There And Back Again.

AN: *sigh* Finally I am back to working on my fanfics. It's winter break. (or it was when I FIRST started wrote this AN… since then two weeks have passed), so I should have tons of time, but it doesn't feel like I do :P Well at least I didn't get bazillions of pages of homework. I've already finished the third chapter, so that should be up soon, I just have to post it.

This was it. She had to knock on the door. One knock and she would see a person who could link her back to her past. Taking a deep breath she prepared herself to knock, she raised her fist to the wood several times before she could bring her self to touch the door. Such a trivial thing seemed so important at that moment.

She waited for the door to be answered, dozens of thoughts sifting through her head. A few moments later Ross appeared in the doorway. He was shocked to say the very least. He hugged her hard and held on tightly not wanting to let go.

"Is it really you?" he asked, wanting to confirm she was actually there.

"Yeah, it's me."

Suddenly Ross' mood changed from thrilled to annoyed, "Four years! I haven't seen you in four damn years! Where the hell were you?" He asked holding her at arms length and looking carefully into her eyes, which appeared very child-like and blue at the moment.

"Ross! I know it's been four years! But I've been miserable. I can't live without you guys! I need you, I need Rachel, I need Phoebe, I need Joey, and I need Chandler so much! I hate my life now! I'm alone! I know I left and I know it was my choice to leave, but it was wrong. I was too embarrassed to come back. But I realized I needed to 'cause I couldn't go on like I was. I was miserable, I lied to myself thinking I could be without any of you. Please let me come back."

"Okay." he answered simply, she looked so helpless at that second, he felt a lump gather in his throat, "C'mon in Monica." Ross led Monica into his apartment; she half-smiled wistfully remembering things that had happened here in the past. Ugly naked guy used to live here... We always used to watch him, and laugh.. she thought. Phoebe and Rachel knew Chandler and I were dating when she saw us from here...

Monica sadly walked into the apartment slightly surprised when she saw Phoebe seated on the couch. "Hello Monica. Glad you decided to join us, after four years we thought you had forgotten about us." She greeted coldly. Monica looked at her former friend, amazed at the extreme change in her appearance and attitude. She wasn't ditzy and confused and no longer wore her gaudy 'Phoebe' outfits. Her hair was shorter and more practical. She looked nothing like the Phoebe Monica knew. Then she realized something. Phoebe had grown-up. Monica felt a sudden pang of jealousy, wishing she could feel like she had matured through her experience. Right now, she just felt childish and immature for leaving in the first place.

"Wow, Phoebe you look different! You look mature!" Monica smiled, when Phoebe didn't return the gesture, Monica's grin faded. She looked at the floor dejectedly.

"Thank you Monica." Phoebe answered stiffly, continuing to stare at Monica icily, "Why?" One simple word, one simple question. Yet she had no answer, at least not one that would make sense to her friends.

"I – I don't know – I guess – I guess I was scared. I went through a tough spot in my relationship with Chandler. I was too scared to fully giving him my heart and trust. I was scared of being loved. I was too scared to let him love me. But – But I'm - I'm not anymore." Phoebe relaxed slightly once given the answer; even if wasn't the one she wanted to hear.

"You left 'cause you were scared?" she scoffed.

"So, you want a drink?" Ross interrupted attempting to stop the hostility between Phoebe and Monica. Phoebe offered to help Ross get the drinks, in the kitchen.

"Yeah I'll have a coke. Diet please." As soon as they'd left and the door to the kitchen was closed, Monica dashed towards the window. She put her hands against the glass, blocking the glare from the lights in the apartment attempting to see into the apartment across the way. Luckily the curtains were opened. There he was. Chandler. Monica smiled; he looked just as gorgeous as ever, maybe even better than before. Age definitely suited him. The extra four years made him appear more mature, just like Phoebe he had grown up. For the first time Monica noticed Rachel was with Chandler and they were sitting together, snuggled under a blanket, they appeared to be watching TV. Suddenly they burst out laughing, snuggling into one another and talking. Monica felt a sharp twinge of jealousy. He wasn't supposed to be laughing with her best friend. He wasn't supposed to be laughing at all! He was supposed to be miserable, as she had been. He was supposed to cry himself to sleep ever night, 'cause he missed her so much. He was supposed to welcome her back into him arms when she came back. He was supposed to tell her that he had never stopped loving her and he would love her forever. But now she wasn't so sure that is how it was going to be. He seemed happy, too happy.

Monica heard Ross and Phoebe approaching with the drinks, so she raced back to the couch trying to appear innocent. She didn't want them to know she had been spying on Chandler.

"Thanks," she said absentmindedly when Ross handed her the soda; her mind was elsewhere.

"So-" Ross attempted conversation, trying to fill the awkward silence, "Y'know we all missed you when you left. Joey was well Joey, he was upset, he missed you, but he was more upset about – um – his best friend. Rachel was hurt; she took your leaving to be her fault. She never really got over that. I think she still feels guilty. But it's hidden under her anger, she tried to hate you to make it hurt less. But she does love you, you were like one of her sisters. I think she felt horrible that after– um – y'know moved in you felt left out of everything she and Phoebe were doing." Ross babbled, cautiously avoiding Chandler's name and any other information about him. He gulped. And Phoebe who was sitting beside him patted his shoulder reassuringly.

Monica sighed. "Ross I'm not going to cry if you say his name. And Chandler what happened to him?"

This time Phoebe spoke. "Monica" Phoebe said sternly, her icy mood thawing only slightly, "You have no idea what you did to him when you left. He was a mess. It was pitiful. He cried for months. He refused to leave his apartment, for nearly 6 months. He refused to sleep in the room you and him used to share. He was barely what you would call living. You hurt him so badly. He loved you so much." Monica managed to keep the tears from escaping. Past tense. Loved. He loved you so much. Not he loves you so much. Monica forced away the negative thoughts, that didn't necessarily mean anything, she was blowing this out of proportion.

"Phoebe, Ross, you don't know how sorry I am! You, Rachel, Joey and Chandler are my family! San Francisco is dreadful! Horrible! I have no one! No friends, no anyone. I – I came back because I realized something I should have known all along. I love Chandler." Monica exclaimed exasperated.

"Whose fault is that, Monica? You chose to leave." Phoebe interjected venomously, her icy tone returning, "You can't just saunter back in there and screw up his life on whim! He's happy now! He has a life again! It took us months to get him over you, nearly a year. He hated himself for months after you left. He was convinced it was his fault you left. He loved you to damn much to even consider it was your fault! If you ever hurt him like that again, I swear I will hurt you. He didn't deserve the crap you gave him. If you love him, you will leave him alone. He's happy now." Monica was shocked when she realized how protective Phoebe was of Chandler.

"Phoebe's right Monica." Ross added, "You can't break his heart again. I don't think he could take it. He only really trusts Rachel. She's the one who made him realize he needed to move on, and she's helped him through everything. He's scared to death of being hurt again. He and Rachel became so close when you left. They took the impact of you leaving the hardest, both of them. They only really relied on one another to get through everything. If truth be told I think Chandler is the only person Rachel really trusts and vise-versa. They are both scared to death they are going to lose one another. You have no idea what your leaving did to the group. We tried to hold the group together but we couldn't. It was just slipping out of grasp too quickly. Joey barely ever saw us for the first year after you left. He started seeing us less and less, cause he could stand seeing Chandler so messed up. Rachel and Chandler were always together, crying over you, feeling sorry for themselves, too miserable to care. That left Phoebe and I. We started dating nearly a year ago. Everything has changed. People have changed. You have changed." Ross explained sternly.

"Does Chandler have a girlfriend?" Monica asked suddenly, desperately hoping for a negative answer.

"Well, not exactly." Phoebe answered, looking at Ross silently asking what she should answer.

"Do I know her?"

"It's not our place to say." Ross responded casually and Phoebe nodded, "You should ask him yourself. You can talk to him tomorrow. For tonight you can stay in our spare room. It's late."

"Our?"

"Yes." Phoebe replied her stiff attitude had returned, although not as heavily as before, "I live here too."

"Oh." Monica said, genuinely surprised, she had never imagined Phoebe and Ross getting along as a couple, much less steadily dating for a year and living together. They were just too different, but like Ross had said things had changed in the four years since she had seen them last. "I'll stay here for tonight, I guess, but I have to see him tomorrow, he has to know I love him! Maybe he still loves me too!"

Ross contemplated everything she said for a moment. He bit his lip and said, "We'll talk more tomorrow it's late. Nearly midnight. Just think over what you said. Are you being fair to him? Mon, it's been four years. If you tell him you love him what do you expect him to say? You don't seem to understand. He doesn't need you anymore. He's moved on." Ross stated angrily, "Just sleep and think about it." His voice softened and he pointed in the direction of the room she would be staying in.

Monica wandered in the direction of her room, while Phoebe and Ross left for their bedroom, hand in hand. Monica smiled wistfully. She missed that. It had been a long time since she had held anyone's hand. The last person she had held hands with was Chandler. She forced herself not to walk in the opposite direction, where the window was located. She told herself she really didn't want to see him laughing, especially if she couldn't be there with him. She shut her bedroom door, wondering what the next day's events would hold.

TBC…

AN: There's the end of the first real chapter and the next one is on it's way..