Chapter Fifteen: Difficult Decisions

Several months later, I was jolted out of my meditation by a loud crash. I had been sitting on the floor in Cali's home at the time and I immediately stood and rushed down the hall. You were away with Norín for the week and so the noise could only have come from Cali.

When I opened the door I was not prepared for what greeted me. Cali was laying on the floor hugging her knees, shaking violently. She had apparently fallen out of bed while reaching for the teapot on her night table. The crash I'd heard was the table falling over and the full pot of tea shattering on the floor.

I rushed over to her and knelt beside her. It then occurred to me that I had no idea what to do. Ganya had gone to the south on an errand and would not return until the next day and so I could not call for help. All I could think to do was to stroke her damp hair until the seizure passed. As the shaking lessened she looked up at me with eyes wide with a mixture of pain, fear and regret. When she began to calm down I helped her back into bed and brought the blankets up tightly around her.

"What were you doing, Cali," I said softly, "You haven't been taking the tea like you should, have you? Why was that pot full?" Her eyes avoided mine in shame. I sat with her in silence for a few minutes before heading to the kitchen, there preparing the fastest pot of tea I'd ever made. I headed back to her room and found her curled up on her side away from the door. I set the tea down on the floor and poured a cup for her.

"Drink this," I commanded.

"You drink it." I set the cup down and, grabbing her by the shoulders I forced her to sit up. I then handed the cup to her.

"You may not care about whether you live or die, but I do. Now drink!" Holding my eyes with a cold stare, she took the tea and drank. She then handed me the empty cup, slid back beneath the covers and turned away from me. I stayed with her, my hand on her back waiting for her to fall asleap. Instead I felt her body tremble at my touch. I looked over and saw that it was not another seizure- she was crying. I sighed and curled up with her, hugging her as she wept.

"I'm sorry, Lindir," she said softly. "I shouldn't be so hard on you. This isn't your fault." I didn't respond, but hugged her close and let her cry. "Lindir?" I had thought she was asleep, and I looked down at her face. "Why are you here?"

"What do you mean, Cali?"

"Why did you come here, to Middle-Earth?" I sighed heavily, as already the memories of so long ago began to stir.

"You don't want to know, Cali, and…I don't really want to say."

"Please tell me, Lindir," she prodded, "I want to know why one would forsake the deathless to live in such a place as this." I heard great bitterness in her voice and understood. Why would I leave a place where there were no Orcs or poisons or sickness to live here where those things were found in abundance? I sighed, and told my tale.

"Revenge." Cali struggled to turn and look up at me. "I never told anyone why I came here, not even Thingol or Thranduil," I continued. "They of course knew of the kinslaying and that my parents had been killed, but I never told them what had really happened.

"I was thirty when the Noldor tore through Alqualondë. At the time I was betrothed to marry when I came of age in my fiftieth year. Instead of under the wedding canopy, however, I spent my birthday under the sails of the ship that I had built in secret on the shores of my home. I left my sister, my family and the girl I would marry and sailed to Endor with the sole purpose of killing as many Noldor as I could. I knew it would most likely mean my own death as well, and so when I reached Middle-Earth I set my ship on fire as Fëanor had done, so that no others could use it to find the Blessed Realm.

"It took me several months to discover where many of the Noldor had settled. I was met by several Morquendi and Sindar, and they aided me if they could, for they too had little love for the Noldor. I finally had my chance several months after landing.

I had discovered a place where several of the sons of Fëanor lived and watched their realm for weeks, trying to find the best time to attack. It was then that I saw two returning alone from a hunt.

"Without thinking I sprang and attacked them, but they were just boys and I overpowered them easily. I remember having them on the ground with my sword to their throats, and seeing the fear and confusion in their eyes. I realized then that they were just children. If I killed them how would I be any different from Fëanor himself? How would the slaying of every Noldor in Middle-Earth bring back my parents, or undo even one tear that Lailath had shed? I couldn't go through with it, for how could I live with myself if I did?

"I let them go and ran, for I knew they would raise alarm among their kin. I travelled for days and finally found my way to Menegroth and was welcomed by Thingol. I told my tale to Melian, the only other in Middle Earth who ever knew of the incident. I vowed to her that I would never shed the blood of another elf, to cause the same hurt among my kin as I had felt on the day I'd lost my family. I suppose, in a way, I found it in me to forgive the Noldor, but I will never forget." After I finished my story silence reigned in Cali's room as the information was absorbed. It occurred to me that my words may have hurt or angered her but instead she turned to me, embracing me in a tender hug.

"Oh, Lindir," she said, "I wish I could undo your hurts, but I can't even undo mine! Alas that my grandparents ever listened to Fëanor's lies! Then I would have lived my life in a happier place." I hugged her back and whispered soothingly to her.

"You will see it one day, Cali, I promise."

Ganya returned the next day and I immediately told him of the episode the night before. He shook his head in sadness and turned away from me, setting down the pouch of dried flowers he'd collected.

"She's getting worse, Lindir," He said, a defeated look on his face. He walked over to the window and looked out. You were in the stables saddling Shani as you and your mother prepared to go riding. "I cannot reverse the poison, you know this." He turned back to me and met my eyes. "The end will come swiftly."

We met with Elrond and his sons soon after to discuss what should be done. Several courses of action were presented, but none with any hope of success. Finally, the one suggestion that everyone seemed to have avoided was spoken aloud.

"What of sending her to the Blessed Realm?" All fell silent and turned their eyes towards me, hoping that I might clarify my words.

"That is possible," said Ganya. "She could travel to Lorien in the West to seek healing from Estë the gentle. If anyone can help her, it is the wife of Irmo."

"We don't yet know if that can be," said Elrond. "Long ago we sent Celebraín to the west." I saw sadness cross his face at the mention of his wife. "We still have no word whether she has arrived safely. Who is to say if Manwë Sulimo would permit even one of the Noldor to return to Valinor?"

"I'd like to take that chance." Every pair of eyes turned to the door where Cali stood. She walked in among us and looked everyone in the eyes, finally resting on Ganya. "I don't want Mélanyë to have to watch her mother die."

"But Cali, you could-" she looked at me and my words died on my lips. There would be no argument- she had decided. The meeting was adjourned with the setting of a time to depart for the shores of Endor. I walked with Cali from the Council chambers.

"How will you tell Mélanyë?" I asked. She continued walking in silence for a moment and then stopped.

"I will tell her. Alone. She will need to hear it from me." I nodded. She turned to leave but I took her arm.

"Cali," I said, "please don't do this." She considered my words before giving me a grim smile. She touched her heart and then cupped my face with her hand. I did the same.

"I must, mellon nin. It is my fate to leave this place, I fear." With that she turned and left. I watched her go, unshed tears stinging my eyes.