Disclaimer: Valdemar & concepts belong to Mercedes Lackey, and this story belongs to Senashenta (aka Me. lol.)
Original Characters: Heraldic-Trainee Marin Correy & Companion Amory, Heraldic-Trainee Sumitra "Sumi" Enryck & Companion Dawnwen "Dawn", Herald Tarak Williamsen & Companion Angeni, Heraldic-Trainee Kalonice "Loni" Shilling & Companion Canist, Herald Junas Fingall & Companion Vyvien, Herald-Weapons Mistress Celena Rannalier & Companion Misora, Healer-Herald Emmie Angilas & Companion Idonté, Healer Astral, Bard Gharod, Healer-Trainee Nary, Bardic-Trainee Ruanna, Healer Mayav, Monarch's Own Herald Yitro & Grove Born Companion Gwydion "Dion"...
Notes: HAPPY (belated) MIDWINTER and MERRY (belated) CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! ^_^
Extra Notes: No, Marin and Tarak are/were not lifebonded. That was stated early on in the first half of Midwinter Mirage. And to answer the next question before it's asked—she knew it was he and Angeni who died the same way every other Herald/Trainee and Companion did: because of the lovely Herald-Mage Vanyel's web that connects them all together. - (simplified explanation, lol.)
No Tomorrow: Go read etcetera-cat's One-Shot, No Tomorrow. It's a birthday gift to me, and is about some of my characters from the Shifted Silver RPG; Teegan Donoma, Father Talich, and Companion Mindoc. It's also amazing. ^.~
To Those Who Expected This On The 24th: I apologize for the lateness, but please allow me to explain: over the last three months, my life has been taking a slow and painful spiraling descent into depression and despair. This culminated the week before Christmas in the form of a complete mental breakdown on my part, which, sadly, took precedence over my fic-writing. I'm feeling a bit better now, thanks to my uncanny ability to block out my own negative feelings and an appointment with the doctor, which is going to result in antidepressants and a date with a psychiatrist, and am up to par enough to at least work on some angst-filled fanfiction. So please accept my abject apologies again, and let's just all pretend this was posted on the 24th, ne?
Midwinter Mirage
Part Two: Spirits In The Wind
Amory forced her to go back inside. Given that it was nearly Midwinter—and thusly, there was two feet of snow covering the ground—and she wasn't wearing any shoes, it was good judgment on his part, though Marin didn't care. She didn't feel the cold through the odd numbness that had spread throughout her body anyway, and it was all she could do to stumble back into the Healer's Sanctuary, even propelled by Amory's nose.
Sumi and Loni met them at the doorway, both with tears in their eyes, but willing to put aside their own sadness to help Marin deal with hers. Vaguely, she noted that Dawnwen and Canist had come in from the Field just behind she and Amory...
"I don't understand..." she muttered under her breath, over and over again, as Amory nudged her into Sumi's arms, and Sumi, in turn, handed her off to Healer Mayav. "I don't... I was just talking to him, and he was fine. Herald Tarak—he can't be dead—because—he just—he can't—"
~*~*~*~*~
Marin crouched lower in the saddle, bending her head downward in an attempt to block the wind from her face—and also to block out the unwanted memories of the day her love-mate had died. Below, Amory shivered unconsciously, his own head ducked down for much the same reasons.
It had been... what... three weeks?
:Almost four.: Amory told her quietly.
Four weeks. Four weeks since Tarak and Angeni had been lost, and they still didn't know the whole story. Even the Companions were iffy on the subject—and Marin didn't know if that was because they didn't know, or because they didn't want to talk about it. Amory, at least, was in the same boat as his Chosen; no one wanted to talk to him about it. About Angeni.
He missed her so much...
As much as Marin missed Tarak, if not more, and that fact made her wonder about the actual depth of their relationship. He had loved Angeni, that much was painfully apparent. And every day that he lived without her, the grief threatened to choke off his breath and drive him to his knees.
Marin knew how he felt.
I didn't even realize...
She hadn't even realized how much she cared about him until he was gone, and there was nothing she could do about it—it had been while she was in the Healers Sanctuary, with Sumi and Loni hovering over her anxiously, when the realization of how much she had lost actually stuck her.
Tarak was more than just her lover—he was her confidant and her friend. Someone she could talk to about anything, and the person that she loved more than any other, Amory not withstanding.
And with him gone...
Monarch's Own Herald Yitro seemed to be the one only who had any idea what had happened, and he had come to see her that very afternoon. He was a kind person, soft spoken and compassionate, but his explanation of the circumstances behind Herald Tarak and Angeni's death had cut her to the core.
~*~*~*~*~
"Marin—"
She knew him, vaguely. She had met him the day that Amory had marched her into the Collegium and changed her life forever—his name, she recalled, was Yitro, and he was the Monarch's Own Herald.
"Herald Yitro?" Sumi seemed surprised to see him.
"Sumitra, Kalonice..." his chocolate brown eyes conveyed sadness as he stepped into Healer Astral's office from the hallway. "Could you please step outside for a minute? I need to speak with Marin."
"Uh—yes. Sure." Loni stood, dragging Sumi with her, and they both squeaked out the door.
Yitro shut the door behind them, and it closed with a soft clicking noise. "Are you alright, Marin?"
She was sitting in a plush armchair, legs pulled up to her chest and arms wrapped around them. Her chin was resting on her knees—and she turned a red-rimmed gaze toward him when he asked that one simple but painful question. "I'm... I'm tired, Herald Yitro."
"That's understandable." Yitro nodded, "my Gwydion is talking to your Amory... do you know how he's doing?" Pausing for a moment, he added; "sometimes... when you're sad, you can't tell how your Companion is, right? But you need to keep in touch with him, to help both of you through this..."
"He's tired, too." Marin whispered. "He... already misses Angeni."
"Like you miss Herald Tarak?"
"Yes..." her voice cracked, but she had to ask; "Herald Yitro... what happened?"
He sighed softly, moving to drag another chair over to hers, and then took a seat. "There's a lightning storm just outside of Restinn right now." He told her, selecting his words carefully, "it started a short time ago—just after Junas and Tarak arrived at the Waystation—and the Station was struck while Junas was inside, and caught fire. Herald Tarak... he went in after Junas, and—"
He broke off for a moment, thinking, and Marin had the vague impression that he was talking with his Companion.
"We don't really know exactly what happened." He told her finally, "Vyvien and Angeni were outside, and all Vyvien can tell us is that Junas and Tarak were trapped. So Angeni went through the flames after her Chosen..."
And neither of them made it back out alive.
~*~*~*~*~
Yitro had learned most of what he told her from Gwydion, who had, in turn, learned it from Vyvien. The two of them—the Grove Born and one "normal" Companion—were probably the only ones who knew anything close to the whole story.
For Marin, rest of the what had happened was pieced together later, from bits and pieces told to her by Sumi and Loni, who no doubt got it from Dawnwen and Canist. What she gathered was that Vyvien and Angeni had managed to drag Junas and Tarak out of the inferno—somehow—but it was too late for Tarak. And Angeni...
A Companion can't—or won't—live without their Chosen...
Another pair of Heralds—Glyn and Fidelio—were dispatched to Restinn on emergency orders, and Restinn was close enough to Haven that they got there in no time. They were the ones who found Junas, unconscious and burnt, laying in the Waystation yard with Vyvien near panic nearby.
And Tarak and Angeni, lifeless...
They already knew, of course, because of The Bell...
They rushed Junas back to the Healers Collegium, with Vyvien leading the way, and deposited him into the waiting arms of Healer Astral and Healer Mayav, who set to work on him immediately. Vyvien was taken into the wing of Healers which was reserved for Companions to have her own wounds treated.
And Glyn and Fidelio went back to Restinn once more, to gather Tarak and Angeni and bring them home.
The last leg of their Circuit.
Marin felt tears stinging her eyes, and blinked them away, ducking her head once more.
Amory was... strangely neutral in her mind. He had been that way ever since losing Angeni.
He just didn't feel anymore...
They were on their way to Rosewood, to celebrate Midwinter with Marin's family. Her Mother and Father were looking forward to seeing her and meeting Amory, and she didn't want to disappoint—not that she really felt like celebrating anything.
And so Amory was trudging through knee-deep snowdrifts with his Chosen huddled into a ball on his back, and both of them nursing broken hearts.
The snowstorms had started about a week before they set out from Haven, and weren't particularly unexpected—it was winter, after all, and they had been lucky not to get them earlier... though the new drifts were making travel a bit harder than it would have been without them.
:I think we need to stop for the night,: Amory said, breaking the silence that had loomed over their heads since the beginning of the trip.
:Yes,: she answered simply, :is there a Waystation near here?:
:We're just Haven-side of Nottaway. There's a Waystation about a league ahead of us, I think.:
:Alright...:
She just wanted out of the wind and snow.
~*~*~*~*~
Marin was standing out by the fence to Companion's Field, staring across the expanse of snow that transformed the green grass to a cloak of white in the winter. Bundled up in a winter coat, warm breeches and fur-lined boots, she didn't feel the cold—not that she would have noticed it, even if she'd been wearing only her underclothes.
She was numb, inside and out.
Across the Field, Companions—those who hadn't already fled to the stables, that is— dotted the landscape, a light dusting of snowfall sprinkled across their coats as they stood in groups to try to keep warm.
Except for Amory.
He alone stood by himself, away from the others—and away from his Chosen as well.
It had been two weeks, but he was still mourning. They both were.
"Um, Marin?"
Sumi sounded hesitant, and Marin turned to look at her and Loni for a moment before giving them a ghost of a smile. "Hi."
"Are you feeling alright?"
The other girls stepped up to stand beside her, and off in the distance two of the Companions separated from the Herd and started toward the fence.
"I'm... I'm alright, I think." Marin shrugged.
They looked unsure.
"Are... you sure?" Loni wondered, climbing up to the second rail of the fence to wait for Canist—who perked his ears and tail and picked up his step when he saw her. "You haven't been yourself lately, Marin."
"Not that we blame you." Sumi added, "we're just worried."
"And I appreciate that." She said, "look... guys, I'm trying. I really am. It's just..."
:Hard to move on?: A Voice suggested, and a familiar and yet unfamiliar Companion seemed to appear from nowhere to stand in front of her. :Yes... yes. It's hard to move on when a loved one passes... but you learn to live again.: He tipped his head downward, crystal eyes showing sadness that was depthless and somehow eternal. :I've had to do it myself... countless times.:
"Gwydion?"
The Grove Born nodded slowly, ears flicking. :How are you really doing, Marin Correy?:
She was silent for a minute, then; "does it really... get better? Does the pain fade?"
:Yes. With time.: Gwydion told her solemnly.
With time...
~*~*~*~*~
How much time, she wondered, as Amory slogged his way up the path toward the Waystation, head down and muttering to himself about the damned snow. Surely, the agony would fade soon...
Wouldn't it?
Amory all but collapsed in front of the Waystation door, and Marin slid stiffly from his back, legs half-frozen despite the winter breeches she was wearing. With hands that were bundled inside two pairs of mittens, she fumbled with the handle and shoved the heavy door inward, nearly falling inside from the combination of forward momentum and the wind from the snow storm.
Wearily, Amory followed her inside and she struggled to shut the door again as he pushed past and into the main section of the Waystation. :Maybe you should have taken Sumi and Loni up on their offer to come with us.:
The door was closed. Marin felt her way through the dim innards of the Station, guided by her hands and the pale light that was filtering through the single snow-covered window, attempting to locate the woodpile. "What makes you say that?"
:It's dangerous to be out alone in this weather.:
"You're with me, Amory." She found the woodpile in a back corner of the building, and selected a handful of pieces that were thin and dry, then headed over to the fireplace.
:Yes. But I would not leave you, if something happened. If someone else was with us, they could go for help.:
"We're fine." She told him softly as she stacked the wood in the fireplace and felt along the rough stone mantle for the firestarting kit. "We made it here, despite the storm, and Rosewood isn't far from here. We should get there by late afternoon tomorrow."
:If we don't get snowed in.: Amory said, peering out through the frosted glass of the window. :And that's not my point.:
"I know." A spark, and she blew on the tiny flame until it caught properly, then returned to the woodpile for a decent sized chunk of pine. "I just didn't feel up to extra company, okay? And neither did you."
:I still don't.:
"Neither do I."
Once the fire was a decent size, she busied herself with going through the barrels of dried fruit and vegetables that lined the back wall of the building. She was both looking for something to eat, and avoiding conversation with Amory at the same time.
The tension between then was uncomfortable. Soul-wrenching. Despairing.
She hated not being able to talk to him...
He was her best friend. He was... he was different, somehow, and she was too.
He was her Companion, for Haven's sake!
And yet he had become a stranger to her.
I'm alone...
The second last barrel she opened had mixed grains in it, and the last was half-full of oats. Under Amory's watchful sapphire gaze, she made note of which barrels they were, and then returned to the fireplace to retrieve the heavy cast-iron pot that was always hanging over it.
It was surprisingly heavy, but she hefted it off its hook anyway, and carried over to the door—the Waystation didn't have the same running water that she had grown used to at the Collegium, so instead she opened the door, letting the wind rush in to chill the air once again, and scooped enough snow from the bank outside to fill the pot to the rim.
The cold stung her hands, but it was over quickly.
She shut the door firmly and carried the pot back to the fireplace to hang it again.
:Marin...:
Amory's voice held a pleading tone, and her throat closed off. "I don't want to talk about it, Amory. I can't."
Silence.
She watched the snow melt over the crackling flames.
~*~*~*~*~
"Really—Marin—maybe you should just stay here?"
Loni was hesitant, and when Marin didn't immediately respond to her question, she was even more hesitant to speak up again. Seated next to Sumi on Marin's bed, she watched her friend slowly packing clothing into saddlebags and cast a worried glance at the other girl.
"Marin?"
She paused, glancing up from her packs. "Sorry?"
"I said... um, maybe you and Amory should just stay here this Midwinter?"
"No."
"But—"
"My family is expecting us..."
Sumi cleared her throat softly, "I'm sure... they would understand if you didn't."
"No, Sumi!" She snapped, and jammed the tunic she had been fiddling with into the pack unceremoniously. "I'm not staying here! I can't stay here! I can't!"
The other Trainee backed away a half-step. "Sorry—I didn't mean—"
:Marin...: Amory's Voice was barely even there...
"It's not your fault." Marin whispered, and for the hundredth time in a week she felt hot tears spilling down her cheeks. She repeated; "it's not your fault, Sumi, I just... I need to get away from here. I need to spend Sovan with my family, and hopefully..."
Hopefully, she could forget?
She didn't think she ever would.
~*~*~*~*~
Inevitably, the snow melted into water, and then the water began to boil and turned to steam. Beads of water condensed on the brick above the pot, only to drop back down and turn into steam once more.
She added a bowl of oats to the water, and then a bowl of the mixed grains. Though she truly didn't care what it tasted like, she added dried apples and raisins to it as well, stirred it a bit, and then began an absent search for a jar of cinnamon.
It wasn't until she found the spice and had been blankly staring at the label for several long minutes that she realized—
—that in her mind—
—in a place that even Amory couldn't go—
She wished she had died that day as well.
A soft nose touched her shoulder, and she dropped the jar to the floor. It shattered with a crash that was almost deafening in the confines of the Station, and the sound seemed to echo on and on, into eternity...
:Marin.:
There was a feeling, like arms wrapped around her soul, and she turned toward Amory, whose compassionate crystal eyes ached with sadness—but understanding as well. For a moment they were both still, and then he stepped forward again to rest his head across her shoulder.
"I loved him so much, Amory. I loved him so much..."
:You were not lifebonded,: the Companion replied softly, :but what you had was real, and in some ways your love went deeper than that created by one. It was the same with—Angeni—and I. We loved each other more than the birds do the sky, or the fish do the sea. More than time, night and day... more than forever...:
Since that day, they had not spoken of their losses—not to each other.
Marin hugged his neck, eyes open but not focused on anything. Tears crawled down her cheeks and across his silky hide. "I didn't know you loved her that much..."
:I did... I did.: Amory said, :I still do.:
"Yes..."
:Marin...:
"I'm sorry. I've been such a pain..."
:You have the right.: Pausing, he added quietly; :your dinner is going to burn...:
~*~*~*~*~
Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.
She was so tired that the simple straw bed seemed as if it were made from fine silk and goose down, and she fell asleep within minutes of lying down and pulling the two heavy quilts the Waystation was equipped with up to her chin.
Her dinner... was mostly uneaten, though she had managed to stomach half a bowl of it. She imagined that it would have tasted good—had her tongue been willing to cooperate with the rest of her senses.
Amory ate the rest of the porridge, and she calmed the inner voice that nagged at her to eat more damn it by telling it that he needed it more than she did. After all, he was the one who had to make the trek from there to Rosewood—she would only sit, once more huddled in the saddle, while he carried her through the roaring wind and driving snow.
She felt useless.
Helpless.
Lost.
Amory slept next to her, lying upright on the floor, with his nose just barely touching the edge of the mattress. He snored sometimes, and his ears and nose twitched as he dreamed. He was broadcasting something—sadness, maybe—without realizing it, but it didn't affect her much.
She slept anyway.
~*~*~*~*~
"She looks just like an angel... she always has, whenever she's asleep."
:Are you going to wake her?:
"I'm not sure. I haven't decided yet."
:You should. She'll want to see you.:
"And I want to see her... I miss her, Angeni. I miss her, and I love her."
:Tell her that... tell her that, and more.:
"Yes..."
~*~*~*~*~
Something touched her face—a feather touch, light and soft, and familiar fingers traced along her jaw line. An unintelligible sound worked its way from her throat, and her brows furrowed as tears welled in her eyes, though she was still asleep—
"Marin... wake up, Love..."
Her eyes fluttered but didn't open, her mind resisting the transition from the dream world she was in.
"Please, Marin... Love, I don't have very much time. You have to open your eyes..."
Tortured hazel orbs opened—slowly—
Herald Tarak looked down on her, a smile gracing his face. "I'm sorry to wake you. Were you dreaming?"
"I still am..." she murmured.
"Not sleeping... not truly." He chuckled, and leaned down to brush his lips against her forehead.
Blearily, she looked past him to Angeni, who was standing next to Amory, watching him sleep with a contented air. Somehow, she got the feeling she was speaking to him—maybe the same way Tarak was speaking to her.
"Tarak..."
"Yes, Love?"
"You left me alone..." she barely squeaked the words out, and still they sounded accusatory to her own ears. "You... died and... and left me..."
"I know." Guilt tinged his words; "I know, and I'm so sorry."
He shifted his weight, and stretched out beside her on the straw mattress, tucking himself under the blanket with her, and she cuddled into his side, holding tightly to him as her eyes began to sting once again. "I miss you... so much... I miss you so much, Tarak!"
His own tears were obvious in his voice; "I miss you, too, Marin. I miss you with all my being."
"I need you back!" She whispered harshly, burying her face against the shoulder of his Whites, "I want you back, Tarak! You left me alone, and I want you back..."
"I left, yes." He agreed sadly, "but I had to leave... I had no choice, but I did not leave you alone. Love, you'll never be alone. Not as long as Amory is alive, and he will be alive until you yourself are called to the Havens."
A whimper was all she could muster.
"You need to remember that, Marin. Remember Amory—he will always be with you. But he needs you, too. You can't just shut him out."
"I haven't—"
"You have." He interrupted, "I know you don't mean to, but you have."
"Sorry..."
"It's not your fault." A chuckle, "just remember—Amory loves you as much as I do."
"I know." She sniffled, then repeated; "I miss you."
"I can't stay... Love, I'm sorry. I know you miss me, but... you'll have to keep on missing me..."
"Don't go?"
He held her. "I have to."
"Why? Why do you have to?"
"I shouldn't be here at all," he told her, "but They gave me leave—only to say goodbye."
"Goodbye..?"
"Yes." He began to untangle himself from her desperate embrace, and though it tore her heart in two, she let him. "Goodbye, Marin..." he sat again, and kissed her gently, "I'm so sorry it had to be this way... I'm... I wish it could have been different. I really do. I... you know I love you. I always will."
"Tarak, no..."
"You know I love you." He repeated.
"No, please..."
He was standing, and turning, and Angeni was waiting, and he put one foot into the stirrup—
"Please!" She was begging. Pleading. Tears streamed from her eyes, and she wanted to stand—wanted to run to him, and throw her arms around him, and weigh him down, and make him stay—but somehow she couldn't seem to stir from her seat in the bed. "Please, don't—"
"Marin..."
He was firmly in the saddle, sitting tall and proud, and looking like the Heralds of legend—except that he, too, was crying, eyes red and with tears of his own staining his face. An angel in White, mounted and ready to ride to the Havens—and Angeni looked the part of the Companions of old—
"Marin, please—try—try to be happy. Try to move on."
"I—"
"Take care of yourself," he said sadly, "and take care of Amory."
"I will. I—"
"I'll wait for you."
"Yes..."
"Goodbye, Love."
She held a hand out, but in a flash of feathers and wind he was gone—
~*~*~*~*~
The dawn sun shone on freshly fallen snow and sparkled in through the window, casting light across the floor of the Waystation. Marin's eyes squeezed closed tighter, and she pulled her blankets higher to cover her face.
Movement. :Marin?:
Amory's voice. :Amory...:
And she remembered—
She flung the blankets aside and sat up sharply, eliciting a surprised snort from her Companion, who was standing next to the bed and peering downward—looking more normal than he had in over a fortnight. :Uh...:
Her eyes flicked from him to the window.
Outside, there was no wind, and no blowing snow. A new layer of white powder coated the world beyond the Station, but the sun was bright and the sky was cloudless and a beautiful blue that almost rivaled Amory's eyes.
There was hope out there...
:How are you feeling?:
"I'm..." she frowned, unsure.
She was sad, yes, and there was still grief, but...
"I'm going to be okay, Amory." She told him, and smiled for the first time in weeks. A real smile. "I think I'm going to be okay."