A/N: I see my evil scheme for confusing the hell out of you guys is working nicely! Think about the last chapter, go and skim over it. Does it sound like something that would really happen? Piper somehow changing locations, from a forest to cloud-land to the attic, just like that? For Phoebe and Paige to appear from out of nowhere then be gone again? For Prue to return, be an evil so and so, turn into a zombie then back, then throw herself out a window?
Prue's not back, she's most certainly not evil, and Piper is a crazy maniac. And you love her for it.
A/N: Heather, I am loving your review count! Anon, thank you also, what would I do without you? And Kit, I'm A/Ning you for fun because you're great. Sorry about the long break, suffering from mundo writer's block and a general hatred of this chapter. Well, I think it's time for a little Paigey goodness!
*
Psychosis: Revelations
*
I'm scared. I'm scared for myself and I'm scared for her. Contending with hiding what I must is proving itself more difficult than I ever imagined. Is it possible to keep such treachery a secret from someone you love so much?
Whenever I see her my heart breaks with the knowledge of how much she hurts inside, and how that is my fault. I'd like to point the finger at someone else for Phoebe running away from her family. I'd like to blame Paige, for what she did to her. But if it hadn't been for me, none of this would've happened. It's a burden I must bear, and keep with me.
Forever.
* * *
And up and stretch and pull and down and up and stretch and pull and down and up and stretch and pull and down, come on, get the toes, you can do it, touch the toes, up and stretch and pull and down and clench it, clench it, clench and stretch and clench and stretch and reach and grab, hold, hold, pull and down and-
I collapse backward heavily, my back screaming at me in agony as I finally let it relax after thirty solid minutes of stomach crunches. I don't wonder why I'm doing this to myself, I just get on with it. Why question something that's working so well to take my mind off my life?
Of course, now that I'm lying here, aching... my thoughts flounder from the task at hand to other things. I hear music start to play, whether it's real or it's just in my head I'll never know. I recognise the mellow acoustic intro, the repeated notes, walking bassline, simplicity of the violins playing their slow yet tingling melody. Already I have goosebumps. Such emotion conceived in so little time, no words, just music.
"All around me, I see what weakness has made."
Of course. Now I know why this song has always meant so much to me. Why it means so much to people like me. I could imagine that Prue would have as much affinity with this song as I do. The contradiction is painful to listen to.
"Too much tomorrow - I think I'll take all today"
I only wish. How come it feels like I never seem to do anything, but somehow I have no time? Is it some kind of infernal laziness that's spread over me? What's changed now that I can never be bothered to make any effort for anything anymore? That's a lot of anys. Whatever, so I have a limited grasp on this language of ours, so sue me.
Why the hell am I arguing with myself over my fucking vocabulary? I'm so easily annoyed these days! Fuck's sake!
"Am I a poison? Am I a thorn in the side?"
Back to my melancholic bitterness again, I think I'm a pest to just about everybody in my life. Including myself. I don't know what it is with me, but whenever I have company, I just... find myself getting inexplicably angry and for what reason, I'll never know! It's like I'm possessed or something, it just hurts and burns too much to have to listen to people drone on and lecture me and even when they're trying to be chivalrous and kind I can't help but perceive it as condescending.
"Am I picture perfect subject tonight?"
Ha! That's great, just great. What's more comforting than listening to a song which can jibe at you from every angle? I know I'm not the prettiest person in the world, god dammit! What the hell do you want from me? I exercise for over eight hours per day, I torture myself endlessly about my appearance, and here's the question blatantly thrown in my face. Not tonight.
I wonder if I've ever actually said the sentence "Not tonight" to someone. I'm a slut. I know I am. I can't remember the number of one night stands I've had, always liking the guy more than I should, always getting hurt when I wake up alone in the morning, last night's mascara gluing my eyes half shut, his smell still lingering on my sheets.
And I'd cry in the shower, and then again in the car on the way to work. And I'd duck out of work or be sent home because I'm so goddamn miserable. Look at me now, crying. Lying on the floor and crying. Sickly sweat sticks to my skin, and the tears enforce the rawness of my flesh onto me.
But I've hardened now. I'm better.
"I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words
To crash on through."
I silently agree with Ed Roland's convincing lies. Because now, after all this, I know I don't need anybody. I fell to far behind in the belief that I did, that all I needed to be happy was somebody, anybody, and that I'd be fixed. That I'd be okay. And I tried, god, how hard I really tried. And when I found my sisters? It was like all my prayers had been answered.
"I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into."
Faith. What a load of shit. Speaking as a person who used to have this so-called faith, I think I'm allowed to say that I just don't believe in it anymore. How can something I tried and toiled over so hard to attain, something I pleaded and begged so much for, something I believed would eventually happen be such a disappointment? Something I had faith in. Happiness was something I had faith in, and look at me. I'm pathetic.
"Here I slumber to awaken my daze."
What a good idea. I could use a nice long sleep. A nice long eternal sleep. I've tried it before but that idiot Leo stopped me... and times before that, I'd never cut too deep. Maybe next time I'll do better.
"I find convenience in this savior I save."
I remember when we started. The incredible feeling of utter disbelief I used to get when we saved an innocent, my astonishment that I, Paige Matthews, could be capable of such things. Of course it was what I'd wanted my whole life, why I'd gone into a career with the social services, but to help people to this caliber was just incredible!
Still... I can't help but feel my joining of the Charmed Ones was a little convenient. What am I supposed to feel? Their sister dies on them and suddenly they find out about me? It's to far-fetched. Maybe they knew all along. Maybe they knew about me but chose not to contact me. Maybe they were ashamed.
I tune out of the song, unable to take in the lyrics anymore for fear that they'll apply to me just that little bit too much and I'll get angry. Because when that happens, I only hate myself more and feel totally wretched about it. Trying to calm down only makes it worse, it fuels my rage, making me challenge myself with why should I stop myself? Why should I comply to their stupid rules? Why should I be civilised? I can't even be civil to myself let alone others. I only wish that since I'd attacked my beautiful sweet sister Phoebe I'd have found a cure, but no. For still that inexplicable urge and burning forces itself upon me. Still I am angry.
I've broken stuff, not just mine. I caused a car accident, then wondered why I rushed in to help. I've made a tornado in my room, it's a mess and afterwards, once the heat goes away, I feel so desperately frightened and alone and sweaty and hateful that it only becomes worse! So I take it out on myself. I punish my mind, I punish my body. It'd what I deserve for being such a despicable person.
This can't be who I was supposed to be, can it?
Shouldn't I be comfortable in my own skin? Then why do I feel like tearing it all off and becoming a new person? I wish I wasn't me.
Breathing hard, I let my head fall backwards onto the ground with a little thump.
"You're all I need.
While the water runs deep."
The song has reached it's epiphiny: how rather than pushing people away claiming that he doesn't need anybody, Ed Roland realises that it's quite the opposite. He's spent all this time convincing himself and others that he's better off alone, that he can take care of himself, that he never took the time to actually consider the fact that really another person is all he needs.
And with this I identify myself. They're all I need. When I found them after a lifetime of searching for my missing part, I was overjoyed at the prospect of finally having someone. Of being complete. Then Piper's illness came into play and all I could do was distance myself to avoid getting hurt.
I was a fool.
I need to repair this.
I need my sisters.
Propping myself up onto my elbows, I see bright blue orbs appear in the far corner of my room just as the last notes of the song die away. Something I will never know is if that song was actually playing, or it was just in my head. I'd like to take it as a sign. As my own personal epiphany. As a gift.
"I sensed a change," Leo explains his presence, looking intimidated.
Nodding reproachfully, I slowly get to my feet, feeling clammy and sweaty under my loose clothes. "I want to make this better Leo," I tell him. "I can't live with this, thinking about what could've been. About how the Charmed Ones were destroyed by themselves and not evil. I can't believe that we're the evil here."
Stepping forward, Leo reaches a hand out towards me then falters, and puts it back by his side. "You're not," he says forcefully. "I promise you, you're not the evil. And you can prove it."
Wetting my lips, I sniff and look down at the floor, before connecting my eyes with him. "I'm sorry Leo, I'm sorry for everything I did and-"
He cuts me off with a "shh" and quickly pulls me into a tight embrace. "You don't have to apologise for anything Paige. But I must warn you... things are going to get worse before they get better."
Before I can question him, I feel us begin to orb out as he takes me home, where I will find out that Piper is manic and Phoebe is gone.
*
*
A/N: Ew.
The song is Needs by Collective Soul, I advise you all give it a good listen because it really is incredible. And no, I will never go down the road of a songfic again. You have my word. *shudders*
Prue's not back, she's most certainly not evil, and Piper is a crazy maniac. And you love her for it.
A/N: Heather, I am loving your review count! Anon, thank you also, what would I do without you? And Kit, I'm A/Ning you for fun because you're great. Sorry about the long break, suffering from mundo writer's block and a general hatred of this chapter. Well, I think it's time for a little Paigey goodness!
*
Psychosis: Revelations
*
I'm scared. I'm scared for myself and I'm scared for her. Contending with hiding what I must is proving itself more difficult than I ever imagined. Is it possible to keep such treachery a secret from someone you love so much?
Whenever I see her my heart breaks with the knowledge of how much she hurts inside, and how that is my fault. I'd like to point the finger at someone else for Phoebe running away from her family. I'd like to blame Paige, for what she did to her. But if it hadn't been for me, none of this would've happened. It's a burden I must bear, and keep with me.
Forever.
* * *
And up and stretch and pull and down and up and stretch and pull and down and up and stretch and pull and down, come on, get the toes, you can do it, touch the toes, up and stretch and pull and down and clench it, clench it, clench and stretch and clench and stretch and reach and grab, hold, hold, pull and down and-
I collapse backward heavily, my back screaming at me in agony as I finally let it relax after thirty solid minutes of stomach crunches. I don't wonder why I'm doing this to myself, I just get on with it. Why question something that's working so well to take my mind off my life?
Of course, now that I'm lying here, aching... my thoughts flounder from the task at hand to other things. I hear music start to play, whether it's real or it's just in my head I'll never know. I recognise the mellow acoustic intro, the repeated notes, walking bassline, simplicity of the violins playing their slow yet tingling melody. Already I have goosebumps. Such emotion conceived in so little time, no words, just music.
"All around me, I see what weakness has made."
Of course. Now I know why this song has always meant so much to me. Why it means so much to people like me. I could imagine that Prue would have as much affinity with this song as I do. The contradiction is painful to listen to.
"Too much tomorrow - I think I'll take all today"
I only wish. How come it feels like I never seem to do anything, but somehow I have no time? Is it some kind of infernal laziness that's spread over me? What's changed now that I can never be bothered to make any effort for anything anymore? That's a lot of anys. Whatever, so I have a limited grasp on this language of ours, so sue me.
Why the hell am I arguing with myself over my fucking vocabulary? I'm so easily annoyed these days! Fuck's sake!
"Am I a poison? Am I a thorn in the side?"
Back to my melancholic bitterness again, I think I'm a pest to just about everybody in my life. Including myself. I don't know what it is with me, but whenever I have company, I just... find myself getting inexplicably angry and for what reason, I'll never know! It's like I'm possessed or something, it just hurts and burns too much to have to listen to people drone on and lecture me and even when they're trying to be chivalrous and kind I can't help but perceive it as condescending.
"Am I picture perfect subject tonight?"
Ha! That's great, just great. What's more comforting than listening to a song which can jibe at you from every angle? I know I'm not the prettiest person in the world, god dammit! What the hell do you want from me? I exercise for over eight hours per day, I torture myself endlessly about my appearance, and here's the question blatantly thrown in my face. Not tonight.
I wonder if I've ever actually said the sentence "Not tonight" to someone. I'm a slut. I know I am. I can't remember the number of one night stands I've had, always liking the guy more than I should, always getting hurt when I wake up alone in the morning, last night's mascara gluing my eyes half shut, his smell still lingering on my sheets.
And I'd cry in the shower, and then again in the car on the way to work. And I'd duck out of work or be sent home because I'm so goddamn miserable. Look at me now, crying. Lying on the floor and crying. Sickly sweat sticks to my skin, and the tears enforce the rawness of my flesh onto me.
But I've hardened now. I'm better.
"I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words
To crash on through."
I silently agree with Ed Roland's convincing lies. Because now, after all this, I know I don't need anybody. I fell to far behind in the belief that I did, that all I needed to be happy was somebody, anybody, and that I'd be fixed. That I'd be okay. And I tried, god, how hard I really tried. And when I found my sisters? It was like all my prayers had been answered.
"I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into."
Faith. What a load of shit. Speaking as a person who used to have this so-called faith, I think I'm allowed to say that I just don't believe in it anymore. How can something I tried and toiled over so hard to attain, something I pleaded and begged so much for, something I believed would eventually happen be such a disappointment? Something I had faith in. Happiness was something I had faith in, and look at me. I'm pathetic.
"Here I slumber to awaken my daze."
What a good idea. I could use a nice long sleep. A nice long eternal sleep. I've tried it before but that idiot Leo stopped me... and times before that, I'd never cut too deep. Maybe next time I'll do better.
"I find convenience in this savior I save."
I remember when we started. The incredible feeling of utter disbelief I used to get when we saved an innocent, my astonishment that I, Paige Matthews, could be capable of such things. Of course it was what I'd wanted my whole life, why I'd gone into a career with the social services, but to help people to this caliber was just incredible!
Still... I can't help but feel my joining of the Charmed Ones was a little convenient. What am I supposed to feel? Their sister dies on them and suddenly they find out about me? It's to far-fetched. Maybe they knew all along. Maybe they knew about me but chose not to contact me. Maybe they were ashamed.
I tune out of the song, unable to take in the lyrics anymore for fear that they'll apply to me just that little bit too much and I'll get angry. Because when that happens, I only hate myself more and feel totally wretched about it. Trying to calm down only makes it worse, it fuels my rage, making me challenge myself with why should I stop myself? Why should I comply to their stupid rules? Why should I be civilised? I can't even be civil to myself let alone others. I only wish that since I'd attacked my beautiful sweet sister Phoebe I'd have found a cure, but no. For still that inexplicable urge and burning forces itself upon me. Still I am angry.
I've broken stuff, not just mine. I caused a car accident, then wondered why I rushed in to help. I've made a tornado in my room, it's a mess and afterwards, once the heat goes away, I feel so desperately frightened and alone and sweaty and hateful that it only becomes worse! So I take it out on myself. I punish my mind, I punish my body. It'd what I deserve for being such a despicable person.
This can't be who I was supposed to be, can it?
Shouldn't I be comfortable in my own skin? Then why do I feel like tearing it all off and becoming a new person? I wish I wasn't me.
Breathing hard, I let my head fall backwards onto the ground with a little thump.
"You're all I need.
While the water runs deep."
The song has reached it's epiphiny: how rather than pushing people away claiming that he doesn't need anybody, Ed Roland realises that it's quite the opposite. He's spent all this time convincing himself and others that he's better off alone, that he can take care of himself, that he never took the time to actually consider the fact that really another person is all he needs.
And with this I identify myself. They're all I need. When I found them after a lifetime of searching for my missing part, I was overjoyed at the prospect of finally having someone. Of being complete. Then Piper's illness came into play and all I could do was distance myself to avoid getting hurt.
I was a fool.
I need to repair this.
I need my sisters.
Propping myself up onto my elbows, I see bright blue orbs appear in the far corner of my room just as the last notes of the song die away. Something I will never know is if that song was actually playing, or it was just in my head. I'd like to take it as a sign. As my own personal epiphany. As a gift.
"I sensed a change," Leo explains his presence, looking intimidated.
Nodding reproachfully, I slowly get to my feet, feeling clammy and sweaty under my loose clothes. "I want to make this better Leo," I tell him. "I can't live with this, thinking about what could've been. About how the Charmed Ones were destroyed by themselves and not evil. I can't believe that we're the evil here."
Stepping forward, Leo reaches a hand out towards me then falters, and puts it back by his side. "You're not," he says forcefully. "I promise you, you're not the evil. And you can prove it."
Wetting my lips, I sniff and look down at the floor, before connecting my eyes with him. "I'm sorry Leo, I'm sorry for everything I did and-"
He cuts me off with a "shh" and quickly pulls me into a tight embrace. "You don't have to apologise for anything Paige. But I must warn you... things are going to get worse before they get better."
Before I can question him, I feel us begin to orb out as he takes me home, where I will find out that Piper is manic and Phoebe is gone.
*
*
A/N: Ew.
The song is Needs by Collective Soul, I advise you all give it a good listen because it really is incredible. And no, I will never go down the road of a songfic again. You have my word. *shudders*