Fox: We're back, people. Moments ago Tommy Vercetti told us how he is going
to whoop Tanner from Driver in our main event and totally trashed our co-
commentator Solid Snake.
Snake: I've cooled off a little during the break. But if Tanner doesn't kill that mealy-mouth shit, I'll hunt him down like the little whiny bitch that he is.
Fox: Harsh words from both parties. But coming up now, we bring you live action from the deathmatch ring here in Texas as Max Payne faces Nick Kang from his recently released game True Crime: Streets Of L.A. How do you see this one going, Snake?
Snake: Both guys have a lot of firepower and that could come into play. In a one on one I'd go for Nick. However, I fancy Payne's Ingrams over Kang's flashy kicks any day.
Fox: This one started when the LAPD found out information about the whereabouts of the guy who framed Max. However, at Nick Kang's request this information was not released to the NYPD, Payne's police branch. So, in typical Max Payne style to prove once and for all that he is innocent of murder Max intends to beat the information out of Kang and then murder him.
Snake: Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
Fox: And we're receiving word from Mills Lane that both men are inside the ring, so let's head down there.
(Cut to Max Payne, Nick Kang and Mills Lane in the ring)
Mills: Now, I want a nice clean fight which is gonna finish when one of you pigs is lying face down dead, possibly separated from his other limbs and/or genitals. Any questions?
Kang: Yeah, I gotta question for that pussy over there. What is with that jacket? All right, we all like shag carpeting but you don't have to wear it under your trench coat for Christ's sake.
Payne: You got some mouth, Kang. But that's all you got. I did the bullet time first, and your whole game is a rip off of GTA with child locks. So I'm thinking you're as poor as your game to have to rip everyone off like that.
Kang: Poor, huh? Had a look at my car recently? You'd have to bring about world peace just to get on the waiting list for that baby.
Payne: Oh yeah, I liked your car. I liked it so much that I brought the car door with me.
(Payne produces a shiny red car door from under his jacket)
Fox: How does he fit that in his coat?
Snake: That's nothing. I can fit an anti-aircraft gun in my stealth tights.
Payne: But what were you thinking of when you chose red? Don't worry, I've spray painted it a colour that is a bit more you.
(Payne pulls out a pink aerosol can and sprays it in Kang's eyes.
Kang: Arghh! You bastard!
Payne: And I know you've always wanted a compact, so when I've finished kicking your ass I'll take it to the junkyard for ya. They've got some pretty good hydraulics down there.
(Payne smacks Kang with the car door and sticks his head through the window. He then presses the window-up button. The glass moves up, cutting through Kang's neck.)
Payne: How's that for pane? Geddit, Max Payne? Window pane? Lots of pain!
(Payne pulls the car door forwards, almost tearing Kang's head off.)
Kang: Urrghh -
Payne: Now, Ingrams or Uzis?
(Kang jumps up and spit kicks Payne to the ground. They then leap towards each other and catch each other in mid air. They knock the arena camera, which spins around them a la Neo and Smith in The Matrix.)
Fox: Another shameless copy.
(Kang high kicks Payne to the floor. He then unleashes a series of spin kicks which catch his opponent hard in the face. Lifting Payne up, he executes a perfect one-inch punch that sends Payne out of the ring.)
Kang: That was for my car, bitch.
(Payne lands hard on his neck. His right shoulder is dislocated.)
Fox: Payne is in all kinds of trouble! He's crawling away from the action with Kang hot on his heels.
Snake: Get up, Max!
(As Kang tries to lift Payne to his feet, Max kicks him hard in the groin.)
Kang: Argh! My groin!
Payne: Have some!
(Payne pulls from his coat twin Ingrams as Kang grabs his Uzis. Both men spin around each other firing. The camera, still damaged, is receiving treatment from deathmatch technicians. It slows down the action.)
Fox: Our fighters now bringing the heavy weaponry into the brawl!
Snake: It's just like watching the Wachowskis. I smell a lawsuit.
(The front row empties as Payne and Kang continue firing. Both are experiencing heavy puncture wounds.)
Kang: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow -
Payne: Ooh arr ee ow oh argh ee ooh ow oy arw ag -
(Both men land on their sides. Kang is out of bullets)
Fox: Kang's ammunition supplies are running low! He's in real trouble now.
Snake: They've both lost massive amounts of blood, but I think that Nick is worse off.
(Kang rolls inside the ring with Payne in hot pursuit. Payne grabs Kang by the hair, lifts him over his head and smashes his spine backwards over his knee.)
Fox: Perfectly executed Sasquashean Spinal Tap by Payne.
(Kang struggles to his feet as Payne reloads. Kang's legs are vertical but his upper body is bent horizontally backwards.)
Payne: Dodge this.
(Payne fires round after round at Kang. The camera tries to zoom in on Kang but again slows down. The picture is reminiscent of Neo trying to bend out of the way of the agents' bullets in The Matrix. Kang's skin is flayed from his bones.)
Fox: And Nick Kang is dead!
Mills Lane: The winner is Max Payne!
Snake: I've cooled off a little during the break. But if Tanner doesn't kill that mealy-mouth shit, I'll hunt him down like the little whiny bitch that he is.
Fox: Harsh words from both parties. But coming up now, we bring you live action from the deathmatch ring here in Texas as Max Payne faces Nick Kang from his recently released game True Crime: Streets Of L.A. How do you see this one going, Snake?
Snake: Both guys have a lot of firepower and that could come into play. In a one on one I'd go for Nick. However, I fancy Payne's Ingrams over Kang's flashy kicks any day.
Fox: This one started when the LAPD found out information about the whereabouts of the guy who framed Max. However, at Nick Kang's request this information was not released to the NYPD, Payne's police branch. So, in typical Max Payne style to prove once and for all that he is innocent of murder Max intends to beat the information out of Kang and then murder him.
Snake: Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
Fox: And we're receiving word from Mills Lane that both men are inside the ring, so let's head down there.
(Cut to Max Payne, Nick Kang and Mills Lane in the ring)
Mills: Now, I want a nice clean fight which is gonna finish when one of you pigs is lying face down dead, possibly separated from his other limbs and/or genitals. Any questions?
Kang: Yeah, I gotta question for that pussy over there. What is with that jacket? All right, we all like shag carpeting but you don't have to wear it under your trench coat for Christ's sake.
Payne: You got some mouth, Kang. But that's all you got. I did the bullet time first, and your whole game is a rip off of GTA with child locks. So I'm thinking you're as poor as your game to have to rip everyone off like that.
Kang: Poor, huh? Had a look at my car recently? You'd have to bring about world peace just to get on the waiting list for that baby.
Payne: Oh yeah, I liked your car. I liked it so much that I brought the car door with me.
(Payne produces a shiny red car door from under his jacket)
Fox: How does he fit that in his coat?
Snake: That's nothing. I can fit an anti-aircraft gun in my stealth tights.
Payne: But what were you thinking of when you chose red? Don't worry, I've spray painted it a colour that is a bit more you.
(Payne pulls out a pink aerosol can and sprays it in Kang's eyes.
Kang: Arghh! You bastard!
Payne: And I know you've always wanted a compact, so when I've finished kicking your ass I'll take it to the junkyard for ya. They've got some pretty good hydraulics down there.
(Payne smacks Kang with the car door and sticks his head through the window. He then presses the window-up button. The glass moves up, cutting through Kang's neck.)
Payne: How's that for pane? Geddit, Max Payne? Window pane? Lots of pain!
(Payne pulls the car door forwards, almost tearing Kang's head off.)
Kang: Urrghh -
Payne: Now, Ingrams or Uzis?
(Kang jumps up and spit kicks Payne to the ground. They then leap towards each other and catch each other in mid air. They knock the arena camera, which spins around them a la Neo and Smith in The Matrix.)
Fox: Another shameless copy.
(Kang high kicks Payne to the floor. He then unleashes a series of spin kicks which catch his opponent hard in the face. Lifting Payne up, he executes a perfect one-inch punch that sends Payne out of the ring.)
Kang: That was for my car, bitch.
(Payne lands hard on his neck. His right shoulder is dislocated.)
Fox: Payne is in all kinds of trouble! He's crawling away from the action with Kang hot on his heels.
Snake: Get up, Max!
(As Kang tries to lift Payne to his feet, Max kicks him hard in the groin.)
Kang: Argh! My groin!
Payne: Have some!
(Payne pulls from his coat twin Ingrams as Kang grabs his Uzis. Both men spin around each other firing. The camera, still damaged, is receiving treatment from deathmatch technicians. It slows down the action.)
Fox: Our fighters now bringing the heavy weaponry into the brawl!
Snake: It's just like watching the Wachowskis. I smell a lawsuit.
(The front row empties as Payne and Kang continue firing. Both are experiencing heavy puncture wounds.)
Kang: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow -
Payne: Ooh arr ee ow oh argh ee ooh ow oy arw ag -
(Both men land on their sides. Kang is out of bullets)
Fox: Kang's ammunition supplies are running low! He's in real trouble now.
Snake: They've both lost massive amounts of blood, but I think that Nick is worse off.
(Kang rolls inside the ring with Payne in hot pursuit. Payne grabs Kang by the hair, lifts him over his head and smashes his spine backwards over his knee.)
Fox: Perfectly executed Sasquashean Spinal Tap by Payne.
(Kang struggles to his feet as Payne reloads. Kang's legs are vertical but his upper body is bent horizontally backwards.)
Payne: Dodge this.
(Payne fires round after round at Kang. The camera tries to zoom in on Kang but again slows down. The picture is reminiscent of Neo trying to bend out of the way of the agents' bullets in The Matrix. Kang's skin is flayed from his bones.)
Fox: And Nick Kang is dead!
Mills Lane: The winner is Max Payne!