Finally, after three years it happened. Seifer and Quistis had broken up. Their personalities clashed for the final time. Of course I had not been waiting three years for this to happen, just since I arrived at this school. Everything was changing for everyone, since it was our first year of college. I don't know why they split; I don't know anything about what set it off.
I've had a crush on Seifer since I met him two months ago. He was chatting with some friends about a new movie that had come out, and he made me laugh. Then I learned of his ongoing relationship with Quistis, so I decided that I should give up. I didn't want to be in a triangle of any sort. Then I met her, and I was not impressed. She had a sour-look on her face and her arms folded in front of her, all upset that she was with Seifer. He was thoroughly enjoying a guitarist play on stage. A hobby that even I know he's into, and I hardly knew him. I tried not to judge her, maybe there was something to them that I could not see. Then I heard the news. Everyone knew that Seifer was shattered, totally depressed that they were no longer together. I hardly saw him for a while after that.
Then last week, he started hanging out with us. He seemed pretty jovial except when he mentioned Quistis a few times. Everything seemed to be going well. Later that night, he came over into my dorm, and he ended up sleeping in bed with me. My roommate didn't seem to mind, she was happy about it. She was happy because finally after the lonely months at school, I finally had someone attracted to me. I thought that he was only going to sleep in my bed. However, once my roommate fell asleep, he began cuddling with me. He had such a tight grip on me. I could feel his heart beat deep in his chest into my back. I could feel him breath in and out, and it was very soothing to me. I felt so content in his arms. That was as far as I thought it would go, until he kissed me. He even started getting a little too frisky with his kisses, and past experiences I've had made me push away. He didn't seem too deterred, and continued cuddling with me. I felt like he really needed me there, and I wished to be there.
Morning came, and Seifer continued cuddling with me until my roommate's alarm rang. He then hopped up, and put the blanket over me and left. We ate dinner with him later that night, and he acted like nothing happened. I wasn't quite sure if I thought that was a good thing or a bad thing. But it did make it less awkward.
I stayed over in his room later that week. I really don't think he wanted me to stay there, but I would have left if he wanted me to. I also told him that. He said no, and only gave me physical attention once his roommate left the room. A few times I thought he was going to kiss me, so I took initiative and kissed him on the cheek. Later, once his roommate was asleep, he began cuddling with me, and kissing me again. But I really felt that it was happening for me. I couldn't have been more excited. Everything seemed to be going my way. Eventually, we fell asleep together on his futon in his room.
7:34 a.m. we had an unexpected visitor. I saw a face poke through his door. I immediately shut my eyes… I knew that face, it was Quistis. I heard her walk into the room, and she stood over the futon. "Seifer!" she said slightly more quietly then I would have expected.
Immediately, the sleeping figure next to me awoke. He looked at the figure in our room, and these words exploded from his mouth, "Quisty, it's not what it looks like!" Then they emptied the room. I sat up on the futon, and awaited his return. I could hear them arguing out in the hall in hushed whispers. I heard words like: cheat, you were sleeping with her, how could you? I heard her crying in the hallway, and I felt pity. My last boyfriend had hurt me in ways similar to Seifer's actions, and I related to how she was feeling. I knew the words she must have been thinking of me, and I felt like maybe I did fit those descriptions.
An hour later, Seifer returned. He seemed emotionally shut down. I immediately began trying to comfort him, and he asked me out into the hallway so his roommate couldn't hear what he was going to say to me. He stood there, looking pretty tired, with his arms crossed in front of his chest. "That was pretty bad," he started. "So this is what happened… I came back and you and him were already there. You slept down on the futon, and during the night I put my blanket down on you so you weren't cold. I slept up on the top bunk. Then I woke up to shut off his alarm, and I accidentally got on the futon with you, and that's when she came in. Okay?"
I didn't know what to say. I wanted to ask him so many questions, and I wanted him to hug me. He then went back into his room to get his story straight with his roommate. I then put on my jacket and shoes, since Seifer soon had to be at work. Leaving his dorm, I felt like I was taking the infamous walk-of-shame, as most college stories end. I never thought of myself having to take a walk-of-shame, I never thought I would make so big of a mistake. However, I went back to my room without a fight, and had just missed my roommate, so I had to wait to tell her all about the adventures of the night. Before I went to take a nap, I went online to see him still there, I asked him if he was alright. He told me he would be eventually, but not to tell anyone about what happened. Then he left, the last time I would really talk to him online.
Over the next couple days, many questions went running through my head. I tried to rationalize Seifer's actions with all these crazy ideas. I did not want to believe that he had used me. I did not want to believe that I had subjected myself further to pain and misery. I had just gotten over years of those same feelings from my last boyfriend. I began to question my worth, and if I really was all of those things I'm sure Quistis called me, and possibly still calls me.
Most of my questions were answered, when later that week, Seifer began to block me online. It was clear that he had made his choice. Then I recessed back into my feelings of worthlessness, and so many other new complex feelings. Eventually, I realized that he was not good enough for me, and it was good that it ended before it went any further, if I was just a rebound girl. I still see the two of them, and they never look happy. They are always fighting, probably because of my doing. So I'm glad I'm not a part of that. However, I am mad at myself for letting him get close to me, despite my better intuitions. One of these days, I will find a man that will make me happy, that wouldn't use me, and confuse me so utterly. One of these days…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just something I had to write since it's been bugging me since it happened. Sometimes you just gotta write about things so you can understand them more fully. Something interesting though, when I first started it (when I was still feeling sympathy for the guy) I started by calling him Squall. Now to me, he fits better as a Seifer.
~Jess~
I've had a crush on Seifer since I met him two months ago. He was chatting with some friends about a new movie that had come out, and he made me laugh. Then I learned of his ongoing relationship with Quistis, so I decided that I should give up. I didn't want to be in a triangle of any sort. Then I met her, and I was not impressed. She had a sour-look on her face and her arms folded in front of her, all upset that she was with Seifer. He was thoroughly enjoying a guitarist play on stage. A hobby that even I know he's into, and I hardly knew him. I tried not to judge her, maybe there was something to them that I could not see. Then I heard the news. Everyone knew that Seifer was shattered, totally depressed that they were no longer together. I hardly saw him for a while after that.
Then last week, he started hanging out with us. He seemed pretty jovial except when he mentioned Quistis a few times. Everything seemed to be going well. Later that night, he came over into my dorm, and he ended up sleeping in bed with me. My roommate didn't seem to mind, she was happy about it. She was happy because finally after the lonely months at school, I finally had someone attracted to me. I thought that he was only going to sleep in my bed. However, once my roommate fell asleep, he began cuddling with me. He had such a tight grip on me. I could feel his heart beat deep in his chest into my back. I could feel him breath in and out, and it was very soothing to me. I felt so content in his arms. That was as far as I thought it would go, until he kissed me. He even started getting a little too frisky with his kisses, and past experiences I've had made me push away. He didn't seem too deterred, and continued cuddling with me. I felt like he really needed me there, and I wished to be there.
Morning came, and Seifer continued cuddling with me until my roommate's alarm rang. He then hopped up, and put the blanket over me and left. We ate dinner with him later that night, and he acted like nothing happened. I wasn't quite sure if I thought that was a good thing or a bad thing. But it did make it less awkward.
I stayed over in his room later that week. I really don't think he wanted me to stay there, but I would have left if he wanted me to. I also told him that. He said no, and only gave me physical attention once his roommate left the room. A few times I thought he was going to kiss me, so I took initiative and kissed him on the cheek. Later, once his roommate was asleep, he began cuddling with me, and kissing me again. But I really felt that it was happening for me. I couldn't have been more excited. Everything seemed to be going my way. Eventually, we fell asleep together on his futon in his room.
7:34 a.m. we had an unexpected visitor. I saw a face poke through his door. I immediately shut my eyes… I knew that face, it was Quistis. I heard her walk into the room, and she stood over the futon. "Seifer!" she said slightly more quietly then I would have expected.
Immediately, the sleeping figure next to me awoke. He looked at the figure in our room, and these words exploded from his mouth, "Quisty, it's not what it looks like!" Then they emptied the room. I sat up on the futon, and awaited his return. I could hear them arguing out in the hall in hushed whispers. I heard words like: cheat, you were sleeping with her, how could you? I heard her crying in the hallway, and I felt pity. My last boyfriend had hurt me in ways similar to Seifer's actions, and I related to how she was feeling. I knew the words she must have been thinking of me, and I felt like maybe I did fit those descriptions.
An hour later, Seifer returned. He seemed emotionally shut down. I immediately began trying to comfort him, and he asked me out into the hallway so his roommate couldn't hear what he was going to say to me. He stood there, looking pretty tired, with his arms crossed in front of his chest. "That was pretty bad," he started. "So this is what happened… I came back and you and him were already there. You slept down on the futon, and during the night I put my blanket down on you so you weren't cold. I slept up on the top bunk. Then I woke up to shut off his alarm, and I accidentally got on the futon with you, and that's when she came in. Okay?"
I didn't know what to say. I wanted to ask him so many questions, and I wanted him to hug me. He then went back into his room to get his story straight with his roommate. I then put on my jacket and shoes, since Seifer soon had to be at work. Leaving his dorm, I felt like I was taking the infamous walk-of-shame, as most college stories end. I never thought of myself having to take a walk-of-shame, I never thought I would make so big of a mistake. However, I went back to my room without a fight, and had just missed my roommate, so I had to wait to tell her all about the adventures of the night. Before I went to take a nap, I went online to see him still there, I asked him if he was alright. He told me he would be eventually, but not to tell anyone about what happened. Then he left, the last time I would really talk to him online.
Over the next couple days, many questions went running through my head. I tried to rationalize Seifer's actions with all these crazy ideas. I did not want to believe that he had used me. I did not want to believe that I had subjected myself further to pain and misery. I had just gotten over years of those same feelings from my last boyfriend. I began to question my worth, and if I really was all of those things I'm sure Quistis called me, and possibly still calls me.
Most of my questions were answered, when later that week, Seifer began to block me online. It was clear that he had made his choice. Then I recessed back into my feelings of worthlessness, and so many other new complex feelings. Eventually, I realized that he was not good enough for me, and it was good that it ended before it went any further, if I was just a rebound girl. I still see the two of them, and they never look happy. They are always fighting, probably because of my doing. So I'm glad I'm not a part of that. However, I am mad at myself for letting him get close to me, despite my better intuitions. One of these days, I will find a man that will make me happy, that wouldn't use me, and confuse me so utterly. One of these days…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just something I had to write since it's been bugging me since it happened. Sometimes you just gotta write about things so you can understand them more fully. Something interesting though, when I first started it (when I was still feeling sympathy for the guy) I started by calling him Squall. Now to me, he fits better as a Seifer.
~Jess~