Chapter Seven: The Birth of Love
Tyssa was the second to know. We were both so surprised that she had actually spoken that the news itself seemed almost an afterthought. It seemed to us that the joy she felt at the pregnancy had overridden her grief at the loss of Drogo. It was still there, just buried.
It wasn't long before all of Imladris knew about it, but there was one very large problem. Most had assumed that I was the father. It took another month before the talk turned from 'Lindir's child' to 'the halfling's child'. There were still some that held firmly to the belief that the baby was mine, but I suspect it was merely because they did not wish to believe the alternative.
The news had come swiftly to Elrond, and he soon arranged a meeting with Cali in her home. He sat her down and asked her straight out if the child was indeed Drogo's. When she confirmed it he sat back, sorting out the possible consequences of what that could mean. The room was silent for a long time as he meditated on the situation, but then he finally spoke.
"I see that this is a fate that was meant to be from the beginning, and that this child has come into being for a purpose." He sat in thoughtful silence for several more minutes before continuing. "What that purpose is I cannot tell, but I know that when the time comes, the child will be the only one capable of fulfilling the task." A heavy silence followed as his words were taken in. Even to this day as I write this I still do not understand his words, but I believe every one of them, and so did Cali. No one had ever dreamed that a child could come out of Cali and Drogo's relationship, but it made sense to all of us that there had to have been some greater purpose that was hidden from everyone.
Two months later I was again called away. It had been ten months since our first return from the Shire, and we were all anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new baby. I pleaded with the herald to let me stay, but he was as stubborn as Thranduil, and so I had to leave. I then left in haste, hoping to make it back in time for your birth.
As it turned out, however, I returned to Imladris when you were a week old. I arrived in a violet twilight, and everything glowed with an ethereal light. I remember it vividly as being magical and dreamlike. Tyssa met me at the gates with a huge smile and quietly ushered me up to Cali's room.
We entered quietly and found you asleep in your mother's arms. Cali looked up and smiled, pointing to a seat near her bed. I sat beside her and finally got my first look at you.
At first I could hardly believe how small you were. You were less than half the size of an elf child but everything about you was perfect. Your head was covered in fine dark hair and your face, which was bright red and wrinkled, was the cutest thing I'd ever seen. I kept staring at your tiny hand opening and closing in your sleep. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch you, but was afraid that I would break you if I did. I was mesmerized with every detail and every move you made. I'm sure many moments passed as I looked at you, but it felt like hours.
"Do you want to hold her, Lindir?" I thought I'd dreamed it. Did I want to hold you? Of course I did! I didn't speak, just nodded. Then I realized, as the absurdity hit me, that in all my years in Arda I had never learned how to hold an infant. After getting over my embarrassment and a bit of coaching from Tyssa, I at last had you in my arms.
You weighed practically nothing. You began squirming the instant you were moved and I felt uncontrollable laughter inside me as your little hand closed around my thumb. Then you opened your eyes. "They're brown!" I said in surprise. Cali smiled sleepily.
"I guess there's no doubt now who the father is," said Tyssa. "She looks just like him." I nodded absently, still captivated by your eyes. I knew in that moment what Cali had meant when she described the first time she had looked into Drogo's eyes. They were so big and so dark, and I just fell into them. We continued to marvel at you for so long that I had lost track of the time and when Tyssa finally looked back over at Cali she was asleep. We grinned at each other.
"So how did it go?" I asked quietly. Tyssa smiled.
"There was no pain at all," she said. "She was so small that by the time the midwife arrived Mélanyë was already in the bed with her."
"Mélanyë? Is that her name?" Tyssa nodded. I looked down at your perfect little face and smiled. "How appropriate."
Your infancy was incredibly short. We were all surprised at how fast you grew. It seemed to us that you went to sleep one night an infant and the next day you were walking. Speech came somewhat slower, though, as you only began using sentences at around two years. Everyone enjoyed teaching you though!
Cali was overjoyed. She positively glowed with happiness and you became her whole world. She was as merry as she had been when Drogo had lived with us. Many believed that it was you who had saved her. After Drogo left, nothing could reach through her grief, but you did. We all have you to thank for her pulling through that difficult time.
Early on, Cali had decided that telling Drogo of your birth would only cause him to feel obligated to return to Imladris. She knew him well enough for that and so she decided not to tell him. Not yet anyway.
"Maybe one day when she's older," she told me, "but I could never lay this burden on him. He left because he missed his home. If he knew we had a child, he would always miss his home. He would never be happy again." As we talked you slept soundly in her arms and I looked down at you as she spoke. I couldn't imagine how he could not be happy here if he saw such a beautiful child. As I looked on your perfect little face, I couldn't imagine myself ever being sad or depressed ever again with you there. Even when you were that small, you had completed me- I became a whole person the day you were born, even though I didn't understand the feeling. I couldn't imagine ever leaving Imladris again, and so at last I decided to seek out Elrond.
I walked into his study as he was poring over one of his ancient volumes, probably something salvaged from Numenor or Gondolin, but he did not look up as I approached. He smiled though, and spoke as if I had been standing with him for the past hour. "Isn't it amazing how things just work out to their appointed end?" he said. Confused, I looked over his shoulder to what he was reading and saw that it was, in fact, a volume from ancient Numenor. He was reading genealogies of the past kings, and I couldn't understand what that had to do with me. He looked up.
"She's grown on you, hasn't she," he said, "The girl- Mélanyë. I can see it in your eyes." He closed the book and walked over to its space on the shelf. "You came here to ask me something, Lindir?" he said. I heard, rather than saw the grin on his face.
"I want to stay in Imladris," I said plainly. He knew what I would say anyway, so there was no sense working up to my point. He replaced the book on the shelf and turned, this time his expression was almost unreadable. Not happy, yet not sad.
"It is your fate to stay here, Lindir," he said. "But not for the reason that you would ask it." Reading the confusion on my face he softened his expression. "You may stay, Lindir." He came closer and placed a strong hand on my shoulder. "I already prepared a place for you." In a rare moment of levity, we laughed together. With that over, I prepared myself to inform Thranduil.
I went for a short visit, and when I entered the King's halls, Thranduil looked surprised to see me. He had been discussing something with his son, who sat in a chair next to him and stood as I entered.
"Lindir," said the King, "It is a rare day indeed when you return without a summons. What brings you back to my halls?" He motioned for me to sit in the seat his son had emptied but I remained standing. They looked at each other and then back at me. "Is it not a common courtesy to sit when a seat is offered?" "I won't be staying, Your Majesty," I said. "I have come to tell you that I have decided to stay in Imladris." The prince looked up at me in surprise.
"I don't understand," he said. "You, of all people, deciding to live among the Noldor?" I nodded and smiled softly. I had known the King's younger son since he was a child. He'd always been very perceptive, but a bit critical. He knew as well as anyone where I had come from and why I had left, so it's understandable why he would react this way. I smiled at him.
"Yes, Legolas," I said. "I cannot stay angry at them forever. It was Fëanor's anger that was the undoing of the Noldor, so instead of more anger, should we not show them kindness and forgiveness?" There was silence, complete silence, before Thranduil spoke.
"You are right, Lindir. If we are to remain angry with them for their folly, how are we any better? You say you wish to live among them, and so I wish you luck." He stood and put his hands on my shoulders. "My fathers accepted you in your hour of need many years ago, and so I release you in the same way. You are always welcome in my realm for as long as it lasts. Farewell." I bade farewell to Legolas, and to my friends throughout the realm, promising to visit when I could. At last as I was leaving I took one last long look at the great Elven city before making my way back to the mountains and Imladris beyond.
For the next few years we watched as you grew. I spent as much time as I could with you, and so I became your guardian whenever Cali would be otherwise busy. This began to happen quite often as you got older, for she'd often go off on her own to think, or just have time to herself. I knew that Drogo had never left her thoughts, and that every time she looked at you she saw him. I just assumed that it was this that she was trying to reconcile and so I let her be. You were five years old when she finally let it out. She gathered us together, Tyssa, Hallath and myself, and told us her thoughts.
"I want to take Mélanyë to see it," she said, "to see the Shire. She should see it since she is from there." She looked around anxiously at her silent friends before continuing. "She is a hobbit after all, she deserves to know where she came from." We were all silent for several more minutes. Finally, Tyssa spoke.
"Cali," she said. "Could it be that you only want a chance to see Drogo again?" she asked. "Is it wise for you to go back to the Shire, so soon after losing him? It could be hurtfu l- to you and also to Mélanyë. Do you really want to risk that?" Cali cast her eyes down in thought, and then looked up again at her friends.
"You're right, Tyssa, I do want to see him, but I also want him to see her. He should know, even though I know he won't return with us." She paused and smiled. "But I do want Mélanyë to see the Shire at least once in her life."
And so a small company set out for the Shire. Elrond had grudgingly agreed to the trip, but on the condition that one of his sons came along. It took nearly a week to get there since everywhere we would stop to rest you wanted to play. None of us minded, in fact we were somewhat encouraging of the delay. There was no reason to rush, and the lands we traveled through were lush and fair. When we finally reached the Shire it was almost sad, because we knew we'd be turning back soon. Cali was excited beyond words, however, and eagerly led us to the woods.
Cali, Tyssa and I took you to the edge of the trees and peered through. We had never seen the Shire in the day before and so we were all quite surprised at the number of hobbits out and about. The place was alive with them doing all sorts of tasks.
Cali scanned the crowds anxiously searching for Drogo. At last her face lit up and she pointed you in the right direction. "There!" she said, "there he is!" You were so young you didn't understand what was going on, but smiled and clapped anyway. We all watched as Drogo stood over something in what seemed to be the town square. Then as he turned, we all saw what that something was. A very pregnant hobbit lass. The expression on Cali's face was heartbreaking. She looked as if she had just been punched in the stomach. She handed you over to Tyssa and then stumbled back through the woods. Tyssa gave me a worried look and I went after Cali.
I found her a few metres away sobbing. I watched as she slowly collapsed to the ground and I rushed over, picking her up into my lap. She clutched at me as if I was a lifeline, as if I were the last thing keeping her in this world. I held her, begging desperately for her to stop.
"Cali, stop this!" I commanded harshly. "You can't let yourself do this!" I took her roughly by the shoulders and forced her to look at me. "Think of your daughter." I said. That was the only thing that got through to her. The crying lessened and she actually looked me in the eye. "She needs her mother, Cali," I said. There was a long moment of silence while my words sunk in.
"Ammë?" your small sweet voice cut through the silence like a ray of sunshine. I looked up and saw the fright on your delicate features. "Ammë, what's wrong?" Your lower lip quivered and I saw your eyes mist over. I realized then that you'd never seen anyone sad, much less your mother. It just didn't exist in your little world. 'How innocent that must be', I remember thinking.
"Oh, Mélanyë!" Cali cried out and extended her arms to you. You rushed in gladly and she cradled you closely to her. "I love you so much, Mélanyë!" Cali whispered into your hair, "you're all I have left of him now." You looked up at her with those big innocent eyes of yours.
"Who?" Cali paused, as if she was about to tell you, but then smiled and stroked your cheek instead.
"It doesn't matter, sweetheart," she said. She then stood and picked you up in her arms. You lay your head on her shoulder and flung your arms about her neck like you always did. "Come, Mélanyë, it's time to go home." I heard the pain in her voice, but thankfully, you didn't. She carried you out of the woods, and did not look back.