Fox: I just can't believe the action that we've been treated to so far.
During the break, a group of lawyers wearing what appeared to be trench
coats took the remnants of Nick Kang's skeleton into a field and set them
ablaze.
Snake: If that weren't enough, they then went after Max Payne, stuffing him in a black burlap bag and dragging him into a paddy wagon waiting outside.
Fox: Hopefully Max will be able to get his way out of prison diplomatically rather than his usual, more deadly method.
Fox: Still to come we've got Legolas vs Link and Tanner vs Tommy, so don't think you've missed out if you skipped a few chapters.
Snake: Huh, yeah, skip away.
Fox: But coming up next, we take an exclusive look behind the scenes of Deathmatch: The Musical! Staring Hugh Jackman as Snake and Gwyneth Paltrow as Raiden.
(Theme song from Titanic plays as the tanker sinks. Paltrow and Rose are holding on to the mast)
Paltrow: I think that we should see other people.
(Later, Jackman is seen dancing through a maze singing)
Jackman: Sam, Sam, where are you Sam? Fisher, I'm coming for yooouuu.. Ill find Meryl Cos she's in peril And her dad just won't stop saying mooooooo...
Turk: Moo? What the f-
Campbell: Moo.
(Later still, the curtain is falling as Jackman, Fisher, Master Chief and Samus Aran are bowing. Raiden is rolling around on the floor, holding his groin in pain.)
Paltrow: Ow. My groin.
(Cut back to Snake and Fox)
Fox: Jesus, that was a piece of shit.
Snake: I don't know. Raiden holding his groin at the end kinda turned me on.
Fox: Anyway, back to the action.
Snake: Yeah, as our combatants make there way down to the ring, we can announce our mystery guest referee.
(Standing in the middle of the ring is a man with a bag over his head)
Fox: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome.. Mr Hugo Weaving!
Snake: Who?
Fox: He played Elrond in The Lord Of The Rings. Or so he told me. I found him on the street outside.
Snake: Wasn't he in The Matr-
Fox: Shhh!! We're not allowed to say the M word again on this program.
Snake: Oh yeah. Lousy lawsuits.
Hugo: What I want, Mr Legolas, and, of course, Mr Link, is, what I like to call, a nice, clean, fight, so, to, speak.
Legolas: Must you pause like that? This is gonna take forever.
Hugo: Please, Mr Legolas (many changes in tone throughout sentences), allow me, most kindly, to spe-ak..
Link: Sod this. (Fires arrow at Legolas)
Legolas: Ow, bitch! (pulls arrow out of his arm and fires it back at Link. It pierces his leg.)
Link: Owee! That really hurts!
Hugo:...like you, apparently, free. Which, of course, is the very reason, why..
Legolas: How do you like that? Huh?
Link: Wait, I have the mighty masks of Majora! Chew on this sucker!
(Link puts on a mask that appears in his hand out of no-where. He transforms into what appears to be some kind of small shrubbery.)
Legolas: You've got to be kidding.
(Legolas walks up to the shrubbery and starts kicking it repeatedly.)
Shrubbery: Ow, quit it! Ouch! Ow! Oooh, that's quite nice. Ouch!
(Shrubbery removes mask. Link is sitting down bruised.)
Legolas: Get up, Pussywipe.
Link: I'll show you whose the pussywipe, Pussywipe.
Legolas: What did you call me?
Link: I called you a pussywipe, Pussywipe.
Legolas: Stop that.
Link: Stop what, Pussywipe?
Legolas: Stop calling me a pussywipe.
Link: Stop calling you a pussywipe, Pussywipe? Sure, I stop, Pussywipe. Whatever you say, Pussywipe.
Legolas: (crying) STOP IT!
Link: Sorry, Pussywipe. Forgot that you don't like being called pussywipe, Pussywipe.
Legolas: Leave me alone! sob
Hugo: - which takes, me, back to, why, I was given an acting degree. So, in a manner, of speaking -
Link: What's the matter, Pussywipe? Don't you like being called pussywipe?
Legolas: Shut up! I don't need to anymore!
Link: Err. ok.
(Legolas takes advantage of Link's sudden shock, bitch slapping him to the floor)
Link: Argh, bitch!
(Legolas grabs Hugo Weaving, ripping off his eyebrows in mid sentence)
Fox: What the hell is he doing, Snake? This terrible piece of writing has just got really nasty!
Snake: He's just ripped those razor sharp eyebrows right from Agent Smith's head. Kinda reminds me of my army days in the barracks with the lads.
Hugo: - that, in fact, really rea-lly, hurts, me.
Link: What're you doing?
(Legolas then uses Hugo Weaving's eyebrows as twin knifes to chop off Link's arm)
Snake: That's a close shave.
Fox: Something you haven't had in a long time, right buddy? Ha ha.
Snake: Do not talk about the 'do. I'm serious. Don't provoke me.
Link: Noo! Not my right arm! No what am I gonna do on those long lonely nights when Zelda's away?
Legolas: Like I care, wanker.
Link: At least I've got a girlfriend, you hermaphrodite!
Legolas: My doctor says I have the best of both worlds. And you're about to have neither.
(I suppose I really should tell you what happens next, but I'm trying to get this under a PG-13 rating. You can fill in the blanks with your sick and twisted imaginations. Anyone reading this site should have one.)
Fox: Oh my god! That is by far the most perverted nightmarish action I have witnessed in my life.
Snake: That was kinda like The Exorcist, but without a crucifix. We'll probably have their lawyers down on us in a minute.
Fox: I thought..er.. "cutting him short" was bad enough, but then -
Snake: I think he just bled to death.
Fox: Thank God.
Snake: Hot dog! We have a wiener!
Fox: Snake! That is disgusting.
Snake: Look out! He's just thrown it into the stands!
Snake: If that weren't enough, they then went after Max Payne, stuffing him in a black burlap bag and dragging him into a paddy wagon waiting outside.
Fox: Hopefully Max will be able to get his way out of prison diplomatically rather than his usual, more deadly method.
Fox: Still to come we've got Legolas vs Link and Tanner vs Tommy, so don't think you've missed out if you skipped a few chapters.
Snake: Huh, yeah, skip away.
Fox: But coming up next, we take an exclusive look behind the scenes of Deathmatch: The Musical! Staring Hugh Jackman as Snake and Gwyneth Paltrow as Raiden.
(Theme song from Titanic plays as the tanker sinks. Paltrow and Rose are holding on to the mast)
Paltrow: I think that we should see other people.
(Later, Jackman is seen dancing through a maze singing)
Jackman: Sam, Sam, where are you Sam? Fisher, I'm coming for yooouuu.. Ill find Meryl Cos she's in peril And her dad just won't stop saying mooooooo...
Turk: Moo? What the f-
Campbell: Moo.
(Later still, the curtain is falling as Jackman, Fisher, Master Chief and Samus Aran are bowing. Raiden is rolling around on the floor, holding his groin in pain.)
Paltrow: Ow. My groin.
(Cut back to Snake and Fox)
Fox: Jesus, that was a piece of shit.
Snake: I don't know. Raiden holding his groin at the end kinda turned me on.
Fox: Anyway, back to the action.
Snake: Yeah, as our combatants make there way down to the ring, we can announce our mystery guest referee.
(Standing in the middle of the ring is a man with a bag over his head)
Fox: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome.. Mr Hugo Weaving!
Snake: Who?
Fox: He played Elrond in The Lord Of The Rings. Or so he told me. I found him on the street outside.
Snake: Wasn't he in The Matr-
Fox: Shhh!! We're not allowed to say the M word again on this program.
Snake: Oh yeah. Lousy lawsuits.
Hugo: What I want, Mr Legolas, and, of course, Mr Link, is, what I like to call, a nice, clean, fight, so, to, speak.
Legolas: Must you pause like that? This is gonna take forever.
Hugo: Please, Mr Legolas (many changes in tone throughout sentences), allow me, most kindly, to spe-ak..
Link: Sod this. (Fires arrow at Legolas)
Legolas: Ow, bitch! (pulls arrow out of his arm and fires it back at Link. It pierces his leg.)
Link: Owee! That really hurts!
Hugo:...like you, apparently, free. Which, of course, is the very reason, why..
Legolas: How do you like that? Huh?
Link: Wait, I have the mighty masks of Majora! Chew on this sucker!
(Link puts on a mask that appears in his hand out of no-where. He transforms into what appears to be some kind of small shrubbery.)
Legolas: You've got to be kidding.
(Legolas walks up to the shrubbery and starts kicking it repeatedly.)
Shrubbery: Ow, quit it! Ouch! Ow! Oooh, that's quite nice. Ouch!
(Shrubbery removes mask. Link is sitting down bruised.)
Legolas: Get up, Pussywipe.
Link: I'll show you whose the pussywipe, Pussywipe.
Legolas: What did you call me?
Link: I called you a pussywipe, Pussywipe.
Legolas: Stop that.
Link: Stop what, Pussywipe?
Legolas: Stop calling me a pussywipe.
Link: Stop calling you a pussywipe, Pussywipe? Sure, I stop, Pussywipe. Whatever you say, Pussywipe.
Legolas: (crying) STOP IT!
Link: Sorry, Pussywipe. Forgot that you don't like being called pussywipe, Pussywipe.
Legolas: Leave me alone! sob
Hugo: - which takes, me, back to, why, I was given an acting degree. So, in a manner, of speaking -
Link: What's the matter, Pussywipe? Don't you like being called pussywipe?
Legolas: Shut up! I don't need to anymore!
Link: Err. ok.
(Legolas takes advantage of Link's sudden shock, bitch slapping him to the floor)
Link: Argh, bitch!
(Legolas grabs Hugo Weaving, ripping off his eyebrows in mid sentence)
Fox: What the hell is he doing, Snake? This terrible piece of writing has just got really nasty!
Snake: He's just ripped those razor sharp eyebrows right from Agent Smith's head. Kinda reminds me of my army days in the barracks with the lads.
Hugo: - that, in fact, really rea-lly, hurts, me.
Link: What're you doing?
(Legolas then uses Hugo Weaving's eyebrows as twin knifes to chop off Link's arm)
Snake: That's a close shave.
Fox: Something you haven't had in a long time, right buddy? Ha ha.
Snake: Do not talk about the 'do. I'm serious. Don't provoke me.
Link: Noo! Not my right arm! No what am I gonna do on those long lonely nights when Zelda's away?
Legolas: Like I care, wanker.
Link: At least I've got a girlfriend, you hermaphrodite!
Legolas: My doctor says I have the best of both worlds. And you're about to have neither.
(I suppose I really should tell you what happens next, but I'm trying to get this under a PG-13 rating. You can fill in the blanks with your sick and twisted imaginations. Anyone reading this site should have one.)
Fox: Oh my god! That is by far the most perverted nightmarish action I have witnessed in my life.
Snake: That was kinda like The Exorcist, but without a crucifix. We'll probably have their lawyers down on us in a minute.
Fox: I thought..er.. "cutting him short" was bad enough, but then -
Snake: I think he just bled to death.
Fox: Thank God.
Snake: Hot dog! We have a wiener!
Fox: Snake! That is disgusting.
Snake: Look out! He's just thrown it into the stands!