Ryan thinks I'm crazy. For all I know, he could be right. If I wanted to be cliché, I could say that I was crazy for Marisa, but that's really not my style.
Or is it?
All I know is that she makes me feel less alone, like I'm not the outcast people always take me for. She makes me feel normal.
And then Ryan appears and the illusion is showed for its falsehood, dashed like a reflection in the disturbed water's surface.
But now, Ryan is gone. He has shown Marisa who he truly is- a jealous, paranoid freak. Now, there is only me.
Yet still I sense him, lurking in the corners of Marisa's thought, ready to spring out at me if I try to show her how I feel. I can't take it! How can she love him? They don't belong together! They don't…
Natalie had been the same. Sometimes, I still think of her the way I used to. I even tell Marisa that we're still together. But we were never a couple, and we never will be. Because Natalie refused to see that I loved her. I cared for her, more than anyone else ever will. 'No,' she used to say. I was too young for her.
Well fuck her!
Marisa is so much more understanding. Marisa is everything Natalie was not, though sometimes… sometimes I look into Marisa's eyes and see her staring back at me. Sometimes, I even think Ryan may be right about me.
So, I'm not perfect. I'm closer to perfection than Ryan ever will be- I hope. NO! I can't let him phase me. I can't let his words affect me. Not now, not ever.
It's the times like these when I really miss the drugs, the alcohol. But there's nothing for it now. They didn't give me what I wanted then, and they certainly won't help me now.
What had I wanted then?
The question is easy enough to answer- my parents. No kid wants to be left alone while their parents fly off to exotic places, playing the rolls of proper little adventurers. They'd never wanted me. I was the one thing that their life could have done without.
I haven't heard from them in three months. They really don't care what I get up to now. Maybe they might of, had I not made so many mistakes. All I wanted was to get their attention- and I was desperate enough that I didn't care if it was positive or negative looks that they gave. I just wanted them to know I was here… alone.
Marisa might not understand most of this, she's always had a family to turn to. Sure, her mom may be a bit overbearing sometimes, and her father did break the law, but at least she knows they love her, the way good parents should. All I had were half-hearted birthday presents and lonely, empty Christmases.
But I learned from my mistakes. Sometimes it's easier to fake the problems than to face the rehabilitation of fixing the real ones. I've gotten fairly good at playing the part of the messed up kid. After all, not all of it is a lie.
Part of me wants to come clean, tell Marisa everything. Unfortunately, that part of me had its chance- landed me in counseling. No, she can never see this part of me. The part that knows of all the lies, all the deceit. The part of me that knows what I'm doing is wrong…
'
Author's Note: I don't really like the O.C. all that much, but it is my goal in life to make people pity as many 'bad guys' as possible, so this is my take on Oliver Trask.