Part 2 - There IS no Justice (League)
By The Katt, The Flyy, and The Miko
WARNING: What you are about to read is some seriously fucked up shit. If that does not bother you, please continue. Fans of this series, please do not take offense to what is said about your favorite characters in the pages below. This is just a parody. This fanfic is intended for readers above the age of 16 and above the IQ of 7. If you do not follow under both of these criteria, please get out now. We mean it. Go away. We're not playing. Get the fuck. Ok, let's get started. And remember, you asked for it...
WARNING, PART 2: What's written here is OUR interpretation of these characters. You may or may not agree with us. If you do, fine. If you don't, fuck you. As stated above, this is just for fun. And we really are fans of these shows, otherwise we wouldn't have watched them as much as we did to be able to do this. That's why we'll never blast "Full House."
DISCLAIMER: We do not own any of these characters, except ourselves.
A few hours before sundown, the gang was sitting up in the observation booth. Miko was at her usual spot in front of the typewriter, while Katt and Flyy were talking with the newly recruited security officer, The Toad. Everyone had decided that since today's "guests" were a bit tougher than the usual rabble, someone much more powerful than Miko was needed, just in case of emergencies. Toad's face couldn't clearly be seen, and he was dressed all in black.
"You think you can handle this, Toad?" Katt asked.
"Of course," Toad replied as he faded from the scene to go collect the latest group of victims.
A short while later, a group of 7 men and women in spandex were being led by Miko to the room where the events of the evening would be taking place. They were all ball gagged and blind folded, as everyone who is blasted is. Though no one could see him, Toad was never far behind, keeping an eye on his "sister" in case any trouble broke out. She led them on until they reached the room, then proceeded to sit them down and tie them to their chairs using steel cables.
However, one of their guests, the "Man of Steel" himself, easily broke free. Out of nowhere, Toad was standing next to him. Without saying a word, he clapped a hand on Superman's shoulder and forcibly pushed him down into his seat.
"Should I retie him up?" Miko asked Toad, bowing a bit as way of thanks. Toad simply shook his head and vanished without a trace, leaving Superman and even the others visibly shocked. One thought was on everyone's mind: Somebody is stronger than Superman? Miko shrugged and left the room to get back up to the observation booth.
"Welcome to 'The Animal Farm,' ladies and gentlemen. We hope you enjoy your stay here. We've brought you here for our own entertainment. You might think us depraved and twisted individuals. Well, frankly, we are. We've been watching you for a while and know your exploits quite well. We've decided to tell you just what we think of each of you in excruciating detail. This is a process we call blasting." Miko explained as she had done before.
"Since we know who you are so well, we should probably introduce ourselves as well. I'm Miko, and I will be transcribing the events of this evening's entertainment so as to share with other individuals such as us. Let me now introduce our commentators.
"The first is Katt, my husband, and the other is Flyy. They will be your hosts tonight. When they're done, I'll come back down to provide you all with some tissues, then I'll lead you back out, blind folded of course, so that you can continue your lives. So, without further ado, Katt and Flyy! And their first victim is... Superman!" Miko finished, handing the mike over to the guys.
Flyy spoke up first. "Hey, look in that chair. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a bitch ass white boy with his underwear outside his pants."
"So Supes, how long have you been wearing the red and blue?" Katt asked. "Three words for you, playa, 'wash your shit.' You've got to have kryptonite skid marks or something."
"And from the smell of things," Flyy interjected, "you ain't touched Earth water since the first time you fought Luthor... in the 50s." He paused to sniff the air. "I bet he's got a shit stain in his draws that looks like a landing strip."
"Boys are so gross," Miko said, sticking her tongue out in disgust.
Flyy grinned and spoke up again. "I got one question for you man. Could you not have gotten a better secret identity? Glasses!? Come on. At least Robin wears a mask. You don't wear shit. All you do is take off your glasses and put a Jeri curl in. What the fuck?
"And lemme ask you this. Why is it that after the bad guys empty a clip at you, and realize the bullets aren't hurting you, they throw the gun at you? I guess they figure 'I can't kill him, so I'll just give him a really big bruise.'"
"The worst of it all is that you duck. You're supposed to be Superman! The Man of Steel!!" Katt interrupted.
"By the way, Jerry Lewis called. He wants his hair cut back." Flyy ended.
And with that, Superman shed a few tears, since his hair was his pride and joy.
"That didn't last very long..." Katt muttered.
"I think that's all we're gonna get out of him, honey." Miko said to placate her husband. "Let's just move on. The next one up is none other than my girl, Wonder Woman!"
This time, it was Katt's turn to start off. "For you coming from a bunch of man haters, you sure hang out with a lot of men. What, are you their dominatrix and they're your bitches? What?"
"I saw how you were looking at Superman when we were dealing with him," Flyy added in next. "I guess that 'Man of Steel' thing is," he made a space between his forefinger and thumb about an inch wide, "stretching the truth?"
Superman shed a few more tears and Flyy's assault continued. "And what is with that weapon? That is the worse weapon I've ever seen in my life. You use a golden lasso that makes people tell the truth."
"If that's the case, we've been wrapped up in that for about fifteen minutes," Katt added.
Out of nowhere, Flyy spoke up again. "Damn, Wonder Woman, you've got some big tits. Man, I'd love to put my thumb in your butt crack." He looked down and noticed that Wonder Woman's lasso had been tied around his ankle. "Damn, that thing really does work." Miko giggled a little.
"Miko... you're such a catgirl," her husband said in mock sternness.
"I know, honey. But you love me for it."
"Hey, Wonder Woman. Are you strictly or likely?" Flyy asked, confusing everyone. "By that I mean, strictly dickly or likely dikely?"
"Betcha Hawk Girl knows the answer," Katt snuck in. Wonder Woman broke out in tears at that. As with Superman, it wasn't for very long.
"And speaking of Hawk Girl," Miko said, trying to keep the insults coming. "it's her turn now."
"Hawk Girl, your biggest problem..." Katt tried to start.
"Is that unibrow she's hiding?" Flyy interrupted.
"No... it's that she's like a 28-year-old virgin. All of this pent-up frustration. That's why she hits so hard, you know. She's been longing for dick."
"And she tried getting some from the Flash, but, well, he's the Flash."
This time, Miko interrupted. "He is the world's fastest man, after all. Not that I'd know anything about that."
Everyone looked at Miko questioningly. "You didn't..."
"That ain't even what I'm talking about." Miko said, sticking out her tongue again.
"Anyway," Katt said, always the voice of reason. "You two need to start a 'haven't gotten off the island yet' club."
"What island?" his wife asked.
"The Virgin Island."
"I know something ya'll don't know." Flyy said in a sing-song tone of voice.
"What?" Miko asked, as curious as usual.
"Flash almost burnt down his house when he was twelve. He masturbated and started a friction fire!"
Flash started crying and tried to explain that it wasn't true in the slightest but couldn't, due to the ball gag.
"...that's so bad, Flyy..." Miko mumbled.
"It don't get no righter, babe," her husband told her.
"But I'll tell you what I really know," Flyy went on. "I know Hawk Girl been off the island. At least a couple of times."
Upon hearing this, Green Lantern tried his best to smile.
"Quit smiling, fool," Ken reprimanded him. "How do you think I knew about the unibrow? Oh, one thing..." Ken lowered his voice. "It's not on her face."
With that, Hawk Girl started to cry a bit, like everyone else.
"Wow, so we got two birds with one stone on that one!" Miko stated happily.
"Oh, by the way, GL, from what I understand, Hawk Girl understands the Double Penetration thing, so you got to get that ring thing happening a little bit," Katt informed him.
"Lemme quit playing with you, man," Flyy broke in. "I never had sex with her." He started to mutter again. "She sure can suck a dick, though."
"OK, is it just me, or is there something just utterly fucked up about a black dude with green eyes?" Katt asked.
"It's just you," Flyy quipped. "And he ain't been black since he was first drawn in the 80s."
Katt perked up like he just got a new thought. "I know why you and Hawk Girl hit it off so well. It's cuz she was craving dick and you needed pussy. You probably hadn't gotten any since you became the Green Lantern."
"But you've been a pussy since before that. Back in the Army, didn't they used to call you Private Parts?"
Miko struggled to suppress the laughter. "...it just keeps getting worse."
"You're lucky it wasn't the Navy," Flyy continued the onslaught. "He would've been a Rear Admiral."
"And what's up with that whack ass rap you got?" Katt questioned.
"Rap?" Flyy was a super bad freestylist in his own right.
"You know... 'In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight...'"
"Oh, yeah, I heard the remix to that! 'Let all who worship evil loot, cuz who's afraid of a guy in a gay green jumpsuit?'"
A slow stream of tears flowed down GL's cheeks, but he fought valiantly to hold it back. And failed.
"Now it's time for my favorite member of the Justice League... Batman." Miko said, quite unenthusiastically.
"The man who proves you can't buy good taste," Flyy started, much to Miko's displeasure. "Didja see that suit he used to wear? That little doo-doo brown number? Who dressed you!? A used car salesman?"
"I understand that you need your utility belt, being the only one with no real powers. But... aren't you supposed to take it off in the bedroom? Cuz, I don't think a grappling hook, smoke bombs, and a taser have any place in the bedroom."
Before speaking, Flyy cleared his throat. "I know from experience. When you're rasslin' around with Catwoman, yes, they do."
Katt nodded his head in agreement, having a catgirl of his own to deal with. "There you go."
"And there's something so disturbing about a grown man with all that money, and surrounds himself with nothing but young boys. I bet if you took that mask off right now, underneath would be Michael Jackson. I bet the Bat Pole goes straight up to Never Land."
Batman visibly shook with emotions at that crack.
"Is THAT why he carries Bat Lube?" Katt asked.
Just then, the Martian Manhunter, who had not been part of this group of blastees, phased into the room.
"That's not why..." he tried to say, but not before Flyy called for security. Out of nowhere, Toad was by J'onn's side and dragged him out so as not to interrupt anymore of the festivities. Meanwhile, Batman's few tears went nearly unnoticed, save for a few wet marks on his mask.
"Thank you, Toad, for your excellent services! Now it's time for someone who's not really a member of the Justice League. We just felt like having him here with us anyway! It's... Aquaman!!"
"Man, why the HELL are you here?" Flyy said angrily. "You must have the crappiest power ever!"
"You talk to fish!!" Katt exclaimed.
"For real. What the fuck can a tuna do to save your life? On land!?"
"Seriously. And I know your wife is kinda kinky, but a trident on your hand?"
"Oh, no, that's just one of the attachments."
"How many attachments does this fool got?"
"Check Batman's utility belt! Oh, I'm sorry, his utility thong." Flyy added one last jab at the Dark Knight. To call attention away from Batman, Miko spoke up.
"REALLY hon... orange and green!?" Miko loved all of the latest fashions.
"Aquaman, why is it your breath smells like the dumpster behind Red Lobster?" Katt asked sincerely.
"No," Flyy corrected. "You're mistaking that for the smell coming from between Wonder Woman's legs."
What no one had noticed was that Aquaman was crying since the mention of his wife.
"Well, that's it, guys... I'll be down in a bit with the tissue!" Miko said, rising from her seat.
After seeing everyone off, under the ever vigilant eye of Toad, the four of them sat reflecting on the night's fun.
"Man, they really didn't cry much, did they?" Katt asked.
"Honey, they're superheroes. They're not really prone to displays of emotion!" Miko tried to explain as she typed up the manuscript.
"So, who we getting next?" Flyy asked.
"Maybe Inuyasha?" Miko suggested.
"Nah, how about..."
Tune in next time to find out who the next stars of Blasting will be! In the meantime, please R&R or e-mail us at SuperKittyMiko@aol.com or ShadowKatt23@aol.com. If there's any series you'd like us to blast, let us know! It can be any cartoon, comic or video game. "No one is safe, nothing is sacred."