Chapter Nine: Meldanya Mélanyë
The years that followed were a time of change for all of us. We all watched in awe as in ten short years you grew from a child to an adult. A very small adult to be sure, but still matured. No one wanted to admit that you had grown up, and I think it was a source of great frustration for you. Most treated you as any elf of 20. Norín herself was still very small, and it was amazing to think that only a few years ago you were smaller than her. The changes caused a bit of tension between you and some of the other children, but never with Norín. When the others laughed and even taunted, she was right there to help you through it. It was as if she hadn't noticed the changes. Myself, I found them impossible to ignore.
As a child you had enchanted me. As an adult, I had fallen hopelessly in love. I didn't realize that it was happening until it was too late. I told myself over and over that you were just a child, my best friend's daughter, but my heart wouldn't listen. All I had to do was look at you and it was as if I was under a spell woven by your beauty. I had never felt this way about anyone before and it was almost as if I was the one who had changed. You didn't seem affected by it at all.
You were about eighteen when Cali first expressed her desire to return to the Wild. I had know it was coming for some time, but I didn't expect her to want to leave so soon. Cali had always been a very physical person and couldn't bear to stay in one place for too long. She wasn't truly happy unless she was doing something constructive. She also loved her job wholeheartedly- not the slaying of Orcs, but protecting others from them. The knowledge that she was ensuring the way of life for thousands of elves, hobbits and other peoples was what she thrived on. I think at this point she needed to feel that again, not only that she was protecting others, but also this time she would be protecting you. Unfortunately, that meant that she had to be away from you.
"I'm going out next week," she said to me that Autumn. We were sitting by the waterfall as the sun began to set. You were in your bakery as usual- ever since you had discovered that place when you were twelve it was as if you'd never left it. In that way you were a lot like your mother. Once you found something you loved you had to do it all the time. It was like it was a part of you, and you couldn't be yourself if you weren't doing it.
"What about Mélanyë?" That was all I could think to say. I knew there was no stopping her when her mind was made up about something, but I had to at least try.
"I want you to stay with her," she said. She turned to me and immediately began her defense. "I won't be gone for very long at a time, just a month or two. You could go out while I'm home. Do you not feel the need to go out as well?" I sighed and nodded. She was right. I too had wanted to return to the borders, but my desire to stay with you was stronger. Her plan seemed to take care of both needs.
"What will you tell her?" She looked down at the ground beneath her feet and picked a small flower.
"I don't know, I.." she said, more to herself than to me. "I guess I'll have to tell her what I do. What we do. And why we do it. It won't be easy." We sat for a long time together just staring into the falls.
"This view always reminds me of my home," I said finally, changing the subject. "My real home, I mean…in Aman," Cali looked to me with cautious interest. I rarely spoke of home since it usually stirred up unwanted memories in both of us. However, for whatever reason, I continued. "There was a waterfall just like this near my parents' home where I used to go. I'll never forget that place. The beaches were strewn with gems. Pearls were as commonplace as the rocks and seashells." I looked at her and saw a dreamy smile as she pictured it. "There was a pool at the bottom," I pointed down at the one beneath us, "just like this one, but far deeper. One of the Vanyar had brought a gem from Valmar- bigger than any I'd ever seen. It was filled with the light of Telperion, or so he said. I think it was one of Fëanor's early attempts at a Silmaril." I looked at her and smiled. "The gem was dropped into the bottom of the pool, filling it with its radiance."
"I wish I could have seen it," she said, and I saw a shadow pass over her face.
"No you don't." My own heart had been filled with longing to see that great pool again, but I knew it was impossible. I had left in anger, and so I could never go back.
"Lindir-" She took a deep shuddering breath. "I'm so sorry...what they, what we did to you and your family.."
"Cali, no, You weren't even born then," I said. "You're parents were no older than I was at the time. You had nothing to do with it."
"It's no excuse," she said firmly. "I am a Noldo. My ancestors took part in it. I bear the blood of your parents as much as they did." I shook my head.
"No…don't say such things," I told her. I wanted desperately to alleviate the terrible guilt I knew she carried over nothing more than the family she had been born into. I remembered that at the time when it happened, I wanted nothing more than to see the Noldor suffer as I had, but as I grew older I learned better. Harboring sadness and hatred accomplishes nothing more than to cause more hatred and more evil. Only in letting go of those feelings could I be free of it. That was why Mandos had cursed Fëanor and his sons. He knew they would never let go of their hate.
"Lindir?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you miss your parents?"
"Every day." We were silent for many moments and I watched as she twirled the flower between her fingers. "What about you? You never told me of your parents." Even as I said it I wished I hadn't. I remembered the sadness on her face when the subject had come up before and didn't wish to see that again. Nevertheless, she answered.
"They were slain." she said simply, almost coldly. I didn't pry, just let her say as much as she wanted. "I learned at a very young age what had happened at Alqualondë, and that my grandparents had participated. My parents, however, did not agree with Fëanor and his sons. They paid the price." She paused and I saw her draw a medallion from her pocket. "This jewel is all I have left of them." She held it up for me to see. It was the size of her palm and wrought of silver. As the sun hit its surface I saw that each marking was made of a separate gem. The light shone through it and projected the image onto her tunic. She hid it again after only a few moments. "It's the crest of a house that has dishonored itself," she said coldly. "There are days when I wish I wasn't one of them, but then I think of my parents, and…"
I saw the tears on her cheeks and wiped them away with my hand. She looked up at me as I did, and then before I knew what I was doing, I kissed her. It was a very soft, sweet kiss, but for some reason I can't explain it felt very wrong. When we parted we both looked at each other as if we had just done some forbidden act. The truth was, I found out later, nearly all of Imladris was waiting for the day we would announce our marriage, but it would never be. We stared at each other for several awkward moments before I let out a nervous laugh.
"That was..."
"Yeah." she smiled at me. "I don't know what's wrong, Lindir, I just...I just can't do it."
"Me neither." She lay her head on my chest and we held each other for a long time. "I do love you," she said, "but not like this. The truth is," she paused and smiled at me, "I think you're already in love with someone." I was slightly confused, but happy that the awkwardness had passed.
"Who?" She grinned.
"Don't act like you don't know," she said with a sly grin, "You can't lie to me." She slapped me playfully on the arm and got up to leave. She was almost down the slope when she turned. "Oh, and Lindir?" I looked up. "You have my blessing." With that she tossed two silver rings at me and left. I caught them and turned them over in my hands thoughtfully for several long moments. It wasn't until later that I figured out what she meant.
I found you and your mother in the bakery later that evening. I remember it all as if it had happened yesterday. You were making cookies and were covered with chocolate. Cali saw me and smiled.
"Look, Mélanyë! Lindir brought you a gift!" You ran over to me eagerly as you always did and started searching my hands for the promised gift. In my left hand I still clutched the silver rings Cali had given me.
"Oh Lindir, they're beautiful!" you cried as you looked them over. "but there's two..." Then your face lit up and I knew exactly what you were thinking. "Here," you said, "you keep one, and I'll keep the other!" Then you slipped one of the rings onto your finger and did the same to me. To this day it still amazes me how absolutely innocently you fulfilled the betrothal. You then kissed my cheek and ran off to finish your work. Cali stood beside me with a proud grin and crossed arms.
"Cali, did you say-"
"Not a word." she said.
We helped you with your work, to your delight, until you were finished. Then we took you back home, sat you down and explained to you that your ammë was a soldier trained to kill. At first you didn't understand. You didn't even know what that word meant. With no other way to explain it, Cali took you to the armory. The walls were covered with swords and bows, shields and coats of mail of all different sizes and styles. You looked around in awe and remarked on their beauty, but then Cali took a dagger down from the shelf.
"What's that for?" you asked, so incredibly innocently. With a grim face Cali made a small cut in her hand. You watched, almost frozen for several long minutes before looking up at us with wide eyes. You had only just a few years before cut yourself for the first time in the kitchen. Before that you'd never seen blood or even known that it was possible to hurt yourself. As you stood then, watching the blood begin to drip from Cali's hand, tears fell from your eyes.
"These are yours?" you asked her. She nodded solemnly. "and you do this…to other people?" I quickly put a comforting hand on your shoulder and crouched beside you.
"Not people, melda, wolves and evil creatures." In your eyes I saw you try to sort out all this new and strange information. I could only imagine how hard this was for you to accept, that the two closest people to you in the world routinely caused pain in others.
"But you must understand, Mélanyë, we do this to protect our home," said Cali. "If we weren't out there those wolves and goblins could come here and hurt us. It's important that we do this." You thought in silence for a long time as we tried to gauge your reaction. After a heavy silence, you spoke in a quivering voice.
"But what if someday they hurt you?" Cali and I looked to each other, but neither of us could find words to answer you.
For the next few months the two of us gradually got back to our work. Cali would go out for a month or so, and then as she would come back I would go. The reason for this was that you would never be alone, but it seemed that was impossible. You had made so many friends, Norín, and also Elrohir, Elladan and Arwen to name a few, that you were always busy with something. Many times when I was home you barely had time to see me in the day. It was at night when we usually were together.
The first time this happened was about a week after your mother first left. I was sitting in Cali's (now my) chair reading one night when you called to me from your room. You were supposed to be sleeping and I was there as always in case you needed me. I got up to see what it was and found you sitting up and clutching your blankets for dear life.
"What is it?" I came to sit beside you and noticed that you were shaking in fear. You let go of the blankets and latched onto me as soon as I was near.
"Over there," you said, letting go with one hand just long enough to point into a shadow in the corner of your room. The stars illuminated most of the area around your bed, but the sky light in your roof was only so big and the corners were very dark. I could see the figure of something there, but it was hard to make out. As I watched, something on it shone in the starlight and at the same moment your hand tightened around my arm.
"Okay," I said, "Why don't I go see-"
"No!" you cried, "The goblin will get you!" I couldn't help but chuckle. You had no idea what goblins even looked like. I kissed your hair and got up.
"I doubt that, melda," I said and went over to the mysterious figure. I saw as I got closer that it was your jewelry box that you had left open. The shine I saw was a pair of silver earrings. I closed the box and sat beside you again. "You see? Nothing to be afraid of." I kissed your forehead and got up to leave, but your hands remained clamped around my arm.
"Don't go," you said pathetically. How could I refuse such a plea? I ended up staying with you that night, and many nights afterwards. I held you in my arms until you fell asleep. Sometimes I would get up and read, others I would sleep also. I soon found that our nights together was as much a comfort for me as they were for you, and I came to look forward to them.
It was the summer of the next year when our scouts reported back with troubling news- wargs had been spotted near the Shire. The order was then given to resume our watch in the woods. I was called to go and so Cali stayed with you at home.
For some reason returning to that forest was very familiar and almost comforting to me. It was also sad, though, as memories of that day fifteen years ago, when we last saw Drogo through the trees began flooding back to me. I looked through the trees at the little town and wondered what he was doing then, and if he was with that young lass we saw with him. Her child would have been about fifteen years old and I wondered idly to myself if it was a half-brother or a half-sister you didn't know about.
I was in that forest for two months, but only once did we see wargs. They were few but strong, and only one had a rider. A scout. The Dark Lord, it seemed, was gathering information. I wondered uneasily why this was.
It was near the end of the second month when I was getting ready to leave when something happened, something I'd never told anyone until now. It was the end of the day and twilight was setting in. All the hobbits were in their homes, save for a few who were out as usual. I was meditating in my favorite spot on the edge of the trees overlooking the Baranduin. I always enjoyed the sounds in that place- the leaves rustling in the gentle wind, the sound of the water against the bank, the occasional birdsong. This night I heard the sound of two hobbits talking and laughing as they sailed down the river in a small boat. I just let them blend in with the other sounds and continued my meditation.
I was suddenly lurched back to reality minutes later when I heard a splash. I stood in alarm and looked around, seeing dark ripples in the water but no boat. As I watched the boat finally rocked into view confirming my fears- it was empty.
"HALLATH!" I cried, hoping he was nearby. Without waiting for him to respond I ran down to the bank and dove in. The water was dark and incredibly cold. My breath was knocked out of me by the shock, which only deepened my fears. If I, a Teleri accustomed to cold water, was affected this much, how much more so a hobbit?
Not too far down, I saw them. One was struggling to surface, the other was still. I swam down to reach the closer hobbit and saw to my shock that it was Drogo. I grabbed hold of him as I saw Hallath come up behind me to grab the other hobbit.
I finally surfaced and lifted the poor hobbit into the forest. He had lost consciousness on the way out of the water and wasn't breathing. Hallath came and laid the other hobbit next to Drogo- the hobbit lass we saw several years before.
"She's dead," he said sadly. I shook my head, unable to believe how fast it had all happened. Drogo wasn't moving either. His face was pale and cold and I could feel no life in him at all. He was gone too.
"We were too late," I said quietly. "It all happened so fast…one minute they were in the boat, the next," I looked up at Hallath and he frowned.
"Should we tell her?" he asked after a long silence. I slowly shook my head.
"It would only make things worse for her." We sat together mourning the passing of the two hobbits. After several hours we decided it best to just bury them. The only other option would be to put them back into the water, for we couldn't bring them to their families. They would have to find out another way. It was a sad decision, but it was the way it had to be. Then a thought hit me- what of their child? What would he or she do when they didn't come home? The only way I could even begin to understand the situation was to put you in it. What would you do if one day your mother never came home? I was almost sick at the thought. How would you even begin to deal with such pain, you who only recently discovered what that meant?
In the end we buried them together. Their graves were in a clearing just inside the woods marked with two large stones. After we paid our last respects we left, and told no one.