XENOSAGA: Verboten Die Erinnerungen

Emotion

Nakamura: Nonsense! There's no proof at all that you are a thinking, living lifeform!!!

Puppetmaster: And can you offer me proof of your existence? How can you, when neither modern science nor philosophy can explain what life is?

-Ghost in the Shell

**********

  I may not appear to be human.

  Nor do I make any attempt to disprove that idea.

  KOS-MOS 'thought' as she followed her friends back to the Elsa. Based on her system self-diagnosis, it was thus impossible for her, an android, to 'think' or actually 'feel'. She was not supposed have emotions. She was not supposed to be 'alive'. Even though artificial intelligence was at an advanced state, which allowed Realians to be created, life being created by humans, but possessing a consciousness of its own, she was still a creation.

  Her logic circuits allowed her to comprehend information unable to be considered by standard life forms, even the genetically modified brain cells of Observational Realians. She was superior to humans in strength, speed, endurance, processing capability, linguistics and speech enunciation, piloting skills and the like. Everything she did was better than any human could ever pray to accomplish.

  However, was she considered 'sentient life'? Even though she could speak, she could think and make battlefield decisions, she was not supposed to have a mind of her own. Everything she did was from orders. Furthermore, while 'organic' life was described as a carbon atom linked to another carbon atom or another one of the vital hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen, phosphorus or sulphur atoms that were the basis of human and Realian body structure, her body was made of triple-bonded titanium that was as resilient as a starship's hull.

  KOS-MOS reached up and touched her facial tissue. She knew that beneath the relatively soft human-like skin and polymers rested a robotic skull, with microchips and fibreoptic arrays that received information from sensors in her exoskeleton and converted it into binary information that would later be processed by the advanced microprocessors in her 'brain'.

  The others reached their residences within the Elsa, and parted ways. KOS-MOS was always fond of the time she spent alone, although technically, she was not supposed to feel a particular emotion about anything. It was during this time, in the repair unit, that she could reflect back on the event that had happened in the day and store them within her AAA class system.

  Ziggy followed her as usual, heading for his own recharge unit. As they waited for the lift to arrive, KOS-MOS heard Ziggy speak.

  "KOS-MOS, it would appear that you have something on your mind. Would you like to share any of your concerns with me?" Preposterous! Androids and weapons did not have 'things' on their 'minds'. How the cyborg could tell, she did not comprehend.

  She felt her voice response system immediately selecting a response and formulating words to reply to his question. "Negative. There is nothing as of now that-"

  Yet, oddly enough, she did not want the system to take over the conversation. KOS-MOS, in a previously unthought-of breach of protocol, overrode her synaptic response to the question, making it seem as though she had stuttered. That was unacceptable. Androids did not stutter.

  A teasing voice that sounded strikingly similar to her own spoke up in her mind. Androids don't stutter, no doubt. Androids also don't tell themselves not to stutter, and neither do they have a 'mind', as you put it.

  Banishing that 'thought' from her 'consciousness', KOS-MOS registered the fact that Ziggy was asking her the same question again, perhaps due to the fact that she had stopped mid-sentence. "KOS-MOS, are you alright?"

  Preposterous again. Androids did not 'feel' not alright. They did not 'feel' at all.

  "I-I am unsure."

  They got in the lift, and the android sneaked a peek at her comrade, while reminding herself that androids did not 'sneak' a peek. Ziggy was staring into the distance and was emotionless as always, but he seemed to have a hint of a smile on his grim face. "It is alright to confess one's innermost feelings."

  KOS-MOS stared out of the glass panes as well, silent for a while. "I am an android. I do not have feelings."

  Ziggy's smile was now more obvious, although just a mere uplifting of his lips. "Emotions will always be there. I know. Trust me."

  As they exited the lift, KOS-MOS processed all the info she had on Ziggy. Part of his brain was replaced by a powerful processor unit, the same part where he had shot himself. That region of the brain was responsible for emotions and the like, and yet, he still…KOS-MOS could not describe it; she had seen that reaction surface within Ziggy when MOMO was captured. It was something reflected by parents or friends. It was concern.

  Standing on another lift, one that would take them down to the AGWS hangar, KOS-MOS stood stiffly and asked. "Is it wrong for me to have feelings?"

  Ziggy gripped the side of the lift as it began its descent. KOS-MOS registered that he did so not to maintain balance, but as though to dispel a memory. "There is nothing wrong with emotions, or lack thereof. What we need to know, is how to express that emotion."

  They walked side by side onto another lift, past the annoying robot that sold parts to help the captain pay off his debt, and KOS-MOS felt a certain feeling. It was described as 'relief' in her vocabulary.

  That was unacceptable. Androids did not need to be 'relieved'.

  When they finally reached the recharge areas, Ziggy broke the silence. "KOS-MOS. Have you ever felt awkward around us?"

  "I do not feel anything, therefore I cannot feel 'awkward'."

  Ziggy smiled a real smile now. "Denial is the first stage of what you are going through. You shall soon accept the truth." He looked away. "Don't run away from it, like I did."

  A tear slid down his cheek, although his outer expression remained stolid as always. For the first time in her short life, KOS-MOS wanted to reach out and make him feel better. She immediately recoiled, mortified at her feelings. This was…'concern'. Androids did not express concern. They did not feel mortified.

  But, she was doing all of those. Was she an android? Was she human? Was she alive? Or was she merely another creation of humans?

  Ziggy stood with his back facing her. Yet, from his tone, she could tell that he grieved, for something, or someone.

  "If you have some time, I can inform you of what you are feeling now and how to deal with it. This is one thing we both have in common; we try to run from our emotions."

  That was true. KOS-MOS mused. She had ascertained that it was a 99.563439 probability that she was feeling emotions that humans would. Yet, she ran from it. From what she knew of Ziggy, he had been running as well, replacing his human parts with robotic ones. If he could feel emotions, so could she.

  "I do have time. My recharge and maintenance cycle only will consume two hours and five minutes, given my present conditions. My batteries will continue to function at peak capacity for another five days even if I do not recharge."

  Ziggy laughed, a metallic, cold sound that was devoid of humour. He caught himself, apparently surprised at his laughter. "Hm…I do not recall my laughter being so cold. Then again, I have not laughed much ever since I became this way."

 KOS-MOS asked. "Was there a purpose in laughter? I did not perceive anything that was particularly humorous."

  Ziggy gestured for her to take a seat by one of the couches in the room. When she declined, he replied that it would conserve her energy. Seeing the practicality, KOS-MOS sat reluctantly on a squeaky sofa that groaned under her weight. Ziggy sat himself in his chair, plugging several data and energy ports into their recharge conduits.

  And so they talked, android to cyborg. Two of kind, yet worlds apart. They talked on for hours, KOS-MOS opening up more and more as she listened to her newfound friend tell her of humans, after promising to keep tonight a secret, even to Shion, lest she think there was a malfunction with KOS-MOS. The android did not want to lose her new awareness, and she felt strange thinking so.

  She had never learnt so much in the space of one night.

**********

Cafeteria,

Elsa

  Jr. burst in happily. "Hey everyone!!!! Guess what!"

  Everyone else with the notable exception of MOMO (who was perky as usual), Ziggy (who was staring emotionlessly at Jr. as usual) and KOS-MOS (who was staring at the space in front of her, totally ignoring Jr…as usual) stared at Jr. wondering what could have made him so happy so early in the morning.

  Allen groaned into his cup of coffee. "Aww…it's too early to be obnoxious. This had better be good."

  Jr. paused to look at Allen's bloodshot eyes and tired countenance. "Man…why are ya looking so tired?"

  "Shion kept me up all night. She's asleep right now, cause I didn't wanna wake her as I got changed."

  Everyone stared at Allen, with the notable exception of Ziggy (who merely turned his head quizzically in his direction), and KOS-MOS, who stared at him emotionlessly as usual). chaos looked at him, his eyes rather large. "Ah, Allen, did we just hear what we think we heard?"

  "Yeah. She was sleeping right next to me and I didn't wanna wake her as I got up. What's wrong with letting her sleep? I mean, last night was something else, no kidding."

  By this time, every human or Realian in the room were in danger of having their jaws dislocated as they stared at Allen.

  Jr. was the first to recover, and whistled shrilly. "Yo, Allen-pal! Didn't think that you had it in you!"

  "What d'you mean? If you guys are still going on about letting Shion sleep in, I'll go get her if this is that important."

  As Jr. tried to make Allen confess to having sex with Shion just for the sake of hearing Allen say it, Ziggy led MOMO out of the room quietly, ignoring her pleas to stay behind and see what would happen. The young girl had picked up an incredibly thorough knowledge of human reproductive systems ever since she had met up with Jr. He would have to watch that kid more closely next time.

  At last, Allen caught on, thanks to Captain Matthews' not-so-subtle nudging. One might have called it verbal shoving.

  "WHAT? DON'T BE SILLY! We were just discussing methods of reprogramming KOS-MOS!! She slept next to me in a SLEEPING BAG, ALRIGHT!? Get those perverted thoughts out of your darn heads!"

  "But you got changed…"

  "I put on a clean jacket."

  There was a collective sigh as Allen revealed the truth.

  "Although, she DID accidentally place her arm around me as she was sleeping."

  That statement instantly diverted everyone's attention to Allen again, and it was a while before poor Allen was rescued by Jr. reminding them that he indeed had something to say.

  "Oh yeah! You wouldn't believe this, but-"

  Matthews suddenly leapt up of his chair and dragged Jr. off. ("Ah, please excuse us!") Everyone else promptly forgot about them, and continued with their breakfast. Hammer and Tony were playing cards in a corner, grumbling about some 'hyperparticlemegajouleenergyacceleratorsubspacetearinginstantUMNcontacttransportdevice' that the Captain had asked them to buy. A quick UMN search had blown up their mobile com due to the feedback from what seemed like a billion sites. Allen was looking into his cold porridge while chaos poked at his strangely greenish soup. To his relief, it turned out to be miso soup. Cold, undercooked and overnight miso soup no doubt, but still miso soup.

  Ziggy and MOMO returned, presumably to escape Jr and Matthews, who were arguing very voraciously outside, and sat down next to KOS-MOS, who was sitting alone. MOMO greeted the android, whom she had come to consider as a big sister, with a cheery hello. KOS-MOS replied with a standard good morning, but placed more well-meaning into it that before.

  "So, KOS-MOS, what are you gonna do today?"

  KOS-MOS gazed down at the shorter girl, who was looking expectedly at her, and then to Ziggy, who was gazing at her emotionlessly. MOMO continued. "Oh, please, are you free to play with us? chaos said he would be coming as well, and Jr. too! We're heading for the beach, and then the arcade!"

  KOS-MOS surprised herself by agreeing, and Ziggy nodded slightly. It was then that Jr. sprang over. "Hey, MOMO, guys! Wanna go have some fun?"

  Without waiting for an answer, he grabbed MOMO's hand and led her off.

  KOS-MOs looked at Ziggy, as chaos followed the young duo, his eyes twinkling with mirth. "How can a director of Kukai be so…exuberant at a time where the Federation and his own 'brother' seeks out U-TIC?"

  Ziggy gestured for her to follow them. "At times, the human spirit can thrive on joy and mirth. You will learn about that in time. For now, let us partake in their pleasures."

**********

A/N: Hey, so how's it going? It shall not be a Ziggy-KOS-MOS, but their relationship will be a bit like older daughter-older brother. Remember what MOMO said about her being like an older sister in this chapter? Well, there you are. I'll get Shion to have more time with Allen soon, but until then, see ya guys!

PS: readers of my past chapters before I removed them will know the significance of Matthew's actions.