Part 1 - Just Wild Beat Downs (Gundam W)
By The Katt, The Flyy, and The Miko
WARNING: What you are about to read is some seriously fucked up shit. If that does not bother you, please continue. Fans of this series, please do not take offense to what is said about your favorite characters in the pages below. This is just a parody. This fanfic is intended for readers above the age of 16 and above the IQ of 7. If you do not follow under both of these criteria, please get out now. We mean it. Go away. We're not playing. Get the fuck. Ok, let's get started. And remember, you asked for it...
WARNING, PART 2: What's written here is OUR interpretation of these characters. You may or may not agree with us. If you do, fine. If you don't, fuck you. As stated above, this is just for fun. And we really are fans of these shows, otherwise we wouldn't have watched them as much as we did to be able to do this. That's why we'll never blast "Full House."
DISCLAIMER: We do not own any of these characters, except ourselves.
A group of young men and women are led blindfolded and ball-gagged by a petite, outrageously cute half-Japanese girl. "'Tis quite the motley crew" one might think upon looking at the group. They looked like they had nothing to do with each other, though their whole lives really ended up focusing on each other. But that's a story for another time.
As the girl continued to lead on, the tension continued to rise. By the time the group reached the door at the end of the hall, you could cut the tension with a chainsaw. The girl must not have felt it, for she kept leading them on, calm-as-you-please. She opened the door into a room devoid of color, or even a hint of decor. It almost resembled a padded cell from an asylum, what with the lights flush with the ceiling, and the two loudspeakers and cameras cleverly hidden in each wall. There were eight chairs in the room, one for each of the people she led. She helped each into a chair and then proceeded to tie them to said chair and remove their blindfolds.
She smiled sweetly at each of them and left the room. The door shut, almost totally blending in with the wall, so much so that one could not tell whether or not there actually was a door...
Alarmed, the women and one of the males tried to shout out, but it only came out as garbled noises due to the ball-gags. The others just looked around, remaining visibly calm, wondering what was going to happen next.
Up in the observation booth, two men sat, awaiting the return of the girl. Both were in their early twenties. The older of the two was wearing a pair of baggy, khaki skate shorts and a black muscle shirt, with tennis shoes and fingerless gloves. He had a shaved head above a pair of glasses and a goatee surrounding an insane grin.
The other was sporting long, baggy denim jeans, a bit too long for his legs and bunched at the ankles. He also wore a long, white T-shirt, two sizes too large, a pair of blue shades and a navy blue baseball cap, with an unidentified team on it.
The girl walked in the room, an ever-present smile on her face. She wore a black bodysuit and a pair of black velvet pants. She also had calico cat ears and a tail and wore no shoes.
"You boys ready?" she asked, sitting down before a microphone.
"Aren't we always?" replied her husband. She smiled and pushed the button to start her announcement.
"Welcome to 'The Animal Farm,' ladies and gentlemen. We hope you enjoy your stay here tonight." The voice sounded so unusually cheerful for a situation like this.
"We've brought you here for our own entertainment. You might think us depraved and twisted individuals. Well, frankly, we are. We've been watching you for a while and know your exploits quite well. We've decided to tell you just what we think of each of you in excruciating detail. This is a process we call blasting." she giggled, then continued on.
"Since we know who you are so well, we should probably introduce ourselves as well. I'm Miko, and I will be transcribing the events of this evening's entertainment so as to share with other individuals such as us. Let me now introduce our commentators.
"The first is Katt, my husband, and the other is Flyy. They will be your hosts for this evening's... festivities. Well, at least we'll be enjoying ourselves. When they're done, I'll come back down to provide you all with some tissues, then I'll lead you back out, blind folded of course, so that you can continue your lives."
"Yeah...what's left of it," Katt added
"So now, without further ado, Katt and Flyy! And their first victim is... Heero Yuy!"
The boy sitting in the first chair looked mildly amused. "Bring it on," his look said.
"Mad props to Heero Yuy, the world's first indestructible boy," Katt said, starting the evening's blasting. "And I'm gonna tell you why, Heero. You need some pussy. You been too busy taking Trieze's dick to even consider being human."
"And there's a lot to be said about a man who walks around all day in biker shorts." Flyy added. "I do believe my man Heero's a pirate."
"Pirate!?" Miko's ears perked up. She and Flyy were both part pirate.
"An ass pirate."
"Oh..."
"Say Heero, you gotta wonder," Katt continued on the vocal thrashing. "With as much time as you spend in Wing Zero's 'cock'pit, how does your ass not fall apart from that alone?"
Flyy smiled. "Because his ass is made by Timex, it takes a dickin' and keeps on tickin'."
Katt broke into a laugh. "And Duo keeps lickin'."
And with that, Heero began sobbing uncontrollably. The others in the room were shocked. Heero? Crying? What in the hell was in store for THEM!?
"Speaking of Duo..." the catgirl interjected, "he's next up!"
"Hey Duo," Flyy broke in, "I seen your manhood. It looks mighty lost."
Duo looked visibly hurt at this.
"Oh, Duo... I got someone who wants to say something to you." Katt notified him.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a long-haired, kilt wearing, scythe bearing man, looking like Death's great-great-grandson, rose from the floor. He looked straight at Duo, then bent over until he was almost nose to nose with the "God of Death."
"Bitch, you ain't cute."
Then, as suddenly as he had appeared, he was gone, leaving only the faint stench of brimstone. Everyone looked around (except Heero, who was still crying) and made puzzled faces at each other.
"I have a few questions for you, Duo. You hang around nothing but guys all day. Who the hell is braiding your hair?" asked Flyy. "What guy's thighs are you sitting between?"
"And I notice you dress like a priest. Is that a testament to your first love?"
"Propositioning your pulpit?" Katt asked.
"No, pedophiles. And you know he's a part of the church because he spends so much time in the missionary position."
Duo's eyes had now filled past the point of spilling. The tears rolled down his cheeks and wouldn't stop.
"As I said before, I'll bring you tissues when all is done," Miko told him. "But now, it's Trowa Barton's turn!"
"He's like the Corey Feldman of the Gundam W series." Flyy said.
"Why is he like Corey Feldman, Flyy?"
"Because he's the forgettable one. People will remember Hilde longer then they remember him."
"Oh, but I liked Corey Feldman movies..."
"You, and only you, my sweet sister."
"Anyway, let's get back to business at hand," Katt chided. "Trowa, I got two words for you: Aqua Net. You 'bout the only mother fucker I know who could head butt someone and kill them."
"It looks like you walked backwards through a hairspray hurricane." Flyy chimed in.
"Oh, hey Trowa. I got one more word for you: Prozac. Get it in your life."
"Nuh uh, I got one more: pussy. Get THAT in your life."
"And when and if you get some, make sure it's not from your sister."
"Well, he's already getting enough pussy from Quatre."
Both of the men upstairs laughed. Trowa normally stoic face finally crumbled like the mask he so often wore, and the tears just kept coming. However, Quatre also looked like he was close to tears.
"Speaking of Quatre!" Miko cheered. "It's your turn, hon!"
At this, Quatre had a look of utter horror on his face. He looked near to soiling himself.
Flyy spoke into the microphone. "Mr. Winner, just how long have you been a cum guzzling slut? And what the fuck is up with your clothes?"
"Seriously, who wears a pink shirt and a purple vest with green goggles?" Katt added.
"A Digimon trainer?" Flyy suggested.
"And tell me... did it make you all hot and bothered when Wing Zero took control of your mind and just had its way with you?"
Flyy chuckled to himself. Katt and Miko looked at him questioningly.
"He lives in the desert, with about a hundred hulking, sweaty, funky, grizzly, horny talibans, and none of them are women. Doesn't that kinda make you wonder..."
By now, Quatre was past the point of soiling himself and was now bawling uncontrollably.
"Well, four down, four to go. We're half-way there, folks!" Miko announced. "Next up, everyone's favorite--"
"Hold on right there," Flyy interrupted. "Let's get this established. He's nooooobody's favorite pilot."
"Nya~... anyway, Wufei, it's for you~!"
"I only have one thing to say about Wufei." Flyy gets up out of his chair and begins to do fake chops like the old kung fu movies. "Everybody was kung fu fighting~" he sang, off-key.
Katt and Miko looked at him and joined in on the "Huh!" part and they all start laughing.
"You know you wrong for that..." Katt informed Flyy.
"But it feels so right." And quietly, he added, "Same thing Trowa said about Quatre."
Quatre broke out into even more tears.
"What can I say about Wufei?" Katt mused.
"That he's Steven Segal's illegitimate son?" Flyy quipped. "Or that he's one pink gi away from being called Dan?"
"That's Dan from Street Fighter, right?" Miko asked.
"No, Dan Dickemdown, the gay porn star. He made that movie 'Nuts of Fury.'"
"Oh..."
"Anyway," Katt gave both Miko and Flyy a look. "Have you ever noticed that Wufei's Gundam has more phallic symbols than any other Gundam? The double sided tridents; where do those prongs go?"
"Duo's ass," Flyy said, trying to talk and laugh at the same time.
The husband and wife join in the laughter. Then, out of the corner of Miko's eye, she saw Wufei attempting to give them a look of defiance. She smiled cutely, but strangely evilly at the same time.
"By the way, hon, if you want, I could probably find you some Rogaine for your receding hair line."
It was too much. Wufei looked up, as if to try and see his own hair line, and broke down.
"Miko... you are such a catgirl..." her husband told her.
"Nya~o. But I'm cute!" she smiled at him.
"Not in my eyes," Flyy remarked.
"You shouldn't! You're my brother! And if you did, that would just be plain weird."
"True. But back to business. What's up with Liberace down there?"
"Oh! You mean Zechs?" Miko asked.
"Hey pretty boy, is it true that your nickname is Sexy More-kiss?" Katt asked.
"Nope, it's Sweet Meat. Sweet Meat Merquis." Flyy added with a lisp. "Or at least that's the word around Oz. The jail, not the organization."
With that, they all burst out into uncontrollable laughter, tears streaking down their cheeks. Down in the room, Zechs was fighting a valiant battle to keep his emotions in check.
"Oh, and didn't I see your sister lose on Star Search?" Katt asked, still trying to fight back the laughter.
"Yeah, she got three stars for a synchronized dick swallowing." Flyy joked.
"She lost to Britney, right?"
"Who just so happens to hold a colony record. She swallowed a zebra and three donkeys. Oops, my bad, that was you, Zechs."
The laughter continued while Zechs lost that battle with his emotions and the tears ran unchecked down his face.
"Now, how about that sister of yours, Zechs..." Katt asked.
"I heard you have a pair of knickers with a chin strap attached," Flyy said, directed at Relena.
"I have never seen a more suicidal woman in my life..." Katt thought out loud. "Well, next to Quatre." And Quatre's tears started up again.
"Lemme ask you... are you still a virgin?"
"NEGRO PLEASE! She might be a virgin in her ear... maybe." Flyy mused.
"But who the fuck she been fucking?" Katt exclaimed. Flyy raised his hand shyly. "Dude, you didn't."
"Many, many times." Flyy reported proudly. "Ask Dorothy, she was there."
Dorothy smiled, despite the gag-ball, and nodded.
"But... that would make her a bigger slut than Dorothy." Katt looked up, deep in thought. "Wait, that's impossible."
"Well, now, uh, I wouldn't say that. She could do magic with two bowling pins and an ice cube."
Everybody looked at Relena at that one, who immediately exploded into uncontrollable sobbing.
"Well, that would bring us to..." Miko started to say.
"Aah, yes, the corporate slut." Katt said, referring to Dorothy. "This girl gives more head than three mannequin factories."
"I heard she could suck a bowling ball through a coffee stirrer." Flyy remarked.
"She could suck the finish off of Heavy Arms."
"I heard she could swallow a buster rifle."
At that, everyone looked at Dorothy, shocked, horrified and maybe even, aroused?
"Didn't she do that to Heero?" Katt asked.
"It was a hero, but not that Heero." Flyy answered.
"Oh, and one more thing, someone really needs to take a razor blade to those damn eyebrows."
"If she kept raising and lowering her eyebrows real fast, she could take flight."
Miko giggled and pulled out a pair of scissors for later use...
"And let's end this session with Dorothy's favorite slogan: 'Dick; it's what's for dinner.' Thank you, you've been a lovely audience!"
Everyone in the room below gagged as Dorothy burst into tears, a muffled wail escaping.
"Wouldn't be the first time you gagged on somebody else's balls in your mouth, huh, Quatre?" Flyy added one last quip and Quatre, once again, soiled himself.
Miko went down to the chamber and reapplied the blind folds to their faces, but not after giving them tissues and trimming up Dorothy's eyebrows with those scissors she had pulled out earlier. As she was leading them back down the hall, still gagged, Katt's voice came alive over the PA system with one last dig.
"You know... now that I think about it. The only way you folks would have cried the way you done is if nearly, if not all, of what we said was true..."
And with that, the tears started fresh, soaking into the blind folds.
After the guests had gone, Miko sat typing up the transcript as the men discussed behind her.
"They were a fun bunch." Flyy said.
"Yeah, I suppose they were," Katt replied. "Although Quatre has a lot of skeletons in his closet that he was sleeping with before he came out of that closet guns blazing."
Flyy chuckled. "You said skeleton. That means he was boned."
With that, the three enjoyed a good laugh.
"So, who's up next?" Miko asked, putting the finishing touches on her manuscript.
"I been thinking about the Voltron team. Or maybe the Thundercats." Flyy started.
"No, no," Katt replied. "How about..."
Tune in next time to find out who the next stars of Blasting will be! In the meantime, please R&R or e-mail us at SuperKittyMiko@aol.com or ShadowKatt23@aol.com. If there's any series you'd like us to blast, let us know! It can be any cartoon, comic or video game. "No one is safe, nothing is sacred."