Chapter Seventeen: Telda Namarië

That evening we arrived at the western shores. Many thoughts and emotions went through my mind at the sight of the sea and those grey ships. I felt an intense longing to go- to get on that ship and see my home and my sister again. I almost did too, but that would have meant leaving you alone. I couldn't bear to even think of that.

The first thing was saying goodbye. Círdan would not allow anyone not making the journey onto the ships for fear that they would leave with the wrong passengers. Because of this, the goodbyes had to be on the dock.

Cali's friends said their farewells and bid her good health, she said goodbye to Elladan and Elrohir, charging them with your safety on the way home. I went over to her and tried to say goodbye, but when I opened my mouth she silenced me with her hand.

"Not goodbye, Lindir," she said. "I'll see you again." I knelt and hugged her so tight I was afraid I'd never let go. When we parted she took my hand and placed it over her heart. "I want you to take care of Mélanyë. She's yours now." I nodded and vowed to care for you, but she held fast my hand. "Lindir," she said, in an almost urgent tone, "I want you to stay with her. Always." I looked into her eyes and understood. I leaned down, kissed her forehead and left her. It was then time for her to say farewell to you.

Only you in all Middle Earth know what she said as she parted with you. I watched from a distance and saw many tears shed and long comforting embraces. She kissed you several times and wiped away your tears. Then she reached behind her neck and gave you the silver pendant of Drogo's, telling you again, I assume, the story she'd told you a hundred times, but that you never tire of hearing. She kissed you goodbye and then was lifted onto the waiting ship. You stood and watched, waving goodbye to your mother, waiting until she disappeared from view before dissolving into tears on the dock. Tyssa ran to you and held you as you cried.

It was then, at that strange moment when I decided to get on the ship. Not to leave, but to say a final farewell to my best friend. It may seem a little selfish of me to want to see her again when you, her own daughter could not, nevertheless I boarded the ship.

It took me several minutes to find out where she had been taken. One of the mariners pointed me towards the right door and I stood with my hand on the smooth wood for several minutes, asking myself why I had come. What would I say to her? In the end I put aside all of these thoughts and opened the door.

I found her her lying on the bed curled up on her side and clutching the blanket around herself as if she were cold. I had been there for her throughout her illness and was well aware of the extent of her injuries, but it was still hard to accept that it had come to this. She looked so small and frail and only in that moment did it hit me how sick she had really been.

She looked up at me as I approached her and my heart grew heavier. Her eyes looked so dim, as if the light within them was fading. I saw her question in those depths before I heard it put into words.

"Lindir, can you stay with me?" In a second I was lying in the bed with her, hugging her close to me. She lay her head on my chest and cluched at my tunic and I tightened my hold on her, not wanting to ever let go. In my heart I knew this would be the last time I would see her, but my sadness deepened knowing that you had already said your final farewells to her. I imagined what you must be feeling at that moment and swiftly the memory of the loss of my own parents came to mind. How horrible it must have been for you.

As I was thinking I felt Cali begin to shake. She clutched at me tighter as the seizure took hold. Not knowing what to do I just held her.

"Can I help?"

"Just hold me," she said in a quivering voice. After several minutes the seizure released her and she relaxed in my arms. "Talk to me, Lindir," she said softly.

"Talk about what?"

"Anything, just talk." She was still shaking but it was now no more than a slight tremor.

"Talk…well, how about I talk about Mélanyë?"

"Yes, talk to me about her."

"She is… very beautiful," I began. I remember thinking that there was so much I could say about you that I couldn't possibly get it all out, but in reality I didn't know what to say. "She loves you very much," I went on. I watched as she began lazily playing with a button on my tunic and smiled. "She has a kind spirit, and brings joy to everyone who knows her." I paused for several minutes trying to think of something else to say. Then I noticed then that her hand had stilled.

"You've stopped talking," she whispered. Her voice was so small now that she was hard to hear. I felt my throat tighten as the realization of what was happening hit me. I took her hand in mine and held her tighter, kissing her hair.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I don't know what else to say."

"Say you love me," she whispered. I felt a tear slide down my cheek as I responded.

"I love you, Cali."

"I'm so tired, Lindir."

"That's okay, you go to sleep."

For the next hour I held her in my arms, listening as her breathing gradually slowed and then at last, stopped. I held onto her, rocking her back and forth as if I could bring her back by sheer force of will, or that my weak powers could overcome those of the Valar or the melodies of Iluvatar, composed before the world was made. But she was gone.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, my heart began to break, like a slow crack working its way through a pane of glass. The realization that she would no longer be there when I needed to talk to her, that I couldn't hug her if I wanted to, or trade stories with her about when the world was young and evil had not yet come.

Then I thought of you Mélanyë, how would I tell you? What would I be able to say that would ease the suffering that you would endure? Would I say that your mother travelled all this way to the western shores of Endor, purposing to sail to Valinor only to die on the edge of the journey? I knew how I would feel at the news and I wept, not for me or for Cali, but for you. I couldn't bear to tell you, to see the light in your eyes dimmed by the dreadful pain of loss.

I decided in that moment that you would never know. I had promised Cali I would care for you, watch over you, and this was my first decision towards that promise. You would see the ship leaving, carrying your mother to the Blessed Realm, and you would be left with the hope that she is there, living in peace and waiting for you to join her some day. Then you would be happy.

Ganya knocked softly and entered the room even as I continued to weep over her. He began to speak, to tell me that the ship would be leaving when he stopped and saw what was done. I carefully got up, laid her hands by her sides and went to stand beside him.

"She never would have survived the journey, Lindir," he said softly. "She was just too weak." We stood together in a silent moment of mourning. "What are you going to tell the girl?" he asked breaking the silence. I looked on Cali's peaceful face and answered.

"Nothing. She should never know."

I ascended to the main deck and walked over to the railing. I saw you there, standing in the shallow water and felt overcome by a wave of grief. I had to grab hold of the railing to keep from falling and struggled to stand before you saw me. It would not do for you to ask questions like 'Lindir, why are you so sad?" or, "Lindir, is ammë alright?" I'm not sure how I would have responded if you did.

Taking a last deep breath of the cool sea air I turned and headed down the ramp. As I walked over to you I passed by Círdan and he stopped me.

"Is she alright?" he asked, nodding towards the ship. What could I say? You were close enough to hear any response I might have and so I hesitated to answer. In the end I simply shook my head and he understood perfectly. I continued on my way and stood behind you just as the ship began to push off from shore. I watched as it sailed, taking your mother's body farther and farther away, and for some reason I can't explain I felt peace. It occurred to me then that her death may have been for good. She was no longer suffering, as I know she had been every day since she was struck down in the forest. I managed a small smile at the thought, but it was little comfort for the pain of losing not only one but three best friends.

I saw you raise your hand to the ship, bidding your mother farewell for the last time before she disappeared in the mist. Your small hopeful voice shattered my newfound peace and I felt my throat tighten with new tears. So innocent you were, how could I ever tell you? When would you ever be ready to hear what must one day be said about your mother?

Behind me, I heard the others making ready to depart. Suddenly the thought of Elrohir's words earlier came back to me. We would need to be there to greet the halfling. I gave one last long look into the distant west, bidding my own final farewell to Cali before bending low to whisper to you.

"We are leaving, Mélanyë."