Whole Again:
-If you see me walking down the street
Staring at the sky, dragging my two feet
You just pass me by, it still makes me cry
But you can make me whole again-
I dialed the seven numbers that had always gotten me into so much trouble in the past. It rang, oh God, what am I thinking? It rang again, why do I always put myself through this?
"Hello?" What the hell am I doing?
"Frasier? When someone answers the phone, it's only polite to respond with a simple 'hello.' Asking what you're doing implies that you really don't wish to speak to the person recieving the call."
"Dear God! Did I say that aloud?"
"Although it is some comfort that your aim wasn't to insult me, I still am offended that was your thought."
"Lilith. Please." I was exasperated and I guessed she could tell because her voice softened.
"I'm sorry Frasier. Why did you call?"
"It's been a little while. Would it be terrible to say I just called to hear your voice?" She was silent. Oh my God, I've said the wrong thing. I've ruined everything we've worked so hard to build these past few years.
"Lilith, I-"
"Frasier. Can I bring Freddie to visit you. And stay for a while?"
Well, I hadn't expected that.
"Sure." What am I saying? "When? For how long?"
I heard a long, shrill whistle and guessed she'd made tea. I smiled, remembering Rebecca's Tea Room and how she'd managed to insult Lilith numorous times in the minute or two we were there.
"Um. Would next week be too soon? I hate to rush, but it's all I have free for two months. Would the whole week be ok? Frederick doesn't have school..."
"Sure. That works out perfectly." I knew if we put it off too long, one of us would back out, and I really wanted to see her again.
"Good. Well, I have to go deal with your son. He's broken curfew again. See you in a week?"
"Yeah, buh-bye." Couldn't I think of something more clever to say? And why wasn't I more concerned about Frederick?
She laughed, probably thinking the same thing. "Good-bye Frasier. I love you." The last part was whispered, most likely to keep "my" son from hearing her.
"I love you too."
* * *
-If you see me with another guy, laughing and joking
Trying to get by
I won't put you down
'Cos I want you around, you can make me whole again-
I poured myself a cup of tea and sat down, waiting for Frederick to attempt to pass the kitchen. He was so rebellious. Everytime I thought that, somewhere in the back of my head, I heard someone say- but so were you.
Frasier. He was the man my mother approved of the least. During the last year of our marriage, I'd tried to convince myself that that was the one thing that had attracted me to him.
But it wasn't. I knew that even then. I'd just needed a way to justify what I was about to do to him, and - at the time - that seemed as good as any.
Louis. Another example of my rebellion, and probably the best. He was, after all, crazy. He'd had to be, threatening to kill us all. Not that I could blame him, after what I'd done.
And finally, Brian. Not rebellion persay, but a feeble attempt to hide what I really felt. I knew that he was gay. So he was safe. I just didn't allow myself to fall in love with him. Not like I ever could have.
I took a sip of tea, forcing myself back into the present, as Frederick tried to sneak past the kitchen, and me.
I cleared my throat. He stopped walking.
"Mom?" He asked, half whispering.
"Frederick Crane. You are two hours late. What could you possible be doing to keep you out until one in the morning?"
"Mom!"
"Frederick, please." I said, using the same tone Frasier had only minutes before. And, like me, Frederick decided it was time to cooperate.
"Mom. I'm sorry, I really am-"
"About going out. Or getting caught?"
"Mom. Please." This was getting ridiculous. But, I decided to allow him to speak. "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you where I was or what I was doing. Not yet anyway."
He was talking faster and faster. Obviously afraid I'd interupt.
"I know I haven't given you much reason to trust me lately, but I just can't tell you."
I thought for a moment. "You're right. You haven't given me much reason to trust you, but you sound sincere and I doubt anything I say or do will make you change your mind." He gave me a kiss on the cheek. "You're like your father that way. Speaking of which, we're going to visit him next week."
"Um. I'm gonna go to bed."
"You must need to think. We'll talk in the morning. Good-night."
"Night Mom."
* * *
-Looking back on when we first met
I cannot escape and I cannot forget
Baby you're the one, you can do no wrong
You can make me whole again
I woke up early the next morning. I was tired, but I figured I should tell Dad, Daphne and Niles about our visitors as soon as possible.
"Dad. I have something to tell you that you won't be pleased to hear, so-" We were in the living room, Dad in his chair, me pacing behind him.
"Frasier, just hurry up. The game's on in a minute and I don't want to miss any of it."
"Right. Game. Well, Frederick's coming to visit next week-"
"Great! We haven't seen him since Christmas. I hape he's gotten over that whole 'goth' thing. He reminded me a little of Lilith, with that eye stuff."
"Funny you should say that-"
"Uh uh! No! Frasier you can not let Lilith enter this apartment!" He got up and started towards the door.
"Dad, it's just for a week!" I shouted out the door after him.
Well, at least that part was over.
Five minutes later the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Frasier, you don't really expect to let Lilith in Seattle, do you?"
"Niles, I asked her to come!"
"But you know how Daphne gets!"
"Yes, I will admit that Lilith's visits have in fact coinside with some of Daphne's headaches. But that's in the past, not to mention completely coincidental."
"But Lilith scares me!"
"Oh grow up Niles!" I hung up the phone. I knew it was rude, but there's only so much of him a person can take, and my nerves were short that day.
The phone rang. Of course.
I grabbed a coat and left the apartment to take a long walk.
* * *
-Time is layin' heavy on my heart
Seems I've got too much of it since we've been apart
My friends make me smile
If only for a while you can make me whole again
Freddie was finally happy about the trip to Seattle, but still hadn't shared his secret with me. I was getting worried. But, I did trust him, whether there was reason to or not.
Well, as we were getting off the plane, his eyes brightened and he smiled, but it was the first sign he'd showed of any excitement. But, from my talks with Frasier, he was making more progress the Martin, Niles and Daphne combined. Which is how I liked it.
Suddenly Frederick turned to me, smile replaced with concern. "Mom, what are we doing here? Is this really about me?"
"I don't know, and I wish I did."
"You don't know to which question?"
"Both."
-Looking back on when we first met-
My heart was beating faster and faster as the elevator slowly climbed.
-I cannot escape and I cannot forget-
Frederick knew something was going on, but kept quiet for my sake.
-Baby you're the one, you can do no wrong-
I knew it was because I was trusting him with whatever foolishness he'd gotten himself into.
-You can make me whole again-
The elevator doors opened and I walked to his door. Paused for a moment. And knocked.
-So now I'll have to wait
But baby if you change your mind
Don't be too late
'Cos I just can't go on
It's already been too long
But you can make me whole again-
"Frasier."
"Hi."
"Dad!" Frederick ran over and hugged Frasier. At that moment I knew that I'd been right in trusting Freddie. I'd been right in coming. I still didn't know why I was there, but I did know that everything would be fine.
-Oh baby you're the one, you can do no wrong
You can make me whole again-
-If you see me walking down the street
Staring at the sky, dragging my two feet
You just pass me by, it still makes me cry
But you can make me whole again-
I dialed the seven numbers that had always gotten me into so much trouble in the past. It rang, oh God, what am I thinking? It rang again, why do I always put myself through this?
"Hello?" What the hell am I doing?
"Frasier? When someone answers the phone, it's only polite to respond with a simple 'hello.' Asking what you're doing implies that you really don't wish to speak to the person recieving the call."
"Dear God! Did I say that aloud?"
"Although it is some comfort that your aim wasn't to insult me, I still am offended that was your thought."
"Lilith. Please." I was exasperated and I guessed she could tell because her voice softened.
"I'm sorry Frasier. Why did you call?"
"It's been a little while. Would it be terrible to say I just called to hear your voice?" She was silent. Oh my God, I've said the wrong thing. I've ruined everything we've worked so hard to build these past few years.
"Lilith, I-"
"Frasier. Can I bring Freddie to visit you. And stay for a while?"
Well, I hadn't expected that.
"Sure." What am I saying? "When? For how long?"
I heard a long, shrill whistle and guessed she'd made tea. I smiled, remembering Rebecca's Tea Room and how she'd managed to insult Lilith numorous times in the minute or two we were there.
"Um. Would next week be too soon? I hate to rush, but it's all I have free for two months. Would the whole week be ok? Frederick doesn't have school..."
"Sure. That works out perfectly." I knew if we put it off too long, one of us would back out, and I really wanted to see her again.
"Good. Well, I have to go deal with your son. He's broken curfew again. See you in a week?"
"Yeah, buh-bye." Couldn't I think of something more clever to say? And why wasn't I more concerned about Frederick?
She laughed, probably thinking the same thing. "Good-bye Frasier. I love you." The last part was whispered, most likely to keep "my" son from hearing her.
"I love you too."
* * *
-If you see me with another guy, laughing and joking
Trying to get by
I won't put you down
'Cos I want you around, you can make me whole again-
I poured myself a cup of tea and sat down, waiting for Frederick to attempt to pass the kitchen. He was so rebellious. Everytime I thought that, somewhere in the back of my head, I heard someone say- but so were you.
Frasier. He was the man my mother approved of the least. During the last year of our marriage, I'd tried to convince myself that that was the one thing that had attracted me to him.
But it wasn't. I knew that even then. I'd just needed a way to justify what I was about to do to him, and - at the time - that seemed as good as any.
Louis. Another example of my rebellion, and probably the best. He was, after all, crazy. He'd had to be, threatening to kill us all. Not that I could blame him, after what I'd done.
And finally, Brian. Not rebellion persay, but a feeble attempt to hide what I really felt. I knew that he was gay. So he was safe. I just didn't allow myself to fall in love with him. Not like I ever could have.
I took a sip of tea, forcing myself back into the present, as Frederick tried to sneak past the kitchen, and me.
I cleared my throat. He stopped walking.
"Mom?" He asked, half whispering.
"Frederick Crane. You are two hours late. What could you possible be doing to keep you out until one in the morning?"
"Mom!"
"Frederick, please." I said, using the same tone Frasier had only minutes before. And, like me, Frederick decided it was time to cooperate.
"Mom. I'm sorry, I really am-"
"About going out. Or getting caught?"
"Mom. Please." This was getting ridiculous. But, I decided to allow him to speak. "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you where I was or what I was doing. Not yet anyway."
He was talking faster and faster. Obviously afraid I'd interupt.
"I know I haven't given you much reason to trust me lately, but I just can't tell you."
I thought for a moment. "You're right. You haven't given me much reason to trust you, but you sound sincere and I doubt anything I say or do will make you change your mind." He gave me a kiss on the cheek. "You're like your father that way. Speaking of which, we're going to visit him next week."
"Um. I'm gonna go to bed."
"You must need to think. We'll talk in the morning. Good-night."
"Night Mom."
* * *
-Looking back on when we first met
I cannot escape and I cannot forget
Baby you're the one, you can do no wrong
You can make me whole again
I woke up early the next morning. I was tired, but I figured I should tell Dad, Daphne and Niles about our visitors as soon as possible.
"Dad. I have something to tell you that you won't be pleased to hear, so-" We were in the living room, Dad in his chair, me pacing behind him.
"Frasier, just hurry up. The game's on in a minute and I don't want to miss any of it."
"Right. Game. Well, Frederick's coming to visit next week-"
"Great! We haven't seen him since Christmas. I hape he's gotten over that whole 'goth' thing. He reminded me a little of Lilith, with that eye stuff."
"Funny you should say that-"
"Uh uh! No! Frasier you can not let Lilith enter this apartment!" He got up and started towards the door.
"Dad, it's just for a week!" I shouted out the door after him.
Well, at least that part was over.
Five minutes later the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Frasier, you don't really expect to let Lilith in Seattle, do you?"
"Niles, I asked her to come!"
"But you know how Daphne gets!"
"Yes, I will admit that Lilith's visits have in fact coinside with some of Daphne's headaches. But that's in the past, not to mention completely coincidental."
"But Lilith scares me!"
"Oh grow up Niles!" I hung up the phone. I knew it was rude, but there's only so much of him a person can take, and my nerves were short that day.
The phone rang. Of course.
I grabbed a coat and left the apartment to take a long walk.
* * *
-Time is layin' heavy on my heart
Seems I've got too much of it since we've been apart
My friends make me smile
If only for a while you can make me whole again
Freddie was finally happy about the trip to Seattle, but still hadn't shared his secret with me. I was getting worried. But, I did trust him, whether there was reason to or not.
Well, as we were getting off the plane, his eyes brightened and he smiled, but it was the first sign he'd showed of any excitement. But, from my talks with Frasier, he was making more progress the Martin, Niles and Daphne combined. Which is how I liked it.
Suddenly Frederick turned to me, smile replaced with concern. "Mom, what are we doing here? Is this really about me?"
"I don't know, and I wish I did."
"You don't know to which question?"
"Both."
-Looking back on when we first met-
My heart was beating faster and faster as the elevator slowly climbed.
-I cannot escape and I cannot forget-
Frederick knew something was going on, but kept quiet for my sake.
-Baby you're the one, you can do no wrong-
I knew it was because I was trusting him with whatever foolishness he'd gotten himself into.
-You can make me whole again-
The elevator doors opened and I walked to his door. Paused for a moment. And knocked.
-So now I'll have to wait
But baby if you change your mind
Don't be too late
'Cos I just can't go on
It's already been too long
But you can make me whole again-
"Frasier."
"Hi."
"Dad!" Frederick ran over and hugged Frasier. At that moment I knew that I'd been right in trusting Freddie. I'd been right in coming. I still didn't know why I was there, but I did know that everything would be fine.
-Oh baby you're the one, you can do no wrong
You can make me whole again-