It would seem from the reviews that there's a general consensus that i have low self esteem. There were enough reviews telling me this that i actually went back and read all my author's notes to see where i gave off that impression. I have a few ideas of how i might have come off that way but that doesn't matter. Point is, i DON'T have low self esteem. I don't think i suck or that my writing sucks. I've also never (purposely) degraded myself. I think i have a pretty good idea where i stand.
I think the biggest thing people don't understand is why im dissatisfied with chapter 2. WintersIceAngel() pointed out that i have a gift for angst. The problem is, chapter 2 wasn't supposed to be angsty; it was supposed to be emotionally rousing. I was hoping to make something people read and start crying, not something they read and say "oh wow, that was really well written." It's like submitting a drawing of a horse into an art contest and then winning for my wonderful 'dog.'
To remedy this, from now on i'm going to act extra macho. I hereby order all of you to make me sandwiches. And when you're done you can wash my underwear.
Anyway, this chapter goes a little into the aftermath of Patch's intrusion and shows how Raven goes about getting rid of him. There's one part towards the end where Raven gets really pissed and starts having disgusting thoughts. I KNOW that this is out of character for her but at this point she's under major stress and her focus is terrible so these urges find their way to the surface.
On the same note, i tempered Cyborg a bit so those of you who thought him too intense in chapter 1, lemme know how he's doing now.
So anyway, i really have to start on all those semester projects assigned back in september cuz they're all due this week. So read this chapter slowly- you're going to have to make it last till around christmas.
Anyone else notice that my author's notes are longer than most peoples' chapters? I don't usually talk that much; must be the anonymity of the internet at work. Oh shit there i go again...
Chapter 7: Uninvited
By the height of the wax in her candles, Raven judged it to be sometime early evening, the time she had been waiting for. All day and all of the night before, she had been trying vainly to find restful sleep but it had eluded her stubbornly. Shortly after Patch had left her, she had begun to arrange her furniture to its original set-up, but she soon found that there was enough damage to her belongings and even to her walls that her room could never look itself again. Her decorative column was split near its bottom so that it tipped over and lay prone on the ground, her jars of incense and sage had been thrown to the ground and smashed, fully baring their contents, and her dresser drawer, which lay across the room, had been split down the middle of its dark face leaving her exposed undergarments to be covered in the dust which was once her antique globe. All in all, her room had been utterly altered, and Raven detested change of any kind, let alone to her own private quarters.
What sleep she managed to seize had quickly thrown her off with emotive dreams and nightmares, mostly recounts of her recent trauma. It seemed her mind was very much troubled by the events of that night, and she was forced to alternate between restless sleep and meditation so that her emotions don't get the best of her. Her methods had succeeded in preventing further demonic arousal but the routine was grueling and not very restful. Perhaps she would have had better luck in an environment not so tainted with brightness but she had been forced to stay in her room until now, so that she could avoid Patch until the perfect moment.
And that moment had arrived. By this point, dinner must have long since concluded so she wouldn't have to perform in front of a table of her fellow Titans, who would surely have something to say about her rudeness in uninviting their guest. This was also the time of day when everyone would be off doing their own thing- Robin in the weight room or the forensic lab, Starfire authoring transmissions in her room, and the other two playing their obnoxious video games, oblivious to anything that should happen in the real world. By the occasional shouts of triumph or defeat coming from the console room, she could tell that at least those two were already occupied.
Deciding the time was right and she was as ready as she could be, she stood from her lotus position in front of her bed. She almost blacked out and stumbled backwards, ending up sitting on her bed with both hands behind her for support and her expression dazed. Having spent almost twenty-four hours either sitting or laying, she had not noticed how weak her fast had made her. She realized that the burden from Mad Cow's had already left her- the fast was a success. She decided she would break it tomorrow morning.
She got back up again, slowly to avoid another head-rush. She stood still a moment to allow her circulation to adjust for standing, then proceeded to her door and exited her room. As her door locked behind her, she faintly heard Cyborg and Beast Boy's video game from the console room. The volume was unusually low. She could usually hear it from her room by this time of night. She didn't ponder this for long and turned to proceed to the bathroom to get a much needed drink of water and release a day's worth of bladder pressure.
***
Several minutes later, she approached the entrance to the console room. Cyborg and Beast Boy were playing their video game at reduced volume and apparently were deep in discussion. Raven listened from the shadows of the hallway.
"And those things are in you dude," came Beast Boy's voice, with restrained enthusiasm. "Like, in your thymus and brain and stuff!"
"So watcha sayin is…" Responded Cyborg, apparently not nearly as serious as Beast Boy. "It don't matter what I eat cuz I'm already crawlin with bugs anyhow."
"Well, yea… but… um…Patch?"
Patch?
"The true danger is not in exposure but in providing a hospitable environment."
His voice was naturally soft but he appeared to be almost whispering. If Patch was in conversation with Cyborg and Beast Boy, she would be met with much resistance, especially from Beast Boy. She decided it would be best to wait it out and catch Patch when he separated for whatever reason. She leaned against the wall, well in the shadows and tuned back in to listen for her chance.
"A problematic level of infestation can't be sustained without an abun-"
*Bang Pow*
"Ha Haaa!" Shouted Cyborg. "EAT IT ya marshmellowy piece of crap!"
Beast Boy growled.
"Cyborg, hush." Commanded Patch gently as if it had become routine.
"Oh right. Sorry." Came Cyborg, speaking quietly again. "You were sayin…"
"They can't live in you without a source of food."
"Like meat!" added Beast Boy, taking over for Patch."
"Actually," Came another, higher pitched voice. "Parasites enjoy all manner of dead organic material."
Starfire!?
"Umm…like meat?" Persisted Beast Boy.
"Starfire, I'm impressed with your memory." Patch commended as if he were a school teacher.
"Truthfully, it is the way of Parasites on my planet as well."
"It would seem that certain aspects of evolution are universal. I'd be interested to hear-"
"C'mon guys," Beast Boy whined. "Stay on-"
*Zap Thwack*
"HEY! Waay cheap!"
"Better keep your fuzzy green head in the game B." Mocked Cyborg.
"Beast Boy, control your outbursts." Reprimanded Patch. By the tone of his voice, this was apparently not the first time he's had to quiet Beast Boy.
"Dude, you're starting to sound like her." Beast Boy protested.
"Naw, if Raven was here, you'd be spin-kicked into the wall before you even figured out what she called you." Corrected Cyborg.
"Tell me about it. I still have a bruise from last week. And what is a dolt anyway?"
It was true. Even before Patch had arrived to make her life miserable she had been becoming increasingly mopey and violent. It seemed that no matter how hard she trained and how strictly she kept her routine, she was slowly losing the battle.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt a presence and heard footsteps coming from the hall behind her. She listened intently and recognized them as Robin's- she was cornered. What blasted timing! Not about to be caught snooping around, she decided she had no choice but to step into the console room and hope for the best. She shifted her full weight back onto her feet and quietly slipped around the corner into the console room. She saw the four of them on the couch, Starfire closest to her but facing the other way, and the other three with their heads turned towards the screen. Judging by Cyborg's victory pose and Beast Boy's grumbling, the game had just been decided.
"Shoulda known better than to stand so close to the edge when Samus is in the house." Boasted Cyborg, pumping his controller over his head victoriously.
"Man that spinny crap is cheap." Griped Beast Boy. "I want a rematch."
"Hey Patch, you want in?"
"Nah, let Beast Boy have his rematch."
"You sure? It's four players?"
Robin's footsteps had become much closer now. She sensed that he was deep in thought, probably returning from the lab or the study. Perhaps he would walk right past her and not even notice she was there.
"So then, all four of us could play simultaneously?" Asked Patch.
Cyborg and Beast Boy looked at each other, then to the floor. There was an awkward pause. Starfire spoke.
"The boys don't let me play." Said Starfire, a little embarrassed.
Patch looked to Cyborg and Beast Boy to find them both looking at the floor. Beast Boy looked up at him from one eye.
"Umm… you know sweaty controller syndrome?"
Patch stared for a moment as if trying to remember something. Robin was only several yards from the threshold.
"Yes. Yes of course."
"Well…"
"She melts controllers, man." Cyborg finished for him solemnly.
Patch looked to Starfire questioningly. She put her hand behind her head and blushed in embarrassment.
"The video games elicit much righteous fury." She admitted sheepishly.
It was at this point that Robin entered the room, his eyes on the floor ahead of him and his hand on his chin. Raven watched him walk right past her. It seemed she was in the clear when all of a sudden he stopped walking. Damn. He turned around slowly and looked at her, surprising her with a concerned expression.
"Hey Raven. Glad to see you're awake."
She grit her teeth and cringed as she heard Starfire squeal from the couch.
"Raven!"
She actually heard the remaining three swivel their bodies to face her. She opened one eye and looked to the couch to see all eyes on her. Starfire was floating towards her, apparently being pulled forward by her chest.
"We were so worried about you." She said, wrapping Raven in a discomforting embrace.
"You were in there all day." Said Cyborg from the couch.
"Is something wrong girlfriend?" asked Beast Boy.
Patch was sitting next to Beast Boy. He wore a look as if he knew he was wrong and was prepared to face the consequences, like a child caught standing next to a broken lamp with a football in his hand.
Raven was pleasantly surprised at the concern her friends showed her. Perhaps they wouldn't fight her decision after all- maybe they would understand, or support her even. They did seem eager to help her out in anyway they could. Either way, she knew that it was now or never. She chose her words carefully.
"Actually… there is"
Everyone looked to her expectantly. Beast Boy in particular was visibly startled she would actually share her feelings in response to his question. She raised her arm out of her cloak and pointed a finger at Patch.
"You have to go."
He looked at her with resignation. He nodded once and then stood up, his lips somewhat squeezed together. His sack was already in his hand. Everyone was looking at him in silence, wondering how he would ultimately react. Raven did not lower her arm until he had half-heartedly swung the sack over his shoulder. He looked at her defeated.
"So that's it huh?"
She almost answered but decided against it. She knew if he pulled her into an exchange of words he would find some way to turn everyone against her. She could not afford to be foiled now, not when she was so close to being rid of him. She stared at him in defiant silence and raised her arm again to point to the door.
He looked down. After a moment, his mouth curled into a slight grin.
"Of course." He said quietly without looking up.
He turned around to walk around the couch and then proceeded towards the door, avoiding everyone's eye contact the entire trip.
"Where do you think you're going!?" Beast Boy called after him. "We still have to-"
Patch interrupted him without turning around or stopping.
"Some other time."
"BUT-"
"I'll be sure to contact you once I'm permanently situated."
His voice was soft, level and assuring and even carried a hint of pep. He continued to walk towards the door. Beast Boy, refusing to give up, ran after him.
"Just wait a sec."
He grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to stop. They were ten paces to the door.
"Just hang on, maybe we can reason with her."
Patch turned his head but not enough to show anyone his face.
"She knows what she wants." He said solemnly. "You've gone your whole life without knowing me. Surely you can wait patiently for a few more months."
He finished with a weak arrogant laugh. He raised his hand and gently brushed Beast Boy off his shoulder, then exited the room.
Everyone was looking at Beast Boy's back. His spirits were crushed and his posture sagged. After a short silence he slowly tensed and rose back up to his full height. He turned and everyone could tell he was angry. His fists were extended to the ground and his shoulders were hunched forward comically. He looked up at Raven with rage in his eyes.
"Is this your way of getting back at me for all the times I annoyed you!?"
Raven felt Beast Boy's rage wash over her like a wave. In her over-tired condition, it was enough to aggravate her own temper.
"He disrupts my focus in ways you can't fathom. You are acting like a selfish child." She scolded sharply.
"I'm selfish?!" He retorted, his anger increasing. "Uh uh. Noo Way. You're the one who just took away my friend, and after he was so nice to you!"
She continued to be bombarded by Beast Boy's anger. She was making a huge effort to control herself.
"What do you know about how he treated me."
"WHAT DO YOU KNOW?! You're always on the roof or in your room or just otherwise being little miss anti-social!"
Raven could not believe the crap she was hearing. She took a moment to close her eyes and breathe deeply before she lost her temper. Beast Boy took the opportunity to continue.
"He made you food! He made us all be extra quiet so you could focus! He even boiled you're stupid tea kettle!"
Raven snapped out of her anger management exercise and found Beast Boy staring angrily at her, apparently having just used his right index finger to count to three on his left hand. She thought back to her tea kettle that morning. For a moment, all anger left her and she wasn't sure what to think. She looked to Cyborg for verification.
"And he did keep Starfire busy so she wouldn't bother you." Added Cyborg.
She turned to look at Starfire. Damn it. It was true- she had been spared all interruption ever since he had arrived. Starfire looked back at her and wagged her finger sternly.
"And he reprimanded Beast Boy each time he accused you of the PMS."
She continued to look at Starfire in shock. He had done all of this behind her back? She suddenly felt her fury return. Blasted fool! Even though she avoided a final dialogue with him he still managed to turn them all against her! Suddenly Robin popped up in her view. He had a brave look on his face, as if he were- of course… she must have been glaring at Starfire again. But Robin, he must surely understand what she's going through. After all, Patch had done the same thing to him yesterday afternoon. She looked to him with a gaze that demanded an answer.
"Have you something to add."
She purposely put him on the spot. She knew how he felt about Patch staying at the tower and she wasn't going to let him chicken out of this one.
"…Terrorist."
The intensity of her stare caused him to step back a little. He bumped lightly into Starfire and looked up at her. She wore an uncharacteristically stern look that didn't quite suit her. Raven saw his expression change several times and could easily read his thoughts. He looked at her nervously and spoke.
"Well, you could have been a little nicer about it."
Raven grit her teeth and punished him with the scariest glare she could safely muster. She was absolutely disgusted with his weakness for a pretty face. If she scoffed at romance before she despised it now. What happened to his uprightness? Where are his beloved ideals now? She had expected more from Robin but it seemed as if he was just as defective as the rest. Apparently, getting into Starfire's panties was more important to him than integrity.
"You make me sick." She pushed through gritted teeth.
All her friends were obviously against her. The betrayal she felt made her truly sick to her stomach. She shook with restrained rage and decided she had to get out of there before her head exploded or she did something regrettable. She began levitating slowly up towards the ceiling. All her 'friends' looked up at her as she floated. Looking down, she saw that Robin looked hurt. He knew he had been tested and he knew he had failed. For a moment, she actually considered vomiting on him but fought the urge, deciding it would be better to leave without further incident. With that thought her head passed through the ceiling, the rest of her following soon after. The silence didn't last long.
"There she goes again." Said Cyborg unenthusiastically. "Out of her room and up to the roof."
"I can't believe how much we let her get away with." Started Beast Boy self-righteously. "She thinks that just because she has a temper, she can walk all over us.
He regained his anger and began ranting.
"She thinks she doesn't have to explain herself just because she's different. And after all those times we've been there for her! And do you realize that she still, after all this time, has not laughed at a single one of my jokes!
"I still do not understand why she was so upset with Patch." Mused Starfire, almost to herself.
"Because she's totally PMSing!" Beast Boy shouted at Starfire.
"Woa hey, calm down Beast Boy." Robin intervened. "If Raven doesn't want Patch around I'm sure she has a reason."
"Yea! Sure! Just like she had a reason to blow up our table! And a reason to punt me around like her own personal football!"
"Yea." Concurred Cyborg, scratching his head. "She has been a bit violent lately."
"I'm telling you dude, it's because we let her get away with it!"
"Actually," Started Robin. "I guess we could have been a little more supportive."
His comment was out of place in the conversation and it drew everyone's attention to him. He was feeling guilty about selling out earlier and wished to redeem himself, even subliminally.
"I mean… Did anyone even bother to ask why?"
There was silence as everyone considered this. Even Beast Boy had to admit that he hadn't even made an attempt to understand.
"You are right Robin." Said Starfire, beginning to glide towards the door. "We must go and-"
Robin grabbed her wrist gently and brought her to a stop.
"No….I'll go….later…..after she's calmed down." He said nervously.
Everyone looked at him. He wasn't acting himself and he knew it. He eagerly changed the topic.
"In the mean time, I've done some research on the terrorists."
He walked towards the console and motioned for the others to follow him.
***
It was not until after several hours that his waiting was rewarded. The front door of the darkened console room zipped open with the sound of quickly escaping air and Raven's figure could be seen against the emergency hallway lights. She did not hesitate but rather walked right in and made her way for the hallway. From the way she was walking, Robin noticed she looked weak. He stood up from the remaining bench and table set, where he had been sitting for the past four hours gathering his courage and called out to her in his bravest, most suave voice.
"Evening Raven."
She continued to walk, not even turning to look in his direction, as if she was not at all surprised he was there.
"Robin." She acknowledged coldly.
Robin realized she wasn't going to stop on her own and so he rushed over to her.
"Hey, wait." He called out boyishly like the only kid without a bike.
She finally stopped walking but refused to turn her head. Seeing her gesture of cooperation, he slowed his dash to a brisk walk. As he approached her in the dim light, he noticed that her eyes were bloodshot and her face sticky; her hair was wet and she seemed as if she was making an effort to stand. This caused him to stop a distance from her, as if she would attack him for seeing her in her weakened state.
"Are you…feeling Okay?" He stammered. "You don't look so good."
"I'm Tired." She scolded, making abrupt eye contact. "Is that what you stayed up to tell me."
Robin realized that she was especially not in the mood for conversation. But he had waited there for four hours and he really wanted to apologize. Not only that but he wasn't sure if he would ever be this courageous again any time soon.
"Well…uhh….i mean, no." He said rubbing the back of his head.
Raven stared at him, waiting.
"Umm…" He continued.
Raven rolled her eyes and sighed. She took over for him.
"Would you like to sit down."
Robin didn't respond right away.
"Uhh… yea" He managed sheepishly.
He followed her to the table, the best lit area in the room at the time. Her walk was steady and even, very controlled. They arrived and she, of course, chose the darkest seat. He chose his seat carefully, feeling that he might be less nervous if he could avoid her eyes as he spoke. He cleared his throat.
"Well…"
Come on Robin, do what you gotta do.
"I…uhh…wanted to tell you…."
Now's the time. Can't back out now.
"I…" He hesitated.
Suddenly his voice became more confident.
"Wanted to tell you what I discovered about the terrorists."
Stupid! He looked to her to see how she accepted his words. She was sitting straight up, without using the table for support, her expression unreadable as usual. He continued, his voice carrying the confidence of a leader.
"They call themselves the Emissaries of Artemis. They don't have any official demands but for almost two decades, they've been using scare tactics to disrupt animal related business, mainly in food production. Their tactics include bombings and contamination in areas of high density production, and get this- their membership consists almost entirely of vegetarian teenage runaways, mostly girls."
He paused for dramatic effect. He had completely forgotten about his apology and had fully assumed the role of detective.
"They're a nation-wide organization, with cells all over the country. The cells have been known to work together sometimes but there doesn't seem to be any sort of central-"
"Robin." Interrupted Raven sternly.
Her tone of voice yanked Robin out of his detective mode and made him feel like a kid again. He was suddenly immersed in the feeling he had always gotten when Batman had scolded him for getting ahead of himself or jumping to conclusions.
"What did you really wish to tell me."
He looked at her in shock for a moment. Finally, he came back to the present moment and remembered where he was and what he was doing.
"Oh…I….uhh."
The momentum of talking had brought his confidence up. He shifted his weight, raised one hand to the side of his face and leaned on that elbow for support. He was ready. Looking at the table, he finished his sentence with uncharacteristic quietness.
"…Wanted to say I'm sorry."
The sound of his own voice left him cold with fear. He wished to gauge her reaction but couldn't bring himself to look up from the table. He decided it would be best to simply continue.
"I know what it's like to have to fight against my friends, and-"
"You know nothing."
Robin looked up at her stunned. Despite his earlier nervousness, he never truly expected to be shot down. She was looking down at the same spot on the table his eyes had just left. He waited for her to speak but she didn't- just continued to stare downward. She really had been changing. He decided he would try a different approach. He stared at his spot again and spoke.
"Well... We're your friends. A-and we're here for you…….Sooo……if you need anything, just-"
"I need…" She interrupted flatly. "To be left alone for a while."
Robin's initial stun at the interruption was soon replaced with discouragement at Raven's lack of cooperation. He dropped his forearm down to the table and sighed, defeated. He stood up and was about to walk to bed when she spoke.
"I don't expect you to understand."
He paused and looked down at her to find her still staring at the table. She had caught him by surprise with her elaboration.
"But if you truly want to help me, you'll leave me alone."
**********[end chapter 7]**********
Anyone who was confused by Patch's behavior, he made a reference to chapter 6 that gives you an idea of what he was thinking.
Next chapter: Beast Boy mania.
Reviewer Responses:
WintersIceAngel() and Associated Muse:
Hope you don't mind me using part of your review slightly out of context for my author's note. Thanks for the encouragement but you've obviously never read Poe, a master of symbolism. It's interesting however that you mention him because this story was very much inspired by The Pit and the Pendulum, the short story Raven was deciphering in chapter 3. That story is also about death, rebirth and peak experience, but it is much more condensed (such is the power of well developed symbolism). It will be referenced again and somewhat summarized 3 or 4 chapters from now. Raven will actually spend the rest of the story analyzing it, directly or indirectly.
Raven's death wish is in a Zen/Freudian sense. Zen buddhism sees death as loss, particularly (but not limited to) one's sense of self. Basically, the way one dies in zen buddhism is by losing their identity and becoming part of the whole. The "death-drive" as Freud calls it, seeks to destroy everything and attain a state of nothingness. It's the opposing force to the "pleasure seeking principle," which always seeks to acquire more and more (excitement, order, progress). It's a desire to "re-establish a state of things that was disturbed by the emergence of life;" (Freud 709) in other words, to seek a state of desolation, calm, and eternal sleep.
You can see this subconscious desire if you look at the things Raven likes (darkness, stagnation, calm, never having to worry about anything again, etc). Her lack of incentive in life (she is unable to fully enjoy things and must fight a constant inner battle) perverts her pleasure seeking principle to drive her to die. Death is her pleasure, her goal. We see this with her actions in general. Her favorite time of day is the peace and nothingness of meditation; she constantly strives to attain quiet; she generally avoids interaction with others (according to Freud, seeking relationships is the ultimate expression of the pleasure seeking principle), etc. I'm sure there's more you can come up with but i hope i've said enough to help you understand. If you're not satisfied i once wrote a five pager for english class on Freud's theory (it's part of a ten pager on how the Surrealist movement borrowed from Freud but the first five are strictly about Freud, never even mentioning surrealism). I can email it to you if the above is unsatisfying.
Lisboa Miraflores (signed as: victim, blue chips):
My response is long as has been emailed to you. If you haven't gotten it by now, lemme know.
Veral42():
Ok, fine, but only if you kill off Beast Boy in your fic and make it more of a Ben Afleck x Raven.
Kishi:
I don't call myself a christian because i don't go to church or anything like that. Like you said, it's all about understanding and i find i learn the most when i suffer through my own interpretations (and suffer the mistakes firsthand of my misinterpretations). And anyway, i've yet to find any orthodox christian who is willing to read the gospels which the Church used to execute people for reading. Given my bad experience with the competence of priests, i don't trust a committee of old men from the dark ages to choose which gospels are true enough for me to read and which are blasphemous. I actually learned more from the dead sea scrolls than all the canonical gospels combined. I must admit though, alot of the time i think i'm all smart and learned something profound and then i realize them priests have been trying to tell me the same thing all along. I guess some people learn from getting taught and some people need to suffer a bit more. Hell, i've learned ALOT about writing from actually doing this story. And about Cyborg, the only time he's all annoying about his meat is when he finally, after weeks and weeks of trying, manages to defeat Beast Boy in choosing a restaurant. Perhaps i made him a little too boastful though. And it seems you've stumbled upon my evil plan: to build the story up to a climactic cliffhanger and then abandon it. muahahaha!
A. Reader()
Well, i was kinda hoping everyone would dislike Patch at this point so they would feel for Raven (much of her turmoil is from the fact that her friends DO like Patch and don't understand her plight) but it doesn't really matter cuz in truth, Patch isn't such a bad guy....just...annoying. I've decided its better that some people identify with Raven and some with Patch because the two DO share one thing in common: they are both very smug about the way they've come to view the world and they both are going to have their worlds shattered. Perhaps people's choice is based on which character they find the most of themselves in and that's EXCELLENT if these characters are going to learn stuff cuz the readers will be able to see themselves in the same situation and perhaps (best case scenario) actually question themselves.