Author's Note: I just wanted to inform you that I often put foreshadowing and symbolism in my writing (as demonstrated in my prologue), so I'm sure that if you are an attentive reader you'll catch sight of them. Don't look too hard because I'm not that complex. Also, I'm not really sure of my tenses since some of them are past and others present. Please excuse it, but hopefully it's understandable. I get so confused trying to figure it out!
Disclaimer: Both Rurouni Kenshin and Mulan do not belong to me, as I doubt I will ever be worthy of holding such a title.
For Honor
Chapter 1: Bittersweet Memories of Childhood
By CrismHeart
October 18, 2003
There's an entire universe out there and I am in awe. Even when you strain your eyes to take everything in, there always is something still there, just beyond the horizon, waiting for you to discover it. I was never fully conscious of it until now, how in the midst of it all, I stand so utterly alone…
I know it sounds ludicrous. Me- alone? I have a family and close friends, my loved ones to stand by me. What pain could a girl like me know? I live in a home that sheltered and protected from the rest of the world, but what if that's not what I really want? What if I want- more?
I am thought of as a loner in this society for my unconventional ideas. I never really thought about it. I suppose it's true, but this was not always so. I remember being happy in childhood, without a care in the world, but that was then, when he was still here.
My parents knew that I was still distressed over yesterday's episode with the matchmaker so they did not bother me about it. In fact, they seemed to be avoiding a conversation that did not have to do with the ordinary: the weather, food, and laundry. My mother sent me to the marketplace to buy a bucket of tofu and rice for her to prepare lunch. Although my mother and father will never completely understand me, they know enough to know that I needed time to myself. She knew that I loved the busy streets of Tokyo ever since I was a child. I am not sure why, but the diverse voices of people passing by ringing in my ears, the sweet aroma of freshly baked good floating in the air, and the sight of the brightly colored items being sold in each shop that caught my eye were so comforting to me. I struggled to keep the joy that would have risen within me from surfacing because I knew that what I was feeling could not be real. It was only the familiar scene that I had seen day after day that had made me content. This was the home that I grew up in and had not finished growing up in yet.
I chuckled with a mirth I did not feel. I often find myself doing just that. Even after having practiced my expressions, I know that they are only imitations of emotion. It's strange how sounds that are supposed to be a representation of happiness can sound so hollow. When I think about my life, it's all I want to do, but inside… I can feel myself drowning. In a way, I am like the waters; only it is my sorrow that has engulfed me, my unshed tears that have been gushing from my heart like the steadfast waves of an ocean.
My family and I… our whole life is centered around this constant play in which I have no choice but to take part in. But what if I'm not meant for this role? I have tried so hard to prevent myself to revealing who I am lest I ruin it for my mother and father.
On my way back from the markets, I took the path to my friend Misao's house as usual, yet even before I had arrived, I perceived that something was amiss. The golden sun's warm embrace was disconcerting all of a sudden; as if it were trying to shield me from the news I was to hear. The white clouds were tinged with the lightest gray and the clear skies were no longer the endless stretch of blue I used to marvel at.
Apparently Misao had left the gates open. I entered, but did so cautiously. The house gave off a melancholy aura, so unlike the cheerful girl I knew. When I went into the house, I saw the figure of my friend lying on the floor crying.
"Misao-chan! What's wrong?" I panicked as the worst situations that could have possibly have happened came to my mind. It must have been horrible for Misao to be crying. I hugged her to me in an attempt to calm her down.
"A- Aoshi-sama- the- the war-" Misao wailed.
Between her incoherent sobs, I could make out two distinct phrases, "Aoshi-sama" and "war," but I could figure out the rest of where this was going and I was not partial to the idea of war. The emperor must have made a decree ordering the men of each household to gather in Kyoto to fight for our country. It should not have come as a surprise to me for I had heard about the poor international relations Japan had with other nations from my father, but nevertheless, I could not cover up the shock I felt. Our country, our home- we're going to war.
My heart was breaking for my friend. Aoshi and Misao had a relationship that may be called "forbidden." He was above the both of us in status and in wealth for he was a noble. Misao, on the other hand, was a poor girl who lived with her grandfather. I suppose there is something about this society that makes it so blind. I could see the love Misao and Aoshi shared, while others scorned it. Of course, Misao was more public in her affections while Aoshi kept them to himself, but their love was undeniable… It's something that I'll always long for, but can only hope to have.
"Misao-chan… I promise that he'll return to you." I would make sure of it. At least one of us deserves to be happy, and I wanted her to be. I cannot stand to see Misao upset, she has already had so much misfortune.
After I returned home, I knew that my father had known about the emperor's announcement. I feared for him. He really should not be going off to fight. Although he is still stronger than most men at his age, his sickness alone has weakened him considerably. I know my mother felt the same way. Though she tried to hide it from me, I could hear her weeping from her bedroom.
When it became nightfall, I could not sleep for I was too preoccupied with contemplating the preparations being made for the oncoming war. I got up from my futon. Perhaps it would help clear my thoughts to take a stroll.
It hurts so much knowing that your own father wanted a son instead of a daughter. I strive to please him, but nothing I ever do will be good enough for I was not born a son. I taught myself to read and I begged him to teach me the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, the kenjutsu technique that had been passed down from father to son each generation, but he had always refused. Even then, I was not one to give up so easily. I would watch him train other students, my eyes shining with an eagerness to learn how to fight for the sake of protecting my loved ones, the ideal the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu encompassed. He retired from this occupation when my mother warned him that his limbs were not quite as agile as they used to be. What my father did not know was that I would train myself by mimicking the moves I had memorized from my observations of his classes. I would take a bokken from the dojo and go to an open field to accomplish this. However, we have had a special relationship throughout all the discrepancies we have encountered and I cannot bear the thought of having to lose it.
I took tentative steps as I neared the entrance of the dojo so as not to disturb the tranquility that belonged to night alone. Upon reaching the doorway, I became aware of the presence of another person in the training room.
My father dressed himself in the uniform that he had last worn twenty years ago when he had left for war. He unsheathed his blade and examined it intently as it gleamed from the moonbeams that struck it before performing a couple of practice swings with it. He then began doing more complicated katas, gaining speed with each subsequent action, he and his sword moving as one. His katana arched upward for his final strike on his imaginary opponent, only to fall short of it. He missed a step and tumbled forward. I had never seen my father as he was then, vulnerable and exposed for the human he was. My father took an eternity to fall to the ground, but when he did, my whole world crumbled with him.
"Otou-san…" I whispered. And in that instant, the picture I had made up of him in my mind was shattered into a thousand pieces, never to be mended again. It pained me to such great lengths to see the man I admired most suffering. I had always thought my father to be a man of strength and vigor who would never leave my life. I had never realized the reality of the situation when he had said that I would understand when he was gone. I finally made up my mind, although I knew that I must be myself, I could not stand breaking my family's heart either. Before I can unchain myself of my obligations, I will bring honor to my family and make them proud.
I am going to leave everything I have behind to go to Kyoto…
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Author's Note: Thank you to all of you wonderful reviewers! I'm incredibly sorry, but every day it seems like there less and less time for me to write so I'm not going to make any promises I can't keep. I will write when I can because I love doing so. Also, inspiration strikes and goes at the most spontaneous of moments and there are times when I cannot think of anything worth writing. I do force myself to write whenever I can, although my writing may be even worse than it usually is if that's possible. I hope you understand, but if not, I honestly will name some of my reasons in my profile for you. So, was this chapter okay or was it boring? Tell me if I make dumb mistakes! I do promise that Kenshin will be making an entrance soon!
Mercs: Thanks for being my first reviewer and for being so enthusiastic about it! *huge happy face* Of course this is a Kenshin fic! Did you really think that I could ever leave him out? And as I have told you before, the cherries were not meant for your benefit.
JML: I apologize for not having provided much background, but I thought it would be more effective to gradually build it up in time. That, and it was only a prologue… By background, what exactly do you mean: setting, personal history, or the historical background of the story?
RoseoftheDesert: Thank you! I was quite satisfied with the way the prologue can out. Sometimes I cannot convey what I want to in words and I thought this was as well as I know how.
^_^: I apologize if I don't update very quickly because I have so many things going on in my life. I just might go crazy from the accumulation of stress, or maybe I already have… *walks off to contemplate*
anime11368: Well, I can't exactly tell you how the two of them meet, so read on to find out!
Neko Oni-chan: You should see Mulan, it's probably my favorite Disney movie, Thank you for the compliments and please continue reading!
Califpinay3001: Wow, do you really like it? You're very encouraging and I'm very flattered, but you've put so much more pressure on me! Though I enjoyed writing it as well, you've really raised the expectations for my almost nonexistent skills and I don't want to disappoint any readers.
lexie-chan701 firefly: Thank you! I may not be that great of a writer, but I am proud of what trivial things I can accomplish.
Angel Kitty2: I'm sorry if I am disappointing you, but I'm not really using characters from the movie, just the storyline. I do think that your ideas were really great. I wish I had thought of that! Unfortunately, this story will have more drama and less humor, but there will be some, I think. If I decide to write another more comical fic, I will keep that in mind (with you getting credit, of course.)
Kitsune KeNsHiN: Yay! I'm so glad that you reviewed! You never let me down! I love hearing from you and I hope you will like this story just as much, if not more.
Ymir-chan: Sorry you felt that this started out slow, but you must know that I'm planning making this fic pretty long (well, long for me…). And thank you, for luck is always a good thing to have and something I'll always need!
Nine Fires: It's awesome that you want to read more! I hope I haven't kept you waiting long. I barely have and time to myself anymore, but I think I'll try to when I can.
Namiko the anime wizard: Thank you and I really appreciate that you haven't been pressuring me to update.
RoseKurama1: Thank you! It was so nice of you to review!