Xander heard Buffy crying from the other side of the door. Nervously he knocked on the door. When he didn't get any reaction he knocked again and spoke her name. "Buffy?" Again nothing happened as she continued crying and even yelling in between.

"Autistic!! I don't care! What a bullshit. I saved the world for Christ sakes! I offered Angel to the hell! Didn't *they* see how much I loved him. *I* have burned down a gym and had to face the consequences . . . *I* have to make the harsh decisions all the time . . ."

Xander turned around, not sure if he had the courage to enter her room. But again his White Knight complex and love for Buffy was an obstacle as he knocked again on the door, louder this time. "Buffy!" he shouted. Again there was no reaction, but the yelling had stopped. He slowly rotated the door knob and noticed that he could open the door. He saw her sobbing with her face down on the bed. Her hands in between.

He stumbled forward and slowly sat down next to her, staring at her. "Buffy . . . " he almost whispered. He touched her back gently with his hand. She abruptly turned around and faced him, anger shone through her red and wet eyes. The force almost had wiped him from her bed.

Buffy's eyes widened. "Xander?" she asked as she instantly calmed down that it was Xander, instead of her mother.

Xander stared at her. Her whole face was wet and flushed red from the crying. "Buffy," he spoke softly. "You are not autistic. I know you have a great and caring heart."

Buffy looked stunned at him. "You have heard everything?"

Xander looked nervous and swallowed as he slowly nodded.

Buffy didn't know what to think of this. It were private matters, something between her and her mother, but yet it wasn't and Xander had the right to know it. She considered him family after all. Besides she never could be really mad at him. He always meant it well. Before she could reply, Xander spoke again. "Buffy, I know how hard it must be for you for having to stake Angelus." His tone softened as he continued. "I-I had to stake Jesse, remember?" The sadness in his voice was something she had never had heard before in the always friendly and funny young man.

#Jesse?# Buffy thought, remembering him, but not what had happened to the vamped version. Xander's and Willow's friend. #Xander staked him? That's what happened to the Jesse vamp!? #

"I-I just hoped that Willow and Giles would see my point, they didn't. Kendra got killed, Willow went into coma and everything went completely out of control." He sighed and shook his head, apologetic, as he felt that no way back now. "I lied to you, Buf. Willow asked me to tell you that she was busy with the spell and . . ."

Buffy could hardly wrap her mind around the concept. She knew something about how hard it must be, but staking your best friend since kindergarten! And she knew what friendship meant for Xander. #He staked Jesse,# Buffy thought, letting the words simmer into her mind. With sorrow in her heart she remembered how she had let Angelus roam around killing people. #Even before Jesse had done something wrong.#

". . . You told me to kick his ass," she continued, remarkable calm, a sparkle of admiration in her eyes that Xander couldn't recognize.

He nodded, ashamed, sad and scared to death. "I was so afraid that you wouldn't be able to kill him. That he would kill you."

Buffy smiled wryly as she touched him and looked into his scared eyes. "You don't have to be afraid, Xander. I know you mean it well. I'm sorry that I thought you were jealous of him . . . and you might have been right, Xander," she said as she remembered her own and Whistler's words, now that Joyce had reminded her of his involvement in all of this.

~~O~~

"I can deal. I got nothing left to lose," she said to Whistler.

At which he replied, "Wrong, kid. You got one more thing."

~~O~~

She had forgotten about this remark, until now.

Xander relaxed more. "Oh, Buffy, I wouldn't know what to do without you and Willow."

Buffy smiled a bit, "Xander, you know I will always love you." He nodded. "I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you then. I'm sorry that I have pitied you. I didn't mean to. I'm the Slayer, Xander. I couldn't stand it, if you got hurt, because of something that *I* should have done."

"I understand that, Buffy. But I want to help you. I want to be more than just the donut-guy, y'know. I want to be someone."

"Xander, you're someone; you're my best friend, y'know that." Xander nodded as she hugged him. Buffy pulled away and stared at him. "I know I haven't payed you the attention you deserved. And I know I have been a self-centered bitch. Faith has showed me that . . . my mother showed me that."

"Buffy . . ."

"No, Xander. Even my father told me that. It's why he left. I couldn't deal with it and have had nightmares about it." She sighed as she saw some disappointment in Xander caring eyes. "You are nice and sweet to me, Xander. And I know I can count on you when I need you to do the hard things. But this is something *I* have to face for myself."

Xander looked surprised beyond his disappointment. "I never knew why your father left . . ."

She looked sad at him, remembering the conversations between her parents over and over again. "I still have nightmares about it, Xan."

Xander looked at her, wanting to help her,.comfort her, but felt silent as he didn't knew what to do or say.

Buffy saw it, his nervousness, his need to help her.

She smiled warmly at him. "You remind me so much of my old boyfriend, Pike. He was just like you, a normal guy, a few years older." She chuckled. "A bit of a mechanic . . . I loved him, Xander. He wanted to help just like you . . ."

Memories from before Sunnydale came back about her beloved Pike.

~~O~~

"Buffy, there is no way you are going out there alone," Pike said.

She kissed him hard on the lips. "Don't piss me off," she warned him.

~~O~~

She loved the long, lean, raven short-haired young man with a taste for long coats and black bikes. She chuckled as she compared him with Xander. Their taste in clothes was hugely different. But on the other hand, Pike was more scared than Xander, he didn't have that *huge* bravery as the boy in front of her.

". . . He was constantly pushing himself at risks and I was so scared to lose him. I guess that's why I was so over protective? Maybe also why I didn't want to love you."

Her faced saddened as he shook her head. "He stayed behind in LA. I wanted to have a break from all the vampire shit and everything that reminded me of it. It was not very good for my rep as being one of the popular girls. I wanted to have a clean sheet, so I broke up when I went to Sunnydale."

She chuckled lightly. "You know how that turned out. I'm a Slayer for life."

"I didn't wanna be a Slayer, Xander. Just being a miss airhead with happy dancing, music and cheerleading. And because of this Slayer stuff I lost my father, he didn't want to have anything to do with me ever again."

Xander reached out with his hand to comfort her. Buffy interrupted and told him what had happened between her and her parents. She took in the sympathy from his eyes, but didn't let it reach her soul. "You see, Xander? I have to carry this weight with me . . . *alone*."

"Buffy, that's not true . . . I can help . . ." Xander said as he wanted to open his heart for her.

Buffy kissed him on his cheek. "That's why I love you, Xander. That's why I feel free to tell you these things. You listen and you care . . ." she said as her eyes met his surprised ones. ". . . But there *are* things you can't help me with."

Xander reluctantly nodded as part of him understood that only she could truly carry the load, but another part of him felt she again neglected his help and comfort after she shared the deeper things with him.

"I want to be the Slayer now, Xander. It's what I am. You can help me with the Slayer business. I have talked with Faith about it. You bring the team together, you have military experience and you are a capable leader. You have proven yourself on every part of it more than once, so I'm fully prepared to give you the command over the scoobies. Faith and I gonna be *your* Slayers." She grinned. "You're the boss, boss."

Despite that he got used to all the compliments lately, this still surprised him and filled him with enormous pride.

Buffy noticed for the first time in her life how this affected Xander. She knew that his self-esteem wasn't very high, but not that it was so important for him. "You deserved it, Xander," she said while she laid her hand on his knee.

"Thanks, Buffy, for your confidence. I won't disappoint you, I promise."

A silence fell in the room. Buffy sadness and worries had shifted to another corner of her mind as she stared at Xander. "Faith and I will patrol and you can organize things. I have made many mistakes now and every time you have been there to clean the mess up. That has to stop, Xander."

"Buffy, you didn't make that many mistakes."

"Wanna compare?"

Xander looked very serious. "Well, the first day I saw you, I stared at you and I crashed straight into the stair railing. *That* was a huge mistake!"

Buffy slapped him on his hand. "Xander! That was not a mistake. You have reasons to stare at me."

"No, I do not," he continued.

"You do."

"Nope. Why would I stare at you?"

"I am a hot girl."

"Not."

"Am too."

After some good old laughing they continued with bringing back some old memories. The past adventures of the scoobies. The video marathons at Buffy's room together with Willow.

At the other side of the door a relieved mother smiled. "Thank you, Xander," she whispered as she left for her own room.

*****

And then you said to me, "Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock," Buffy held up her hands, gesturing she was caring a large rock, "but it's here."

Xander laughed, while he had to gape really hard. "Funny, Buffy. Very funny," he managed to say between the gasps and the laughs.

"That was very brave, Xander. Funny as hell, but also very brave . . ." she said while she saw him sleep. She watched his peaceful face as it triggered a series of memories. How he asked her, how she refused him. It felt like a bad memory. There were more of them. How she used him to make Angel jealous. But there were also fond memories. How he so much liked his twinkies. The scooby dance he did in her room, while she and Willow were watching to cheer them up. How he always spoke from his heart; the thing she most liked about him. And most of all that she knew that she could always count on him when she needed his help.

She took of his shoes, his sweater and trousers and pulled over the covers of her bed over him. Then she changed herself into a set of pyjamas, laid down next to him and watched his peaceful face. She smiled, felt comfortable, and closed her eyes. #You're an amazing guy, Xan.#