Author's Note: This is my second attempt at a Rurouni Kenshin fan fic. I want it to be known that this may be fiction, but it should be taken seriously nevertheless. I'm not used to writing intense stories, but this one is written from the heart, as I have incorporated many of my own thoughts and feelings into this piece.
Summary: This is an AU B/K, K/K fic full of romance, drama, action, adventure, and some humor. There is an ongoing war in Japan. Kaoru, tired of not being able to do anything about it, takes her ailing father's place in joining the army to uphold the family honor. However, only men are allowed to fight, so Kaoru must keep her identity secret, something hard to do when she's on a quest to find who she is inside.
Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or any versions of Mulan, but humor me, just for a little while!
For Honor
Prologue: Reflections
By CrismHeart
October 6, 2003
Who is she, that girl who no one else sees, who hides herself from the rest of the world and remains trapped in the dark abyss of her mind? Who could she be, but me? Even with the excessive amount of white powder on my face and red paint coloring my lips, I could still tell who the girl was.
I sat myself beside the stream, wishing that I could be like the serene waters, ever flowing and forever free, but in my heart, I knew that was not my fate. There were too many responsibilities to be concerned with. Tilting my face ever so slightly, I observed the girl in the water who was staring just as intently back at me with her sapphire eyes. There was something in those eyes that captivated me. Perhaps it was the sorrow and loneliness they exuded, or maybe it was the fact that I knew they belonged to me. All the same, they hypnotized me. I reached out towards the girl as an offer of companionship, only to cause small ripples in the water with my fingers, but they were enough to replace the image with a distorted one.
Sometimes, I feel the need to escape this life I was given, and where to, but the only place I could to be alone: a realm that is not reality, but not quite fantasy either. It's somewhere between the two realms, buried deep within me and yet it just feels so… empty.
"Kaoru!"
My musings were interrupted by the sound of someone calling me back to the life I longed to leave. I turned around to see my father. Although he was not young anymore and was ill, he could still manage to stand as composed as he always had been. However, his calm demeanor did not deceive me. I knew my father was disappointed in me for I had dishonored my family name.
I have been told that I am quite beautiful and for that reason only, was I chosen to be sent to the local matchmaker to audition. Besides, my family had come into a small fortune since my father had served in the army as a high-ranking general during the last war and I was seventeen; most girls my age were already married. I suppose there is veracity in the statement that a person's assets can lead to their downfall, but I am not ready to lose this battle against our society- not yet.
There were many girls even younger than I at the matchmaker's home. I pitied them; they were like me. They tried to fool themselves that they were going to be genuinely happy, but I could see that beneath their cheerful façade was a child scared of what the future would bring.
As can be imagined, my father's vision of the perfect life for me was ruined and all because of my silly notions about love. All the luck in the world would not have been able to help me. I never was especially elegant and refined, but being naturally clumsy and deliberately trying to be, made it quite simple to fail the matchmaker's tests on etiquette. Tae, the matchmaker, had said that I looked like a porcelain doll, but the careless remark sounded so jarringly wrong in my ears. I knew that she had meant for it to be a compliment, but it affected me greatly. Appearances can be misleading, for I am no doll, no puppet to do as I am told, nor am I a fragile object for others to admire.
Try as I could, I could not hold in any of my pent up emotions. For Tae, it was exasperating to see me acting this way. For me, on the other hand, well, I was almost unsuccessful in suppressing my laughter at her horrified reaction. I had purposely spoken my mind in the company of my prospective husband when not spoken to, and then accidentally spilled the searing tea on him. All the while, I kept what little poise I had and tripped gracefully in a fruitless attempt to dab at the spilt liquid on the poor man's shirt. If the situation had been different and Tae had not been one of my dearest friends, I probably would have laughed.
Regardless of my impractical behavior, I do feel guilty. I know that my father wanted what was best for me. He had hoped for me to have a bright future as the wife of a wealthy man with enough money to look after me, but can't he see that I could care less for any of that?! It would be an insult to life itself to proclaim that living was possible without love! My father and mother would tell me that they had an arranged marriage as well, but they had grown to love each other. I know that it's a once in a lifetime occurrence, though. Why can't I fall in love on my own accord?
I know that I must be true to my heart; I am tired of pretending to be anyone else. I have had to cover myself with this blank mask my entire life that I forgotten who I am on the inside. And all the while I search for myself, I am determined to hold onto my childhood dreams: that true love does exists and that in the end, love will prevail…
My father knelt down so that he could see my face more clearly. I suppose there must have been something there that showed how I was feeling at the moment because his grim expression softened. We just remained that way for a few minutes, neither one of us daring to break the silent beauty of nature. The sight of the pale pink and white cherry blossoms was breathtaking. Finally, my father spoke, "We have such beautiful blossoms this year."
I was not entirely sure whether his comment was to himself or to me, so I did not reply.
"Look," my father stood up and he pointed towards one of the sakura blossoms overheard.
I did as he asked, watching him curiously.
"This one is late, but when it blooms I bet it will be the most beautiful of them all."
I smiled as I thought over what he had told me. My heart felt a little lighter, perhaps there was hope after all. My father had always been a wise man. In fact, he often managed to aggravate my mother with the way he would never say exactly what he meant. Even so, I think what he was trying to say was that everything would be all right in time. If only it would turn out to be true…
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Author's Note: Please review, but I would appreciate if you are not quick to judge my limited abilities. Furthermore, I would like to apologize if I made you feel depressed. I normally do not like angst, but I felt it was crucial to begin my tale (but just the beginning, so don't worry). I hope you found that somewhat meaningful.