, silvery little spiteful remark enough to damage everything. For every tiny effort I tried to gain acceptance, to being liked and tolerated, from doing the older boys' homework, teaching them the dark arts or giving them my class notes, was all undone. Now no one speaks to me unless it's to slip me some sharp, disgusted remark...
'Eradico!' I cry as I glare at the scowling portrait to let me into Slytherin Common Room.
It's a dark, detached place with trodden, threadbare rugs that have been deliberately torn. Despite its dignified grandness there is very little sense of community or happiness. I pull the collar of my cloak higher so that no one can see my face, but I am too late. Someone spots me.
'Oh look...' Bellatrix cooed smarmily, 'If it isn't the Gryffindor whore...'
Regulus was lounging with his feline grace before the fire, reading a book. He looked up at me indifferently and said in a thoroughly bored voice,
'Bella...I can understand him wanting to have a pretty Gryffindor...but having hair that greasy is unforgivable. Really, Severus, I mean it in the nicest possible way, but look at my hair. It's all shiny and neat. Yours is positively vile...'
'Fuck off,' I murmured beneath my breath, as I made my way for the fifth year Slytherin dorm room.
Following my usual routine, setting my books upon the table, taking off my boots and crawling underneath my sheets, belly down, I can finally feel relieved that I am alone. At times I try to block out my thoughts but at other times I let them slide into me. I can't stop thinking about him. Him. Remus Lupin. What has he done to me? I want to kill him. He makes me shudder; he makes me angry; how could he do this to me? How could he degrade me with his boyish hips and fluttery nervousness...?
Yet he looks pale and worn, more so than before. Did I do that to him? Potter and Black as far as I know are doing nothing more than trying to cover up the whole thing as if it never happened. That was the difference between Slytherins and Gryffindors; even though they were insensitive and gregarious, they would always look out for each other. Slytherin just looked unified when it was falling apart.
I was too lost in my thoughts to notice the knock on the door or see the student who had just entered. I turned round when I realised and felt my heart lurch.
"Severus..." a sleek, tall boy murmured curiously, "It is not your usual style to ignore me..."
He shut the door with a swift click and murmured a locking charm. I grited my teeth with defiance and took in a deep breath. Lucius made towards my bed and sat on the chair beside me.
'I-' I cannot get the words out. I had been ignoring him, and anyone who snubbed Lucius was as good as marking him out as their enemy. He was known for using the dark arts on those he detested. It was even rumoured that he practiced the Cruciatus curse and knew Imperio. No one would believe it with his good family and upbringing.
He fiddles with the collar of his robe. I know what's coming up next. I brace myself for it every week. Slowly, inch by inch, undoes his robes, revealing his flawless, pale skin. I feel my heart constrict and the voice choke in my throat. It would feel adulterous to make love to him. His clothes slip down to his feet and in his natural form, he looks perfect. As he stands before me naked, his fingers wrapped round his arousal waiting for my tongue to wet him, I lick my lips. One half of me is screaming to taste him, to embark on his body and make the most proud, beautiful boy in our House scream and writhe below me, while the other is thinking of Remus.
Yet Lucius is waiting, demanding for me to serve and with that charming, golden smile he gave his order.
"Suck."
I did as I was bid.
___
There are bruises lining my body and I feel broken. I won't be able to move from this bed for hours. I missed dinner already and Lucius left long before. I cannot be bothered to get dressed. The rough fabric of my robes would feel wrong; I try to relax, to read a book but I still find myself shivering. He hurt me. The fucking bastard hurt me, and then tried to justify himself with love. I cannot bear the degradation he submitted me to that afternoon. Yet I had never seen him so angry, so changeable and forceful. There's blood on the sheets. Some of it his, most of it mine. I can take it though. I always do. Just shut your eyes and pretend to enjoy it...
___
Everyone's asleep and as usual, I'm awake. I can't sleep and I am hungry. All I want is to crawl to the Prefects Bathroom and wash myself. I was used to sneaking out at night and knew that I was quiet enough not to wake anyone. I reach for my warmest robes and drape them on.
It's cold as I walk down the hallways. My whole body burns when I walk. I would have to make a potion tomorrow to heal me. I wouldn't risk Pomfrey finding out what was a really wrong with me...Yet among the stony walls and rugged floor; I cannot help but feel a little frightened. I had done this a million times! Why should I feel so shaken!
"Severus..."
I turn round to see if anyone's there. My hand is firmly twisted round the end of my wand. I couldn't risk anyone see me. I deliberate that it was the wind outside. Through the shivers and chills of midnight air, I wonder how long it will take me to reach the bathroom. I was very glad when I found out I was a prefect; yet it did me no good in practice. One couldn't persecute their own house and no one else would listen to me. The bathroom was the only thing I liked about my gained privileges. Otherwise, I had given up all hope of executing my other duties. I turned a corner glad to discover I was only feet away from my destination.
Yet I still felt the strange sensation of being followed. So I hurried my pace.
"Snivellus..." the voice came again and lunging for my wand, confused as to which direction the voice was coming from, I began to tremble.
"Expelliarmus!"
The order came immediately and my wand flew metres away from me. I was in too much pain to reach for it. To my shock, the source of the torments had been closer than I anticipated and lunging for my throat was Sirius Black revealing himself from beneath an invisibility cloak. I was shoved hard against the wall, feeling my muscles ache at the force. There were at least two figures there making for me and under the fierce grip of Black, I grew weak and powerless. You have me again, you fucking bastard. You have me again.
"You fucked Remus, didn't you?" He snarled in a fierce whisper.
"He was asking for it!" I spat back.
"Liar! Remus wouldn't do that to us! He wouldn't degrade himself to such filth like you..."
"Oh but you would, wouldn't you..?" I said with a small, sardonic grin remembering when he tried to kiss me in our third year.
A blow came to my stomach. I was feeling weak already and in one strike I fell to the ground. With the wind kicked out of me I fell limp and helpless. Another fierce kick came to below my ribs and another harder than before.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
White stars dazzled my vision and all I could feel was the burning of my ribs and a stream of wet, warm blood sliding down my face. Something gave a sickening crack but the kicks and punches still came. There were both of them now. Potter and Black. Each blow was harder than the next...Everything was disorientating and blurred, suddenly I felt weightless like I was being crushed under the waves of the ocean...
"If you dare come near Remus again, we'll kill you...Understand? We'll fucking murder you..."
I understood...but everything was loosening... my whole world was fading away...
____
To be continued...
I am extremely sorry that I haven't updated in ages. I swear the next chapter will come sooner. I have already written half of it and I have plotted the whole thing through now...