Chapter 12 - Guilt
*Sakuno*
Although we were walking hand-in-hand, I don't know why, but I seemed to remain about two paces behind him. All I saw was his back, and the back of his head. It was like one of those dreams I sometimes had, after I'd confess, that's all I would see of him. Him walking away, and me reaching out to him. It was always blurry and incomplete. Actually there was no beginning nor end, all I ever saw was his back. Dark thoughts were brewing inside of me.
*Ryoma*
I was so anxious to hear what she had to tell me, I was anxious to have her in my arms again. I took her to this park. It was more of a field than a park, because there was a little hill that had over grown grass here and there. I thought it would do better, if she had a relaxing environment.
When we got there, I gave her a reassuring smile and let her hand go. "Tell me when you're ready."
*Sakuno*
He was giving me time again. I watched him walk up to the top of the hill. He stood there with his hands in his pockets while the wind blew around him, which ruffled his hair and shirt. He looked so composed and handsome. 'That would make a really nice manga or magazine cover' I thought irrelevantly. I was so close yet so far from him. He was right there, and what I was about to tell him could change that.
He turned and looked at me. 'Shimatta!' (damn/ oh no) he caught me staring at him. He gave me one of those smiles, he used to give his tennis opponents. The one sided smile, that looked really cheeky.
I have to trust him. I'll never know if I don't try. I placed my palms over my heart and breathed slowly. When I opened my eyes, he was lying on the ground not so far from me, watching. It wasn't an urgent look, it was an observing look. He could be having a million thoughts behind those eyes. I went to lie down beside him, only my body was facing the other way. Our heads were close to each other, and I felt safe to know that if I looked to my left, I would meet his eyes.
"Ano ne, Ryoma-kun. When I left Seigaku, it wasn't because of my parents' deaths.." I began slowly. He remained silent to listen. "I left because.my mother was in hospital, because of cancer. She was..in critical condition, so I had to return to see her. Obaachan too." I paused for a long time, as the painful memories came back. "I..I didn't make it in time. She had left, before I reached the hospital. I didn't get to see her one last time. It had been such a long time since I had, and I never got to hear her voice or feel her embrace again." My voice broke, and I felt tears running again.
Ryoma-kun still didn't say anything, but he raised his left arm in the air, and motioned me to take it. I reached up and held it, and then he pulled it down and he nuzzled my cheeks with his hand. Our hands stayed clasped after that.
"I..suppose I was upset..and angry. I didn't know what I thought. It hurt a lot..and at the same time, I didn't feel anything. Something.I don't want to feel again. I spent my days and nights crying. With Obaa-chan, Otoo-san and Kira kun. Kira is my cousin. After we buried her, I stayed by her side all the time. Sometimes I slept beside her grave, believing it was only a bad dream, and when I felt the cold I always remembered the past. When I was younger, I'd always fall asleep in my mothers' arms in the living room. I could still hear her say "Otoo-san, let's take Sakuno to her room. The sweet dear is sleeping already." And my father would carry me and she would tuck me in."
While I spoke, Ryoma-kun, pulled my hand over to him and he kissed it softly and held it against his lips.
"I became..stubborn. If I wasn't at the grave, I would be playing tennis. Smashing it. It took a lot off my mind while I practised tennis. It was my way of escaping. From my sorrow, from the thought of never returning to Tokyo, and from you. I played day and night. My father pleaded me to stay at home with my grandmother and Kira-kun where I would be safe. He's a detective, and there a lot of bad people who dislike him. But I paid no attention to that. I was selfish. I hated everyone for not taking care of mother. It was stupid and selfish, I know." I took a deep breath.
"One day, it was cloudy and thundering, but there was no rain. I was walking along the streets with my tennis bag. I felt someone following me, but I .. Ignored and went to the street tennis court. When it became darker..and emptier, four guys approached me." I squeezed my eyes shut.
Ryoma-kun sat up in alarm. "They-they didn't do anything to.harm you did they?!!" "Chigau..(no).not in THAT way." He let out a sigh of relief. He went back to lying down, but this time he lay horizontally to me and placed his head on my stomach and looked up at me while I talked. He kept my hand close to his chest. It was the sweetest moment of my life, if only I wasn't talking about this.
"I was um.kidnapped. I can't remember much after someone hit me. When I woke up, I was in an abandoned warehouse. I saw those guys lying on the ground..dead.and.and my father lay not far from them. He had been stabbed..alot. His last words were "Thank god you're safe Sakuno. I'm sorry about your mother, and I know I was never home enough for you. Take care and I love you." Then he too.left me. He had tried to rescue me and had died. One of the top members of the defense and detective force, and he died because of a stupid and selfish daughter like me!!!"
*Sakuno*
Although we were walking hand-in-hand, I don't know why, but I seemed to remain about two paces behind him. All I saw was his back, and the back of his head. It was like one of those dreams I sometimes had, after I'd confess, that's all I would see of him. Him walking away, and me reaching out to him. It was always blurry and incomplete. Actually there was no beginning nor end, all I ever saw was his back. Dark thoughts were brewing inside of me.
*Ryoma*
I was so anxious to hear what she had to tell me, I was anxious to have her in my arms again. I took her to this park. It was more of a field than a park, because there was a little hill that had over grown grass here and there. I thought it would do better, if she had a relaxing environment.
When we got there, I gave her a reassuring smile and let her hand go. "Tell me when you're ready."
*Sakuno*
He was giving me time again. I watched him walk up to the top of the hill. He stood there with his hands in his pockets while the wind blew around him, which ruffled his hair and shirt. He looked so composed and handsome. 'That would make a really nice manga or magazine cover' I thought irrelevantly. I was so close yet so far from him. He was right there, and what I was about to tell him could change that.
He turned and looked at me. 'Shimatta!' (damn/ oh no) he caught me staring at him. He gave me one of those smiles, he used to give his tennis opponents. The one sided smile, that looked really cheeky.
I have to trust him. I'll never know if I don't try. I placed my palms over my heart and breathed slowly. When I opened my eyes, he was lying on the ground not so far from me, watching. It wasn't an urgent look, it was an observing look. He could be having a million thoughts behind those eyes. I went to lie down beside him, only my body was facing the other way. Our heads were close to each other, and I felt safe to know that if I looked to my left, I would meet his eyes.
"Ano ne, Ryoma-kun. When I left Seigaku, it wasn't because of my parents' deaths.." I began slowly. He remained silent to listen. "I left because.my mother was in hospital, because of cancer. She was..in critical condition, so I had to return to see her. Obaachan too." I paused for a long time, as the painful memories came back. "I..I didn't make it in time. She had left, before I reached the hospital. I didn't get to see her one last time. It had been such a long time since I had, and I never got to hear her voice or feel her embrace again." My voice broke, and I felt tears running again.
Ryoma-kun still didn't say anything, but he raised his left arm in the air, and motioned me to take it. I reached up and held it, and then he pulled it down and he nuzzled my cheeks with his hand. Our hands stayed clasped after that.
"I..suppose I was upset..and angry. I didn't know what I thought. It hurt a lot..and at the same time, I didn't feel anything. Something.I don't want to feel again. I spent my days and nights crying. With Obaa-chan, Otoo-san and Kira kun. Kira is my cousin. After we buried her, I stayed by her side all the time. Sometimes I slept beside her grave, believing it was only a bad dream, and when I felt the cold I always remembered the past. When I was younger, I'd always fall asleep in my mothers' arms in the living room. I could still hear her say "Otoo-san, let's take Sakuno to her room. The sweet dear is sleeping already." And my father would carry me and she would tuck me in."
While I spoke, Ryoma-kun, pulled my hand over to him and he kissed it softly and held it against his lips.
"I became..stubborn. If I wasn't at the grave, I would be playing tennis. Smashing it. It took a lot off my mind while I practised tennis. It was my way of escaping. From my sorrow, from the thought of never returning to Tokyo, and from you. I played day and night. My father pleaded me to stay at home with my grandmother and Kira-kun where I would be safe. He's a detective, and there a lot of bad people who dislike him. But I paid no attention to that. I was selfish. I hated everyone for not taking care of mother. It was stupid and selfish, I know." I took a deep breath.
"One day, it was cloudy and thundering, but there was no rain. I was walking along the streets with my tennis bag. I felt someone following me, but I .. Ignored and went to the street tennis court. When it became darker..and emptier, four guys approached me." I squeezed my eyes shut.
Ryoma-kun sat up in alarm. "They-they didn't do anything to.harm you did they?!!" "Chigau..(no).not in THAT way." He let out a sigh of relief. He went back to lying down, but this time he lay horizontally to me and placed his head on my stomach and looked up at me while I talked. He kept my hand close to his chest. It was the sweetest moment of my life, if only I wasn't talking about this.
"I was um.kidnapped. I can't remember much after someone hit me. When I woke up, I was in an abandoned warehouse. I saw those guys lying on the ground..dead.and.and my father lay not far from them. He had been stabbed..alot. His last words were "Thank god you're safe Sakuno. I'm sorry about your mother, and I know I was never home enough for you. Take care and I love you." Then he too.left me. He had tried to rescue me and had died. One of the top members of the defense and detective force, and he died because of a stupid and selfish daughter like me!!!"