I'm very dissatisfied with the way this chapter turned out. I was hoping to write something to leave the reader in tears (and i know it's possible cuz i've been affected like that from other stories) but it ended up pretty lame. If anyone out there is good with melodrama i would greatly appreciate some advice. recognition will be duly awarded of course. And hell, if someone wants to rewrite the whole chapter be my guest.
And the emotion manifestations in this chapter are NOT the same entities Cyborg and Beast Boy met in Nevermore. Those were repressed personalities. My understanding is that she is forced to repress those behaviors because they would elicit too much emotion in her (if anyone understands this better lemme know)
One of my goals with this chapter is to bring the reader who knows nothing of the comics to understand my Raven completely.
disclaimer: despite my referring to her as my Raven, she is the property of....DC i guess....or maybe WB....Cartoon Network?
Chapter 2: Raven
The night air was cold and somewhat turbulent atop Titan Tower. This didn't phase Raven as she had ventured to the roof many a time when she could not find peace elsewhere. She walked to a spot she knew to be relatively well shielded from the wind and sat in lotus position with her back to the wind so that she would not lose the warmth of her cloak.
Her focus had not been good since dinner. She was never a big meat eater and did not know her limits. The digestive burden of the large meal was impacting heavily on her clarity of mind and ability to focus. She was tempted to simply drift off to sleep but she had made it a point to meditate every night before bed, lest her hidden feelings come to haunt her in her dreams. An emotional dream was just as dangerous as a waking emotion because, apparently, emotions don't care whether or not what they react to is real or imaginary.
But this was not her main concern at the moment. Her outburst had frightened her as such episodes usually meant Trigon was on the verge of waking up. Now would be a critical period in which she would have to retain a heightened state of focus and non-feeling until the demon was done stirring and had fallen back to sleep. She sought her center and began to chant her mantra. Soon she was in her meditation space. This was her nightly meditation routine. She would sit in a receptive trance as each emotion which had wished to express itself throughout the day presented itself to her one at a time. She would resist the temptation to feel each one of them and they would fade from her awareness, to be replaced by the next emotion in line and eventually nothingness. It was this nothingness that signaled to her that she was ready for sleep.
Over time this nothingness had become harder and harder to achieve. It seemed that each emotion became more insistent the more it came up in her meditations, as if each time it wished to be expressed it became more powerful. Luckily, her powers of concentration had also been improving steadily as she continued her routine and so she was able to maintain the upper hand over even the most insistent emotions. This was another reason why alone-time and peace was so important for her. She had to continue to train and develop her focus lest she fall behind her adversaries and be bested. It doesn't take much to cause Trigon to begin to awaken and even minor stirrings such as this one demanded a dedicated effort to contain the evil which finds its way to the surface. Should Trigon ever be fully awakened, it is doubtful that the universe would survive.
And this burden she carried alone. Even if she could bring someone to understand, there would be no way in which they could help. Even with her superhero friends supporting her, there was no way they could truly fight her battle along side her. She was utterly alone and it was the emotion of Despair that had become the strongest of the bunch. Her frustration at her internal struggle and hopeless situation had also ensured that Anger was the second strongest. Indeed the outburst this evening was a combination of Despair and Anger insisting upon expression. The limited expression they managed to wrest from Raven made enough of an internal ruckus to cause Trigon to stir.
Despair was prominent in her mind tonight as with most nights and so it was the first to show itself. Raven's soul self levitated upon a floating stone surface in her meditation space. The grey form of Despair floated up out of the stone and stared at Raven with tears welling up in its eyes. It looked identical to her except for the color of its cloak and the perpetual expression of sadness. It was about twice Raven's size and floated with its torso out of the stone floor and its trembling face looking down at Raven's face from inches above it. It broke down and began to cry pitifully.
"All Alone.." It sobbed into Raven's expressionless face. "I can't fight like this forever. Why me... Why must I be cursed to fight an eternal battle all alone?!"
The crying turned to bawling and Raven felt herself become tired from the effort of ignoring the pitiful creature before her.
"No one will ever understa-hand. The boy who tried, I brought him to the brink of tears…. and still he is helpless to save me. I cannot help myself… only spread my misery to others." Whined the hysterical manifestation, tears streaming from bloodshot eyes over cheeks raw from the perpetual friction of salty palms.
Raven desperately wished to cry but she held her ground, trembling and breathing heavy with effort. She made a quick effort to control her breathing. The last time her breathing became ragged like this during Despair's appearance she began sobbing uncontrollably and almost lost the battle.
"My friends… don't understand. They can't. They don't… even like me because I… ruin their fun with my personal needs. My struggle… makes me lonely… and forces me to… push my friends away… at the same time."
Despair had run out of words and was instead winding up for its final attempt at being felt. It sobbed harder as its inhalations became shorter. Finally, it was crying in such a way that its face contorted in suffering, stuck in a perpetual silent sob that suffocates its victim by forcing their diaphragm to crush their lungs as their mouth stays open, waiting for the inhalation that does not come. It is the state one finds themselves in when they are crying too hard and bawl louder and louder until they are forced silent by the momentum and cannot bring themselves to inhale. It was Despair's most powerful display and Raven had been expecting it.
Raven grit her teeth and locked her jaw. Her effort had her sweating, shaking, and full of pain. She focused on her breathing as best she could. She found this to be the best strategy when confronting Despair.
"And they can't even be considerate enough to give me the peace I need to fight it alone!" Raven heard in front of her.
Despair had been replaced by Anger.
"They have no appreciation for my plight!"
Anger's face began to match its burgundy cloak.
"I'M BATTLING TO SAVE THE @#$% UNIVERSE HERE!!! THE LEAST THEY CAN DO IS SHUT UP EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE!!!"
Raven was exhausted from Despair but stubbornly fought the resentment that was forcing its self into her.
"IDIOTS!!! WHY MUST THEY BE SO FOOLISH!!! WITH THEIR MINDLESS VIDEO GAMES, POINTLESS ARGUMENTS AND ENDLESS DISRUPTION!!! I'VE TOLD THEM OVER AND OVER!! THEY MUST BE MORONS TO NOT HAVE GOTTEN THE @#$% POINT BY NOW!!!"
Raven was cast into the day's experiences all over again, those in which her 'friends' ruin her concentration with their foolish diversions. Her face began to turn red and she was still shaking from Despair. Her strategy against Anger focused on containing this shaking which, unchecked, could become a vehicle for a burst of frustrated energy. She concentrated on bringing this shaking under control.
"TRIGON YOU @#$% BASTARD!!! GET THE @#$% OUT OF MY SOUL!!!! THIS @#$% IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!! MOTHER YOU @#$% WHORE!!! WHAT KIND OF DIRTY SLUT @#$%s A DEMON!!!
Anger was shrieking at the top of its lungs. Raven was finding the shaking more difficult than usual to control. Despair had been particularly harsh today and her huge meal had put a serious damper on her powers of concentration. In spite of her handicaps, Raven struggled to brace herself for Anger's grand finale.
"@#$%!!!! WHY THE @#$% DID I HAVE TO BE BORN!!!"
Anger began clawing at its face, tearing at its own flesh.
"@#$% ME!!! @#$% ME!!!!!!!!!! THIS @#$% BODY IS MY PRISON!!!! THIS UNIVERSE IS NOT MY @#$% RESPONSIBILITY!!!
And just like every night since her earliest memories, amidst the shouts of a maniacal Anger and the sites and sounds of exposed gore being raked with fingernails, a trembling, wretched, lonely Raven struggles with all her will not to kill herself.
Suddenly a sweet voice was heard and she was shown an image of Patch looking at her almost in tears.
"Someone really wants to understand, really wants to help."
Raven felt warmth begin to build in her solar plexus and immediately went to work fighting it. Hope had tried to sneak up on her. Raven was caught off guard and almost succumbed. It was a close call and she was determined not to let it happen again. Raven only had to keep up her resistance for a few more moments before the glimmering silver form of Hope flickered out. It was a weak emotion after all.
She shifted her consciousness for a moment to check on Trigon. He was stirring from her episode earlier this evening but did not appear to be waking. Relieved, she shifted back to her routine. She was confronted by many more less insistent emotions such as Appreciation, Joy, Doubt, Curiosity, etc. Her consciousness was battered by her two initial confrontations but her near disastrous taste of Hope actually seemed to strengthen her for the remainder of her meditation.
When she had achieved nothingness, she dwelled in its comfort for some time before finally opening her eyes and her awareness to the cold concrete loneliness of Titan Tower roof. She stood and stumbled as she felt a pain in her stomach. The wind blew and she realized she was covered in caked sweat. It had indeed been a particularly difficult session. She took a step towards the door but with a sharp pain her stomach reminded her of its distress. She decided she would fast for a couple days. She could not afford to burden her digestion further, especially in this critical period. A sharp gust of arctic wind almost tore her cloak from her and reminded her that she also could not afford to catch a cold. She turned towards the door and walked carefully home with her characteristic look of total and utter apathy.
**********[end of chapter 2]**********
as i said, i would greatly appreciate advice from people who are good with melodrama or perhaps actually have manifestations of their emotions yell at them.