Chapter Sixteen: Journey to the West

Cali told you that night. I was not there as I knew it would be a moment when you would need to be together, just the two of you. I went for a walk at sundown and did not return until the next morning. When I did I immediately went up to the bakery to see you, but you weren't there.

"She said she didn't want to bake today," Norín told me when I asked where you were. "She looked so sad, I hope she's all right. Do you know what's wrong, Lindir?" I shook my head. Cali must have asked that you not tell anyone and so Norín had no idea.

I walked back to your home and found Cali sitting on the floor. She rested her head on her knees and stared into the flame of a candle that was on the floor at her feet. I knew she was trying to meditate but her face was not peaceful, it was sorrowful. I went over and sat in front of her on the other side of the candle. She sighed.

"Am I doing the right thing, Lindir?" I stared into the flame for a long time and let my mind drift. I thought of all the possible answers I could give her and what she would say to each of them. I went through everything that could happen if she stayed or went, good and bad, possible and definite.

"I don't know," was all I could come up with. She looked up at me, deep into my eyes, and I saw that hers were tired and darkened, filled with despair and regret. "You didn't sleep," I said. She looked back down at the candle.

"Neither did Mélanyë," She said. "She only just fell asleep an hour ago."

"She didn't take it very well?"

"She cried for six hours." I heard her voice quiver as she said it. I looked towards your bedroom door, trying to decide if I should go to you or not. More than anything I wanted to rush into your room and hold you until you were free of your sadness. At the same time however, I felt guilty that I had been the one to suggest that your mother leave. I looked back to Cali and found her staring at me.

"I'm sure she would be happy to see you."

Two years of speculation and whispered rumors passed after that day. No one had been told of Cali's plans, for we all thought it would be best to wait and avoid a panic. Also, Cali wanted to stay in her home with her friends and family for as long as possible. Ganya kept a close watch on her for that time and it was he who decided when she would leave. It was the summer of your thirty-eighth year.

As expected, a wave of shock and dismay swept through Imladris at the news. Cali was loved by all who knew her and the thought of her leaving forever was not taken well. Some literally begged her to stay. It could not be, however for her condition had noticeably worsened over those two years. She'd had many more seizures and spent far more time sleeping than awake. It was time to go.

A company was organized to escort Cali to the west. Many elves were in this company; some for protection, some for want of looking upon the Sea and others wishing to also take the grey ship. Among them were Tyssa and Hallath.

They had left Lorien and headed for Imladris as soon as they'd heard the news. Before they'd arrived they had already made the decision to leave Middle-Earth with her. Cali tried to talk them out of it, saying that they should stay with their kin in Lorien, but they were adamant in their decision.

I had already decided I would be staying behind. Long ago when I'd left the Blessed Realm I'd made that decision. My heart longed desparately to follow and return home, but I knew I could not. For you the decision had already been made. No one was willing to risk you on that ship. None of us knew what would happen on the journey, or if any of us would be permitted to set foot in Valinor at all. The fear of being stranded, returned or lost at sea was what kept you in Middle Earth. No one told you, but I think somehow you already knew.

The journey to the west was a slow one. We took our time, wanting to delay the final parting as long as possible. During this time I wrote a letter to my sister Lailath in Alquilondë. I told her of all that had happened since I'd left her. Well, not everything. That would have taken years to write out. I told her of Thingol and Melian, Beren and Lúthien, Thranduil, Legolas, Tyssa, Hallath, and of course you and Cali. I also apologized for leaving and begged her forgiveness. It was the longest, most sorrowful letter ever written, I suspect.

Cali's condition worsened on the road and by the end of the journey was being carried on a mat that Ganya had had made. You had never seen one seizure but you of course knew the gravity of your mother's illness. When they began carrying her you finally understood why it was she had to leave. I think in your heart you knew what would ultimately happen, but somehow tricked yourself into believing otherwise, or blocked it from your memory.

We began to pass through the woods of the Shire as summer and autumn began to blend together. It was then that Elrohir and Elladan began to whisper to each other and look through the trees to the halflings below.

"Is something wrong?" I asked them. They looked at each other and then at me.

"No," said Elladan, "We are expecting a visitor later, after…" he nodded ahead to Cali.

"Our father told us that we would be taking a halfling home with us," said Elrohir. "The instructions were to wait here in the woods until the end of a large celebration." He pointed through the trees, "It looks like they're preparing now." I looked to where he was pointing and saw the hobbits scurrying about decorating trees and raising banners and tents.

"Why have you not told anyone else about this?" I asked. Elrohir responded in a lowered tone.

"Our father did not want to cause a stir and get…certain people's hopes up." I frowned at him.

" 'Certain people'? You mean Cali, don't you?"

"He feared that she would wish to stay in Middle Earth if she knew." I looked ahead at Cali and frowned. At this point Cali was so sorrowful with the idea of leaving you, her friends and all her kin, that all she needed was one more reason to stay. The only reason for her to leave was not to seek healing, but to spare you the pain of losing your mother. Elrond knew as I did that if she heard of a 'halfling' coming to stay in Imladris, she would assume that it was Drogo. The disappointment that it wasn't him would most likely be her end. I nodded and clapped Elrohir on the shoulder.

"He feared right, mellon," I said. I gave one last look through the trees before running ahead to walk with you.