Chapter 23.
"Hey Spike!" Faith said cheerily as she poked her head round the office door. "Have you seen Buff? I want her to read over some of this stuff before I send it out."
Spike looked up from his desk briefly, making sure not to catch her eye. His eyes were still red and sore, and he wanted to avoid any awkward questions. In fact the office was really the last place he wanted to be at this exact moment, but as Buffy had disappeared following their chat, he couldn't exactly leave the place as well. He couldn't blame her of course, he was an idiot to think she would ever understand, he had just hoped that someway and somehow she might have been able to forgive him.
"Leave it on the desk Faith," he replied, "I'll take a look at it." His voice was low and monotone as he tried to disguise his distress.
"Um Ok, if proof reading my letters rocks your boat then you go for it honey!" Faith grinned at him. "Where's B anyhow? Have you sent her out on an errand?" She asked.
Spike ran his fingers back through his hair and shook his head. "Just leave it there Faith!" He pointed to a spot on the desk and returned to the paper he was reading. Faith didn't move, she stood staring at the guy in front of her who was trying so hard to ignore her.
"Is there something else, because I am kinda busy here love!" He snapped, agitated that she refused to leave him in peace.
Faith pulled the chair in front of the desk out and sat down, silently staring at him. Spike sighed, 'she never can just let it drop can she'. He looked up.
"What?" He asked.
"That's kinda what I was wondering," she answered, determined to get to the bottom of whatever he was hiding. Spike was a terrible liar, his jaw twitched and he couldn't look her in the eye.
"What did you do now?"
Spike threw his paper down frustrated, he so did not want to have this conversation right now, but Faith was like a pit bull, when she got a sniff of something, she never let go.
"She's gone home, why don't you call her there, or on her cell phone, I am sure she can't wait to tell you all about it!" He snapped.
Faith kicked her shoes off and put her feet up on the desk, making herself comfortable.
"Bloody hell woman, just leave me alone won't you!"
"Well that would be a no, her cell is off, and I asked Dawn to call me if she came in, and she hasn't, so that just leaves you. Back to my question then, what the hell have you done now?"
It was obvious something had happened, Buffy hadn't returned from lunch, and Spike had come back in a mother of all moods, snapping at anyone that came near him. Faith stood up and walked over to the door, shutting it, before taking her seat again.
"Spill Spike, what's the story?"
Spike sat forward in his chair and leant his head in his hands, before drawing a deep intake of breath.
"I fucked up Faith, that's what happened!! I fucked everything up!!" He sighed.
Faith was looking more and more confused by the minute. "Yeah I guessed that," she replied, "but I don't understand how you can screw up in a hour long lunch break, that has to be a record even for you!"
Spike started to laugh gently, not a happy, funny laugh, more a desperate, sad one.
"No, not today, a long time ago, a very long time ago."
He opened the top drawer of his desk and pulled out a packet of cigarettes and his familiar silver lighter. Taking one from the packet he put it to his lips and lit it.
Faith stared in astonishment, "She will so kick your ass for smoking in the office!" She exclaimed.
Spike shrugged his shoulders, he didn't imagine her coming back today, and it really was the least of his worries anyway.
"Look Spike, do you wanna talk about it?" The brunette asked, softening her tone. He looked absolutely bloody dreadful, she hadn't noticed until then. His eyes were red, black circles beneath and he was shaking, not drastically, just gently and constantly.
Faith moved round the desk and sat on it, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Come on," she whispered, "Let me in. You were the listener the other night, let me return the favour huh!"
Spike nodded slowly, raising his hand and taking a long drag from his cigarette, before stubbing it out in a make shift ashtray.
"I have a little girl Faith," he began. Faith eyes widened as she absorbed this new information.
"Ok, go on," she replied.
"Her names Molly, she's five years old, although she would probably tell you she is five and a quarter, you know what kids are like." He smiled meekly. Faith decided not to interrupt by asking questions, she just let him talk.
""I told Buffy today, I had to. She kept going on about how the past doesn't matter, but it does doesn't it? I can't just pretend it didn't happen, she's my little girl Faith."
Faith nodded, still taken aback by this admission.
"She's bound to be pissed with you Spike, I mean she trusted you and you cheated on her. You know all the shit she had with Angel and her Dad, you know how hard it was for her to trust you! You can't expect her to be all 'hearts and flowers!'"
It was all true of course, he knew that.
Spike shook his head. "It wasn't like she thinks though." He began. Faith snorted and raised her eyebrows.
"It wasn't!" He protested, "I loved her, she was everything, this was..it was a mistake, a once only mistake."
Faith actually felt a little sorry for the man in front of her. He looked so pained, and she knew he really loved Buffy, it just made no sense. Spike pulled another cigarette from the packet and lit it.
"Those things will kill you!" She said to him.
Spike sighed and took another drag. "Not much worth living for anyway any more is there?" He murmured, wiping a tear from his eye. "What's the point anyway?"
"Do you remember that party Buffy had the Christmas before I left?"
Faith nodded, "Yeah, you had that crazy row about college or something."
"Yeah, that's the one. She wanted to stay here with me, when she could have been going to Harvard or something. Well I went home after the row, Wesley was out and I got tanked up on his malt whiskey, I was out of my head. Anyhow the door goes and it's Dru, she was all upset cause her parents were making her go back to England."
Faith pulled her face into a frown. "Why was that anyway?" She asked.
"Her parents thought she was slacking too much, getting into too much trouble, shit like that. Anyhow she shows up all upset and that, so I was comforting her, and I.kinda slept with her."
Faith started to choke on the coffee she had just taken a sip of.
"Tell me you didn't tell Buffy you knocked up Dru!" She exclaimed.
Spike shook his head.
"Didn't get a chance."
"Ok, so you sleep with Dru, then what?"
Spike took a drag from his cigarette.
"Nothing, nothing happened. I woke up in the morning and she was gone. I didn't even remember at first, I was that drunk! Anyway I felt so guilty when I realised what I had done. I realised how much I wanted to be with Buffy, she meant everything to me. I decided not to tell her. There was no point, it was never going to happen again."
Faith handed him a tissue to wipe the tears from his face.
"Everything was great after that, me and Buffy were making plans, I was supposed to go round and see her that night then the door goes. I open it and its Dru standing there, six months gone and hysterical. Her parents had thrown her out, she was desperate and she had nowhere to go. She told me the baby was mine, I panicked, I didn't know what to do. Then I look at her a bit closer, she had blood running down her hands, she had cut her arms up. She just stood there. Then she told me to leave with her now, leave with her and come to England. I said no and she said she was going to kill the baby, or kill herself, whichever came first," he sobbed.
Faith looked on shocked and put an arm around her friend to comfort him.
"I couldn't let her do it Faith!" He cried, "I couldn't let her kill my baby!"
Faith held him as he sobbed inconsolably. Finally he calmed a little.
"I figured I would stay with her till she had the baby, then come back to Sunnydale, come back to Buffy. It didn't work like that, once she was born it was different. She was so beautiful and she was mine. The way her little hands gripped my fingers, and just holding her, it was magical."
Faith pulled the box of tissues towards herself, grabbing one to wipe her own tears.
"I couldn't leave her. Dru was ok at first then the postnatal depression really kicked in. She was always, you know, kinda crazy, but then she got really nuts. I wanted to leave her, take Molly with me but she just lost it. I told her before Molly's fourth birthday that I wanted a divorce, the next day she took her. I haven't seen her since. That crazy bitch took my little princess!"
Faith stroked his head in an attempt to calm him, but it was a hopeless task.
"I thought she was dead, there had been no sightings in six months, until Gunn came round the other night."
Spike pulled the photos Gunn had given him a few nights previous, and showed them to Faith.
"Wow she's really cute!" Faith smiled. "He'll find her for you, I know he will!" She whispered.
She held him for a few more moments before the phone rang.
"You want some coffee Spike?" She asked as she left the room.
Spike nodded before answering the phone.
"William Giles speaking" He answered.
"Spike it's Gunn, she's in Sunnydale, I got a tip off from some woman she was staying with in LA and she said she was heading your way. I have passed the details on to Sunnydale PD, but I thought you should know. I should be there in about an hour, I am on the freeway now. Keep your eyes open man, she's dangerous."
Spike's heart jumped into his mouth and he felt all the blood drain from his face.
"Thanks man," was all he could whisper, before he replaced the receiver and lit another cigarette.
"Hey Spike!" Faith said cheerily as she poked her head round the office door. "Have you seen Buff? I want her to read over some of this stuff before I send it out."
Spike looked up from his desk briefly, making sure not to catch her eye. His eyes were still red and sore, and he wanted to avoid any awkward questions. In fact the office was really the last place he wanted to be at this exact moment, but as Buffy had disappeared following their chat, he couldn't exactly leave the place as well. He couldn't blame her of course, he was an idiot to think she would ever understand, he had just hoped that someway and somehow she might have been able to forgive him.
"Leave it on the desk Faith," he replied, "I'll take a look at it." His voice was low and monotone as he tried to disguise his distress.
"Um Ok, if proof reading my letters rocks your boat then you go for it honey!" Faith grinned at him. "Where's B anyhow? Have you sent her out on an errand?" She asked.
Spike ran his fingers back through his hair and shook his head. "Just leave it there Faith!" He pointed to a spot on the desk and returned to the paper he was reading. Faith didn't move, she stood staring at the guy in front of her who was trying so hard to ignore her.
"Is there something else, because I am kinda busy here love!" He snapped, agitated that she refused to leave him in peace.
Faith pulled the chair in front of the desk out and sat down, silently staring at him. Spike sighed, 'she never can just let it drop can she'. He looked up.
"What?" He asked.
"That's kinda what I was wondering," she answered, determined to get to the bottom of whatever he was hiding. Spike was a terrible liar, his jaw twitched and he couldn't look her in the eye.
"What did you do now?"
Spike threw his paper down frustrated, he so did not want to have this conversation right now, but Faith was like a pit bull, when she got a sniff of something, she never let go.
"She's gone home, why don't you call her there, or on her cell phone, I am sure she can't wait to tell you all about it!" He snapped.
Faith kicked her shoes off and put her feet up on the desk, making herself comfortable.
"Bloody hell woman, just leave me alone won't you!"
"Well that would be a no, her cell is off, and I asked Dawn to call me if she came in, and she hasn't, so that just leaves you. Back to my question then, what the hell have you done now?"
It was obvious something had happened, Buffy hadn't returned from lunch, and Spike had come back in a mother of all moods, snapping at anyone that came near him. Faith stood up and walked over to the door, shutting it, before taking her seat again.
"Spill Spike, what's the story?"
Spike sat forward in his chair and leant his head in his hands, before drawing a deep intake of breath.
"I fucked up Faith, that's what happened!! I fucked everything up!!" He sighed.
Faith was looking more and more confused by the minute. "Yeah I guessed that," she replied, "but I don't understand how you can screw up in a hour long lunch break, that has to be a record even for you!"
Spike started to laugh gently, not a happy, funny laugh, more a desperate, sad one.
"No, not today, a long time ago, a very long time ago."
He opened the top drawer of his desk and pulled out a packet of cigarettes and his familiar silver lighter. Taking one from the packet he put it to his lips and lit it.
Faith stared in astonishment, "She will so kick your ass for smoking in the office!" She exclaimed.
Spike shrugged his shoulders, he didn't imagine her coming back today, and it really was the least of his worries anyway.
"Look Spike, do you wanna talk about it?" The brunette asked, softening her tone. He looked absolutely bloody dreadful, she hadn't noticed until then. His eyes were red, black circles beneath and he was shaking, not drastically, just gently and constantly.
Faith moved round the desk and sat on it, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Come on," she whispered, "Let me in. You were the listener the other night, let me return the favour huh!"
Spike nodded slowly, raising his hand and taking a long drag from his cigarette, before stubbing it out in a make shift ashtray.
"I have a little girl Faith," he began. Faith eyes widened as she absorbed this new information.
"Ok, go on," she replied.
"Her names Molly, she's five years old, although she would probably tell you she is five and a quarter, you know what kids are like." He smiled meekly. Faith decided not to interrupt by asking questions, she just let him talk.
""I told Buffy today, I had to. She kept going on about how the past doesn't matter, but it does doesn't it? I can't just pretend it didn't happen, she's my little girl Faith."
Faith nodded, still taken aback by this admission.
"She's bound to be pissed with you Spike, I mean she trusted you and you cheated on her. You know all the shit she had with Angel and her Dad, you know how hard it was for her to trust you! You can't expect her to be all 'hearts and flowers!'"
It was all true of course, he knew that.
Spike shook his head. "It wasn't like she thinks though." He began. Faith snorted and raised her eyebrows.
"It wasn't!" He protested, "I loved her, she was everything, this was..it was a mistake, a once only mistake."
Faith actually felt a little sorry for the man in front of her. He looked so pained, and she knew he really loved Buffy, it just made no sense. Spike pulled another cigarette from the packet and lit it.
"Those things will kill you!" She said to him.
Spike sighed and took another drag. "Not much worth living for anyway any more is there?" He murmured, wiping a tear from his eye. "What's the point anyway?"
"Do you remember that party Buffy had the Christmas before I left?"
Faith nodded, "Yeah, you had that crazy row about college or something."
"Yeah, that's the one. She wanted to stay here with me, when she could have been going to Harvard or something. Well I went home after the row, Wesley was out and I got tanked up on his malt whiskey, I was out of my head. Anyhow the door goes and it's Dru, she was all upset cause her parents were making her go back to England."
Faith pulled her face into a frown. "Why was that anyway?" She asked.
"Her parents thought she was slacking too much, getting into too much trouble, shit like that. Anyhow she shows up all upset and that, so I was comforting her, and I.kinda slept with her."
Faith started to choke on the coffee she had just taken a sip of.
"Tell me you didn't tell Buffy you knocked up Dru!" She exclaimed.
Spike shook his head.
"Didn't get a chance."
"Ok, so you sleep with Dru, then what?"
Spike took a drag from his cigarette.
"Nothing, nothing happened. I woke up in the morning and she was gone. I didn't even remember at first, I was that drunk! Anyway I felt so guilty when I realised what I had done. I realised how much I wanted to be with Buffy, she meant everything to me. I decided not to tell her. There was no point, it was never going to happen again."
Faith handed him a tissue to wipe the tears from his face.
"Everything was great after that, me and Buffy were making plans, I was supposed to go round and see her that night then the door goes. I open it and its Dru standing there, six months gone and hysterical. Her parents had thrown her out, she was desperate and she had nowhere to go. She told me the baby was mine, I panicked, I didn't know what to do. Then I look at her a bit closer, she had blood running down her hands, she had cut her arms up. She just stood there. Then she told me to leave with her now, leave with her and come to England. I said no and she said she was going to kill the baby, or kill herself, whichever came first," he sobbed.
Faith looked on shocked and put an arm around her friend to comfort him.
"I couldn't let her do it Faith!" He cried, "I couldn't let her kill my baby!"
Faith held him as he sobbed inconsolably. Finally he calmed a little.
"I figured I would stay with her till she had the baby, then come back to Sunnydale, come back to Buffy. It didn't work like that, once she was born it was different. She was so beautiful and she was mine. The way her little hands gripped my fingers, and just holding her, it was magical."
Faith pulled the box of tissues towards herself, grabbing one to wipe her own tears.
"I couldn't leave her. Dru was ok at first then the postnatal depression really kicked in. She was always, you know, kinda crazy, but then she got really nuts. I wanted to leave her, take Molly with me but she just lost it. I told her before Molly's fourth birthday that I wanted a divorce, the next day she took her. I haven't seen her since. That crazy bitch took my little princess!"
Faith stroked his head in an attempt to calm him, but it was a hopeless task.
"I thought she was dead, there had been no sightings in six months, until Gunn came round the other night."
Spike pulled the photos Gunn had given him a few nights previous, and showed them to Faith.
"Wow she's really cute!" Faith smiled. "He'll find her for you, I know he will!" She whispered.
She held him for a few more moments before the phone rang.
"You want some coffee Spike?" She asked as she left the room.
Spike nodded before answering the phone.
"William Giles speaking" He answered.
"Spike it's Gunn, she's in Sunnydale, I got a tip off from some woman she was staying with in LA and she said she was heading your way. I have passed the details on to Sunnydale PD, but I thought you should know. I should be there in about an hour, I am on the freeway now. Keep your eyes open man, she's dangerous."
Spike's heart jumped into his mouth and he felt all the blood drain from his face.
"Thanks man," was all he could whisper, before he replaced the receiver and lit another cigarette.