Chapter Ten: The Day the World Stopped

I returned home shortly after the incident and deeply buried any hint of what had happened for fear of Cali reading it in my eyes. She could always tell what I was thinking even if I didn't know it myself. I apparently did a good job, for I was welcomed as I always was.
Cali didn't go out right away this time. At first I was afraid that it was because she had in fact seen something in me, but I was wrong. The woods of the Shire had been quiet since I'd left, and there was no need for her to go until spring. Unfortunately this meant that when spring finally came, we would be going out together. This was the first time both of us had gone out together since before you were born.

"But ammë…" I saw tears in your eyes that you struggled to keep back. "I don't want you to go! I miss you so much when you go away!" She kissed your cheeks and hugged you.

"It'll be alright, mela," she said soothingly, "besides, you have both of us for the whole winter!" This brightened your mood a little, but time moved swiftly and soon the snow was melting and the frozen falls ran free again.

The day finally came when we were to leave. Cali had asked Elrohir to watch over you while we were away, but Elladan and Arwen had as much responsibility for you as he did. Arwen was your big sister. You looked up to her and tried as much as you could to be like her. She was of course flattered by your attention but she loved you even more than you loved her, if that were possible.

And so we left you behind. There was a sad farewell as we left the gates, and you stood between Elrohir and Arwen watching us go. I saw Cali quickly wipe away a stray tear as we traveled away from you, but didn't say anything.

We did our job, but neither of our hearts were in it. It didn't hold the same thrill as it used to, not while we were constantly thinking of you and the sadness we caused by our leaving. We didn't speak of this with each other until one day when it finally came out. We had been eating lunch together in silence when Cali whispered something to herself.

"Did you say something Cali?" She sighed and looked at me. She stared for a long time and then looked back to the ground.
"I shouldn't be here," she said. "How could I…leave her alone like this? I can't- but this is my job." She looked up at me again. "What to I do, Lindir? I love my daughter, but I love my job. I love this," she motioned around her at the camp. "The two don't fit together." I sighed.

"It seems pretty impossible," I said. "It's hard to have two commitments that don't agree with each other. They're pulling you in two different directions. Sooner or later you'll have to give one of them up." She shook her head.

"Give up my life?" she said wryly. "How could I do that? This is who I am, Lindir. I'm not a mother, I'm a fighter. But when I'm with Mélanyë…It's so hard! I can't choose!" She looked me in the eyes. "It's like being given a choice between losing your left arm or your right. You can't do it!" She stood and began pacing. "It's so frustrating! My life was so much simpler before I met Drogo, and yet, I can't imagine ever not meeting him." I sat and listened as she poured out her thoughts for me. Little did I know the danger I was in. I don't remember how, but we began to argue. It started out as suggestions of how she could have it both ways, but it ended up a debate over which was more important, you or her job. It pains me to write this, knowing that you will one day read it, but I have to tell the truth, no matter how much it will hurt.

After almost an hour, I was totally frustrated with her. We had been talking in circles for the past twenty minutes, and all I wanted was to quit the discussion, but finally the argument pushed us to the breaking point. I had one moment of weakness that I would regret for the rest of my life.
"Which do I choose?"
"I can't tell you that, Cali,"
"What would you choose?"
"I don't know…You've been out here on the borders for so much longer, but-"
"So you think that this is more important than my daughter?"
"I didn't say that-"
"But you meant it, is that right? You never approved of me and Drogo did you? What about Mélanyë? Do you approve of her?"
"Of course I do, what I meant to say was that at the time you weren't ready to have a child."
"So you think I'm a bad mother, is that it?"
"Cali, no, I didn't-"
"Just tell me, Lindir, tell me what you mean!"

"You never should have been in this position in the first place, Cali, Mélanyë was a mistake!" I remember this moment very clearly, but at the time it happened so fast. I suppose it was because I spent the rest of my life going over it, trying to find out why I said what I did, but to this day, I still don't understand it. She gasped sharply and I saw fire flicker in her eyes.

"How dare you say such things about her!" she shouted at me. I was sure others had heard, and was feeling self conscious instantly. "She has brought nothing but joy to my life, and you would have it that she not exist?" She came within an inch of my face and whispered to me. "What about you, Teleri? You were the mistake! Fëanor was kind and spared the children of the mariners. Perhaps he should have finished the job!" I slapped her then, full on the face and as hard as I could. That was the one and only time I ever struck another Elf. I knew it hurt too, because she stumbled backwards. That, and my hand ached for hours afterwards. I realized with some shock that I actually hated her for those few moments. I decided in my irrational state that this was it- no more forgiveness. An invisible line had existed between us that held our friendship together and she had just crossed it. I turned and left her alone with her anger.

I went as far as I dared away from the camp so that I could be alone and think. I walked all the way around in a wide circle, going over the incident in my head and trying desperately to find a way to forgive. I didn't want to have these ugly feelings, but I just couldn't stop them. I felt almost dirty for having them. At last in my wandering I came to the western shore and I stopped dead in my tracks. Standing barefoot in the shallow water, was Cali. Apparently she'd had the same idea I'd had.

I turned to go and leave her with her own thoughts, but for some reason I still haven't figured out to this day, I didn't. I stayed. When I did she turned, but she didn't see me hidden in the trees. She began to slowly walk towards me, looking down at the medallion as she turned it over in her hand. I didn't need to see it to know what it was.

She fingered it thoughtfully, and on her face I saw a deep sadness that somehow took me by surprise. It was only then that I realized that she felt as wretched about what had happened as I did. She came closer and closer until finally I could see the emblem clearly.

My eyes were again drawn to her face. I saw many emotions there that brewed just below the surface- sadness, regret, grief, hatred, and then finally, anger. In one fluid motion, she turned and launched the gem out into the ocean. I watched as it sailed up so far that even my eyes could not see where it landed. No one would ever find it again. Shoulders slumped in sorrow, she collapsed sobbing to the ground. I watched for several minutes until I turned away, unable to bear that heartbreaking sound any longer.

As I arrived back at the camp I found everyone up and rushing around. I saw with some trepidation that they were arming themselves. Hallath was about to pass by me and I stopped him by the arm.

"What's going on?"
"Aëron saw Orcs about two kilometers from the Northern borders of the forest." He looked around him anxiously. "He thinks they mean to reach the halflings through the woods." I nodded and he went back to his work. On pure instinct I began to arm myself and I donned my mail shirt. Then a thought struck me, and it hit me like a punch in the stomach.

'Cali is unarmed...'


Instantly I dropped what I was doing and ran the distance to the shore. I stopped, looking around breathlessly at the ocean, but she was nowhere to be found.

"Cali!" I cried, but there was no answer but my own voice echoing back at me. Cursing, I ran back, hoping that she had returned to camp. I found Tyssa strapping on her own weapons.

"Tyssa, have you seen Cali?"
"She told me about what happened, Lindir. What makes you think you two are speaking again?" she said coldly. I hadn't realized that I may have jeopardized my friendship with her as well, she herself a Noldo.

"Tyssa, this is serious! I can't find her and she's unarmed." Immediately her expression changed from scorn to worry. "We have to find her, Ty." Without a word she retrieved Cali's weapons. She handed me one of her swords and kept the other.

"We'll split up. I'll tell the others to watch for her." She then took me by the shirt and spoke softly to me. "You had better pray she's okay."

We had been searching for only a few minutes when I heard the first clash of swords. All I could do was keep searching and hope I found her in time. I ran frantically through the trees calling her name, but heard no answer. Several times during my search I was attacked by Orcs and had to stop and fight them off. At last I reached my destination- the Eastern borders of the woods.

Cali was standing there looking through the trees to the Shire. Clearly I saw the glistening tracks of tears streaking her cheeks as she watched the halflings below. I called to her, but either she didn't hear or she didn't care. I was about to go and get her when I saw the Uruk coming out of the trees behind her.

The next few seconds became so long and slow that it felt like several hours or even a whole lifetime. I felt frozen in place, and I could only watch, unable to help, as the Uruk raised his scimitar. I stared in horror as he struck her down and she fell limp to the ground. In an agonizingly slow motion I raised my bow and fired. My heart sank as I saw the arrow hit the tree beside its head. The Uruk looked up. Fiery red eyes pierced into mine. To this day the image of that horrible face is burned into my memory.

Before I realized what was happening he had crouched over Cali and taken her pendant in his huge clawed hands. In one motion he ripped it from her neck and disappeared southward into the woods.
Then at once the heaviness lifted from me and I felt as one who had just been released from a spell. I ran to Cali and saw the blood slowly creeping across her chest.

"Cali-"
"I'm sorry," she whispered hoarsely. Her voice rasped as she spoke and my heart ached at the sound of it. "I'm sorry, Lindir, I didn't mean to hurt you..."
"I know, Cali, it's over," I said to her as I assessed the damage. Her skin was pale and cold and I watched as her hands began shaking. I called for a healer, hoping that there was one close by.

"He took it," she continued, "He took Drogo's pendant..."
"Cali, please," I said, caressing her face, "You need to save your strength."
"Is it bad?"
"No," I lied, "It's not." She nodded.

"Lindir, I'm so sorry," she repeated. She was having trouble breathing but she kept on. "I didn't mean it. Can you forgive me?" She couldn't get all the words out and started coughing. I cradled her head in my lap and forced her to look up at me. The whole front of her shirt was soaked dark with blood and I feared what would happen if she saw.

"Of course I can," I said, rubbing her cheek with my thumb, "It's over- forgotten." As I said this Ganya and a few others came out of the woods and ran towards us. I saw Ganya's face blanch as he looked on her, and then he got to work. Hallath was there also with a stricken look on his face.

"Hallath!" He crouched beside me. "Tyssa is still looking for her, you need to go and get her." He nodded and ran back into the forest.

"Lindir," Ganya said. I looked up at him. He had spoken in Silvan. "What kind of weapon did this?" Cali looked up at me in confusion. Ganya and I both knew she couldn't understand us. I looked down and saw pure fear in her eyes.

"A scimitar," I told him, "but it was different...a different shape than others I've seen." Ganya nodded gravely. "What is it?"

"The blade was poisoned, Lindir," he said. Cali didn't need to speak Silvan to hear the doom in his voice. I felt her tremble as he spoke. "It's a kind I've never seen before. If I can't draw out all the venom..." He left the sentence unfinished. We stared at one another for several moments as the realization of what he'd just said sunk in. He quickly went back to his work, but I continued to stare in disbelief. When I finally looked back down at Cali, she had lost consciousness.