The Heart Of The Matter

AN: I'm sorry about the long delay for this chapter, I know it's been over two months but I didn't feel inspired to write much of anything, so I figured it better to wait than to post something I know belongs in the trash. I maintain that this story is not for Die-hard Chandler and Monica fans, if you can't stand them not being together, simply don't read this. Read and enjoy:)

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Monica sobbed silently into Rachel's shoulder as they embraced tightly. She hadn't felt this close to anybody on an emotional level in over four years. She soaked in the comforting feeling of knowing she wasn't alone and that other people; people she knew and understood had felt the same way. She held onto Rachel tightly not wanting to break the hug, knowing that when she did Rachel would expect answers. Answers that she was ashamed of; answers that she knew would show how much better Rachel handled emotional duress. It would just be another reason to add to the never-ending list of reasons why Rachel was better for Chandler than herself. Monica knew it was useless trying to prevent Rachel from asking, no matter how long she had to wait, Rachel would eventually discover the truth and how cowardly Monica had been. So slowly, carefully she pulled away from Rachel; only partially prepared to face the questions that would undoubtedly be asked.

Monica could feel Rachel's bright blue gaze –so much like Chandler's– boring into the top of her head as she stared at her shoes in a weak attempt to avoid eye contact and facing the truth. Monica twisted her hands in lap and held her breath waiting for Rachel's voice to break the silence.

Without raising her head Monica saw Rachel open her mouth to say something, then changing her mind, she closed it again and sighed. Why was this so hard? Why couldn't they talk to each other? They had been best friends. They could tell each other anything. Had they really changed that much?

Monica's head snapped up in surprise when Rachel's soft voice broke the quiet, "Mon..." It wasn't so much a statement as a question. When Monica showed no signs of having heard her, Rachel tried again a little louder, "Monica?" Still no response.

"You want to talk about it?" Rachel asked calmly trying not to act as frustrated and anxious as she felt.

Knowing it was time for her to stop dodging the questions she knew were coming, Monica responded her tone half-way defiant, "Yeah." As soon as the word was out of her mouth Monica felt her stomach un-twist out of the knots the she had unknowingly tied it into, this was nearly as difficult as she had expected it to be. She could do this. It was a simple conversation.

"What happened? Why'd you leave? When did you miscarry?" The questions tumbled out on Rachel's mouth all at once. She half-smiled embarrassed at her own impatient-ness.

Monica eyed Rachel's feet nervously, still too anxious to look into her face, "It – I guess it all started when I got pregnant." Rachel nodded her head trying to look sympathetic but not pitying, which proved much harder than she thought. "I – I found out I was pregnant when I was about two months into the pregnancy an – and I was – I was terrified. I didn't want a child, I – I wasn't ready for a baby right then, y'know? But I didn't want to have to kill it either. I was just so conflicted in my thoughts and emotions; I made stupid assumptions, about Ch-Chandler mostly. I was petrified, I mean really terrified he'd be angry with me, or worse, tell me to get an abortion or leave..." Monica paused, momentarily regarding the shocked look on Rachel's face, "So I decided I'd leave before he had a chance to tell me to. I figured I'd never tell him I was pregnant and just – just leave, an-and-" by this point silent tears were dripping down Monica's face causing her choke to on her words.

Using the pause Monica had created, Rachel interrupted before she could continue, "Monica I can't honestly say I know how you felt, but sweetie, Chandler would never ever have done that, he loved you, he loved you so much, he still does on many levels, I know he loves me and wants to marry me, but you hold that special place in his heart, you know what I mean? You were the first woman he seriously saw his future with, the first person he actually pictured himself marrying, I know he loved Kathy and maybe even Janice before you, but not in the same way. Trust me when I tell you he wouldn't have hurt you."

"You don't think I know that Rachel? Not telling him I was pregnant was the stupidest thing I have ever done. For four years, I tried to convince myself that it was his fault I was alone and miserable. That it was his fault our child was dead. I used that as an excuse to not see him for four years. All that time, I knew I still loved him, but I couldn't forgive him, for something I had done; something that was my fault; something he knew nothing about. How horrible does that make me? It took me four damn years realize it was my own fault and that there was nothing Chandler could've done to prevent my miscarriage, because he didn't even know I was pregnant in the first place. Do you know how completely stupid that made me feel? Four years and I still can't come back and face him, to tell him the truth. I'll start to tell him but then stop again because it's just too hard to say the words, I can't. I can't hurt him again. I hate that look he gets in his eyes when he's hurt. I can't stand being the one who makes him look like that. It breaks me, the way his eyes get all vulnerable looking, and show the obvious pain he's feeling but he's trying to hide it 'cause he doesn't want me to feel bad, and that only makes me feel worse for hurting him in the first place."

"I know exactly what you mean Hon, that's why I can never stand to stay mad at him long, I hate the hurt look too. C'mere." Rachel offered, extending her arms. Monica hugged her, feeling slightly better, and relived that Rachel understood.

"How come I can't talk to him, I want him to know the truth." Monica whispered, frustrated.

"Monica, I can't claim to say I understand how that felt, but-"

"Of course you couldn't!" Monica interrupted in a soft voice, "You did everything right. You stayed in New York. You told everyone you loved you were pregnant. You had them there to support and love you; to tell you in wasn't you fault when you suffered your miscarriage. You had Phoebe, Joey, Ross and – and Chandler. I had no one." Monica sniffed, placing her head in her hands, feeling more than a little sorry for herself.

"Monica you chose to have it that way. You seriously don't know how it feels to have your child not wanted. When I got pregnant the first time, by Steve, he told me he wanted nothing to do with our child or me and it was my own fault I was pregnant. You may think you were worse off, but you've never heard the father of your child tell you that he wants nothing to do with his own child, with your child. It just hurt so much, Monica. Unbelievable pain. I was just – just numb, I didn't think that anyone human, let alone a man I thought I was in love with could feel that way. I just stopped caring, by the time I realized I was being stupid, it was too late, I'd already miscarried." Rachel told Monica calmly.

"My God, my God. I'm so sorry. I don't mean that you couldn't have felt the same hurt I did" Monica sobbed, "I'm trying to understand I really am."

"Mon, I'm just trying to say, we all have a choice sometimes we make the wrong ones. I made a wrong choice with Steve and you made a wrong choice when you left Chandler. But those mistakes don't last forever, you still have a choice to be happy, you know."

Monica bit her lip feeling irritated with Rachel. How did she know everything would be all right? Nothing would ever be all right again in Monica's world. Chandler loved Rachel and there was nothing she could do to change that.

Rachel didn't notice Monica's change in demeanour and continued anyway, "When you left Chandler was worried out of his mind, and you let him believe it was his fault you left, you gave no explanation, how do you seriously think he felt? The woman he loves and is about to propose to up and leaves for no reason? You think he blamed himself? Of course he did! Not once, not once did he try to blame you!"

"He- he what?" Monica stuttered, completely forgetting her earlier thoughts.

"What did you think he would blame you?" Rachel asked sarcastically, "Are you kidding? You were damn close to perfect in his eyes, you could do no wron-"

"No, no, no, no, no. He was going to propose to me?" Monica breathed, slumping into her chair feeling ten-times worse than when this conversation had begun, "And I left."

When Rachel regarded her question with a solemn nod, Monica gasped, "You better not be joking, because this is very, very not funny. He was really, really going to propose to me?"

"Yes he was." Monica and Rachel jumped in their seats, turning towards the voice. Monica ran a hand quickly across her face, wiping away the tearstains smudged on her face. She looked sadly up at Chandler, who had entered the apartment carrying Monica's luggage without either of the girls noticing. A million thoughts soared through her brain, not one of them making it to her mouth. All she could do was look at him helplessly wondering why he had ever loved her, she had done nothing but cause him hurt and heartache.

AN: The next chapter will most likely be second from last in this series, it probably won't take me another two months to get the next chapter up, but don't hold me to my word…