In Need
By Yanagi-sen
Weiss Kreuz songfic
Usual disclaimers apply. The song used is In Need by Sheryl Crow. This is the sequel to Hands Clean, which was originally written for Ami-chan. She finally read it today, and requested a sequel… which I had intended to do but I hadn't found the right song… before now…
Warnings: implied yaoi, angst, sap, moments of memory that might be confusing
~Every night I dream you're next to me…~
Dinner had been wonderful… as it always was at Sakuma's. It had been so nice to have REAL Japanese food again; his favorite was the miso soup that was a specialty of the restaurant. And real sashimi… and sushi… not what they called sushi in California. Not that the stuff there was BAD… it just wasn't quite the same. Maybe it was the rice and vinegar used. Whatever it was, it was nice to have what he considered 'real' food again. They also had grilled fish and tempura and white rice. It was just wonderful. And he was old enough to actually have some of the sake without having Schu sneak it to him.
But that had been hours ago. They had returned right after dinner and after only a little while, Nagi had excused himself. Jet lag and the other stresses of traveling were catching up with him. He had changed and crawled into bed, quickly falling asleep.
But now he was awake… awake and thinking and his body just didn't want to settle back down for the sleep he really needed.
So he just lay there, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the man whose room was just down the hall.
~Tenderly / You say my name…~
He had never really liked his name, the only gift his pathetic excuse for parents had ever given him. Until Brad used his name. Maybe it was the tone of the man's voice. Maybe it was his accent, subtle as was after so many years. Or maybe it was just the way he said it… 'Nagi'.
At first it had made him feel secure, cared for. Then when he got a little older… it made him feel odd… like there was something he wanted… something he needed. He hadn't fully understood, until one night just after he had turned 17. When he had heard Brad whisper his name in the dark… like he was the most precious thing in the world. At that moment he gave everything to the man… his heart, his soul, his love… his body; freely, wanting nothing in return but that feeling that he was special.
Even now… years later… hearing Brad say his name brought everything back, all those feelings…
~You stay close enough to keep me here…~
He remembered that first time so fondly. Schu and Farf had been away on a mission. Nagi had lain in Brad's arms well into the next day, never wanting to leave. And the American and held him and made him feel cherished and loved. For the first time in his whole life, he felt as though someone loved him. He had lain with his head on the man's chest and listened to his breaths, and the steady beat of his heart. And Brad had run gentle fingers through his hair, then lifted his face and kissed him. Then the man had rolled him over on to his back and made love to him again.
~Then disappear / When we're face to face…~
Of course, such things can't last forever. Eventually they had to rise and dress. They agreed to pretend around others that what they shared didn't exist. But late at night… in the dark, Nagi would slip from his bed and ghost down the hall and join Brad. And they would share the night together before the man woke the small brunette so he could go back down to his room before the dawn.
It had been Nagi's choice, to go to college in America. Brad had been so happy, encouraging him, helping him work on his English and buy what he would need. But in private, things were changing between them. Nagi hadn't been sure what it was… but something had become different. Until that day… that one gray August day… when Brad had taken him to the airport to board his plane for California. The American hadn't come in to see him off, apologizing, but saying that he had a meeting he couldn't change. Nagi understood… there were times when those things happened, and he had never been fond of long goodbyes. But still, it hurt a little bit to stand on the curb and watch the man… his leader… his lover, drive away, and not look back.
~And if you carry me tonight / I would be strong enough to fight…~
He hadn't known it would be the last time he would see the man for three years. Three long, lonely years. Every break… every holiday… there had always been something going on, some reason why it wouldn't be good for Nagi to come back… some reason why Brad couldn't visit. The others had come… but hadn't been able to give any explanation. Schu had just shrugged, unable to come up with any explanation for him. So for three years, he had spent his vacations alone, or with his 'brothers'… but without the person he considered his lover… even after all this time. He hadn't taken another while at school, not that he hadn't had offers… from both genders. But it hadn't felt right. He hadn't wanted them. They weren't Brad.
He rolled over in his bed. Then sat up and fluffed the pillow before lying down again. He sighed. Why couldn't he sleep? He was so tired; he would have thought it would be easy. But his mind wouldn't settle down, dwelling on images and feelings from the past.
~And when you're weak and can't go on / I'd be the bed you lay upon…~
Not that they had sex every night they were together. There were many times when one or the other (usually Nagi) was ill or suffering from injuries or the aftereffects of prolonged use of their gifts. There were some nights when all they wanted was to cuddle, Nagi held securely in Brad's arms, the American wrapped around his body like he was some type of living pillow. Sharing warmth, and comfort and affection in simply laying with the other. Those nights were actually Nagi's favorite. Not that the sex hadn't been fun… he had been 17… of course the sex was fun. But just curling up together… that went beyond sex… that was love.
Especially nights when he would wear himself out on a mission, even going so far as to fall asleep in the car. Brad could have just left him in his own bed. Nagi wouldn't have thought anything of it. But there were several times when he would wake later in the night… to find himself cradled in his lover's arms, aspirin and water ready for the inevitable headache. And he had known that Schu had undoubtedly put him in his own bed… but then Brad had gone in and carried him down to his room after the others were asleep.
~And blue is blue / And so am I
Cause I want to be with you tonight / You're not the only one in need…~
But what hurt the worst, was that he didn't know why the man had decided to end their relationship. Sitting up in bed, Nagi stared out the window. He still wondered what he had done. What had he done wrong? He had hoped… in coming home… it would be different. That he would be welcomed back… back home and back into Brad's life… He hadn't wanted to sleep alone tonight.
He sighed. Apparently, nothing had changed. And he still didn't know why…
~You know everybody's watching me / And what they see
Is me watching you…~
He remembered being afraid… so afraid… that the others would find out. He had been worried of what Schu and Farf would think… they were his family… but Brad was his lover… it was different with them. They were like brothers, older… and annoying at times in the way older siblings often were. Their approval… their acceptance was very important to him. And the fear that they wouldn't approve and accept had kept him from telling them. He had decided to let Brad choose when to tell them. But he hadn't… and so Nagi too had kept his silence.
But there had always been a lingering fear for him… that they would find him in bed with Brad. That they would catch him watching the man when he shouldn't have been. That somehow his mental shields would slip and Schu would realize what was going on. That was one reason that he had looked for colleges abroad. But he hadn't thought Brad would abandon him the way he had.
~In the middle, time is creeping by / And I wonder why
You're so removed…~
It seemed to Nagi that there two Brads… well actually 'Brad' and 'Crawford'. 'Crawford' was his boss, the leader of Schwarz, the master of the house and family. 'Crawford' was always calm, controlled, the epitome of the confident leader. That was the person Nagi trusted with his life. He obeyed 'Crawford' without question, the few times that he hadn't… he had either gotten hurt because of it, or the man took it out of his hide later. 'Crawford' was NOT someone you crossed. But Nagi respected him.
'Brad'… was a slightly different person. 'Brad' was warmer, almost gentle. He was the one who bandaged Nagi's wounds, brought him painkillers when he was hurt, made him soup when he was sick, helped him with his homework and let him stay home from school after a late mission. 'Brad' was the one who held him at night. Nagi gave him his heart without question. He had never thought 'Brad' would hurt him the way he had.
He hadn't thought 'Brad' was so much like 'Crawford'. It amazed him how the man could be so detached, so distant… and yet… he loved him so much.
~And if you carry me tonight / I would be strong enough to fight…~
He finally sighed and pushed the sheets away. Sliding from the bed, he pulled a tee shirt over his bare chest. His cotton pajama bottoms were well worn and comfortable, just like the shirt. He padded silently over to the door and opened it. The hall was dark, the apartment quiet. He walked down to the living room and turned the TV on low. Maybe if he watched something for a while he would be able to fall asleep.
Maybe that was his problem… it was so quiet. The dorms were ANYTHING but quiet… till around 4 am, especially lately with most of the finals over with. He was so used to falling asleep to the noise, or the sound of his fan. He smiled, finding an all-night Gundam Wing Marathon on. There was just something about watching big robots bashing each other. Especially when so many things were so… phallic in nature. He had to stifle his laugh as he watched Duo 'deactivate' Wing's self-destruct… if THAT wasn't suggestive, what was?
He sighed. Even watching GW again wasn't enough to distract him from the person down the hall.
~And when you're weak and can't go on / I'd be the bed you lay upon…~
He really wished he could just sit down with the man and get some answers. If it was really over… irretrievably, he wanted to know. So he could hopefully get over it and go on. If it was salvageable… he wanted to know what he could do… what Brad expected out of him. Oh he knew a few things. He knew Brad expected him to do what HE wanted with his life, didn't want him tied to the life their former masters had chosen for them. The American had made a clean break from what they had done before. He would still take the occasional body guard job, just to stay fit, but no assassinations. He played on the stock market now, trying NOT to let his powers interfere too much. He said it ruined the game that way.
Schu was pursuing a career as a photographer. It let him set his own hours… stay in bed till noon and still go out at night. And he got to watch people more, and for a reason. He was fascinated by people… always had been. Part of his manipulation of their minds was just his interest in how people worked. Of course, that fascination also manifested itself in the more cruel things he had done but for now he was content not to commit any more atrocities. Farf was much the same as he had always been. Some days were better than others. When he was okay, he cleaned, he cooked, he watched TV, and he liked to play with the bunnies that lived in a nearby park. When he wasn't okay… he ranted and raved and if bad enough spent the day restrained and sedated. Even if he was better with this new medication… he most likely wouldn't be able to live on his own. Brad had ensured that he would be well cared for… should something happen to the rest of them. It was the least they could do for him.
But what was he going to do? He had grown more accustomed to making his own choices. But a part of him still wanted Brad to tell him what he wanted Nagi to do. He wanted the American to be proud of him. He wanted the man to love him… he just wanted him.
~And blue is blue / And so am I
Cause I want to be with you tonight / You're not the only one in need…~
Was it really so wrong, he wondered? At the time, he hadn't thought so. He could see where others would have seen it differently, that's why he had kept his silence. But now… now he was a college graduate, a little early true… but an adult. He could freely choose who to spend his time with. And if he chose someone a decade older than him… well… it was no one's business but theirs.
But then, would Brad want a lover so much younger than him. How did Nagi know he hadn't found another by now? Could that be why the American had never visited and didn't seem as eager to have him home? It could even be another member of Schwarz. Schu certainly wouldn't be opposed to the idea. He'd been flirting with Brad since the first day Nagi had met them. He would like to think the German would have been honest with him if that had been the case. Farf was a less likely prospect, but certainly not impossible. On his good days he could be the most wonderful person. And Brad seemed to really care for the Irishman's well being.
Then again, who's to say he might not have a lover outside of Schwarz. They certainly weren't as secretive as they used to be, he might have a relationship.
He sighed… this line of thinking was only depressing him more.
~Come on baby / Life is just a net into which you dive…~
He pulled his legs up onto the couch, sitting sideways on it and leaning against the corner. He watched the TV… but what was on the screen just didn't register. He really didn't know what to do. Should he take the chance and ask Brad for some answers? He might hear some things he didn't want to and that could put a big strain on the relationship they had now, and tenuous as it was. Or should he just keep quiet, wait, and watch, and let the American make the first move?
He propped his chin on his hand and stared gloomily.
~And I'm getting / Closer to you now…~
Then Brad was there. He knelt beside the couch, telling him how sorry he was… how he wanted Nagi in his life… how he regretting ending their relationship as he had. Then Brad kissed him and Nagi once again gave his heart away. The man pulled him close, wrapping his arms around the young man's back and kissing him thoroughly. Nagi wound his arms around Brad's neck.
This was what he had longed for, warm arms around him, warm lips on his own, warm breath against his skin. He was eased back against the cushions as the American nibbled down the column of his neck. His breathing quickened as his pulse started to race. Hands slid beneath his shirt, stroking his sides, caressing and warm.
He shifted restlessly, wanting to feel skin on skin… wanting their bared bodies to soak up the warmth of the other. "Brad…" he moaned…
~If I love you / Will you run away…~
He woke with a start.
A dream… it had only been a dream. He curled up, fighting off tears. Why did his mind have to torment him this way? It was as if some cosmic force was determined to make him as miserable as possible. Why? Why did he have to love the man so much?
~And if I stay / Will I disappear…~
In another room of the apartment, someone woke. Brad yawned; he fumbled for his glasses on the nightstand and when they were on, looked at the clock. It was quite late… or very early, depending on your point of view. It wasn't unusual for him to wake at odd times. He usually got up… checked to see that Schu and Farf were in bed, got a drink of water… and then fell back asleep. Getting up he went out into the hall and was surprised to hear the TV. It was very low, so whoever was up was aware that everyone was asleep. It most likely wasn't Farf then, not that he was impolite… but he tended to forget how noise carried at night.
Brad noticed that Nagi's door was open; it had been shut when he had gone to bed. Peering in, he saw the empty bed. Since the bathroom was also dark, he had to assume the person in the living room was the boy… young man.
It really was quite shocking to see Nagi after three years. Schu had told him how the Japanese teen had grown a few centimeters, not that he would come close to their height, a childhood of malnutrition had ensured that. But he had managed to make about 5 and a half feet and filled out a little bit, not a lot, but he had a lean, sleek appearing body, not quite the fragile frame he'd had before. College had obviously been good for him. He seemed much more open, happier… except that he had obviously been looking for something in Brad's face all through dinner. Something that he hadn't found, since Nagi seemed down once they returned.
~And if you carry me tonight / I would be strong enough to fight…~
Going into the living room, he started to ask Nagi what he was doing up… when he noticed that the young man had fallen asleep. The TV was still on, quietly playing one of those mecha anime. He knelt beside the couch and looked at the brunette. Nagi had fallen asleep leaning back against the corner of the couch. His arms were loosely wrapped around his body and his chin had fallen to his chest.
He looked too damn cute.
Shaking his head Brad turned off the TV and started to go to get a blanket, it wouldn't be the first time someone had fallen asleep there and he'd covered them up. Then he looked at the young man thoughtfully. He'd have the worst crick in his neck if he slept like that. Compounding the stiffness he undoubtedly already had from the flight.
Bending down, he easily lifted the smaller man into his arms. Nagi stirred slightly, then nestled against his chest with a little sigh. Brad gave into his urge to smile, twenty years old… and still unbearably cute at times. He headed down the hall.
~And when you're weak and can't go on / I'd be the bed you lay upon…~
Entering the brunette's room, he crossed to the bed. He is grateful again for the daily practice he set for himself, and for the slightness of the young man as he was able to gently lay Nagi on the bed, barely disturbing him. It was harder in fact to remove his arms from beneath the sleeping form. He drew the sheet up over the telekinetic.
Standing again, he peered down at the sleeper. He wanted nothing more than to curl up with the young man. Share a bed as they had before. He had spent three years convincing himself that it was for the best, that Nagi deserved more, deserved better, needed someone closer to his own age. Three years… shot to Hell.
~And blue is blue / And so am I
Cause I want to be with you tonight…~
Yes… the desire he thought he had put behind him was still there. He still wanted to take the young man back to his room, put him in his own bed, lay beside him all night… watch him as he woke in the morning… then kiss him and take him into his arms and make love to him.
He sighed and turned to leave.
A mumble from the bed caused him to turn, but Nagi was merely stirring in his sleep, curling up on his side, his favored sleeping position. Brad couldn't help but smile as one hand came up to curl up next to the young man's cheek, on his pillow. Back to that unbearably cute thing again.
Stepping back to the bed, he stooped quickly and dropped a gentle kiss on one silken cheek. Then he left.
~And blue is blue / And so are we
And you're not the only one in need~
AN: Again this is for Ami, who adores this pairing and desperately wanted a sequel ASAP! She said of Hands Clean that it was so great… because it was a Brad/Nagi that actually had a PLOT! Well… one that didn't involve abuse, beating, rapes, or badly written sex. Apparently well-written, non-PWP, Brad/Nagi fics are rare… I have to admit I haven't seen too many… So there you go Ami… a sequel, doesn't seem like my muse is finished with them yet, is she?