Chapter Six: Limbo

The next few days were some of the most difficult I'd ever had to endure. For Cali they were a hundred times worse. After the parting in the woods that day, I had to almost drag Cali out of the forest away from her beloved. We trudged along in silence, both of us feeling horrible for different reasons. Hers was a pain of emptiness, whereas mine was a pain of having to be the one to cause the emptiness. It had been my job to pull her away. That's why Elrond sent me. True, Cali had asked me to come, but before we left Elrond had summoned me and asked that, when the time came, I make sure Drogo stays and Cali comes back. I had never been given such a loathsome assignment.

When it grew dark, and it was time to camp for the night, Cali finally spoke. I had been so lost in my own thoughts that her words startled me.
"I don't want to stop," she said. "Let's keep going." I nodded slowly. It was the first time since we'd left Drogo that she'd spoken, and as I looked into her eyes I was struck by the utter anguish and sorrow that dwelt there. I knew that look. I'd seen it in the eyes of Lúthien Tinuviel when Beren was sent away, I'd seen it in my sister's eyes when I had to tell her where our parents were. I didn't want to ever have to see it again. I turned away, and we kept walking.

That night we finally stopped. Cali was exhausted, not only physically from our long journey but emotionally as well. She still did not speak, however. As I looked at her I was reminded of my sister, Lailath, as she mourned for our parents. It had fallen on me to take care of her after their deaths and so I did everything I could for her. I didn't have time to grieve; I was too busy caring for her. As I looked on Cali then, I was thirty years old again, comforting her with nothing more than my presence.

I built a small fire and we ate our meal in silence. She ate slowly, almost absentmindedly. It was as if her body was performing the motions while her fëa was elsewhere. When she finally finished she lay down to sleep, but I couldn't. I stayed up and watched as the fire smoldered and burnt out and watched as Cali slept, and for a while, escaped the horrible pain of loss. For her it wasn't that Drogo had left, but she mourned as if he had died. She knew in her heart she would never see him again and so the pain worsened with that reality.

When the eastern sky began to grow light, Cali started tossing in her sleep. I heard her muttering softly and protesting some vision she saw in her dreams. I knew immediately what those visions were and I reached over to shake her awake. Deep emeralds brimming with unshed tears looked up at me. We stared at each other for several long moments silently comforting each other with our gaze.

"You were dreaming of Drogo, weren't you?" She nodded and looked away.
"I miss him so much, Lindir," she said softly. I hugged her tightly as she cried softly on my shoulder. "I wanted so much to keep him with me," she cried, "but I couldn't do it. I wanted to believe that he felt at home in Imladris, but he wasn't. Not really. He was still lost." I felt the beginnings of hope in my heart as she finally began to open up, if only slightly.

"I'm sure it would be the same if you were in his place," I said, trying to keep her talking. She looked up at me and I wiped away a tear from her cheek as I continued. "How long do you think you would last being stranded in the Shire? Would you be able to live there?"

"I would love it there." The merest hint of a smile began to tug at her lips.
"Well, sure you would, for a while anyway. Sooner or later, however, you would miss Rivendell and have to leave, just as Drogo had to go back to his home." She considered my words for several moments and then nodded.

"You're right. He had to go." She said the words, but I knew she didn't believe them. The wound was too fresh.

The sun's light peaked over the horizon at that moment, bathing us in its soothing warmth. Cali turned towards it as the light hit her face and closed her eyes. Slowly, she began to smile. At last, the hope I sought for her recovery began to well up inside me and I too, found the ability to enjoy the dawn.

Two days later we returned to Imladris. Everyone who saw us expressed their condolences to Cali and their sorrow at the departure of the Halfling. She spoke to no one, but headed for her home. Outside her door we hugged and she went in alone. I felt a sharp pang of worry for the brief moment I heard the door lock. I stood for several long moments staring at the door before turning to leave. That was when I saw Elrond standing down the hall, watching me. He simply nodded and left.

Several days went by and Cali still had not emerged from her room before the worry took hold. We all knew she needed her space, as anyone would after such a trauma, but I could no longer let her confine herself. I knocked on the door several times but received no answer. Tyssa repeatedly tried to talk with her, pleading with her to open the door, but to no avail. I finally decided on the fourth day that, if she didn't open the door I would.

I climbed the stairs to her home with a basket of food and knocked. After a long silence I knocked again, harder. Finally, not caring who heard me, I threatened to open the door myself. The lock was quietly slid back.

I opened the door slowly and then cautiously slid inside. Out of courtesy for her, I locked it again. When I looked around the room she wasn't there. Setting the basket down on the table I made my way to her bedroom where I found her curled up under the blankets. I went and knelt by her bed and caressed her cheek with my hand. She opened her eyes and frowned.

"I brought you food, Cali," I said. She did not respond. "We're all worried about you," I pressed on, "why haven't you come out?" She held my gaze for several long moments before wordlessly turning away from me. I stared at her back, trying to figure out what I should do. I knew what she wanted - she would have me leave her alone so she could grieve in peace, but that was not how it was going to be. I loved her too much to allow her to mourn forever in seclusion while her concerned friends waited outside.

"Well that's it, then," I said. I walked out over to her balcony and spotted Tyssa outside. I had asked her to wait there for me before I came up and was staring at the door expecting me to emerge any moment. She jumped in surprise as I called to her, not from the door, but from above.

"You didn't break in, did you?" she said with concern.
"No, she let me in, and now that I'm here I'm not leaving."
"Is she alright?"
"She's fine. I don't know how long this is going to take, so you'll have to bring up food for us while were in here." She nodded. "She's really upset," I said softly. She nodded.

"Well I would be too, in her place." We looked at each other in shared sympathy before she went off to report the news. I walked back inside and spotted Cali's favorite chair by the window. I went over to the bookcase, picked up the thickest volume I could find and sat. I was going nowhere.

Five months passed as I watched over her. After the first month she finally emerged from her bedroom. At first I had just left food in her room, finding an empty tray when I went in later to check on her. Then I decided to start leaving it outside the door. The next week it was down the hall, and within a month I had her sitting at the dining table. It was another month after that before she would speak to me. We were sitting at the table together one evening when she finally broke the silence. It startled me so much I actually bumped my knee on the underside of the table.

"Thank you," she said simply. She looked almost ashamed for speaking and quickly cast her eyes back down. I reached across the table and took one of her hands in mine.
"You're welcome."

Soon after we began talking. Small talk at first, and then the conversations turned to Drogo. She talked on and on about their time together and the fun they had. She then usually went on to lament his leaving and to wonder aloud if he ever loved her in the first place. I would of course remind her that he worshiped the ground she walked on and that his leaving hurt him as much as her.

In the middle of the fifth month King Thranduil sent for me. I refused the summons, but the herald would not leave without me. His Majesty 'demanded' my presence. So grudgingly, I went. I was just getting through to Cali and I loathed leaving her alone at such a critical time, but it could not be helped. I explained the situation as much as I could and vowed to be back as soon as I was able. She just nodded quietly and retreated to her room. I asked Tyssa to care for her though, and Cali let her in.

Thranduil had wanted me to be part of an escort for one of his daughters to southern Mirkwood. I explained the situation he had taken me from in Imladris, but he shook his head and said 'let the Noldo deal with their own!' And so I went on my errand and took leave of him as soon as I was able. When I returned a month later, Cali was again withdrawn and Tyssa told me she had not spoken a word to her. I thanked her and resumed my post - with a bigger book.

There was one morning that I will never forget. It was a little over a week after I returned from Mirkwood and I was standing on Cali's balcony watching as the sun began its long climb to blanket the world in its radiance. She walked up behind me so softly that I didn't at first hear her feet. She touched my arm and I looked at her, seeing something I did not recognize in her eyes. Something I couldn't name had changed while I was gone and I feared it was something terrible.
She took my hand and slowly and hesitantly guided it to her stomach. It took me several long moments to realize what she had done.

"Cali…" I couldn't believe it. I wanted to believe that I was wrong, that I had assumed something that wasn't true. But then I finally recognized the look in her eyes. It had seemed so strange to me at first since it had not been there in almost a year. I simply couldn't believe that I finally saw unbridled joy in those depths.

"I'm pregnant, Lindir," she said. Then, for the first time in seven months, she smiled.